If fear didn’t exist, I’d run up to you, kiss you and tell you that I love you.
Such title sounds a bit over-rated but it’s the truth.
Surviving through all non-sense, abused experiences make me completely lost for a long period of time. I simply stay alive, not living my life. Without supports and adequate knowledge, I was 100 pounds overweight, completely out-of-shaped, extremely low self-esteem/self-worth, lack of motivation to live my dream, dress terribly, confused and depressed most of awake time. At that point, I really don’t know how my life will head to, in fact, I gave up myself since the so-called healing journey is too difficult to handle.
Then, fate lead me to meet my dance teacher. Coupons are included in monthly gym membership so my initial intention was straight forward : don’t waste money I paid for. I always want to lose weight but I had emotional eating issue, this self-sabotage habit is the most comfortable defense mechanism I used since young especially when emotions are too overwhelmed.
Dancing suddenly introduced to my life and attracted my attention immediately. This is a very new experience for me. I started to care how I look and dress; I started to eat healthy and exercise more to lose weight, so I can look better in class. I was highly motivated by this thought especially when I see the pounds really can came off after those efforts I paid.
It was surprising to see how one success can lead to another, Once I feel better about myself, then I started to rethink my life and dreams, which I never dare to think of. I’m terrible in dancing and stand at the back, my confidence and self-esteem are crashed to bottom after classes very often. Nevertheless, I keep pushing myself to attend class as I found it actually bring positive changes/reflections to my life.. Over the years, I gave up things so easily whenever I bump into failure but I told myself not this time. I want to expose myself to uncomfortable situation so my weakness can be recognized.
Negative things are gossips and comparisons do exists. This scare me since I’m very unsociable especially when environment filled with ladies. I always verbally/emotional bullied thus try my best to stay low-key in class, I don’t want to get into any trouble before I learn how to deal with conflicts.
What I learn from my dance teacher?
He’s from india, who strive to change his life by fighting opportunity to work abroad. Before I met him, I never think of working abroad or people can actually change their life destiny if they want to. I was taught to accept what is life throwing to me. This is how I deal with all family dramas and abusive behaviors. See a real person who has aspiration for having a better life is very eye-opening to me. It’s very inspiring and motivated me to re-think my life too.
Yeah, I’ve great crush on him
I have trust issue so have difficult to develop intimate relationship. Deep down I always attracted to people who is happy, optimistic, confident, spontaneous with courage. Guess we are attracted to people who has quality that we don’t have but admire.
He is such an energetic, confident guy filled with positive attitude during teaching. I realized he has a big vision and dare to dream big, and witness how he build up his empire bit by bit in these years. Sadly, my low self-esteem make me scare of any positive relationship and usually distance myself to people I admire, feel unworthy of attention and love.
Realized your eyes start following me. I knew many times you wanted to approach me but my cool attitude scare you away. I felt your frustrations for not getting attention. Sorry, but I’m afraid you will find out who I am, my past etc. so all the fantasies fade away. I rather keep everything in my fantasy than ruining it.
Weird way to motivate myself
Beside of the crush, reason why I stay in class though there are many frustrations is it’s the toughest way to put myself out of comfort zone. Plus, many beautiful, young girls who dance proudly with confidence. This further put me into another low level of self-esteem. But I told myself this is exactly what I need to learn to cope with.
Since young, I was told how ugly, unworthy and unfavorable I am. I used to hide myself but in reality there’s always someone who is prettier, smarter and better than me. The best solution is to learn how to deal with my self-esteem issue.
Dancing keep me stay conscious to take good care of myself. I didn’t care how I look or dress as I thought why bother to take care all these fuss when there’s nobody love me. Now I think this self-sabotage behavior might drag me further to the drain.
From time to time, I sensed you want to give up and leave me alone. I’m sad but understand I can’t angry, otherwise it’s unfair to you. I am the one who keep distance and avoid eye contacts so I deserve it.
No matter what, I thankful for having you in my life journey. Thanks for picking my soul up when I was at the lowest point.
Many issues I need to figure out by myself, that’s why I want to keep distance with the one I adore before I cause any harm/hurts to you.