Don't just stand there

Abused survivor’s journey is Rough

 The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident. Usually they are sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, or outspoken child.

In other words, he/she is the child who refuses to stay silence in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

– Glynis Sherwood

It’s not my choice

I’m a family scapegoat.  Don’t even know this term until recent years.  I just felt all the dramas doesn’t make sense even based on my limited awareness of my situation.  I just acting rebellious which lead me to a rough life journey!  Every time I hear someone says “we can choose our friends and lovers, but never family members”.  Damn true!

However, I disagree the saying of “since they are my family members, thus we need to cherish the bond and forgive anything they did to me.  It’s necessary to compromise and let go in any relationship otherwise we will have a resentful life by complaining this and that.

But according to my family history, I would say it’s better living as an orphan than growing up in such a sick family environment.   I was forced to become mature at a very early age, act as a mother taking care of siblings, housework, etc. while struggling through all life challenges by my own self.

Why I write now?

Personal

Years of abusive relationship taught me to shut up and shut down all my anger/frustration as no one will care or help me.  The better survival skills for myself is “don’t touch the scar within myself”.  I thought I can handle or believe the so-called “time will heal”.  Sadly, all shame / hurtful memories never leave my mind.  To cope with the dysfunctional family, I learned to act tough as a defend mechanism.  Abusers treat me this way because they want to show their power by proving that my life will be miserable without their supports/love.  I hate to see they win.

But the truth is : I never feel any better over these years, results and mistakes were repeated continuously.  Strive to read and learn as many as I can, to understand what’s the situation about.  The more information I get, the more I realize how messed up my life is.  Started to realize speak out is the hardest but most important step of healing.  I’m lonely, depressed and hope to connect to the world like a new born baby.

For many years, I feel so shame for myself so build up a wall with people to protect myself being hurt.  Knew this is the worst decision but the most comfortable coping skills.  If family can’t be trusted and can betray me, it’s difficult for me to trust others so I feel safe this way though feel extremely lonely.

External

During this life searching journey, thanks for many writers who devoted to share their own stories, which helps me learn a lot about my situation.  Education of abuse is tremendously important as this still a taboo in many cultures in this century.  People don’t share much or choose to hide from lies.  Of course I still have a long way to go, but I hope to speak out so may be someone in somewhere has the similar situation so we can both learn from each other.

Final thoughts

I never want to be an abused survivor or feel comfortable to say “how strong I am” to go through all these.  Because I don’t want to, but if that’s my fate, well, I better start to unlearn everything bad for me and relearn new strategies from now on.

Photo : Unsplash – Jeff Sheldon
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