When I walk into a room full of people, I always look for you first.
It’s been over 3 years since the first time we met and become your secret admirer. Time fly so fast.
Very often, my emotions are fluctuated according to our interactions (just like many of other women), your behaviors / attitudes towards me sometimes makes me feeling fly to the sky but other times I was drowned. That day I was happy over the moon but the other day I was totally depressed after we met.
But as I calm down to collect my thoughts, realize I actually don’t have right to blame or angry with you, how could I? I am the one who behave strangely, being cold and detached. You tried every attempt to approach and want to have conversation with me but because of my lack of confidence and self-worth, I always stay away from your staring or keep an arm of distance.
I might act like don’t care or paying attention to you, but in fact I acknowledge all your stares, tell jokes to make me laugh, bump to me in corridors purposely, etc. I understood all these gestures and intentions but just too scare to respond, not even look into your eyes.
It’s silly but I do have difficulties to open my heart and trust others after all those abusive years. Many internal wounds scare me away for being hurt again. Deep down I yearn for your attention, love and care, but at surface, I can’t put myself out of the comfort zone. I love to have you around me but get nervous when you approach me.
Many times I sensed how frustrated / angry / disappointed you felt from your facial expressions and tone of voices after I didn’t respond to your attempts. Guess we both realize some chemistry is running between us but you may feel confused about my response.
I knew you always search for my existence whenever you step in the room, try your best to make excuses to stand near or make eye contact with me. You try many ways to break the ice but I just too scare to let our interactions go further.
I worried you no longer like me once you found out my history / background, or my other flaws, thus feel more safe to freeze our relationship in frog rather than ruining all fantasies. While I am still learning how to trust and rely on others, I feel uncomfortable for any intimacy relationship.
Thank you so much for saving my life no matter what. Because of you, I started to leave my cave and make some big changes. Though there still have a lot of work to do on myself but at least I become better than I used to be.
Many times I want to give up and disappear completely from your environment. But deep down I know it’s the nice for me to surround myself with positive people. You are always so energetic, goal driven and confident, these are traits I always admire of. Your perspective and ambitions do motivate me to stay on track and work hard to be a better version of myself.
Over the years, whenever my emotions are overwhelmed, I just run away and back to my comfort zone to avoid any potential rejection, judgments or failure in relationships. But your brave attitude/vision on your job inspired me to stay in my “frighten” zone to take challenges in other aspect of my life.
Sorry for all frustrations / confusions I gave you. Understand I could do better but I just don’t know how to, at least at this stage.
Your secret admirer
This letter supposed quite personally. I chose to publish it openly not only because I want to share my life / feelings freely, but also would like to address trust issues of any abused survivors.
It can be very frustrated / confused or even mad when you are dating or having a partner who went through difficult times in the past. You may feel no matter how much effort you made but they seem still so distant, cold or don’t care about your good intentions?
Please! I would like to confirm you that most of time it’s not because of you, it’s probably not always your fault but simply they’re so frighten to open up their wounds.
It needs to take a huge amount of patience, time and love to communicate. This seems difficult right? Yeah! That’s why survivors always have difficulties to find people who have such great patience which end up survivors easily be misunderstood or stay lonely the whole life.
How about you? Do you have a secret admirer? or you are the one?
Photo credit : Pixabay – Ktburnett91