I can shake off everything as I write,
my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.
– Ann Frank
About a year ago, I’ll tell you I never feel comfortable / necessary / important to start my blog. This is however completely change now. It’s been almost a year since I started, there are obvious improvements / benefits to many aspects of my life.
Always have doubts whenever I heard professionals’ advice of writing but today I would like to encourage / urge any abused survivors to share your own story NOW.
I’m not particularly emotionally unstable (or should I say learning to shut down emotions?). I learned to numb, detach, or don’t respond to external circumstances that potentially trigger my feelings / emotions since young.
Guess it’s a common attitude for many abused survivors, we just can’t feel and react all the times or situation since those events can be very hurtful / painful. But as a human, there’s no doubt my emotions do jump ups and downs occasionally, especially when flashbacks / hurtful memories bombarded me suddenly. This put me into depression, PTSD symptoms, anxious or other self-destructive behaviors, e.g. binge eating, only sleep or simply do nothing. This distract my routine a lot but I just can’t control it.
But since I grab the habit of writing, I start to learn expressing my feelings / emotions more productively in words. Though sometimes it’s still difficult to find right words describing true situation / feelings, but at least better than swallow all negative feelings / thoughts inward as I used to be. Writing is one of the healing tools (besides of exercise) to help me calming my emotions in a more positive way. It distracts me from over-thinking or other limit self-sabotage thoughts.
Basically, I’m kind of a soft, tender and mellow person. Not many stuffs can make me yell, scream or jump around. But there were times my anger was completely over-the top (out-of-control). It happened when I start to realize my situation via self-education, I felt betrayed / hurt and angry.
I reached the stage of getting so furious to see / hear or stay in the same room with my abuser/by-standers. I had evil thoughts to hurt those who hurt me. That uncontrollable feelings happened many years ago and those angry memories are still very strong nowadays. Of course I never really hurt anyone but all internalized anger was so strong which make me feel pains all over my body, muscle and organs.
According to my personality, understand I’ll never tough enough to confront with family authority figure. Like many other abused survivors, no matter how mad we are, at certain point we’re so afraid to ruin the so-called family’s reputation / system, no matter how dysfunctional / toxic it is. Somehow we feel if we disclose those secrets, we’ll be the one who ruin everything.
Writing things down help me to transfer my anger / frustration to a more peaceful platform. It’s kind of like sharing feelings / thoughts with someone sit quietly in front of me without any judgment / critics.
Learn to open up
Same as many other survivors, we are very good at hiding secrets, especially if they are taboos. People general enjoying hearing warm, loving and touchy family stories; all parents and family members are supposed to support and care each other unconditionally.
Well, that’s definitely not my experiences. My family always “weird” according to my observation, it’s a war zone (though outsiders only see the best-fake side). I’m always acting alert, tense and guard for any potential dramas throw to me.
Feel more safe to shut down, stay away or keep a length-arm distance from others. Trust issue lead me afraid to open up and share intimate thoughts with others. I embed shame, guilt and not-good-enough image as a target of abuse. Most people tend to blind-fold, only want to see / listen what they love a family should be, and many outsiders tend to judge / confront victims rather than supporting them for justice. This make victims getting more worry to share their stories because of “blame the victims” and “re-victimizing” symptoms.
Writing teach me how to open up myself gradually. Not saying that I’m fake or bad to others, but I always build a huge wall around me. I can communicate well but only reach to certain level of closeness, this avoid me to establish a genuine relationships with others. I’m scare to open up – afraid to be judged or look down according to my history.
Writing help me to re-collect, re-organize my thoughts / feelings thus I’m getting more clarity about what happened to me. Surprisingly, we always think we know who we are or what we think, but truth is we’ll reach a much deeper and objective self-reflection / self-actualized status when writing all down. This enhance any individual’s self-growth journey.
A baby you own
Once I heard a motivational speaker mentioned that we talk and talk all day long with friends sharing our thoughts / feelings, but after conversation all gone. Fortunately, writing is a “digital record” that will be existed once we published online. We never know how long we still alive in this world, but our articles / videos will be there FOREVER. Your next generation or a stranger from another side of the earth can read your mind. How amazing is it?
We never know when and who will read your articles, and somehow you change a bit of their perspectives, or alter their lifestyle etc. A true story : a poor family lived in rural area never have access to business ideas but the father love to gather together with his kids everyday after work, listened to entrepreneur podcasts from a crappy old computer, took notes while listening. After a period of time, the father gather enough knowledge so start his own business based on knowledge he learned from the net. Now they earn better money and get rid of the several-generation history of poverty.
We are creating something that ultimately belong to us and possibly changing someone’s life. This accomplishment can never be achieved when you working for your boss. No matter how hard you work, the business / brand / profit still belongs to them. But a writing platform is completely owned by you – which can be organized / created according to your own desire / purpose and rules.
Contribute to public education
Generally, it’s not a specific person can change anyone’s life dramatically. But every bits of information this person absorb changing their lives subtlety and gradually.
Every writer is a contributor to plant a seed into a field. We never know when and how it grows but sure one day will. Writing and sharing your memoir / story is actually adding a seed into another person’s mind / soul. We are the farmer who plant the seed, lead the thought or break a taboo. The more we share and talk about certain topic, the more it becomes normal, wide-spread and be aware.
I was so confused and hopeless until I came across more articles of narcissistic, toxic parents or abusive family etc. Not too many people in my cycle hear these terms so it’s difficult to find someone to share or learn from. But today I’m more educated and self-awareness – thanks for all contributors of books / videos / articles that came to my life.
I would suggest my younger-self or anyone who surviving from trauma start writing as earlier as possible.
Advantages may not be emerged at the first day / month / year, but sure will benefit to your life continuously, whether it’s physically, psychological or emotionally. At least I do.
What make you want to write and share your story / experience?
It’s actually your hobby? or you have mission or purpose to do so?
How you feel so far since you start this writing habit?
Image credit : Pixabay – Foundry