Abused Survivor

Sensitivities to stress – Childhood Trauma

Once again, I fall apart, devastated by my emotion / low self-esteem, feeling overwhelmed.

 

Many times my emotion outburst uncontrollably so locked myself up in toilet cried for hours at work, or felt completely didn’t know how to handle so end up resign from the position, hate to let others see my weakness / vulnerable moments.

 

Trauma survivor’s stress level

 

In normal days, I’m ok be calm, relax and managed to deal with stress, but there are times triggers hit me hardly by all childhood memories and past hurts.

 

Lately, the competitive colleague made me feel extremely uncomfortable, not only because she steals my ideas or try very hard to step over / push me aside to “stand out” in front of my boss, but also deep down I know I’m comparing myself to her.

 

I’m jealous of her confidence, happy attitude, sociable skills – seems so easy to connect with everyone happily.  I’m introvert, low-key and respect others, she’s extrovert, high-profile and never shy away to show up for opportunities at all costs.  I jealous of her braveness and this hurts my self-worth / self-esteem.

 

We have cameraman come to do video-shooting for advertisement purpose, I tried to stay back and not willing to be shoot, but she has already thinking about what to wear even though nobody ask her to be shoot. That’s make me realize how lame I am.  I thought it’s nice always stay low in avoiding showing off, assume this is humble; instead, she always jump out / interrupt in the middle of people conversation, simply want to be acknowledged.  That’s the big difference.

 

When things get tough, like many abused survivor, I can’t respond to stress properly and kind of childish in many people eyes.  I’ll cry and resign if I don’t feel comfortable or fit in.  This is considered as immature as all working adults need to act professionally.

 

When stress arise, I just can’t handle very well.  Since young, I learned to shut down and locked myself in the cave in order to protect myself.  I don’t know how to confront or handle conflicts, don’t know how to relate to others more, because my dysfunctional family taught me if you don’t obey, then you are out and never be loved again.  In daily life, when people see you weak, they will step you more.

 

 

Weirdo and can’t fit in well

 

I’m afraid of gossip or too complicated / political environment, when colleagues become mean and calculated and ready to replace me, I don’t know how to react, fight back and stand up for myself.  I simply shy away and let other “shine”.  This make many people underestimate me and look me down further.

 

Like today I’m stressed out, cried and took a half day leave from work.  I know this is the great opportunity for this competitive co-worker to stay close to my boss (this is what she’s trying to do).  Dog eat dog society, my heart sink but there’s nothing I can do. Competition happens everywhere, I just not good at protect my territory.

 

I found myself have difficulties to fit in, guess, because I’m not comfortable to share much my personal lives, family background like everyone is sharing openly without hesitation at work.  This make me feel awkward and lonely.

 

Not only because I don’t have much good grown up stories like normal people to share, but also due to the bully history I got over the years, it’s hard for me to trust people 100% because I was betray / sold out from time to time.  Especially when people see you success or gain more power at work, people love to drag you down.  I was exhausted for drama.

 

I want to fit in and be more popular, like the competitive colleague. How come she can connect to everyone so quickly and have better relationship with others even though she joined this company later than me?  Though kind of fake / sweet-talk / people pleaser, but the truth is people buy it.

 

She just know when and what to say in front of different people, never shy away to show-off, make sure my boss know everything she did by reporting every / all small tasks e.g. photocopy, help another colleague wash lunchbox etc.  Never do the job without announce proudly to my boss.

 

In my mind, all these small tasks are just not worth to declare and show-off every time, and she kept on interrupt my conversation with boss to draw attention, which annoyed me.  It’s sad to see since my boss love people massage their ego, they fit with each other perfectly.  I’m getting less obvious as an assistant but she’s shiny than me because she kept on taking over my job.

 

And all the gossips at work, this drives me nuts and annoyed me a lot. I went through many dramas so don’t like to experience again.  The more people gossips at certain environment, the more quiet I became.  But how come there are so many people seem cope with the chaos / mess so easily? I just don’t know how to deal with it.

 

Self-worth crash completely

 

What hurt the most is when I was crying and upset, colleagues knew it but behaved more happily, laugh more loudly.  It seems nothing happened and people just don’t care about my feelings.  This hurts!  Why people don’t like me?

 

Once again doubted myself, what’s wrong with me? Although I don’t share much or gossip with them, but I always respect and teach / support them whenever they need.  Even though now the competitive steal my work but I still keep on helping her. Why human can be so cruel?  It seems that she wants to see me fail, and expecting me to resign so she can take my job.

 

Last time when I share my feelings and mentioned want to resign, she expressed without hesitation for her excitement.  That day I was hurt for being betray.

 

Though I’m not too close to colleagues, but my boss highly trust me and rely on me because I really a good staff : responsible, resourceful and hardworking.  I’m kind of like “a star” at work.  If she needs anything to be done, I’m the one to be called and I sense this make competitive co-worker feel unhappy and making face, become more aggressive to jump out to do my job.

 

I sense she pretended nice and respect in front of me but deep down she wants to replace me.  Today is a great opportunity for her to step up and show-off.  This scares me because my self-worth / self-confidence are crashed to the bottom.

 

It hurts and again feel betray when I heard she laugh, acting happily while I was crying. How come people can change so quickly and cruel? I used to teach her everything and so supportive, always give her tips to impress my boss and stay away from troubles. Is she using me? Now she starts to steal away my jobs / success and act so cold when I’m upset?  This really hurts me.

 

What’s my problem?  This remind me I never be the one who was loved by family. Always a scapegoat in bully situations.  All crappy / long ago childhood trauma memories rise up today.

 

What’s the point to stay in this unsupported environment?  Why I’m always trapped? How long will I heal and when will I really get over all past hurts that won’t affect my coming life?  No hope for childhood trauma survivor?

 

 

Final thoughts

 

It’s not the first time I found myself can’t fit in due to my unwillingness to follow the crowd.  It’s sad to find nobody understand me in the environment.

 

It’s frustrated to see others playing around, gossip but good at sweet-talk can climb up the ladder.  While I’m the one who is honest and be true, work hard but not accept/welcome by co-workers.

 

Do you think I’m childish? I tried, learned and sometimes I just feel tired.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s