Close the doors that cause you pain, anger and suffering, so you can open the ones that bring you love, acceptance and inner peace.
Sadly to say, I’m good at spotting narcissistic behaviors / emotional abusers. I have a kind-hearted face (what people say), introvert and don’t like arguments so used to be quiet, without talking back even facing with injustice / quarrel. This may give abusers / narcissists a great chance to spot as an easy target to kick at.
In early years, I was confused without a suitable term to describe.my experiences. What irritates me a lot is all the myths people believe in. These make me feel lonely and weird to others because of my different perspectives from majority of people.
Our lives can be very miserable if narcissists / emotional abusers and our society own these myths, especially if they are our boss / parents, or anyone who control our life at certain level.
Candid equals to Mean
It’s annoyed me whenever I heard comments about someone say / do something hurtful to others, will be sugar-coated as “well,he/she just straightforward”, “he/she just being honest”. Holy Crap! I never believe being honest / frank should throw away all fundamental politeness / respects. I heard people who has bad temper is excused as being honest, no faking. It means that anytime we feel angry we can murder someone? it’s simply a good personality because we are being true to ourselves?
This is just an excuse for abusers / narcissists to say / do whatever they like without any consideration of other human beings. This is not honest, one who can’t control their tongues and behaviors is simply acting childish, selfish and self-center, he / she expects the world will forgive them endlessly. Many abusers feel miserable about their own lives, fail to deal with so project their anger and frustration to others, with a pretty label “being true to themselves”.
Conscientious equals to Picky
No gender discrimination but it’s actually commonly found from female. Some people check every unnecessary details because lack of confidence so always try to make things perfect to prove their self-worth. These type of people don’t realize such habit can lead to procrastination or ruin relationship with others.
What annoyed me more are another types of people who can tolerant their own faults but pay 200% effort to discover others’ flaws. They pick on others on purpose with a belief that the more mistakes they dig out represents their ability to handle the tasks better than others. They use the wrong way to prove their power and confidence.
Hardworking equals to Workaholic
Working atmosphere getting sick. People are highly praised for working 60 hours+ a week. In my theory, life is like a pizza, which consists of different ingredients and slices : love, relationship, family, hobbies, friends etc. Or it’s like a school record card, we got to have reasonable marks for every subject in order to get a good average marks of that semester. We will get a “red” marks even if we have 100 marks for certain subject but fail for majority of other subjects. Same as life, many people are very successful at work, but disaster at home or own relationship.
It’s always easy to focus on one specific thing – not as much as challenge to hit every category of life to get an average score of each. There’s a saying never put all eggs in one basket, somebody put all their focus on a relationship or a career, without investing much in other aspects. It’s very risky because when things goes wrong, life will be completely collapsed. In fact, people who spend 80%+ of time at work are usually try to escape from something, probably a rotten relationship or boring life. If your boss is narcissist and own this myth, we can never have our own lives outside work.
Narcissists / Emotional abusers have remorse
NO! They don’t feel sorry for what they say / did to others. They don’t have this ability. In fact, most of the times they think they are victims. Unfortunately, abused victims believe their abusers will have regret one day so they keep on forgiving and waiting forever. I had similar thought at past as I thought those who abused me from family, school and workplace will regret and change. But they never will, the more I step back, the more I suffer.
Outsiders can spot Narcissists / Abusers easily
According to my own experience, NO! Many narcissists / abusers I come across are very successful, smart and generous to their followers / outsiders. This is the perfect image they create to attract admirers. Only when you become their target of abuse, then their masks will take off and you will see their true self behind the scene. It’s a completely tough and lonely journey for victims because nobody will believe what he/say say about that person. They see from different angles of that narcissists / abusers. Many good husband / wife / friend / leaders can switch their faces completely to targeted victims.
Pretty / Successful people never a narcissist / emotional abuser
Many narcissists / emotional abusers will abuse verbally or emotionally to the one they found competitive. It’s because they used to be classified as the success, pretty or intelligent one. It’s difficult for them to handle the truth that there’s another person better than them. The way they regain the power, reputation and status is to step over / downgrade others’ privilege. I witness many brutal and ugly process.
What if you are abused ?
You are not alone. Heads up, stay strong. I can understand how lonely it can be as I am an abused survivor too. Tough to speak up, not only the shame we carry but also it’s difficult to find outsiders to believe the truth we see.
What if your friend or loved one is abused ?
Please trust and support him / her. You may not believe what you have heard because that person he / she describe can be very different from your experiences. Of course there are people who are over-reacted and usually misinterpret other intentions as attack behaviors. However, please use your judgment, if he/she doesn’t has the habit to generalize people’s attitude, you may need to re-evaluate the situation. Because you are not the target so you will never understand the injustice they are experiencing. Narcissists / Abusers are very tactful to abuse others without leaving any footprints.
What if you are narcissists / emotional abusers ?
Get a life! Upgrade and work on your self-esteem issues. Other people failed doesn’t mean you’re succeed. To hurt and step over others to prove your confidence / power is a very low -level tactic.
I’m weird because of my unconventional perspectives of many life topics. That’s why I do feel lonely and hopeless from time to time, not only because not too many understand me, but some will use these as their excuse to bad mouth / talk behind me or simply bully me verbally or emotionally. But what’s the point to live a life with full of lies and myths anyway?
Photo credit : Unsplash – Joshua Earle