Psychology # 6 – Dissociation


Symptoms on me was not that obvious, I guess.  Whenever I heard or read stories from other survivors, they seem suffering from this in a much obvious way.


When people discuss / bring out their abusive history, they seem forget everything or deny what’s happening to them.  Or make it like….there’s no problem at all. this is how life suppose to be.


In my case, I’m kind of unattached to the chaos / trauma, numbed and learned not to attach to people / events.  It’s just too painful / hurtful!


I used to cry myself out for the whole night, depressed and wandering around the street with an empty heart and soul.  Just can’t figure out what’s going on and what’s wrong with me.


Very soon, I learned to “dissociate” from toxic environment or dysfunctional attribute, as this is how I survive.


How about you?

Quote of the day # 12 : Strength

I measure myself in strength,

not pounds, sometimes in smiles

– Laurie Halse Anderson


From time to time, I’m frustrated at how much time / money people spend in fixing their outer appearance.  People are so afraid to be judged according to their physical attribution.


I have no problem to see if someone who cares the look and dress nice, but simply because these make them feel worthy and a sign of self-love, not because assume once they change this and that, people will love or respect them more.


It’s not, I’ve met so many so-called gorgeous / beautiful people, but you just can’t get along with them after you know their characters / personalities.  You just don’t want to spend 5 minutes more with them because their energy just drag you down.


I strongly feel inner beauty is the most incompatible quality that make you attract others.


So, How do you define yourself?


Image credit : Pixabay – PublicDomainPicture

Psychology # 5 – Narcissism


The more I educated myself, the more I realized I actually attract many narcissists into my life.  Guess it’s because I used to have a very low self-esteem and no ideas about healthy boundaries.


Hope many people will understand this personality disorder as early as possible.  It took me years to figure things out and start my healing journey.


How about you? Have you ever meet someone consist of this character?  How do you deal with them?

Freedom – Gold nuggets for entrepreneur


I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery – Thomas Jefferson



My Facebook account is extremely secret and highly personal.  But “you may know this person” notification caught my attention yesterday – a workaholic / devoted top executive who earned lots of money at a well-known international corporate.


Not a stalker, but my curiosity lead me to browse their timeline quickly…..They look different, especially the one who’s used to serious about his career, now he is brave enough to quit his high-pay & professional job, no need to care about hair dying so look a bit old (all white hair) than I met him 3 years ago.


What made him so different? I asked myself…..Oh, yeah….he looked happier, funnier and relax, can see the youth rise up from his spirit, he seems so happy, free and having great fun while travelling around the world now.  Though we no longer kept contact for long but I’m so honestly happy to see his happiness from photos / messages he share.



Freedom is stem from heart, not physically



It’s 5am now and I’m writing this blog.   Wow…it’s been 10 months+ since the last time I posted.  Time fly SO FAST!  I was exhausted and tied up with stress / tasks to follow up…. this and that from work and life.


Almost a week since I quit – mentally so FREE.  In the past, of course even had career break from time to time, now I acknowledge it’s might be an excuse for me to escape from “being stuck”.  Deep down I knew sooner or later I would back to work market.


Now, the feeling is very different.  I’m also very busy to plan / learn and organize like working at office from early morning to late night.


I no longer feel motivated to stuck at work cubicle, even though I knew there will have no problems for me to work at such a non-fulfilling position forever.


Recent year, I kept on asking myself : is it what I really want? what if I step out my comfort zone? what’s the worst scenario?


Sum Up


When I looked at my ex-boss, kept on asking myself : am I willing to become that person or having the same life like her? Answer : No.  What if tomorrow or in 3 months I will die, is it the life I want to end? Answer : No.



How about you? Have you ever X-Ray your life having now? Is it what you hungry for? Are you happy with what you have right now? Touch wood if you know you only have 3 months left, are you willing to do something different?




Photo credit : Pixabay – Stevebidmead

3 Common habits you can find from Abused Survivors


You can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood.



Guess not many people is well qualified like me to write this post.



Don’t care about Physical Appearance


I was there.  I gave up my appearance by dressing so sloppy, wore big baggy clothes all time.  It’s one the defense mechanism we, especially for sexually abused survivors from early age.


We were so scare to be noticed or center of attention.  We lost control of our body, abusers stare at our body sexually without our permission, or touched / kissed us while we felt extremely uncomfortable.


I piled up all the shame, guilt and self-blame inside.  The most safety thing I can do / control / protect myself was wearing large-size clothes, messy appearance. In such, we avoid evil attention.  This works!  Sadly, at the same time  I self-sabotage myself.  Not only make abuser lost interest on us but also all other people at our environments.



Surround with people who treat us wrong


Adults who grew up from dysfunctional family never learn how to treat others or to be treated in the right and proper way.  There were no models to be followed.  We thought this is how the world is running and how parents suppose to treat their kids or what kids are supposed to do : OBEY!


Then when we are adult, we have hard time to establish / maintain healthy relationship with others. Deep down our self-esteem / self-belief / self-confidence is so low so we unconsciously believe that we are “damage” products and not deserved to be loved / treated nicely and respectfully.


Because we look into ourselves in this way, this is also how we project to the world. Eventually, we attract same level of people or others, e.g. narcissists / controllers / abusers who spot our weakness.  This become a downward spiral : the more we surround ourselves with wrong people, the worst we make life decisions.


My life was kind of foggy until I started to meet nice fellows.  Doesn’t mean I’m be friends with them (still scare of too close) but I started to observe people I admire : how they think and handle emotions and struggles, etc.  Started to realize if I want myself to have a smilar life, or become this person – I should learn from what they are doing RIGHT.



Eat. Eat and Eat.


Of course it’s not the 100% formula.  But since I was there so totally understand how abused survivors / anyone going through emotional turmoils tend to stuff ourselves with food, lots of foods. We treat food not nurturing but a method to ease our emotions.   Many psychologists mentioned since we feel lives are out of control, this is the only thing we can control : i.e. EAT.


I was 100+ overweight years ago.  Until I told myself enough was enough, if I don’t care or love myself, how can I expect others will? So I changed.  Now every time when I saw someone who’s extremely overweight – not in a healthy way, I feel sad because I kind of feeling this person may experience something in his / her life.  Trust me, I know how it feels when you are stuck in life and there seems no hope.  Food is the easy way to escape from reality.




Wrapping Up


It’s extremely difficult for people who never gone through similar trauma to understand the truth behind fully.  That’s why it’s so difficult for abuse survivors to heal because along the journey we don’t have enough support or sometimes were misjudged / misunderstood.


Do you feel the same way? or you spot someone you know have similar symptoms? This may be the signal they cry for help from within.


You may ask / judge why he /she behave this and that? Answer is they have no choice because they never learn the right way to make the right decision, or handle chaos.


Some people are lucky enough to learn in a fast path, probably they meet a mentor or experience some life changing moments, but many are learn from a hard and long path.




Photo credit : Unsplash –  Leonardo Wong

Entrepreneur make every minute counts



You can always make more money, but cannot make more time.



When I was an employee, be honest I did wander here and there, bits by bits of time during work, chit chat, wandering around, not serious as I basically a hardworking and devoted staff.  But simply feel it’s the time of my company / employer and I didn’t owe it. So if I’m not doing something valuable to the company, well….it’s their lost.


But since I start my “be my own boss” journey.  I never ever be so conscious of my time like in the past.  Because now it’s actually my time.  If I waste it on something useless, e.g. day dream, watching TV,at the same time I lost the time to build up my business or developing myself.


When I was employed, I felt tired after or even in the middle at work, but now I am building something for my own, though still feel tired but I’m more willing to suffer, squeeze every minute to make the most of my limited time everyday.  Though I’m still exhausted every night but deep down I’m fulfilled because now I own everything : time, ideas, results.



Sum Up


Not only for entrepreneur, but everybody, the older we are – the more alert we have about time.


My situation is much complicated, also as a abused survivor, my childhood was stolen, filled with foggy / sad memories.  After that, it took me years to figure out what’s happened and heal the wounds.  Sometimes, I’m frustrated for all those unconscious years I lost and trapped.  Wish I can wake up much earlier to earn my life back.


Invest your time wisely!  Don’t waste your precious life on something that not meaningful to you, or not align with your core value.


I know it’s easier said than done.  But try not to care what others think about you,simply take back the control of your life.


Try your best to use your time that can benefit to your own good.  Life is short. Every minute counts. You can never take back the minute that just pasted.



Photo credit : Pixabay

You spend all your energies to build others’ dreams?


Life is Short!  Many people know it but seldom we conscious of how we spend every minute of our lives.


I regret totally!


As a hard working, diligent employee.  Sadly to mention after worked my ass off for 8 months+ at my last job, the thought of “wasting my life” came to my mind often in recent days.


This is the life of employment.  No matter how hard we work, we are using all our energies / lives / wisdom to help someone to build his / her wealth / kingdom / lives and dreams.  It never is my own assets / pride.


Now I finally realize it’s suck to have a feeling that I owe nothing after years of employment.  Of course I did earn lots of experiences / skills and enough money to survive, but is it what I want for my lives?


Sum Up


If you are contented with what you are doing now at work.  It’s wonderful!  But if you back home every night after a long tired work day, feeling empty inside and wondering if this is the life you want….well, you better take a serious reality check for yourself.


Life is short.  Yesterday watched a nice youtube video How to make more than a harvard MBA – the happiness equation by Neil Pasricha, totally agreed the philosophy : many people happy for what they earn according to monthly pay-check, but when we count it according to hourly rate, many of us are actually underpaid.  There are many hidden overtime / afterwork follow ups.


Many of my ex-colleagues / ex-bosses shocked when they found I’m not willing to work overtime.  I was judged as lazy or not devoted.  It’s very weird and out of the norm especially my culture is always appreciate those who put work at first life priority.


It’s difficult for me to explain my understanding of paycheck.  I care and respect my expertise / skills / experience, so never want to do any work for free or extremely underpaid.  Sorry.


So are you building other people’s dreams?



Photo credit : Pixabay



Quote of the day # 13 : Wound



The wound is the place where the light enters you. – Rumi



Hope the light enters your life whenever you’re stuck in a dark place.


There were times I can’t see the lights, I was devastated, lost of hope and didn’t know how to handle the situation.  But then eventually I saw the light in the tunnel.


It’s not easy! but we survive.



Image credit : Pixabay – AlexVan

3 Signs that you are Entrepreneur


The True Entrepreneur is a Doer, not a Dreamer – Nolan Bushnell



Well…I know it’s kind of weird to write blogs about business / entrepreneur here.  I have been thinking about to separate this series in a different blog, but eventually would like to make it happen it.


Because I want people get to know me as a whole person, there are ups and downs, abusive background but at the same time I would like to make my life become better, no matter what happened to me in the past and the challenges I am having from time to time, due to the self-limiting beliefs and other self-sabotage habits that I gained / learned since young.


Start a 100 Day challenge of Start-up Entrepreneur for myself, would like to jot down my whole start-up journey.  This make me stay alive and alert about the process.



For long, I have never think about to be my own boss, but the longer I work the stronger feeling I have….I might the type of person who is “unemployable”.



Sign 1 : You are Independent


I am very independent.  Guess it’s because the abusive / dysfunctional family background, this make me learn to survive by my own since early age.  I learned to take care of myself without much support from family members.  This is one of the reason I pick up reading since young because there are so many things that I don’t know and how to manage.


No joking, I even went to library to grab all the well-known / famous books relating to parenting and how to raise a successful / confident kids etc.  I dived into the books not only because this is one of the ways I can shut myself down, stay away from troubles, but also I was hungry to learn how to become a better person even though I didn’t have a supportive/normal parents.


This independence make many bosses found challenges to work with me.   Those who are open-minded and flexible are fine with me, but whenever I worked with bosses who are close-minded, fixed, control and micro-management etc.  They just hate me and put me in great troubles.



Sign 2 – You are Rebellious


No doubt I’m having troubles to trust and have close relationship with others.  But I am not naive, over the years, I worked with many smart persons and explore the world quite a bit, books / podcasts / seminars etc. do change my perspectives greatly from time to time.


When I was young, I rely on family and parents, but I think deep down I’m a rebellious person, hate to follow orders or conform to BS / non-sense, especially if I found it’s not align with my beliefs or understandings.


I challenge authorities continuously.  This again make those who are manipulated or know-it-all personalities go crazy when they found that I don’t buy their BS.



Sign 3 – You are evolving continuously


If you are the type of person who feel extremely comfortable to stay in the comfort zone. Then you will doing fine at many of the jobs.  But if you are like me, always hungry to learn and discover more, strive to become better day by day.  Then sooner or later, you will feel boring and lack of fulfillment at work.


Unless you are working at creative industry, which require changes frequently, otherwise majority of business / industry may drag you down after you service a period of time.


Because of your drive / motivation to grow, you are no longer as the same person you were when the 1st day you join the company.  You keep on evolving and when the company / position stay at the same dynamic.  This will drive you nuts.  You no longer feel exciting to go to work every day because you found yourself keep on repeating the same old thing day by day.



Sum Up


I’m not saying that it’s bad to work with others, but I do eventually discover that there are certain types of people just “unemployable”.  They are doing terrible to report to others but doing great when they manage their lives and be their own boss.


If you are happy with what you are doing now.  Good for you!  But if you found 3 above-mentioned symptoms, you may better sit down and have a honest check for yourselves.


I learned it a tough way, many conflicts and unhappiness at work, job-hopping from time to time, there were times I blame myself for being not tolerant with the situation like others, what’s wrong with me? But now I start to realize it’s not the job / situation, but probably because of my own characters.


It’s probably happen to many other abuse survivor, we have many self-doubts for ourselves, we don’t believe we can actually make things happen.  So many of us choose to follow the norm and accept all the chaos throw to us.  Until one day, we finally feel…this is it, enough is enough.  Time to take charge of our own lives.




Photo credit : Pixabay







2 Typical relationship styles of Childhood Trauma survivors


Being able to survive, doesn’t mean it was ever OK.



I was sad. Though not devastated, but again I felt frustrated / sorry for myself.


It’s been 8+ months of my just-quit job, uncomfortable whenever I found colleagues manage to social well, have better relationship with other instructors / students / co-workers.


I’m not a bad person, or should I mention considering myself as kind, considerate and nice person in comparing to many “fake” / narcissists / mean / arrogant people at workplace.  What’s wrong with me?  Am I really end up live and die alone?


Am I really evolve?


Comparing to the past, I’ve already made quite a breakthrough for myself.  Not many people can understand how hard and awkward we – childhood survivors to establish and maintain a relationship.  Not mentioning the intimate one but also other social relationship at work and friends cycle.


No matter how much time has passed, how many courses we attended, books we read, it seems there still have many hidden trauma issues hold us back continuously.



Cling onto relationships


I found many childhood abuse survivors are very clinging to others, friends, lovers or anyone they can rely on.   They tend to become controlling, co-dependent and pay 200% attention on surrounding people.


I knew it and totally understand how much burden we carry in having relationship with these type of clinging people. Because my sister belongs to this type.  Over the years, because of her insecure, lack of confidence and jealousy issues, I kind of like living under her spotlights, it’s an extremely tiring journey.


Both of us grew up in dysfunctional family but it affect us completely different.  Not only because personality / character are originally different but also we choose different route to handle all chaos at abusive house.


Start from the beginning, she chose to stand at my abusive dad’s side, join hands to hurt / bully me.  This not only can ease her jealousy but also gain lots of advantages from my Dad.


Nowadays I understand if there’s an abuser / narcissist, there must has someone stand next to them in supporting  his her evil acts. There were so many times I hate her so much because of her betray and selfishness.


But now when I look at her, who is experiencing a miserable life, depressed and lonely.  I know this is not the life I want and I do feel relief for myself : fighting back and not conform to the dysfunction, it’s a tough journey combine with lots of invisible scars, but sometimes I do feel proud of myself – have enough courage to stand up for myself, refuse to follow her path long time ago.


Keep an arm distance


This is me.  I have trust issue with people since young.  Obviously, I learned that people are hurtful and can’t be trust / rely on, even though they are your so-called family members.


Generally chit chat and social is fine for me, I’m not freaky or like a psychopath.  At surface, people view me a normal person,  but I always keep a certain distance from others.  I feel uncomfortable to disclose my lives / stories to others, to avoid outsiders dig deep and eventually judge me, I don’t step over other people’s business too.  For me, this is a safe social boundary.


This make many people feel I’m cold, mystery, secret and hard to get closer.  I tend to isolate myself from surroundings, feel more comfortable to stay in my cave than sharing my emotions / stories with others.  In such, I found myself lack of not only family but greatly social support.  When I was hurt and sad, I kind of licking my wounds quietly at my own dark corner.


I knew this is my biggest problem so I have learned to write, this is a huge breakthrough for me as I have learned to share.  This ease my pain and emotions.



Final thoughts



Another thing I felt sad was proofing that workplace is cruel.  Once you quit, those who used to be close / caring (at least pretending) changed faces immediately.  They were no longer interested to say hello or chat with you because they knew they can’t get anything from my position now.  It’s sad to discover the truth and once again make me feel unsafe to get close to people.  People is difficult to be trust.




How about you? do you have difficulties to have relationship with others? or have you ever met someone who is kind of weird in your eyes? They seem so unattached to the environment?



I can tell you, they are not weird, but just don’t know how to interact.  Deep down, they are hungry for love and care but just scare.  Like me.




Photo credit : Unsplash