It’s been a long time didn’t blog …. life is busy since my new job.
My emotions however are in roller coaster recently so time to feel write again to share shattered feelings / thoughts.
As an abused survivor, no matter how hard we tried, we just accumulated so many unresolved issues bury in heart / mind that ready to burst out.
SELF-DOUBT is inevitable
I consider myself is not vulnerable / insecure comparing to general people, guess it’s because strength / toughness (coldness) already established long ago from abusive history.
Abused survivors learned to detach from environment since young -this is our survival skills. We learned not to feel / hurt by surroundings to avoid destroy our sanity.
In normal shinny days, we seem “OK” but when life get tough / stress, self-doubt / self-hated will become like a dark cloud follow us. No matter how many motivational videos / podcasts we watch / listen, just feel like we kind of damage, can never be good enough, feeling worthless from bottom of heart.
Pretty happy at new job in the first few months. Then when new receptionist joined, I spent my best effort to teach / guide and support her. Months pasts, she gains knowledge / skills gradually and recently start to feel the roles and atmosphere is changed.
She no longer as “naive” / humble as she used to be, instead, getting more and more competitive at work, disrespect my orders, starts to ignore my existence and please my boss, discuss job with her directly behind my back. My routine is getting complex and difficult to follow because many information are uninformed to me, this made me feel like a fool.
Feeling betray with lots of self-doubts. She is a talkative / sociable / well-round person, in reverse, I’m a low-key, quiet, calm – definitely not a social butterfly. She is ambitious/competitive, starts to by pass me by contact and negotiate with clients / instructors / boss, this drag me down from time to time. Don’t know how and what to do to express my insecure properly.
My boss enjoy people sweet-talk to massage her ego. I’m a honest, be true to myself stubborn, always can’t fit in very well when situation getting fake, everyone is laughing for her silly joke while I stay awkward.
Fear of confronting
Many abused survivor like me, our childhood filled with drama / frustration / anger / lies. We learned to stay away from trouble / chaos, afraid to deal with all these again. I tend to enjoy quiet / alone moment more as it’s like a safety net to protect myself being hurt.
Sadly, the more you step away / stay low-key and humble, the more people will step over you without caring your feelings.
This young receptionist suppose respect me (assistant to boss) but the more power she gain the more she starts to act arrogance and no longer as”naive” as I think she was. She started rolling eyes more often. At surface, she stills act like respect but her behavior / aggressive attitude show me she want to kick me out and replace me one day. Now she just pretend to be nice and grab as much as I know from my job. Once again, I feel betray and make me can’t concentrate at work.
When she first joined the company, I gave her so many tips and sharing so many thoughts to help her have good impressions at work. Now I feel like she just used me.
She’s very clever asking me to teach or fix her problem, after that, she will present it to my boss act as this is her own work. I was sad for being used. She always pretend thoughtful to check out my status / information then steal my ideas / comments to present to my boss, act like this is her perspective / thoughts.
At the same time, she starts to hide her information, keep on spying my phone calls and hiding behind doors to listen my conversation with boss and others. Hate to deal with office political but I also start to protect myself by not sharing all I know and keep boundaries. When I noticed she’s wandering around when I was in discussions, I simply shut up until she left.
Feeling left out always
Really feel I’m very “unique”. Abused history made me have difficulties to open up myself and relate to others, everyone seems so normal. Grew up in dysfunctional family made me have an arm-length distance with majority of people. Especially when I found myself trapped in political environment, I just shut down.
Besides, I always strive to learn and grow aim to break the cycle of abuse. Over the years, read so many books to enhance my understanding of abuse / self-growth etc., podcasts / lectures / seminars and all these of course mature me. Unfortunately, this always make me feel like not many people understand my perspective.
Strongly feel many people are just following the crowd in which I hate to do so. Many years I was trapped for lies / betray and finally I’m a grown up so i want to live the life i want. No longer can tolerate doing what others force me to do or think. My stay-out-of-crowd gestures push me further from majority of people.
My boss is not the type of person I admire. Witness many times for her cruelty to others because of money. I can sense her insecurity deep down no matter how success she think she is.
I helped her a lot at work so she controlled herself not to talk bad in front of me, but will openly share her indirectly messages in public. She is the one demonstrate “NOT” walk the walk. I feel disconnected with her because of her character.
Getting understand we are the average of the 5 person we surround with. Start to realize how importance it is to have a good role model around me, in which I’m lack of. Now I know the more time we spent stay with negative people, ugly personality, sooner or later, we will become them.
Work environment filled with female so filled with gossips. Don’t like to gossip others or simply step over others to make myself look good. Annoyed to join the meeting because every week we waste 2 hours to discuss many things that are not supposed to be discussed. 90% of the topics are gossips / bragging / show-off, this make me feel exhausted and stress out in the morning when that is the meeting date.
My boss sensed my unwillingness to join the meeting, thus I was allowed to stay in my desk since last month. I was relieve no need to tolerate stupid meeting (everyone is trying to sweet-talk and please my boss). But at the same time I also feel being left out when I heard them laughing / enjoying / having fun. Seems like I’m the only person have problems not fitting well.
Many times my boss preach but these are indirectly messages to me. That’s why I seldom share my personal life with her because later on she will pretend talk to others but actually telling me something. e.g. I run everyday, she will say something sarcastically with others about how bad it is to run; when i read, she will tell others reading is old school, for those who is not success with lots of leisure time. These frequent chit-chats she share with others in front of me made me feel uncomfortable because I know it’s target to me.
Its dragging my energy in such environment. I smile less and less at work. People fake behavior and competition ruin my confidence / self-worth.
How do you feel about my situation? have you ever deal with similar situation? Please leave your comments below to share your wisdom.
How to deal with this negative thoughts and emotions when you need to work with people you don’t really like / admire? What do you suggest?