Abuse Survivor, are you pushing people away

Abuse survivor, are you pushing people away?



When we used to get hurt, we don’t know how to react when others appreciate us, so we end up pushing people away.



What I observe



My new consulting career force myself go outside to attend seminars and networking occasionally.  This totally out of my comfort zone since my life is quite routine (boring?) and mostly alone.  Feeling uncomfortable however, this is a must for any soloentreneur.


Over the past few months, I’ve been observed many speakers / visitors etc. in public situations and noticed there are people who look very fierce / unapproachable or seem harsh.  Whenever the host ask us to connect or take part of some activities, I tend to move away from this type of seem-unfriendly people.


This makes myself do lots of self-reflection. Am I one of them?



Introvert nature


I used to consider myself as extrovert since I love to explore, travel and always curious to learn new things. No doubt to attend any talks / functions alone as long as it interests me. Until I read more articles about introvert from professionals then realize and rename myself as an introvert.


If you are also an introvert, you should understand what and how we introverts feel : although we still very curious to explore here and there, but eventually we need time to release our tension from activities.  Our energy drained when spending too much time around people.  In fact, we don’t enjoy social, chit chat very much.  Not because we hate people but simply need lots of private time to recharge.


There are no problems for us to stay alone/silent for the whole day / week, by just diving into books / videos or anything that interests us.  Seriously, I can speak to nobody for a week / month (though it’s unhealthy to wellbeing so not encourage).


I know it. Especially start from this year, realize and admit more about the importance of having a relationship with another human.



Abuse History


This is also one of the destructive habits abuse survivor developed since childhood.  We were so exhausted / drained by all the chaos and trauma at home. After going through all the emotional / psychological battles….today when we are adults, we become cherish more to peace, quiet or no non-sense life, e.g. gossips, conflicts etc.


Same, my abuse family taught me to self-nurture and solves problems by myself since very early age.   This lead me to grow up very fast, more resistant to other kids, but at the same time, we lost the tendency to ask for help / support from others.  When our biological family betrays us, this disrupts all our beliefs and trust that others can rely on.


No doubt we become very independent but also dive into the dangerous zone : “ALONE” mode forever.



Lost the ability to Relate


Combining with inborn personalities and after birth life history.  This actually destroys my abilities to communicate with others. I found myself having difficulties to connect with others comfortably.  Many of the times, either I feel exhausted / impatience or lack of motivation to connect.


The longer history of feeling comfortable to being ALONE actually destroys my willingness to connect. This is not a good sign and I consciously want to change this inhuman ability since this year.  More self-improvament work need to be done.


Maybe, there are other survivors having similar struggles like me.  They are misunderstood by others for the whole life, which in fact they hungry for love, care and acceptance.  We just need more time than other normal people.


However, who else will stay so long, be patience to understand us, before we are judged?




Final Thoughts



Whenever I look around in networking environments, kept on asking myself ….. am I look alike these seem unapproachable people?


Deep down I know myself NOT, but may be the long established mode made me look-alike  them for protecting myself being hurt again.


Encourage you to check on yourself, maybe you also project your inner fear / insecure to the public world? Is it the reason to explain why we always attract wrong people to us?  They think we are the same group of people but in fact we belong to another group of people who misundertsand us?


Remember there’s a saying : if we want to have a certain type of partner / friend, we must become their type first.


What do you think? Are you react to the world exactly what you meant inside? Or you always give the wrong message to others? How do you feel about my findings?  Welcome for your comments.




Image Credit : Unsplash – Tamara Bellis








5 thoughts on “Abuse survivor, are you pushing people away?”

  1. I’ve implemented my husband’s theory of keeping people in the yellow. Green light, go, yellow light, hesitate, red light stop. Instead of immediately trusting in the green which I used todo, which got me very harmed, I then turned directly into the red. Trusted no one. My husband helped me with this term keeping them in the yellow. I’m not saying “you’re in”and I’m not saying” you’re out” I’m keeping them at a safe distance while learning who they are and if I can trust them in my inner circle. But more on what you said about being alone. I do love my time alone and I have learned to love it n a healthy way, not a running away kind of way. This was an awesome post. Got me thinking. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bethanyk, your husband seems intelligent enough to guide you get rid of the fear. this is a good starts for anyone who scare relationships. same here, i do love my time alone since i’m an introvert and get tired easier when spend too much time with too many people. but i sense my habit of running away and pushing people who’s nice to me away. i can’t control and always feel regret and sorry for those who was mistreated by me. i need to face my fear and reason i wrote this blog is sharing my thoughts so others will be be frustrated if their love one, etc. make them feel confused. thanks for your comment behtanyk, have a nice day!


  2. So super intelligent, fascinating and perceptive. Yes, I do push people away…until I feel safe with them. And I do become easily exhausted, and readily impatient. Just get to the point people and stop the preamble, run around, and extraneous bull.
    I used to try to escape the alone-ness at home, going out somewhere, anywhere, usually going shopping. Now I am drawn to solitude and love being home, though still enjoy outings.
    I do think putting myself out in a group is valuable which is why I joined chorale again, but feel so tired at night I’ve already missed two practices. Oh, well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your complement grace, i have similar feelings and behaviors as like as you. Though i do enjoy alone time since i’m kind of introvert and love to enjoy my own time to recharge. but there were times i doubt myself and understand my destructive behavior can destroy my relationships with others. that’s why i’m conscious to learn and try to push myself out of my comfort zone. comparing to 1-2 years ago, i am improving at least this blog helps me to speak up and share my own feelings more, in which i never share for years. i am learning and thanks for your comment grace

      Liked by 1 person

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