Myths about Narcissists / Emotional abusers

Close the doors that cause you pain, anger and suffering, so you can open the ones that bring you love, acceptance and inner peace.

Sadly to say, I’m good at spotting narcissistic behaviors / emotional abusers.  I have a kind-hearted face (what people say), introvert and don’t like arguments so used to be quiet, without talking back even facing with injustice / quarrel.  This may give abusers / narcissists a great chance to spot as an easy target to kick at.

In early years, I was confused without a suitable term to describe.my experiences.  What irritates me a lot is all the myths people believe in.  These make me feel lonely and weird to others because of my different perspectives from majority of people.

Our lives can be very miserable if narcissists / emotional abusers and our society own these myths, especially if they are our boss / parents, or anyone who control our life at certain level.

Candid equals to Mean

It’s annoyed me whenever I heard comments about someone say / do something hurtful to others, will be sugar-coated as “well,he/she just straightforward”, “he/she just being honest”.  Holy Crap!  I never believe being honest / frank should throw away all fundamental politeness / respects.  I heard people who has bad temper is excused as being honest, no faking.  It means that anytime we feel angry we can murder someone? it’s simply a good personality because we are being true to ourselves?

This is just an excuse for abusers / narcissists to say / do whatever they like without any consideration of other human beings.  This is not honest, one who can’t control their tongues and behaviors is simply acting childish, selfish and self-center, he / she expects the world will forgive them endlessly.  Many abusers feel miserable about their own lives, fail to deal with so project their anger and frustration to others, with a pretty label “being true to themselves”.

Conscientious equals to Picky

No gender discrimination but it’s actually commonly found from female.  Some people check every unnecessary details because lack of confidence so always try to make things perfect to prove their self-worth.  These type of people don’t realize such habit can lead to procrastination or ruin relationship with others.

What annoyed me more are another types of people who can tolerant their own faults but pay 200% effort to discover others’ flaws.  They pick on others on purpose with a belief that the more mistakes they dig out represents their ability to handle the tasks better than others.  They use the wrong way to prove their power and confidence.

Hardworking equals to Workaholic

Working atmosphere getting sick.  People are highly praised for working 60 hours+ a week.  In my theory, life is like a pizza, which consists of different ingredients and slices : love, relationship, family, hobbies, friends etc.  Or it’s like a school record card, we got to have reasonable marks for every subject in order to get a good average marks of that semester.  We will get a “red” marks even if we have 100 marks for certain subject but fail for majority of other subjects.  Same as life, many people are very successful at work, but disaster at home or own relationship.

It’s always easy to focus on one specific thing – not as much as challenge to hit every category of life to get an average score of each.  There’s a saying never put all eggs in one basket, somebody put all their focus on a relationship or a career, without investing much in other aspects.  It’s very risky because when things goes wrong, life will be completely collapsed.  In fact, people who spend 80%+ of time at work are usually try to escape from something, probably a rotten relationship or boring life.  If your boss is narcissist and own this myth, we can never have our own lives outside work.

Narcissists / Emotional abusers have remorse

NO!  They don’t feel sorry for what they say / did to others.  They don’t have this ability.  In fact, most of the times they think they are victims.  Unfortunately, abused victims believe their abusers will have regret one day so they keep on forgiving and waiting forever.  I had similar thought at past as I thought those who abused me from family, school and workplace will regret and change.  But they never will, the more I step back, the more I suffer.

Outsiders can spot Narcissists / Abusers easily

According to my own experience, NO!  Many narcissists / abusers I come across are very successful, smart and generous to their followers / outsiders.  This is the perfect image they create to attract admirers.  Only when you become their target of abuse, then their masks will take off and you will see their true self behind the scene.   It’s a completely tough and lonely journey for victims because nobody will believe what he/say say about that person.  They see from different angles of that narcissists / abusers.  Many good husband / wife / friend / leaders can switch their faces completely to targeted victims.

Pretty / Successful people never a narcissist / emotional abuser

Many narcissists / emotional abusers will abuse verbally or emotionally to the one they found competitive.  It’s because they used to be classified as the success, pretty or intelligent one.   It’s difficult for them to handle the truth that there’s another person better than them.  The way they regain the power, reputation and status is to step over / downgrade others’ privilege.  I witness many brutal and ugly process.

What if you are abused ? 

You are not alone.  Heads up, stay strong.  I can understand how lonely it can be as I am an abused survivor too.  Tough to speak up, not only the shame we carry but also it’s difficult to find outsiders to believe the truth we see.

What if your friend or loved one is abused ? 

Please trust and support him / her.  You may not believe what you have heard because that person he / she describe can be very different from your experiences.  Of course there are people who are over-reacted and usually misinterpret other intentions as attack behaviors.  However, please use your judgment, if he/she doesn’t has the habit to generalize people’s attitude, you may need to re-evaluate the situation.  Because you are not the target so you will never understand the injustice they are experiencing.  Narcissists / Abusers are very tactful to abuse others without leaving any footprints.

What if you are narcissists / emotional abusers ?

Get a life!  Upgrade and work on your self-esteem issues.  Other people failed doesn’t mean you’re succeed.  To hurt and step over others to prove your confidence / power is a very low -level tactic.

Final Thoughts

I’m weird because of my unconventional perspectives of many life topics.  That’s why I do feel lonely and hopeless from time to time, not only because not too many understand me, but some will use these as their excuse to bad mouth / talk behind me or simply bully me verbally or emotionally.  But what’s the point to live a life with full of lies and myths anyway?

Photo credit : Unsplash – Joshua Earle

Trapped again with Toxic / Narcissistic people

Narcissist – a more polite term for a self-serving, manipulative, evil asshole with no soul

Why again?

Once again, I was trapped with toxic bosses in toxic environment.  Can’t remember how many offices I encounter over the past 2 years.  It seemed that I’m very attracted to emotional vampires.  Never believe there’s a perfect job so I have already put my standards down and be humble, grateful for any job offers I accepted.  But don’t know if it’s because my expectation too low or if there’s any signs I gave to the world that I am an easy target for abuse.

Last 2 years, I worked with more than 6 female bosses and they simply drive me crazy.  I’m terrify to go to work everyday, not because of the work load but the emotional torture in the environment.  My unhappiness level is getting lower gradually according to the duration I spend at work.  The job I got a week ago, for example, the female boss makes my stress level raised to the top easily.

Blame + Nagging + Critize + Complain – nonstop

Female is good at taking care of details.  It’s a good nature but if cross the line, detailed oriented can become fussy, annoying and unnecessary perfectionism.  The boss I am working with now is picking every LITTLE detail.  Her post is Director but it’s funny that she spent every moment to go through everyone’s duties, to check and pick up mistakes.  I would say it’s necessary to be careful but the way she check is becoming OCD already.

End up we are so afraid to hear her voice because every time she speaks, there’s something wrong and we can’t finish our work properly because there are many unnecessary correction and back and fourth counter check, unnecessary listings and so-called systematic procedures.  She is the one who always complain this and that, how busy she is but she never understand the way she approach the work and world make everyone surrounding her feel miserable.

It’s annoying to see her but there’s no escape because she just sit next to me.  She will sit next to you and guide you step by step like a kid for what not to do and what to do.  Not only she can’t finish her own duties but distract our work continuously every 5 minutes.

Now I can understand no matter how pretty you are, the way you treat others and how you talk/behave do affect your image/appearance a lot.  She is a pretty lady, IF SHE CAN SHUT UP.  Once she opens her mouth, the world around her is collapsed and she looks extremely ugly.  Nobody will feel the one who is mean, harsh and judgmental is attractive.  That’s remind me not behaving the same as I witness how ugly she is, not the physical but her soul.

Evil intention

At first, I just feel it’s coincidence, then I noted the evil act behind scene.  Many cases she knew I was do something but without teaching / guiding me how to carry out the duties properly. Then when I finished she will act as a professional and being sarcastic to humiliating me during the mentoring.  She is my boss of course I will not saying anything but deep down I had hard feeling and think why she told me the situations at the first place? Why she will smile when she found my mistakes? That’s annoying and make me disrespect her personality more.

She did these with purpose, not only set a trap for me to jump in, but always pick on me for every WORD, SENTENCE I report, she try very hard to pick up any casual words I say which end up feel extremely nervous to speak to her. No mental healthy person will spot and analyse every word the other person say and ready to attack that minor slip of the tongue.  It’s unnatural and I can feel her attempt to spot any potential mistake I make, in order to yell and blame me at any chance.

Despise and teasing

I believe everyone do have their own talent.  But my boss pay 100% attention on my conversation with others so whenever she spot something I don’t understand / manage or any topic I never approach.  She will start to despise me verbally and non-verbally.  Teasing me how dare I don’t know this kind of knowledge, etc.

There’s a saying that “Nobody will kick the non-bark dog”, I understand if there’s anyone who love to pick on someone, or enjoy to step over her/his face, it means something trigger that person’s own self-esteem.  Know is know, but to deal with this non-stop picking is tough. I strongly feel she try very hard to hurt my self-worth and ability.  It’s suck when someone spot you as a target to pick on.

Final thoughts

If similar situations happened a year ago, I will swallow everything by myself, lock myself up to cry and feeling miserable about myself.  But since I read and absorb tons of information from online / offline sources, I start to realize I deserve better and learn to make a choice to stay away from emotional vampires or any toxic environments that suck my soul and energy out.  I start to select people who can make me become better, happier and stronger.

This is the reason I getting more picky nowadays, when I see the situation doesn’t seem right to my life, I chose to leave without too much hesitation (though I re-think this case seriously as I love the job nature, salary and benefits etc.).  Because I know there’s no point for me to waste time in the place that can’t help me to grow and learn.  In recent situations, I kept on mumbled to myself that “I deserve to have a better job, better partner or any healthy relationship that nourish my self-help path.

I witness many co-workers they complain the environment continuously but never take better action, for example, to improve their skills and knowledge so can leave the job they hate, end up waste 40 years at the same unhappy job until they retire with remorse and unhappiness.  I don’t want to go through the same path.  I want to control the environment instead of just leading by it numbness, then one day when I look back I found myself no longer live with passion anymore.

I will resign from my job tomorrow, and will keep on trying to pick the suitable job that make me feel worthy and have positive impacts to myself.  Life is too short to get stuck in toxic environment.  In this year, I am more alert to surround myself with good people because I start to realize how big impact it added value to my life.  I was stuck in unhealthy environment for long and waste a lot of time previously.  Noways, though still a long way to work on but learn to head up and stay strong.

Photo credit : Pixabay

I’m attracted to psychopathic bosses

 The root of all evil is abuse of power – Patricia Cornwell

I know there are many talented applicants in the market so never consider myself as the “super-class” / irreplaceable employee.  But after work with numerous people who work at similar positions as I have, I really have confident to rate myself as a valuable staff and can make positive contribution to many companies.  People who take senior positions or earning high salary simply because they stay at same position very long.

Where are good / reasonable boss?

Got few job offers lately but sadly I was either kicked out or make my own decision to quit.   From time to time, I doubt if I expect too much.  Not mentioning the job responsibilities or never ended working hours, many bosses I reported to were narcissism or even can be classified as psychopath.  I always feel it’s easy to deal with daily routines than handling all sorts of abusive/non-sense/BS and offensive behaviors.  I hate to say this but it looks like people are not as kind/considerate as it used to be.  Not expecting a saint, but it’s kind of difficult to find a reasonable or someone I do respect to work with nowadays.  It seems that not too many bosses understand the way they treat their staffs, will end up lead them to success / failure.

For example, the one I just quit last week : She is a mean and old woman, with terrible personality that make over 50 staffs resigned from the company for the last year.  I was alerted when I knew over 20 staffs were taking my position, not sure what happened or the truth, but once I start to work with her, I noticed her abusive/narcissistic behaviors.  Totally a torture!  She kept on complaining this and that, e.g. wondering why she can’t good staff.  Seems that she never reflect herself from the past as she is the one who should blamed for.

Glad I do have some knowledge of psychopaths/narcissistic absorbed via numerous blogs/articles/podcasts over years due to my abused family background.  The moment I met this old lady boss, I knew somethings wrong but not sure how to address in words.  During the whole interview, she spent 90% of the time to complain/black-mouth her staffs, how bad and stupid they are, lack of responsibilities etc. etc.  At the surface, she acted politely, nicely and reasonably so I guess her explanations has points, until I worked with her.

Being Mean

She is not a bad person I assume, who proudly claim herself as christian.  But according to my experience in just 4 days :  I witness how she re-act extremely sensitive to very small stuffs, always scream, scold and humiliate staff for minor mistakes, or even there are many times it’s not the fault of staffs, but she simply look for a target to scold at.  She never use foul language but her speech is so hash/sarcastic/rude, verbally abuse us so we no longer feel motivated to perform well.  We learned to keep quiet, stay alert like walking on the eggshell all the times.

Gossip Queen

Another huge flaw of her is love to talk bad behind people.   First of all, from 9:00-7:00 everyday, she seems never feel happy for anything or anyone.  Anything happen will become a tragedy in her eyes;  anyone who stand in front of her or raise up any ideas/opinions will become her target to scold with.  Then she loves to gossip person A in front of person B, then gossip person B in front of person A.  Her habit confused me a lot as I don’t know when is she telling the truth or if she can be trusted.  The one who talk people bad in front of me, I can guarantee she/he will do the same in front of others about me.  That scare me!

I started to feel headache whenever I met her as she is the one who always interrupt my work for non-sense critics/judgments about others.  This attitude also create many mistrust among colleagues because we never know who will betray who, in order to gain the attention/benefit from the boss.

Look at me, I’m so Great!

She also an arrogant/selfish person.  Always disturb us from routines to hear her success/greatness : e.g. how she never as a staff because the first day she walk in the market is boss already; how her company/reputation is so famous that attracted so many big brands; how she never wear the same cloth everyday, how success / high educated of her friends are, etc. etc. bragging and bragging….. I was so tired of hearing her boast.

Useless meetings

She loves meetings!! What major points to be discussed is basically how bad for a staff (scapegoat) at certain situation..  That’s my second day at work so I just sat quietly and nodes occasionally without inputs.  Whole situation is extremely unprofessional and waste of time/resources.  We can actually work effectively with this 2 hours’ waste.  This pattern is common and used to have TWO meetings every week because she loves to share her FEELINGS and non-sense opinions from time to time.  That’s the reason for our overtime work.

And because of her big ego, she never admit her own mistakes.  I never want to finger point any wrong doers but it’s exhausted to deal with blames that was not belongs to myself all the times.   That’s suck!

What I learned

If I want to succeed, I need to surround myself with people I admire and the environment must be align with my goal.  I must be humble, willing to listen others’ opinions so I can improve continuously.

I found my self-esteem is actually improving.  If all these happening 5 years ago, I will simply accept my situation and don’t know how to get out of the trap.  Not saying I reach the best but at least I acknowledge the problem and give myself other choice.  I am more conscious nowadays to set health boundaries and choose my environment.  There’s a saying “We are the average of 5 people we hang around with”.

Photo credit : Unsplash – by Rayi Christian Wicaksono