Toxic environment

Trapped again with Toxic / Narcissistic people

Narcissist – a more polite term for a self-serving, manipulative, evil asshole with no soul

Why again?

Once again, I was trapped with toxic bosses in toxic environment.  Can’t remember how many offices I encounter over the past 2 years.  It seemed that I’m very attracted to emotional vampires.  Never believe there’s a perfect job so I have already put my standards down and be humble, grateful for any job offers I accepted.  But don’t know if it’s because my expectation too low or if there’s any signs I gave to the world that I am an easy target for abuse.

Last 2 years, I worked with more than 6 female bosses and they simply drive me crazy.  I’m terrify to go to work everyday, not because of the work load but the emotional torture in the environment.  My unhappiness level is getting lower gradually according to the duration I spend at work.  The job I got a week ago, for example, the female boss makes my stress level raised to the top easily.

Blame + Nagging + Critize + Complain – nonstop

Female is good at taking care of details.  It’s a good nature but if cross the line, detailed oriented can become fussy, annoying and unnecessary perfectionism.  The boss I am working with now is picking every LITTLE detail.  Her post is Director but it’s funny that she spent every moment to go through everyone’s duties, to check and pick up mistakes.  I would say it’s necessary to be careful but the way she check is becoming OCD already.

End up we are so afraid to hear her voice because every time she speaks, there’s something wrong and we can’t finish our work properly because there are many unnecessary correction and back and fourth counter check, unnecessary listings and so-called systematic procedures.  She is the one who always complain this and that, how busy she is but she never understand the way she approach the work and world make everyone surrounding her feel miserable.

It’s annoying to see her but there’s no escape because she just sit next to me.  She will sit next to you and guide you step by step like a kid for what not to do and what to do.  Not only she can’t finish her own duties but distract our work continuously every 5 minutes.

Now I can understand no matter how pretty you are, the way you treat others and how you talk/behave do affect your image/appearance a lot.  She is a pretty lady, IF SHE CAN SHUT UP.  Once she opens her mouth, the world around her is collapsed and she looks extremely ugly.  Nobody will feel the one who is mean, harsh and judgmental is attractive.  That’s remind me not behaving the same as I witness how ugly she is, not the physical but her soul.

Evil intention

At first, I just feel it’s coincidence, then I noted the evil act behind scene.  Many cases she knew I was do something but without teaching / guiding me how to carry out the duties properly. Then when I finished she will act as a professional and being sarcastic to humiliating me during the mentoring.  She is my boss of course I will not saying anything but deep down I had hard feeling and think why she told me the situations at the first place? Why she will smile when she found my mistakes? That’s annoying and make me disrespect her personality more.

She did these with purpose, not only set a trap for me to jump in, but always pick on me for every WORD, SENTENCE I report, she try very hard to pick up any casual words I say which end up feel extremely nervous to speak to her. No mental healthy person will spot and analyse every word the other person say and ready to attack that minor slip of the tongue.  It’s unnatural and I can feel her attempt to spot any potential mistake I make, in order to yell and blame me at any chance.

Despise and teasing

I believe everyone do have their own talent.  But my boss pay 100% attention on my conversation with others so whenever she spot something I don’t understand / manage or any topic I never approach.  She will start to despise me verbally and non-verbally.  Teasing me how dare I don’t know this kind of knowledge, etc.

There’s a saying that “Nobody will kick the non-bark dog”, I understand if there’s anyone who love to pick on someone, or enjoy to step over her/his face, it means something trigger that person’s own self-esteem.  Know is know, but to deal with this non-stop picking is tough. I strongly feel she try very hard to hurt my self-worth and ability.  It’s suck when someone spot you as a target to pick on.

Final thoughts

If similar situations happened a year ago, I will swallow everything by myself, lock myself up to cry and feeling miserable about myself.  But since I read and absorb tons of information from online / offline sources, I start to realize I deserve better and learn to make a choice to stay away from emotional vampires or any toxic environments that suck my soul and energy out.  I start to select people who can make me become better, happier and stronger.

This is the reason I getting more picky nowadays, when I see the situation doesn’t seem right to my life, I chose to leave without too much hesitation (though I re-think this case seriously as I love the job nature, salary and benefits etc.).  Because I know there’s no point for me to waste time in the place that can’t help me to grow and learn.  In recent situations, I kept on mumbled to myself that “I deserve to have a better job, better partner or any healthy relationship that nourish my self-help path.

I witness many co-workers they complain the environment continuously but never take better action, for example, to improve their skills and knowledge so can leave the job they hate, end up waste 40 years at the same unhappy job until they retire with remorse and unhappiness.  I don’t want to go through the same path.  I want to control the environment instead of just leading by it numbness, then one day when I look back I found myself no longer live with passion anymore.

I will resign from my job tomorrow, and will keep on trying to pick the suitable job that make me feel worthy and have positive impacts to myself.  Life is too short to get stuck in toxic environment.  In this year, I am more alert to surround myself with good people because I start to realize how big impact it added value to my life.  I was stuck in unhealthy environment for long and waste a lot of time previously.  Noways, though still a long way to work on but learn to head up and stay strong.

Photo credit : Pixabay

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