Don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs,
but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.
– George S. Patton
I resigned once AGAIN….. Don’t understand what message / signal I delivered to the world, I tend to attracted toxic / abusive / narcissistic bosses.
These people were totally normal, nice and react professionally during interviews or at least at the early stage of relations. Unfortunately, their true face / personality were unfold, no longer care in hiding their insecure, ugly traits, controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviors. Many of them are even well-recognized to the public, gain great reputations / awards and are praised as generous, kind and successful person.
Drama Episodes I experienced
– at last working day, entrance’s password was changed to stop me enter the office, my belongings were packed and throw out to the street. I was treated as a thief and I need to call police to get my final paycheck as they tried to make excuse to cut down the payment. Though I finally won for justice but they actually throw the paycheck to floor for me to pick up. So humiliated that I cried for days.
– I was picked for every small stuff, no matter it’s my fault or not but they simply want to find any opportunity to show others how bad, stupid and lousy staff I was. Blame, yell, emotional and verbally abused become normal. I was so exhausted after work not because the work-load but all psychological burden, so afraid to get back office after every weekends.
– Colleagues joined together gave me hard time, refused to share their knowledge / skills about certain tasks. Gossiping, teasing and sarcastic comments about my appearance, how I dress or work are spread around office. It’s like bullying at high school and I was excluded / unannounced from their lunch, general gatherings, or even official meetings.
More dramas I hardly have time to write them all down…..it hurts….
In the past….
Many self-doubts were raised inside, I was so afraid to stand up for truth or speak out. In fact I lost motivation and confidence to communicate. People hurt people. Since I don’t know how to deal with non-sense, negotiate, fight back for justice so usually shut up and swallow all anger / frustration by myself. There’s no doubt to find myself trapped in depressed cycle for days or weeks, cried and indulged in emotional binge eating, self-criticized, self-hated as well as other self-destructive behaviors.
In the present…..
Though still a lot of inner work need to be done, but I sense myself getting stronger and tougher in comparing to previous days.
Nowadays, I find abusers / narcissistic shocking face when I strike back. They don’t expect the one who usually speak gently, enjoy harmony relationship will stand tall to speak up for herself in a firm and determined attitude.
My ex-boss once again try her best to spot any tiny opportunity to blame me, but this time I refuse to be a punching bag again so I argued back. Like a professional lawyer presented in court, I reply to her non-sense charges with dignity, strong evidence and persuasive appeal. I won the justice gracefully, chin up and chest out while she was embarrassed by her mean, childish and unprofessional / over-reacting behaviors.
I found myself handle abusive situations better nowadays.
– Before I left the position, I make a to-do list during my job hunting gap (I used to sleep whole day for weeks to smooth my depressed emotions);
– I continue my work-out the first day I left, stay fit and healthy (I used to binge eating);
– I have strong belief that I will find a job better than this (I used to blame myself to quit the job as I thought I will never find a better one).
– I don’t argue to my ex-boss, quit is quit, no further explanation as I feel life is too short to waste energy and time to anyone I don’t respect (I used to cry and react emotionally whenever I was mistreated).
– I listed out all necessary skills / knowledge I need to study during this break, opportunity is for everyone who’s prepared (I used to do nothing as I don’t believe there’s a better chance for me).
I changed….though not a big leap but every bits of differences represented my strength and a milestone for my self-growth.
I’m getting stronger and stronger everyday, both emotionally and psychologically. I’m more conscious to chose people around me and more sturdy to stay away from toxic people and environment.
The more confidence, self-worth and self-esteem I build up, the less I can tolerate to waste any minute of my treasure life to anymore that drag me down, or do nothing good to my life. I started to accept and realize this is the responsibilities of abusers to control their behaviors / emotions, not me.
I get faster to run away from narcissistic people to keep a healthy boundary. Because now I understand the longer I stay connect to toxic people, the easy my core value, soul and spirits will be contaminated without my notice. Sooner or later I will identify with their behaviors, thoughts and attitudes which lead me to unfulfilled life.
How about you? are you willing to surrender your dignity, life and happiness in exchanging a stable, high-paid or well-recognized position?
Photo credit : Foter