Never a stalker until today…. devastated experience.
Story starts from …
5 Years ago, I met him and bits by bits, he make huge impact on my healing and personal development.
At first, it’s just the energy he deliver made me feel “I want to become better and success like him”. So I started to take care of my weight and outer appearance, it’s just like a snowball effect, when you fix 1 thing, it will motivate you to fix another thing and carry on ….more and more improvements will be shown.
After lost 100+ lbs I started to dress better (I used to dress big and loss T-Shirt and looked really “shit”), then begin to have laser face treatment to remove all the scars / spots / black dots that displayed all over my face.
Not only people started to notice my change and comment my increased beauty, but also this change my attitude towards life so I started to crave for healing techniques and care much about my career.
No words can explain my deepest thanks to “him” from bottom of heart because it’s all started from him.
Healing – Just Do 1 Thing at a time
Thus for any abuse survivor, my little advice is just start 1 little thing first, then you will tackle one by one along the journey. Doesn’t mean it’s easy, the process is tough and needs lots of persistent. But when you conquer this, in my situation, when I knew I can lose so many weight, I realized I can do better and conquer other things too.
So just 1 Thing! Fellow Survivors.
Can’t remember when it happened, the more time we get together the more I sense my crush on him. That’s suck! Because he’s married with kids.
If it’s only my personal feelings, the whole situation might easier. The trick is I started to realize he seem start to feel interest on me too. He’s so handsome, confident, intelligent and success, so why on earth he will pay attention to me? I’m shy, social awkward and have emotional baggage that hold me back to have good relationship with others.
This is what I thought at the beginning, but many incidents showed he tried to attract my attention and approach me whenever there’s chance. Always stared at me and mirror my reactions, tell jokes etc.
Like many other survivors, I do have serious trust issues, always keep an arm distance from others and build up a wall to protect myself. General social conversation is OK, but if it’s getting close or intimacy, I will have big trouble.
The more they get close,the more I hide away. That’s terrible experience for many people who wanted to have relationship with me. I saw there were many times he was so disappointed when fail to get my attention.
At surface, I am cold and looks like don’t care much, but deep down I was craving for this attention so much but just too scare to react / response his interests.
Addict and Attached deeply
I know I’m a terrible person, addict and attached to this cycle for years and not strong enough to cut the relationship.
This morning went through all his social profiles and the process crashed me. All photos related to his wife, kids and they seem so happy together. I am so sad.
Also I was amused by men can really act like a different person, no matter they have families, kids or wives, they can have another adventure life outside home.
I know I can catch his heart simply anytime when I say “yes” or being much warm and approachable. He tried very hard, this might because men’s ego, the more difficult the more they want to chase that woman.
Never play “easy” not because I wanted to play “game” but because I know if I accept this relationship I will be in trouble. I can’t handle my vulnerability.
I’m stuck with lots of emotions now. If it’s not because of this, I actually quite admire his guts, courage and enthusiasm to fight for what he wants for life, I witness he starts from Zero, work his ass off, plan everything intelligently to own such a good life now : warm home, good professions, rich with high reputations.
Sometimes I can’t figure out whether I’m attracted to him because of him is him, or because his attitude / core value and wisdom, in which that’s all the qualities I wish myself can equip.
He changes many people lives, I want to become such kind of person, impact others instead of following what others think and feel. Don’t like myself being trapped with him but at the same time I know I am not ready to let go yet.
At great level, he motivated me become better, I want to improve every time before I met him. When I don’t need to meet him for a while, I just stay lazy and lose the motivation. This is unhealthy although I know.
I wanted to stop and discontinue the unhealthy fantasy…..but simply the thought of leaving and never see him again….already drive me crazy, cry and feel devastated. Sucks!