Fools take a knife and stab people in the back.
The wise take a knife, cut the cord, and free themselves from the fools.
Binge Eating Habit
Oh my bad! When emotions overwhelmed, I binge eat – one of the most self-destructive behavior I pick up since young.
Thought I can manage my frustration, anxiety and anger better this time, I did head up, stayed strong and kept calm when resigned (though my body and voice still shake a bit during the meeting). But after I left the toxic workplace, I have been struggling to smooth my emotions properly and dive back into my binge eating habit for a week. Not only suffered from being maltreated / bullied at work but also punish myself further by adding up 10+ pounds. This made me angry at my ability to handle stress.
It’s definitely something I need to work on as such self-sabotage behavior as it always put me back to the loophole. That’s why my healing journey is back and fourth : one step forward then ten steps backward over the years. I didn’t really enjoy the food but simply stuff myself up to ease my emotions.
Such routine started again few months ago since my days filled with triggers usually every year end, plus I feel irritable / depressed / annoyed for not able to meet New Year resolution I promised myself. 3 months passed and I feel stuck in similar circumstances. It sucks as I strive to have a big leap to have a new chapter of life in this year. What on earth I am doing to myself?
Abusers bully victims tactfully and secretly
It’s always bother me because there’s no proof for any psychological / emotional abuse. I feel extremely lonely, confused and hopeless for not able to describe my situation, or persuade others at work that I was treated differently. My colleagues commented that I am over-thinking, over-reacted, or explained that my ex-boss was just a “straight-forward” person. She treats everyone the same as long as we do the job right.
I never feel angry about my colleagues because they don’t know the subtle interactions between me and my ex-boss. However, I really can distinguish whether a person is come to me for job-related issues or ON PURPOSE. It’s unnatural if there’s a person who pick on another person for everything. Something must going-on underneath.
These kind of abusers are very good at cover-up, they know they can’t scold / blame you for no reason as this will ruin their reputation. Thus the most common tactic they used are try to pick on you for everything you do, you say, you think at work, or make tasks difficult for you to memorize / organize / handle. At surface, when other colleagues heard these abusers complained, they will assume the victims really made some mistakes so need to take her / his responsibilities. But nobody will understand the truth and trap that pre-set for victims to fall in.
I was explained routine in fast speed (or skip certain steps not telling) that I can hardly write down or memorize, eventually not able to catch up and carry out the instructions; another time spent hours to change a simple document from one extension to another extension unnecessary and continuously for whole morning, until my computer can’t make any further change; or I was ordered to dig out a vintage dirty sample from warehouse WITH DRESS (when she spotted me wearing nicely that day), which supposed the duties of a warehouse worker (because he needs to move heavy card-boxes around), etc. etc. etc.
She planned these ON PURPOSE and always carry a smile when she saw me stressed out, sweating or stumble upon. Nobody can see the truth but only I can sense her sinister mask.
Abusers take advantage of your kindness / mercy
Abusers take your silence / forgiveness as your fear / incompetent to fight back. I know how to say or behave the same as emotional abusers, but it’s against my value and moral so I chose not to mock their actions. But there are many times my step aside didn’t serve me any good. Instead, I was bullied / abused even harder.
They take my tolerance for granted – the more I gave in, the more complacent they show as it represents their power over me. I learned it the hard way since young, from my abusive dysfunctional family, at work and even friend circles. My silence is treated as a weakness so can further walk all over me.
It seems in order to gain the power / reputation among others, we need to be harsh, to win during conversation even this hurt others feelings. I’m sad because it seems many people forget the fundamental healthy relationship is come from love, care and respect.
What I have learnt
Harm / hurts was caused by this abusive ex-boss, but now when I climb out from my binge eating cave, manage to re-evaluate the situation, few worthwhile lessons are still can be found.
Once again, it strengthens my belief of “Beauty comes from within”. My ex-boss is a pretty rich woman, but ONLY when she shuts up, because the way she approach the world with criticism, focus 200% on negatives and how she demean, judge and treat others disrespectfully – do made her look extremely ugly. It’s true for not judging beauty by appearance but soul and spirit. People afraid to stay close, chat to her, or try to escape elsewhere during her existence. That’s pathetic.
It’s striking to see one’s beauty but such feeling will fade away after times, that’s why people say no matter how prettier you are, sooner or later people will get used to such beauty, so will not praise you as like as the first time they meet the same person. However, one can become uglier after you spend certain time with him / her when their true self come out.
Secondly, we got to be humble, open and listen to others’ opinions. There’s a saying that the greatest punishment to a person is not telling him/her what’s mistakes he/she made. My ex-boss spent every moment to pick on me, so arrogant to tease and challenge my every move, aim to prove how smart and success she was. Absurdly, I found most of the time I’m the one who knew the best solutions / skills, which can actually enhance the workflow, efficiency and profits.
Simply because of her ignorance and ridiculous reaction drive me to keep silence. At surface I agree and obey but deep down I was laughing for such immature / unprofessional attitude. Further remind myself I should not behaving the same – if I want to upgrade myself and have a better perspective, I must learn what better ideas others are holding.
Hope I will not experience the same situation again. But if there is, I wish I can deal with my emotions better. Though I can set boundary and make a better choice to leave the toxic environment this time, but I still not able to handle my emotions properly and wisely.
Photo credit : Pixabay