Oops…..This quote explains my status over years.
End of every year, I used to delicate lots of time to map out resolutions for next year. Deep down, I desire to change. Unsuccessfully, resolutions went to trash after a short period of time it was listed. Read an article early ago that alerted me : it’s not effective to make a list for resolution but habits. Resolutions can be easily forgot after 2-3 weeks/months but habits will change individual lifestyle. So here I am!
List of New Habit 2015 :
Get Fit ! Back on track again! I’ve been struggling with my weight my whole life, which steamed from prolonged emotional/verbal/sexual abuse of dysfunctional family. While there are people pick alcohol, drugs or sex, I pick food as my best friend to smooth my emotions.
2 years ago, I told myself “enough is enough” as I finally realized I should be the one who love myself the most, otherwise I can never expect others to love/ respect me. After die-hard exercise and rigid diet, 80 lbs were lost then started to pick myself up bit by bit.
Holiday seasons never easy as triggers are hard for me to handle well. I felt back to my old habits once again : stuffed food to my mouth continuously past month. Well, new year just started so it’s time to get rid of those unwanted 15-20 lbs by going back to gym.
Eat healthy, Exercise 4 times a week, nurture myself well!
Struggling negative thoughts/emotions from time to time : doing OK when mood is stable but can lie in bed, lock myself up for days to escape from real life. One of the reasons I start this blog is not only want to practice my writing skills but also a breakthrough: to learn how to speak out and express the true me. This is a big milestone for many abused survivors as we have learned to keep secrets for myself and shut down emotions/feelings from outsiders for years.
Understand my blogs will show up many of my flaws but I am learning to put away perfectionism. Many psychologists suggests writing is a good healing journey.
Since young, I knew the only person who can help myself to survive from this sick environment is “me”. Thus never stop learning by consuming tons of books, courses and podcast etc. I’m kind of raise myself up from zero to the stage of acknowledgement; unlearned every bad habits/perspectives gained since young continuously. Strive to live a very different journey from my family members.
However, years of trauma experiences has already molded me into a person with very low self-esteem, lack of confidence, afraid to have intimate relationship. I have trust issue and this lead me to another dead-end corner : feel more comfortable to hang around with people who have similar history/personality/character.
Another quote “You’re the average of five people you spend the most time with” also strike me very hard lately. Yeah, there’s really nobody around me, who I am aspire to become at this stage. It obviously my weakness so I need to figure out who should I be friend with in coming year. Feel jealous, envy whenever I see amazing people but never have confidence to approach due to my self-worth issue. I kind of thinking why these amazing people bother to hang around with such a loser.
Over years, I’ve been struggling with PTSD/depression that finally reach the point “really sick of this life”. I don’t want to see myself being the same as I’m now after 10 years. I need big changes! Time fly so fast, memories 20 years ago seem like 2 weeks before. This scared me and feel sad for my lost years from time to time.
Well, New Year just started, hope it’s not too late to turn things upside down now.