Being able to survive, doesn’t mean it was ever OK.
I was sad. Though not devastated, but again I felt frustrated / sorry for myself.
It’s been 8+ months of my just-quit job, uncomfortable whenever I found colleagues manage to social well, have better relationship with other instructors / students / co-workers.
I’m not a bad person, or should I mention considering myself as kind, considerate and nice person in comparing to many “fake” / narcissists / mean / arrogant people at workplace. What’s wrong with me? Am I really end up live and die alone?
Am I really evolve?
Comparing to the past, I’ve already made quite a breakthrough for myself. Not many people can understand how hard and awkward we – childhood survivors to establish and maintain a relationship. Not mentioning the intimate one but also other social relationship at work and friends cycle.
No matter how much time has passed, how many courses we attended, books we read, it seems there still have many hidden trauma issues hold us back continuously.
Cling onto relationships
I found many childhood abuse survivors are very clinging to others, friends, lovers or anyone they can rely on. They tend to become controlling, co-dependent and pay 200% attention on surrounding people.
I knew it and totally understand how much burden we carry in having relationship with these type of clinging people. Because my sister belongs to this type. Over the years, because of her insecure, lack of confidence and jealousy issues, I kind of like living under her spotlights, it’s an extremely tiring journey.
Both of us grew up in dysfunctional family but it affect us completely different. Not only because personality / character are originally different but also we choose different route to handle all chaos at abusive house.
Start from the beginning, she chose to stand at my abusive dad’s side, join hands to hurt / bully me. This not only can ease her jealousy but also gain lots of advantages from my Dad.
Nowadays I understand if there’s an abuser / narcissist, there must has someone stand next to them in supporting his her evil acts. There were so many times I hate her so much because of her betray and selfishness.
But now when I look at her, who is experiencing a miserable life, depressed and lonely. I know this is not the life I want and I do feel relief for myself : fighting back and not conform to the dysfunction, it’s a tough journey combine with lots of invisible scars, but sometimes I do feel proud of myself – have enough courage to stand up for myself, refuse to follow her path long time ago.
Keep an arm distance
This is me. I have trust issue with people since young. Obviously, I learned that people are hurtful and can’t be trust / rely on, even though they are your so-called family members.
Generally chit chat and social is fine for me, I’m not freaky or like a psychopath. At surface, people view me a normal person, but I always keep a certain distance from others. I feel uncomfortable to disclose my lives / stories to others, to avoid outsiders dig deep and eventually judge me, I don’t step over other people’s business too. For me, this is a safe social boundary.
This make many people feel I’m cold, mystery, secret and hard to get closer. I tend to isolate myself from surroundings, feel more comfortable to stay in my cave than sharing my emotions / stories with others. In such, I found myself lack of not only family but greatly social support. When I was hurt and sad, I kind of licking my wounds quietly at my own dark corner.
I knew this is my biggest problem so I have learned to write, this is a huge breakthrough for me as I have learned to share. This ease my pain and emotions.
Another thing I felt sad was proofing that workplace is cruel. Once you quit, those who used to be close / caring (at least pretending) changed faces immediately. They were no longer interested to say hello or chat with you because they knew they can’t get anything from my position now. It’s sad to discover the truth and once again make me feel unsafe to get close to people. People is difficult to be trust.
How about you? do you have difficulties to have relationship with others? or have you ever met someone who is kind of weird in your eyes? They seem so unattached to the environment?
I can tell you, they are not weird, but just don’t know how to interact. Deep down, they are hungry for love and care but just scare. Like me.
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