If you don’t believe in yourself, Why should anyone else?
Again, quit my job after 8 months service, Friday is my last day. Over years, worked with many people / bosses in various industries / companies. Differently, this time having much clarity and determined : feeling it might be the last employment in my life.
Thought about being my own boss long time ago but never take it serious. As an abuse survivor from dysfunctional family, many self-doubts / fears piled up since young. It took me years to accept, unlearn, relearn to bounce back for my own life.
Independent. Motivated. Organized
Yes, I am. Strangely enough when people don’t know me much, this is the outer image I usually gave others. I have difficulties to share my deepen hurts / wounds with others not only because I’m not get used to, but also feel shame to admit that I was not beloved by my family. It’s extremely difficult to find people who share similar background / experience with me, everyone seems so normal.
When I’m OK, I know I can conquer many challenges so I’m always the one who got higher salary raise and promotion frequently. I can be a great staff if put in the right hands of the right people. I’m loyal, hardworking and diligent.
My present boss persuade me to manage corporate account and grow her business, tried to re-negotiate salary but failed. Same thought bumped me again : why I’m willing to work my ass off to help others to build their dreams / help them to get rich? But not brave enough to put the same amount of effort to build my own castle?
Years of working experience let me worked with many so-called professionals / high-ranked businessman, but many of them are just a myth / joke when you get closer. I lost faith for so-called successful people, many of them are liars / narcissists / fakers. Until recent years come across some entrepreneurs who can doing business while earning respects. This open my eyes and inspire me ….may be I can do the same.
My boss drives me crazy from time to time : childish, dependent, emotional unstable, bad personality and surprisingly running a 12 years+ business without any sense of business / marketing / operation. She simply a copycat…..copy what others doing so manage to earn money without much effort.
Also, she continuously steal my ideas as if her thought, betray me or sell me out when she want to escape from her faults / responsibilities. The longer I report to her, the more I feel exhausted and start to realize how stupid I am to accept her taking advantage from me?
Abuse survivors tend to let others step over, take advantage of us without our permission. We don’t know how to say “No” or stand up for ourselves, until our self-esteem / self-confidence finally built up.
Uncertainty is a biggest fear
Like many abuse survivors, we hate / feel uncomfortable for uncertainty. Grew up from toxic family already dealt with many dramas daily, didn’t know what happened next minute – seems like we can’t control our lives.
In such, abused survivor tend to waste a lot of time on self-doubt and fear uncertainty. If you are experience similar things like me, as now, I’m more well-grounded than before so can give you some advice : take your time to heal, don’t step too behind the game. Then one day……when you are ready, you will evolve and fly.
I wish I can understand this wisdom years ago.
Choose your cycle carefully
Again, it took me years to understand this philosophy. In the past, I surrounded myself with wrong / abusive / toxic people. This further drag me down to the lowest point. If you want to move forward / upward, you need to surround yourself with those who are way better than you. Only they have the power / knowledge / spirit that you need to lift yourselves up.
My habit originally stemmed from self-doubt / lack of self-worth / self-confidence etc. I didn’t value myself much since I was humiliated / bullied / abuse at home. Always the scapegoat who take all blames and being scold. Because of my self-hatred, I’m afraid to hang around with normal / confident / successful people, instead, bunch of toxic people or those who really don’t do any good to my self-growth.
“Who do you spend the most time with? ” …. Nowadays, I am more conscious of my choice because I finally realize the huge effect people have on me. Got stuck at job, feeling not fit well in company culture. I’m happy for myself manage to distinguish what’s best and worse for myself. But at the same time I feel extremely lonely at work, feel extremely worse after chatting / spend time with my colleagues. The environment just don’t fit me well.
Now, I’m more interested / determine to become the type of people I want to become.
Starting a business helping others
I’m not a saint. But somehow I always find myself dive into charity activities. Guess it’s because my abusive background, this make me much easier to feel the hurt / pain of others. My healing journey is lonely and rough but I did gain a lot of wisdom / courage from others, who inspire and give me hands when I need.
This make me always thinking….one day if I have the opportunity to start my own thing, I want to combine business with helping others’ needs. In such, I feel more meaningful of my life. I want to leave something behind when I die.
Though it’s still earlier to say so, but I know as long as I stuck at a 9-6 paid job, I can never fulfill my dream, but always put others’ priority first.
As an amateur, I can foresee there will have many challenges ahead. But I do have much clarify about my value / career path and willing to work much harder to do something that align with my core value. The future is scary but I own more courage / wisdom now.
Hopefully, this series of “Be my own boss” not only journal my start-up journey, but also attract more like-minded people, so we can stay accountable, support and learn from each other.
If you are not interested in starting your own business, it’s still OK. It doesn’t mean everyone in the world need to be the boss, but as long as you trust your value, stop making excuses and always believing in yourselves, I know you can be success in any aspect of life.
Image credit : Pixbay