Keep changing, keep growing, keep evolving!
Never easy for abuse survivors to go through festivals / celebrations as it’s always brought up many sad memories / hurtful flashbacks.
Don’t know why but recently many memories came up my minds during normal daily routine, e.g. visiting some places, packing up clothes, brushing teeth or other common activities etc.
Kind of like : when the moment people ready to die … all memories from the past come up like movie.
Strange. But this make me rethink my evolution over years.
Early Stage of Evoluation after Abuse
Many abuse victims, including me, had no clue and clouded with many uncertainty / self-doubts about the whole abuse situation. Especially when we were a child who was not mature enough to digest everything.
Nowadays whenever I read adult survivor stories, found there’s a commonality among abuse stories, we were act like a robot living in chaos / dramas and did’t know how to react.
We were brainstormed and distorted by all destructive / abusive behavior. Since we were humiliated, name-calling and emotionally abuse fiercely thus we had already believed this is what we supposed to be. We believed we are not worthy, not deserved to be loved, hated ourselves with low self-esteem, lack of confidence, hopeless.
Remembered there were many sad memories during celebrations / festivals as I was never qualified to celebrate with family. I was the only one who was left alone at home while everyone is cheering / dressing and prepared for going out to have family dinner etc.
Today when i think back, i can understand how clue my abusive dad was, remembered his smiles when he spot my sadness and how supportive of my siblings.
Tears can’t stop running on my cheeks and when i was really depressed, i cried for the whole night with a swallow eyes the next day. I need to hide myself at school, being isolated, out of focus – so nobody will notice my sadness.
Many many years…. I was wandering around the streets / parks while staring at others having fun in public. I sat quietly at dark so nobody noticed me wiping my tears.
I was so confused….didn’t know what happened and why this happened to me. Am I that terrible that really not deserved to be loved? How can i believe others will love me when even my family / parent feel i’m disgusting? Many self-hated within.
Middle Stage of Evoluation after Abuse
Luckily, I love reading, exploring and never tired of self-education. When I wanted to figure out something, I can dive myself into hundreds of books / articles / speeches, etc.
Remember there were times I want to figure out what happened to me, dreaming having my own warm family one day, so i went to library everyday to read all the parenting books i can find on the shelf….would like to nurture and educate myself since I didn’t have a role model at home. I didn’t know how to behave, think and react to different situations. Kind of self-parenting for many years.
Though didn’t know what happened, but deep down… somehow I felt something wasn’t right, this motivated me to read / learn and investigate like crazy. Once I discovered there are tons professionals / survivors sharing their thoughts and stories online, I can’t help but spent my energy to digest all information I can grab on. This is the stage of “Hungry Learning”.
The more I educated myself, the more I felt angry inside. At early stage, I thought I was ugly, fat and rubbish (what I was name-called at home), now I realized I was abused. My rage started to pile up and this hurt me terribly, both mentally and physically. My muscle was so tease and feeling pain here and there. The stress, pressure and rage…..My heart was about to explode and i even had thoughts to smack my abusive dad, everyone and want them die.
In the meantime, I felt terrible guilty and shame having such evil thoughts because I supposed not to feel this way towards my blood-related family, right? This is not a good daughter should be reacted, right? Or even a decent human should not react this way? How can I be so ungrateful and unforgivable? Am I an evil? What a terrible person!
Tried to suppress my emotions / feelings but it boiling inside. This hurts! The more my family and abusive dad pretend everything is fine, telling others that I’m the only one who has troubles and so “bad”……the more angry I got.
Outsiders always view my dad as a “God” and a humble father, who sacrifice so much for his family but so unluckily that he has such a bad daughter – “me”, who always bring troubles to the family. I wanted to scream loud and throw up!! He’s not the same person he project in public, you guys never know his true identify, what a fake / narcissistic / abusive person.
No matter what happened to me, I didn’t have the guts to disclose anything : how he abused me emotionally and sexually. How he betrayed and play tricks to torture me.
I realize how weak he was and can foresee ….if I speak up and confront with him, tell the truths to relatives / his friends, end up I’ll become the bad person, who betray the family and ruin the harmony.
All sorts of chaos and trauma drive me crazy. I didn’t know how to control my anger.
Later Stage of Evolution After Abuse
I’m more grounded nowadays, not only because of getting more mature, but also I have more other channels to express myself. Though still struggling with trust issue, having difficulties to establish intimacy / healthy relationship with others, but I’m kind of on the right track.
Exercise habit helps me to ease my emotion, plus since I started writing, launch facebook page …..I have more funnels to speak up my mind.
I used to underestimate the power of writing, but now I would suggest anyone who go through any sorts of trauma should try writing. Nothing fancy or professional but I simply jot down your thoughts / feelings, this is the way we survivors learn to open and share those secrets.
Since i started to write my story, not only heal my invisible pain and accept my history, but also make me realize that I’m not alone in the planet.
Sad but you will be surprised to find out ….. there actually many other survivors went through similar situation. Just need to open yourself and the right people will find you. This new experience definitely minimize my loneliness, strengthen my courage to own my life.
Purpose of this blog is not simply sharing my abuse history or healing journey, but I would like to encourage anyone who’s suffering similar situation….. understand that there’s really a way out, as long as you keep on moving and evolving, “the better you” will soon be emerged.
Do not make the same mistakes like me, staying alone, isolated from the society. There are bad people but also good people, you just need to make some efforts to find them.
I wish I can understand all these concepts as early as possible so I didn’t waste so much time and energy to sob / figure out all by myself. Sometimes we can fix the problem, but there are things that we really can’t amend, but better let go.
Today, I cherish every moment as I sorry for myself for how much time i wasted, it’s not worth it if I can do it all again.
What do you think? Have you ever evolved over years? Or feeling stuck at the same old situation? Don’t know how to crawl out? Love to hear your comments.
Image Credit : Pixabay – MichaelGiada