Psychology # 43 : Dismissive – Avoidant

 

 

For many abuse survivors, the urge to have love / attention is so severe, since this is what they are lack of when they grew up in dysfunctional family.

 

This can lead to another cycle of trauma if we are not be careful of our relationship pattern.

 

From time to time I met people who jump from this to that relationship non-stop, they seem enjoy very much for the FAKE attention, but seldom see they are deeply connected to anyone.

 

At the end of the day, they are staring at the wall alone and die empty inside. It’s sad.

 

You know someone owns this attribute? How do you feel about their inner conflicts?

Psychology # 30 : Rationalization

 

This is a common pattern for not only abusers, but also general public.

 

Made me frustrated / Sad when I noticed people rationalize things that go wrong or obviously problematic.

 

For example, when somebody was abused, outsiders may rationalize the things as “Oh, he has a tough day / job so he just unable to control.  At the end, he is the human right?” BS!

 

Or when I heard people try to cover up their friends / partners / love one for crime / mistakes, they tend to rationalize the situation, downgrade the damage that brings up and try their best to make excuse for their wrong behavior.

 

Came up to me about Michael Jackson’s case, many people just adore him so much and choose to rationalize his story, though there are so many evidences exists.

 

Do you agree?

Psychology # 29 : Self-Serving Bias

 

 

I used to have this kind of attribution years ago, but since I approached and learned from this bias, I start to be more conscious about my decision / judgement.

 

It’s not a big weakness but if we don’t be conscious about human nature, we may end up making wrong decision, hanging around with wrong people that lead us to an fulfilling life.

 

How about you? Do you have this habit too?

 

 

Psychology # 26 : Denial

 

 

Um…I would say this is very common around us.

 

The most common I found is when people refuse to be judged about their lovers / partners / husbands etc., they tend to deny the truth even though the symptoms / signs are obviously appear in front of them.

 

E.g. Wives will deny and make excuse for their husbands’ betray.

 

The stronger Ego we own, the higher chance we use this coping mechanism.  The more confident we are, the less likely we use this method, because when we reach that point, we have already strong enough mentally / psychologically to admit our mistakes / weakness, without blindfold the problems.

 

Many times we can’t solve the problem is because we refuse to see the problems.  Abuse is one of them.  People deny it happens so they never willing to handle it.

 

Do you use this defense mechanism very often?  How do you deal with failure or uncomfortable situation?

Afraid of Aging? Learn How to live passionately

 

 

Are you afraid of aging? I do. Though not as conscious as many other women, but I do and anxious when I find winkles, or other little signs of aging.

 

Since I’ve already lost many years dealing with abuse aftermath issues, plus years unlearn, re-learn skills for healing.  I consider myself kind of more conscious about the time I have left on earth.

 

Watch a short video, inspiring and made me feel a bit relax.

 

 

 

 

 

Final Thoughts

 

Hope one day when I reach her age, if lucky enough, I will have such a relief and wisdom like her.

 

I admire her wisdom, sense of humor especially her relaxed attitude.  It’s always easy said than done, how many of us can really take “aging” so humble?

 

How about you? How do you feel about aging? Are you afraid or you feel very comfortable to see winkles / gray hairs ?

 

Please share your comments below.

 

 

 

 

Photo credit :  Pixabay – Futurials

Top 10 rules for success

 

Feed your Mind # 2

 

 

Chris Guillebeau is one of the “celebrity” blogger I’ve been followed for years.

 

His ways of thinking and approach of life is very unique and unconventional, which makes him stand out from crowd easily, his perspectives do open my minds a lot and add wisdom to my mental library.

 

Reason why I resonate with him : not only because I love travel so enjoy very much about his travel stories, but also his value.  In addition, show me an “introvert” can also live their dream life according to our wish.

 

Society tend to praise extrovert more and assume that successful / happy person must be extrovert / outgoing.

 

His book “$100 start up” and new one “Born for this – how to find the work you meant to do” do inspire people how to live a fulfilling life, no matter our age, race, limitation or obstacles etc.

 

We all have our dreams but there always an “excuse” to hold us back, e.g. don’t have enough money to start our business, Chris put successful stories he interviewed in the book “$100 start up”, then many of us hate our jobs and drag ourselves to workplace everyday, Chris wrote another book we have the choice to do what we love / what we meant to be.

 

The only limitation is “ourselves”.

 

I love and enjoy seeing people who make an impact while stay humble, generous to others.

 

 

 

 

Wrapping Up

 

I have difficulties to find mentor in real life, guess it’s because my “introvert” attribution and anxiety / shy that stem from  abusive history.

 

Feel insecure if people get too close to me, but I am always hungry for knowledge and wisdom so found many people I admire to follow from the net.

 

How about you? do you have any mentors that inspire you? Please share and let me know so I can learn from them too.

 

 

 

Photo credit : Unsplash – Seth Doyle

Uncomfortable Truth about Relationship

 

Feed Your Mind #1

 

Started this series, I know how difficult it is to survive and act normal after years of abuse. Our soul, spirits, self-esteem / self-confidence are all shattered to pieces on floor.

 

Of course it’s essential to educate public and break silence, many years ago people don’t feel alright to discuss AIDS, Homosexual etc.  But the more we share and discuss, taboos will soon become normal to be addressed.

 

But at the same time since we, adult survivors don’t have good model to guide us : what’s right and good for us, I strongly feel self-education is essential during the healing journey, please try to search and learn from as many as mentors you can locate, either from immediate environment (quite difficult for many of us because we tend to stay an arm distance from crowd to protect ourselves) or internet.

 

At the end, we can’t keep on complaining, feel sorry for our past and depressed all times, we got to be strong, stand up tall and pick up the brains from others, in order to fight for lives that we dream of.

 

Watched below interesting video, the author really caught my attention because he seems understand very much about relationships, especially for those who were abused from childhood or suffered from trauma.

 

Pin point relationship issues that we adult survivors go through in adult relationships and how we react to environment / surrounding people.

 

If you don’t understand or want to let others know how it feels as an adult survivor, this is a good video to share.  And if you are a survivor, it might enlighten your perspective.

 

Haven’t read the book yet (by Neil Strauss) but this short 11 minutes video already spoke our minds.  I felt connected to what he mentioned.  It’s hard to someone who know how you actually feel or struggles you going through.

 

Enjoy and let me know how you feel about his thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit : Pixabay – Prawny

BuckUp # 6 : What matters most in life?

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

Bumped into this video channel by accident.  At first, I thought topics are too serious but was amazed by it’s presentation.  It’s funny to watch animated cartoons as they try to present serious topics with a humor / funny / cutie approach.  This make audience easy to understand and not get bored while watching.

Video Sources : Prager University

What matters most in life?

Everyone is so busy.  I worked with so many professionals / successful business people but what I commonly found from their lives : they are not happy at all.  This always scare me and remind myself that I never want to have the same life.

What really that matters in life? money? fame? success? Many people spent whole life chasing something that not really matter to them, until one day they realized “oh, life is finished”.   Sadly people keep doing same thing over and over again because they don’t know how or afraid to change even when they notice this is not what they want for life.

Understanding Men and Women : why they see things differently

No secret that men and women are thinking differently.  But what surprised me is there still lots of people projecting their frame of thinking to other sex.  Many conflicts I observed from couples / lovers are originated from their inability of using a different sex-perspective in communicating with another half.

He wants you

Title is not well to explain the video, but this one is actually quite funny.  It explores how to deal with your lover / couple watching another women in public / beach.  Demonstration is funny and after watching this video, many women should be relieved, feel much better or no longer afraid when next time their men stare at other women.

The missing tile symptom

Many people tend to spot on missing elements in life, i.e. negative.  Some people just drive me crazy as they never stop to find mistakes / faults / flaws on things / people in daily life.  They nag and complain every time open mouths which make them look very ugly. (even if they put on lots of make up or dress nicely).

Not saying I’m completely positive, but I still can distinguish people who are just “emotion vampire”, drain you down and eat up all your energy.  This video teach us how to view things differently.

Happiness Equation

How to be happy? This is a never-ended discussed topic.  See if this equation help you to be more happy.

Change your life

If you are not happy with your current status, learn from video to change it.

So, what matters most in your life?

Are you jealous or feel uncomfortable when your men watching another women?

Are you always focus at bad side when things happen?

Image credit : Pixabay – Unsplash

5 Signs You’re Dating A Toxic Person (BuckUp # 5)

Don’t let negative / toxic people rent space in your head.

Raise the rent & kick them out ! – Robert Tew

Another day to feed our mind and soul.

Mathew Hussey is quite well-known to many people, especially women who look for advice about relationships.  I thought his advice are not only good for intimate relationships, but also good for self-development, self-growth, enhance self-image / self confidence etc., since he usually focus more on fixing our inner problems, by doing more self-reflection and self-examination.

I believe if we want to understand and communicate well with men, it’s always important to listen men’s perspective, instead of reading / absorbing information from other women or so-called professionals we found from magazines (though I still enjoy reading these stuffs but deep down realize we can never get men codes, understand the truth behind if not listening to men directly).

Video source : Matthew Hussey

5 Signs You’re Dating A Toxic Person

Many people not realizing they are dating someone who actually damage their self-image / self-esteem or other aspects of lives.  We may tend to settle for less because it’s so scary to date anyone who is out of our league.  End up wasting lots of youth / time on someone who just drag us down to drains, with or without our notice.

One Mindset For a Successful Life

Why there are people who can reach their full potential, live their dream life? But other people who seem got stuck from time to time? What are the mindset and secrets behind? what are differences between these 2 groups of people?

Get The Guy In 9 Foolproof Steps

It’s not a video telling you tricks / techniques to win a guy, but more on individuals’ internal work.  See how many steps you finished, if yes, check them out and congratulate to you; if not, don’t be disappointed, it’s not too late to unlearn the bad habits, relearn the new and good ones.

The Real Secret to Keeping Your Man

Many people forget to nurture relationships once they settle.  I can understand why couples / lovers fell apart after years because either one of them continuing growing, relationships become boring, stale or take it for granted.

THIS Gets Him Addicted to You Forever…

Why there are people – the longer you spend time with, the more you attract to them? But other people as soon as you get to know them, you lost all motivation / desire / attraction?  I believe chemistry things only last for months so it’s acceptable to not addicted to anyone as much as the first time we met, but it doesn’t mean we can do nothing to strengthen / consolidate any relationships, to make it more refresh, excited and hopefully move to a next higher level.

The Compliment He’s Dying To Hear

Many times I was annoyed / irritated by conversations that overheard in public restaurants / areas.  Some people still think it’s their responsibility to fix their partners, to change / mode them into the one they thought they should be, thus so many nagging, complaints, yelling along the way.  In psychology, we have to do 5 good things to smooth damages that bring from 1 complaints / bad experience.

Closing thoughts

I’m always envy / amazed by happy-together couples / lovers, they seem so compatible to each other without any efforts, or understand all secret codes of healthy relationships.

Truth is relationships need to be learned since there’s no official lesson at school, or even worse, if we don’t have good models in family, it might affect our relationships with others tremendously.

So what your thoughts on these tips? Have you ever aware their existence? or you are one of them who made similar mistakes?

Photo credit : Pixabay – Stokpic

BuckUp # 4 : How to deal with Toxic & Difficult people

Some people like clouds, when they disappear the day is brighter.

Video credit Source : Actualized.org

Kind of skeptical at the beginning, video settings and presenter not quite impressed me, in fact, a bit scare.  Don’t know why as it’s just personal feeling.  However, I push myself to step out of comfort zone, not being too judgmental as according to view counts, looks like he has something to say that benefit to audiences.

Surprised because people commonly create 2-5 minutes short videos but he absolutely ambitious beyond standard. Many of videos are well-worth to watch as they’re so intense / serious, make sense, combine with psychological theories.   Value of videos are similar to hundred dollars we usually pay in one-to-one course in the market.

How to deal with difficult and toxic people

The more I educated myself about toxic relationship, the more I realized there are actually many difficult / toxic people around us, e.g. narcissist, chronic downer, critic, etc. all can drag us down constantly or harm to our self-growth.  Unfortunately we can’t stay away from them always (family members, colleagues / bosses, etc.).  Learn how to deal with them is a life-long wisdom.  Or in reverse, learning how NOT-to-be a toxic people, so we can attract more positive people to our lives. “Like attract alike”.

How To Create Your Dream Career

I don’t know, are there anyone still have a dream career nowadays? I found many people drag themselves to work daily, unhappy, exhausted, back home to sleep, then another day, year…till end of life.  Many people I came across hate their jobs.  Me too.  Hope you are not one of them.

How To Stop Being Jealous

This is a good one. He loves to approach many topics based on psychology.  Jealous is not really related to another person, but our own-selves so many inner works need to be done.  I witness many people (sorry, mostly female) gossip, complain, bully, nag on their targets at work.  Most of the time, in my opinion targets didn’t do anything wrong (or do nothing actually), they were punished simply because abusers jealous of their beauty, talent, boyfriends’ status or whatsoever.

How To Stop Caring What People Think Of You

Living in society, inevitably we need to take some considerations of others’ comments / feelings.  But if we are Too concern what others think all the time, we can never live our lives according to own wishes / desires if only following the trend.

Low Self Esteem In Women

Self-esteem is a very important element for individual’s success in life / relationship / career.

How To Love Yourself

We can’t expect others love / care us until we love ourselves.

Closing thoughts

There’s no one-end solution for any problem.  Listen different perspectives from different angles can wider and open our eyes to tackle our weakness.

So have you ever deal with toxic people? Are you caring how others see you? Do you think you love yourself enough?

Photo credit :  Pixabay – Unsplash