Why Dysfunctional Family need a scapegoat?



Some People desperately look for Scapegoat, because they don’t want to see the truth.

– Jonathan Davis



Dysfunctional Family or any toxic system need a scapegoat. This is how the system works and the more people inside the system want to escape from blame / trouble, such toxic system will be bonded much stronger and exist longer.



Abusers need an Excuse


It’s difficult to explain to outsiders what’s going on inside dysfunctional family. Usually there’s a kid who is rebellious as he / she noticed the “sickness” inside family and not willing to conform the dysfunction.  This makes abuser (usually parents) feel insecure so need a scapegoat to blame on.


Then when outsiders judge or curious about what’s happening in “look-good” family, these abusive parents will have a well-explained excuse to escape from their parental responsibilities : now it’s not their faults, they have already do their best and every other family members seems satisfied and live happier……only the so-called “bad” child is the one who ruins the harmony of the family.


People are lazy to find out the truth, we all are busy at our own issues so when you present outsiders a “seem-reasonable / OK” answers, why they care or some of them may not willing to accept the truth.  So they accept and believe such troubled kid should take all responsibilities.  Parents don’t love this kid because he/she is “bad”.



Abusers project their anger / frustration to Victim


Not uncommon to read news occasionally indicates that someone – who was a well-known priest / professionals / authorities etc. but was charged for domestic violence, unethical issues, e.g. sexual / child abuse etc.


According to psychology theory of “projection” – a common defense mechanism : there are chances when a person who blame / hate the most of certain topics, or have a stronger stereotypes, e.g. homosexual is evil, child molester is monster etc.  the more they openly criticize a topic / person in public, potentially they want to  transfer focus from their hidden secrets to the target.


They may actually own these thoughts but hate themselves, most importantly they don’t want outsiders feel they belongs to same type.  Thus they will blame harshly for targets so outsiders will assume….well, he / she must not do the same thing.


My ex-boss always blame / humiliate others who is messy, lack of integrity or emotional unstable, etc.  She loves to preach instructors / staffs about what’s conscious living, honesty and best communication skills.  It’s really annoying to listen her “wisdom” during 1.5 hours meetings weekly, doesn’t she realize she’s behave exactly what she disguise?




Sum Up


As you can see, this phenomenon not only happened in dysfunctional / toxic family, but many environment such as workplace too.


My ex-colleague was the typical “scapegoat” at office.  Boss and colleagues treated her like an emotional trash bin, who accept all the BS.  When something wrong, nobody wants to take responsibilities but transfer blame on her.


I felt bad for her every time when I heard people talked behind her back.  This reminded my situation at home.  It’s difficult to turn the table, during the toxic system, it’s not always an abuser exists but also those who support them.


So reality check, are you the scapegoat or the one who supports the abuse happens?




Photo credit : Unplash – Bonnie Kittle


Psychology # 8 – Emotional Incest



OK.  Many people understand what it means for Incest, but rarely acknowledge the emotional incest.


This term came to my knowledge years ago and it’s interesting to find there are actually many emotional incest stories happened in dysfunctional / toxic / abusive family.


Since the parents not able to parent their kids or taking responsibilities of their parental role, many of them rely on their kids emotionally.


This is a typical taboo to discuss about because our society claim this is LOVE.


It’s not, kids are kids, if any adult treat a child / teenager like their same-age fellows that can share everything, their emotions, problems etc. this is actually an abuse behavior.


We are pulling the kids’ from their not-yet developed world up to adult’s level.  This confuse and can bring lots of development issues, which end up will destroy a kid’s / teenager’s life.


Do you agree? How do you think on this topic?

Quote of the day # 15 : Wear your pain

Strong women wear their pain like stilettos,

no matter how much it hurts, all you see is the beauty of it.



No doubt live is tough especially when you are struggling in something that bothering you, or dealing with all emotional baggage that carried from the past.


But let’s try, stand tall and “act” like a sexy bitch before we enter any rooms, to conquer our fear.



Are you strong? mentally tough?



Image credit : Pixabay – OpenClipartVectors

Psychology # 7 – Child Abuse


It made me sad whenever I heard news / stories about child abuse.  Every time this remind my sad childhood.   Also made me mad because I deeply understand how difficult it is and how long it takes to heal / survive after long-term abuse.


Dysfunctional / abusive family destroy everything : not only the bonding between child and parents, but also child’s ability to trust, which end up affect every aspects, such as self-worth, self-confidence, relationship with others in his / her lifetime.


And if he / she has his / her own family, the trauma and dysfunctional may bring to next generation.  The effect of child abuse is so tremendous and unpredictable.


Many people still misjudge / misunderstand how childhood trauma can affect individuals and people tend to blame the victims or simply ask them to forget it, move on etc. People don’t quite understand once the scars are there, even though it’s invisible but still tattooed on survivors’ souls / spirits FOREVER.


Hope more and more people  get educated about this topic and take it serious.


And you? are you aware the problem?

Quote of the day # 14 : Childhood

You can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood


Do you agree? Do you think many of your nowadays habits / preference / ways of thinking, etc. are actually originated from your childhood?



Image credit : Pixabay – Sebagee

Uncomfortable Truth about Relationship


Feed Your Mind #1


Started this series, I know how difficult it is to survive and act normal after years of abuse. Our soul, spirits, self-esteem / self-confidence are all shattered to pieces on floor.


Of course it’s essential to educate public and break silence, many years ago people don’t feel alright to discuss AIDS, Homosexual etc.  But the more we share and discuss, taboos will soon become normal to be addressed.


But at the same time since we, adult survivors don’t have good model to guide us : what’s right and good for us, I strongly feel self-education is essential during the healing journey, please try to search and learn from as many as mentors you can locate, either from immediate environment (quite difficult for many of us because we tend to stay an arm distance from crowd to protect ourselves) or internet.


At the end, we can’t keep on complaining, feel sorry for our past and depressed all times, we got to be strong, stand up tall and pick up the brains from others, in order to fight for lives that we dream of.


Watched below interesting video, the author really caught my attention because he seems understand very much about relationships, especially for those who were abused from childhood or suffered from trauma.


Pin point relationship issues that we adult survivors go through in adult relationships and how we react to environment / surrounding people.


If you don’t understand or want to let others know how it feels as an adult survivor, this is a good video to share.  And if you are a survivor, it might enlighten your perspective.


Haven’t read the book yet (by Neil Strauss) but this short 11 minutes video already spoke our minds.  I felt connected to what he mentioned.  It’s hard to someone who know how you actually feel or struggles you going through.


Enjoy and let me know how you feel about his thoughts.







Photo Credit : Pixabay – Prawny

Psychology # 6 – Dissociation


Symptoms on me was not that obvious, I guess.  Whenever I heard or read stories from other survivors, they seem suffering from this in a much obvious way.


When people discuss / bring out their abusive history, they seem forget everything or deny what’s happening to them.  Or make it like….there’s no problem at all. this is how life suppose to be.


In my case, I’m kind of unattached to the chaos / trauma, numbed and learned not to attach to people / events.  It’s just too painful / hurtful!


I used to cry myself out for the whole night, depressed and wandering around the street with an empty heart and soul.  Just can’t figure out what’s going on and what’s wrong with me.


Very soon, I learned to “dissociate” from toxic environment or dysfunctional attribute, as this is how I survive.


How about you?

Quote of the day # 12 : Strength

I measure myself in strength,

not pounds, sometimes in smiles

– Laurie Halse Anderson


From time to time, I’m frustrated at how much time / money people spend in fixing their outer appearance.  People are so afraid to be judged according to their physical attribution.


I have no problem to see if someone who cares the look and dress nice, but simply because these make them feel worthy and a sign of self-love, not because assume once they change this and that, people will love or respect them more.


It’s not, I’ve met so many so-called gorgeous / beautiful people, but you just can’t get along with them after you know their characters / personalities.  You just don’t want to spend 5 minutes more with them because their energy just drag you down.


I strongly feel inner beauty is the most incompatible quality that make you attract others.


So, How do you define yourself?


Image credit : Pixabay – PublicDomainPicture

Psychology # 5 – Narcissism


The more I educated myself, the more I realized I actually attract many narcissists into my life.  Guess it’s because I used to have a very low self-esteem and no ideas about healthy boundaries.


Hope many people will understand this personality disorder as early as possible.  It took me years to figure things out and start my healing journey.


How about you? Have you ever meet someone consist of this character?  How do you deal with them?

Freedom – Gold nuggets for entrepreneur


I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery – Thomas Jefferson



My Facebook account is extremely secret and highly personal.  But “you may know this person” notification caught my attention yesterday – a workaholic / devoted top executive who earned lots of money at a well-known international corporate.


Not a stalker, but my curiosity lead me to browse their timeline quickly…..They look different, especially the one who’s used to serious about his career, now he is brave enough to quit his high-pay & professional job, no need to care about hair dying so look a bit old (all white hair) than I met him 3 years ago.


What made him so different? I asked myself…..Oh, yeah….he looked happier, funnier and relax, can see the youth rise up from his spirit, he seems so happy, free and having great fun while travelling around the world now.  Though we no longer kept contact for long but I’m so honestly happy to see his happiness from photos / messages he share.



Freedom is stem from heart, not physically



It’s 5am now and I’m writing this blog.   Wow…it’s been 10 months+ since the last time I posted.  Time fly SO FAST!  I was exhausted and tied up with stress / tasks to follow up…. this and that from work and life.


Almost a week since I quit – mentally so FREE.  In the past, of course even had career break from time to time, now I acknowledge it’s might be an excuse for me to escape from “being stuck”.  Deep down I knew sooner or later I would back to work market.


Now, the feeling is very different.  I’m also very busy to plan / learn and organize like working at office from early morning to late night.


I no longer feel motivated to stuck at work cubicle, even though I knew there will have no problems for me to work at such a non-fulfilling position forever.


Recent year, I kept on asking myself : is it what I really want? what if I step out my comfort zone? what’s the worst scenario?


Sum Up


When I looked at my ex-boss, kept on asking myself : am I willing to become that person or having the same life like her? Answer : No.  What if tomorrow or in 3 months I will die, is it the life I want to end? Answer : No.



How about you? Have you ever X-Ray your life having now? Is it what you hungry for? Are you happy with what you have right now? Touch wood if you know you only have 3 months left, are you willing to do something different?




Photo credit : Pixabay – Stevebidmead