I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. IT’S NOT.
The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone
– Robin Williams
I wish I can be more popular in crowds. Not meaning have hundreds of friends on Facebook as this actually made me exhausted (as an introvert), who needs spaces and alone times to recharge energy. But at least, hope being more welcome in groups. Once a comment was written on my record card – “If she can be more active she’ll be more popular to others”.
I can’t help but envy to see people who are attractive and sociable. How can they do that? I used to be very fat because of my binge eating self-destructive behavior. There were times I didn’t care my appearance anymore because I lost hope. I dress the same old / ugly clothes, ate, ate and ate to ease my emotions and according to many psychologists’ sayings, it’s a common coping mechanism for sexual abused child because we don’t want the attention.
The heavier I was, the more disrespected I got from society. It’s cruel but truth is we live in a society that judge people by appearance. Fat people used to be clarified as lazy, lack of accomplishments etc. My weight made me more unpopular to outsiders. People love to tease or use this as a weapon to bully me. The more hateful I got, the more I hide from foods to smooth my anxious, but the more food I binge the more weight I gained, then the more bullying / verbal / emotional abuse I suffered.
Glad I started to realize such self-sabotage behavior. My life, self-esteem getting better and more organized since I lost 80+ pounds 2 years ago.
Learned to be silence
Being quiet, obey and shut up are common attributes that abused child learned from an abusive / dysfunctional family. Though I don’t comply to distorted rules but knew the situation can get worsen if I fight / yelled back. Guess it’s the reason I picked up reading as hobby since early age as this always give me peace to live in toxic environment. Until this day, I still have problem dealing with authority because this remind me what I have been suffering from home. I crave for justice and black and white as my life at home are filled with dramas without boundaries.
Live with secrets
Same as other childhood abused survivors, no matter how miserable / abusive at home, we keep these in secrets, kind of like a dirty laundry that we feel shame to show outsiders. For many years, I carry all dramas on my own shoulders, never able to tell honestly and openly to anyone. I feel shame to have such parents and family members who don’t care my benefits but only their own welfare. I afraid to let people judge me for not being loved and abused,
Difficult to have genuine relationship
It’s impossible to have a true relationship if I keep many secrets to myself. I’m not fake but can’t speak or act freely in front of friends, colleagues or any potential lovers. Since I don’t talk much about my family life, background or history, this made people feel I’m timid, conservative or not interested in the relationship. I don’t want to let people see my wounds as I don’t know how to heal it back once it’s disclosed. Sometimes I feel more safe to not telling than sharing.
I tried once in a church, there were no professionals and backups there, my emotions collapsed terribly for a period of time even without telling what’s happened to me. Eventually I left the church because I can’t handle my erupted emotions anymore. It’s so scary and don’t want to re-touch the hurts.
More exposures than normal people
I love travel, reading, podcast, lectures and all kinds of knowledge that can help me to grow, heal or become a better self, plus observation skill we introverts good at. These all adds up lots of knowledge I absorbed over years, which give me have very different perspectives in many life tops / issues. Like a sponge to grab new ideas / knowledge continuously, let say, if I learned 1 tip everyday, I will have 365 tips more than anyone who don’t care to learn anything new in a year.
This is good for my self-development and healing journey, but this also give me a a bigger gap between others from time to time. I don’t force others to believe me but most of time I found it’s others don’t accept my ways of thinking. Again, I’m weird to their eyes. I don’t mean to brag about my skills / knowledge but I kind of understand what people means “it’s lonely to stay at the top, or ten steps further than other people”.
Reasons why I start this blog this year because I want to throw myself to the world. To learn more true to myself by speaking out secrets / burdens / hurtful memories I carried over the years. This is a huge milestone for me as I don’t have this courage, if you ask me last year.
I start to realize if I’m not able to open myself up and share my vulnerability, I will never accept myself. If I can’t accept myself then I can never expect others accept me.
And if you see someone always stay in corner, looks sad, extremely quiet, or seldom talk about themselves, please be patience and warm to them, they are just simply scare to open their wounds up to the world. They may dress poorly or have weight issues; it doesn’t mean they don’t care but they simply lost hope to live; they want friends and relationships but don’t know how because this is not the skill they learn from dysfunctional family.
I knew all these signs and always feel sad for seeing one, because I am one of them.
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