Binge Eating – My worse Coping Mechanism

Fools take a knife and stab people in the back.

The wise take a knife, cut the cord, and free themselves from the fools.

 

Binge Eating Habit

Oh my bad! When emotions overwhelmed, I binge eat – one of the most self-destructive behavior I pick up since young.

Thought I can manage my frustration, anxiety and anger better this time, I did head up, stayed strong and kept calm when resigned (though my body and voice still shake a bit during the meeting).  But after I left the toxic workplace, I have been struggling to smooth my emotions properly and dive back into my binge eating habit for a week.  Not only suffered from being maltreated / bullied at work but also punish myself further by adding up 10+ pounds. This made me angry at my ability to handle stress.

It’s definitely something I need to work on as such self-sabotage behavior as it always put me back to the loophole.  That’s why my healing journey is back and fourth : one step forward then ten steps backward over the years.  I didn’t really enjoy the food but simply stuff myself up to ease my emotions.

Such routine started again few months ago since my days filled with triggers usually every year end, plus I feel irritable / depressed / annoyed for not able to meet New Year resolution I promised myself.  3 months passed and I feel stuck in similar circumstances.  It sucks as I strive to have a big leap to have a new chapter of life in this year.  What on earth I am doing to myself?

Abusers bully victims tactfully and secretly

It’s always bother me because there’s no proof for any psychological / emotional abuse.  I feel extremely lonely, confused and hopeless for not able to describe my situation, or persuade others at work that I was treated differently.  My colleagues commented that I am over-thinking, over-reacted, or explained that my ex-boss was just a “straight-forward” person.  She treats everyone the same as long as we do the job right.

I never feel angry about my colleagues because they don’t know the subtle interactions between me and my ex-boss. However, I really can distinguish whether a person is come to me for job-related issues or ON PURPOSE.  It’s unnatural if there’s a person who pick on another person for everything.  Something must going-on underneath.

These kind of abusers are very good at cover-up, they know they can’t scold / blame you for no reason as this will ruin their reputation.  Thus the most common tactic they used are try to pick on you for everything you do, you say, you think at work, or make tasks difficult for you to memorize / organize / handle.  At surface, when other colleagues heard these abusers complained, they will assume the victims really made some mistakes so need to take her / his responsibilities.  But nobody will understand the truth and trap that pre-set for victims to fall in.

I was explained routine in fast speed (or skip certain steps not telling) that I can hardly write down or memorize, eventually not able to catch up and carry out the instructions; another time spent hours to change a simple document from one extension to another extension unnecessary and continuously for whole morning, until my computer can’t make any further change; or I was ordered to dig out a vintage dirty sample from warehouse WITH DRESS (when she spotted me wearing nicely that day), which supposed the duties of a warehouse worker (because he needs to move heavy card-boxes around), etc. etc. etc.

She planned these ON PURPOSE and always carry a smile when she saw me stressed out, sweating or stumble upon. Nobody can see the truth but only I can sense her sinister mask.

Abusers take advantage of your kindness / mercy

Abusers take your silence / forgiveness as your fear / incompetent to fight back.  I know how to say or behave the same as emotional abusers, but it’s against my value and moral so I chose not to mock their actions.  But there are many times my step aside didn’t serve me any good.  Instead, I was bullied / abused even harder.

They take my tolerance for granted – the more I gave in, the more complacent they show as it represents their power over me.  I learned it the hard way since young, from my abusive dysfunctional family, at work and even friend circles. My silence is treated as a weakness so can further walk all over me.

It seems in order to gain the power / reputation among others, we need to be harsh, to win during conversation even this hurt others feelings.  I’m sad because it seems many people forget the fundamental healthy relationship is come from love, care and respect.

What I have learnt

 

Harm / hurts was caused by this abusive ex-boss, but now when I climb out from my binge eating cave, manage to re-evaluate the situation, few worthwhile lessons are still can be found.

Once again, it strengthens my belief of “Beauty comes from within”.  My ex-boss is a pretty rich woman, but ONLY when she shuts up, because the way she approach the world with criticism, focus 200% on negatives and how she demean, judge and treat others disrespectfully – do made her look extremely ugly.  It’s true for not judging beauty by appearance but soul and spirit.  People afraid to stay close, chat to her, or try to escape elsewhere during her existence. That’s pathetic.

It’s striking to see one’s beauty but such feeling will fade away after times, that’s why people say no matter how prettier you are, sooner or later people will get used to such beauty, so will not praise you as like as the first time they meet the same person.  However, one can become uglier after you spend certain time with him / her when their true self come out.

Secondly, we got to be humble, open and listen to others’ opinions.  There’s a saying that the greatest punishment to a person is not telling him/her what’s mistakes he/she made.  My ex-boss spent every moment to pick on me, so arrogant to tease and challenge my every move,  aim to prove how smart and success she was.   Absurdly, I found most of the time I’m the one who knew the best solutions / skills, which can actually enhance the workflow, efficiency and profits.

Simply because of her ignorance and ridiculous reaction drive me to keep silence.  At surface I agree and obey but deep down I was laughing for such immature / unprofessional attitude.  Further remind myself I should not behaving the same – if I want to upgrade myself and have a better perspective, I must learn what better ideas others are holding.

Final thoughts

 

Hope I will not experience the same situation again.  But if there is, I wish I can deal with my emotions better.   Though I can set boundary and make a better choice to leave the toxic environment this time, but I still not able to handle my emotions properly and wisely.

Photo credit : Pixabay

Myths about Narcissists / Emotional abusers

Close the doors that cause you pain, anger and suffering, so you can open the ones that bring you love, acceptance and inner peace.

Sadly to say, I’m good at spotting narcissistic behaviors / emotional abusers.  I have a kind-hearted face (what people say), introvert and don’t like arguments so used to be quiet, without talking back even facing with injustice / quarrel.  This may give abusers / narcissists a great chance to spot as an easy target to kick at.

In early years, I was confused without a suitable term to describe.my experiences.  What irritates me a lot is all the myths people believe in.  These make me feel lonely and weird to others because of my different perspectives from majority of people.

Our lives can be very miserable if narcissists / emotional abusers and our society own these myths, especially if they are our boss / parents, or anyone who control our life at certain level.

Candid equals to Mean

It’s annoyed me whenever I heard comments about someone say / do something hurtful to others, will be sugar-coated as “well,he/she just straightforward”, “he/she just being honest”.  Holy Crap!  I never believe being honest / frank should throw away all fundamental politeness / respects.  I heard people who has bad temper is excused as being honest, no faking.  It means that anytime we feel angry we can murder someone? it’s simply a good personality because we are being true to ourselves?

This is just an excuse for abusers / narcissists to say / do whatever they like without any consideration of other human beings.  This is not honest, one who can’t control their tongues and behaviors is simply acting childish, selfish and self-center, he / she expects the world will forgive them endlessly.  Many abusers feel miserable about their own lives, fail to deal with so project their anger and frustration to others, with a pretty label “being true to themselves”.

Conscientious equals to Picky

No gender discrimination but it’s actually commonly found from female.  Some people check every unnecessary details because lack of confidence so always try to make things perfect to prove their self-worth.  These type of people don’t realize such habit can lead to procrastination or ruin relationship with others.

What annoyed me more are another types of people who can tolerant their own faults but pay 200% effort to discover others’ flaws.  They pick on others on purpose with a belief that the more mistakes they dig out represents their ability to handle the tasks better than others.  They use the wrong way to prove their power and confidence.

Hardworking equals to Workaholic

Working atmosphere getting sick.  People are highly praised for working 60 hours+ a week.  In my theory, life is like a pizza, which consists of different ingredients and slices : love, relationship, family, hobbies, friends etc.  Or it’s like a school record card, we got to have reasonable marks for every subject in order to get a good average marks of that semester.  We will get a “red” marks even if we have 100 marks for certain subject but fail for majority of other subjects.  Same as life, many people are very successful at work, but disaster at home or own relationship.

It’s always easy to focus on one specific thing – not as much as challenge to hit every category of life to get an average score of each.  There’s a saying never put all eggs in one basket, somebody put all their focus on a relationship or a career, without investing much in other aspects.  It’s very risky because when things goes wrong, life will be completely collapsed.  In fact, people who spend 80%+ of time at work are usually try to escape from something, probably a rotten relationship or boring life.  If your boss is narcissist and own this myth, we can never have our own lives outside work.

Narcissists / Emotional abusers have remorse

NO!  They don’t feel sorry for what they say / did to others.  They don’t have this ability.  In fact, most of the times they think they are victims.  Unfortunately, abused victims believe their abusers will have regret one day so they keep on forgiving and waiting forever.  I had similar thought at past as I thought those who abused me from family, school and workplace will regret and change.  But they never will, the more I step back, the more I suffer.

Outsiders can spot Narcissists / Abusers easily

According to my own experience, NO!  Many narcissists / abusers I come across are very successful, smart and generous to their followers / outsiders.  This is the perfect image they create to attract admirers.  Only when you become their target of abuse, then their masks will take off and you will see their true self behind the scene.   It’s a completely tough and lonely journey for victims because nobody will believe what he/say say about that person.  They see from different angles of that narcissists / abusers.  Many good husband / wife / friend / leaders can switch their faces completely to targeted victims.

Pretty / Successful people never a narcissist / emotional abuser

Many narcissists / emotional abusers will abuse verbally or emotionally to the one they found competitive.  It’s because they used to be classified as the success, pretty or intelligent one.   It’s difficult for them to handle the truth that there’s another person better than them.  The way they regain the power, reputation and status is to step over / downgrade others’ privilege.  I witness many brutal and ugly process.

What if you are abused ? 

You are not alone.  Heads up, stay strong.  I can understand how lonely it can be as I am an abused survivor too.  Tough to speak up, not only the shame we carry but also it’s difficult to find outsiders to believe the truth we see.

What if your friend or loved one is abused ? 

Please trust and support him / her.  You may not believe what you have heard because that person he / she describe can be very different from your experiences.  Of course there are people who are over-reacted and usually misinterpret other intentions as attack behaviors.  However, please use your judgment, if he/she doesn’t has the habit to generalize people’s attitude, you may need to re-evaluate the situation.  Because you are not the target so you will never understand the injustice they are experiencing.  Narcissists / Abusers are very tactful to abuse others without leaving any footprints.

What if you are narcissists / emotional abusers ?

Get a life!  Upgrade and work on your self-esteem issues.  Other people failed doesn’t mean you’re succeed.  To hurt and step over others to prove your confidence / power is a very low -level tactic.

Final Thoughts

I’m weird because of my unconventional perspectives of many life topics.  That’s why I do feel lonely and hopeless from time to time, not only because not too many understand me, but some will use these as their excuse to bad mouth / talk behind me or simply bully me verbally or emotionally.  But what’s the point to live a life with full of lies and myths anyway?

Photo credit : Unsplash – Joshua Earle

Trapped again with Toxic / Narcissistic people

Narcissist – a more polite term for a self-serving, manipulative, evil asshole with no soul

Why again?

Once again, I was trapped with toxic bosses in toxic environment.  Can’t remember how many offices I encounter over the past 2 years.  It seemed that I’m very attracted to emotional vampires.  Never believe there’s a perfect job so I have already put my standards down and be humble, grateful for any job offers I accepted.  But don’t know if it’s because my expectation too low or if there’s any signs I gave to the world that I am an easy target for abuse.

Last 2 years, I worked with more than 6 female bosses and they simply drive me crazy.  I’m terrify to go to work everyday, not because of the work load but the emotional torture in the environment.  My unhappiness level is getting lower gradually according to the duration I spend at work.  The job I got a week ago, for example, the female boss makes my stress level raised to the top easily.

Blame + Nagging + Critize + Complain – nonstop

Female is good at taking care of details.  It’s a good nature but if cross the line, detailed oriented can become fussy, annoying and unnecessary perfectionism.  The boss I am working with now is picking every LITTLE detail.  Her post is Director but it’s funny that she spent every moment to go through everyone’s duties, to check and pick up mistakes.  I would say it’s necessary to be careful but the way she check is becoming OCD already.

End up we are so afraid to hear her voice because every time she speaks, there’s something wrong and we can’t finish our work properly because there are many unnecessary correction and back and fourth counter check, unnecessary listings and so-called systematic procedures.  She is the one who always complain this and that, how busy she is but she never understand the way she approach the work and world make everyone surrounding her feel miserable.

It’s annoying to see her but there’s no escape because she just sit next to me.  She will sit next to you and guide you step by step like a kid for what not to do and what to do.  Not only she can’t finish her own duties but distract our work continuously every 5 minutes.

Now I can understand no matter how pretty you are, the way you treat others and how you talk/behave do affect your image/appearance a lot.  She is a pretty lady, IF SHE CAN SHUT UP.  Once she opens her mouth, the world around her is collapsed and she looks extremely ugly.  Nobody will feel the one who is mean, harsh and judgmental is attractive.  That’s remind me not behaving the same as I witness how ugly she is, not the physical but her soul.

Evil intention

At first, I just feel it’s coincidence, then I noted the evil act behind scene.  Many cases she knew I was do something but without teaching / guiding me how to carry out the duties properly. Then when I finished she will act as a professional and being sarcastic to humiliating me during the mentoring.  She is my boss of course I will not saying anything but deep down I had hard feeling and think why she told me the situations at the first place? Why she will smile when she found my mistakes? That’s annoying and make me disrespect her personality more.

She did these with purpose, not only set a trap for me to jump in, but always pick on me for every WORD, SENTENCE I report, she try very hard to pick up any casual words I say which end up feel extremely nervous to speak to her. No mental healthy person will spot and analyse every word the other person say and ready to attack that minor slip of the tongue.  It’s unnatural and I can feel her attempt to spot any potential mistake I make, in order to yell and blame me at any chance.

Despise and teasing

I believe everyone do have their own talent.  But my boss pay 100% attention on my conversation with others so whenever she spot something I don’t understand / manage or any topic I never approach.  She will start to despise me verbally and non-verbally.  Teasing me how dare I don’t know this kind of knowledge, etc.

There’s a saying that “Nobody will kick the non-bark dog”, I understand if there’s anyone who love to pick on someone, or enjoy to step over her/his face, it means something trigger that person’s own self-esteem.  Know is know, but to deal with this non-stop picking is tough. I strongly feel she try very hard to hurt my self-worth and ability.  It’s suck when someone spot you as a target to pick on.

Final thoughts

If similar situations happened a year ago, I will swallow everything by myself, lock myself up to cry and feeling miserable about myself.  But since I read and absorb tons of information from online / offline sources, I start to realize I deserve better and learn to make a choice to stay away from emotional vampires or any toxic environments that suck my soul and energy out.  I start to select people who can make me become better, happier and stronger.

This is the reason I getting more picky nowadays, when I see the situation doesn’t seem right to my life, I chose to leave without too much hesitation (though I re-think this case seriously as I love the job nature, salary and benefits etc.).  Because I know there’s no point for me to waste time in the place that can’t help me to grow and learn.  In recent situations, I kept on mumbled to myself that “I deserve to have a better job, better partner or any healthy relationship that nourish my self-help path.

I witness many co-workers they complain the environment continuously but never take better action, for example, to improve their skills and knowledge so can leave the job they hate, end up waste 40 years at the same unhappy job until they retire with remorse and unhappiness.  I don’t want to go through the same path.  I want to control the environment instead of just leading by it numbness, then one day when I look back I found myself no longer live with passion anymore.

I will resign from my job tomorrow, and will keep on trying to pick the suitable job that make me feel worthy and have positive impacts to myself.  Life is too short to get stuck in toxic environment.  In this year, I am more alert to surround myself with good people because I start to realize how big impact it added value to my life.  I was stuck in unhealthy environment for long and waste a lot of time previously.  Noways, though still a long way to work on but learn to head up and stay strong.

Photo credit : Pixabay

An Ordinary Person Create Extraordinary Change – Adam Braun

If you’re not satisfied with the path you’re on, it’s time to rewrite your future – Adam Braun

Because of my grow-up history, I buried myself into books since earlier age.  Books always fascinate me as it open my soul and eyes to the world.  Teach me what is right and wrong and guide me to a better self, unlearned everything that brought to me from my dysfunctional family.  Feel like I step into another safe world that can give me temporary peace, shut down from hurtful feelings / memories during reading.

I don’t know if it’s because of my background or not, I found myself can feel the pain of others very easily.  And always dream one day I will have my own charity thus have been involved in many charity works over the years, following several world-class charities that touch my hearts.  “Promise of Pencil” is one of them

Knew this NGO long time ago but never read the book until now.  Wow….it’s a terrific book and glad I finally settle down to finish it in few days.  I thought it’s another gimmick book that aim to sell the image of the organisation. But I was wrong!

The book is written by the founder Adam Braun, who is smart, young, humble, well-driven with full of potential to pursue a high pay career path.  But somehow he knew he wants purpose/meaning for life, instead of wealth.  This is the journey from how he got the idea and the journey towards the success of his charity of today.  He’s very honest and humble, which impressed me a lot, especially when he share his failure, struggles along the way. What mistakes he made and how to fit them.

I was so touched for several stories he shared from the book, especially the Indian boy, who inspired him at the first place to start the thought of this movement.  I can’t stop my tears because I knew how he feels at that scene.  I traveled several third-word countries and my heart always sink whenever I see the poverty and poor kids around the street.  I witness and understand the truth of unfairness, poverty around the world while we are, who live in well-developed countries never can imagine.  This book give me a lot of inspirations and wake my dream up again.

Those who are not into charity things, I would say this still a nice book and can be recommended to anyone who is into self-development.  Many of the chapters are well-written, I am a quick reader but spend a lot of time to read it slowly on purpose so I can digest every sentence, rethink and reflect on myself seriously, chapters for example :

Promise of Pencil book

Get out of your comfort zone

This is something I always try to remind myself.  I really feel every time when I throw myself out of the ordinary, it’s scary but somehow I get something new, something better.  But I still need to improve a lot in this aspect, by now, I only manage to put myself out of comfort zone 20-30% of my time.

Walk with a purpose

When I read this chapter, I kept asking myself what’s my purpose then? It’s so easy just act the same day by day, until one day I realize….oh no, 10 years past already? It feels like yesterday.  The older I get the more I feel time fly so fast and from to time when I look back, I would ask myself what did I do for the past year, 3 years, or even 5 years?  There’s a saying that one who live without purpose is like a dead fish.

Change your words to change your worth

I have self-worth issue and trying to build up my self-esteem continuously.  It’s tough especially when I have already absorbed all the negative name callings, humiliation, judgments from people who suppose give me love and care.  But I start to realize how we think or say about ourselves will affect how we react to the world.  Need more practice.

Surround yourself with those who make you better

Now I totally understand, though a bit late and scary to me.  Because of my low self-esteem, I always feel afraid to have connection with people I admire.  I feel I don’t deserve the attention and this lead me only manage to hang around with those who has lower moral standard / value than me, thought they won’t judge me the way I am.  But the truth is these are people who will give me hard time the most because of their own issues.

It’s still a very scary attempt for me, but in recent year, I start to realize how importance it is about the people surround me.  I am learning to be brave with confidence to have connection with those who are better than me.

If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough

I have many dreams but do scare me a lot, what if I don’t succeed, what if I end up put myself into big troubles? What if nobody help me? what if…..again, more to practice.

Final thoughts

I always admire people who has passion, gut, dream big and actually make it happen to change the world.  I learn a lot from his wisdom over chapters.

Anyone who want to learn more about this organization, well worth to visit their website “Pencil of promise“.

Step out of the Scapegoat (Black sheep) Role

From time to time, I’ll try to post worth-to-read articles I found from the net, in case someone in somewhere find helpful by learning from other people’s wisdom.

Healing is a long journey, it’s tough and can be very lonely, especially if we don’t connect to the world.  This is the mistake I made over the years and I don’t want to see anyone will go through the same like me.

Below is the link of an article related to scapegoat role in dysfunctional family.  It resonates me a lot and this kind of articles always give me energy / strength to move on my daily life.  Or if you found any well worth articles / websites, please share with me.  Thanks.

Till now, Enjoy! All credits to the writer alone : Step out of the Scapegoat Role

Photo credit : Pixabay

Childhood trauma affects individual across a lifetime

Scientific findings on Childhood Trauma

Watched a TED talk lately, in which describing how childhood trauma can affect individual health tremendously across the lifespan.

Though I knew it’s essential to learn / grab information to enhance my healing process – not acknowledge the situation or hide from it doesn’t mean it will go away or doesn’t exist – but I always feel sad to read or watch this kind of scientific research about childhood trauma.   Many findings are resonate to me.

Life struggles

As an abused (survivor), I knew how difficult to get over all the hurt memories/triggers as flashbacks strike me hardly from time to time.  I may feel alright at this moment then suddenly feel terrible miserable according to what memories come to my mind.

Nobody can understand fully if they have never experienced the abused so that’s why many victims learned to shut down emotions. It can be even worsen to share with someone who don’t get the ideas about trauma, than keep all secrets by themselves.  The healing journey is tough especially when you are experiencing things that are taboos in society, victims can be feel very lonely even surrounded by friends.  This is exactly how I feel for a long time.

Low self-worth issue 

I’m kind of stuck in depressed mode lately.  Not only deal with regular triggers/flashbacks but also my negative emotions towards the one I secretly admired for several years.  He tries to attract my attention and chasing me for a long time but I just can’t manage the intimacy.  I don’t trust people easily because of my abused background, feel scare to be hurt thus usually keep an great distance from people.  Understand this is unhealthy coping mechanism but I still learning how to manage this self-destructive behavior.

The more I discovered his greatness, the more I feel low about my self-worth thus the more I afraid to let him get close to me.  Emotionally, I want to disappear forever then I don’t need to deal with all the emotion turmoils inside; but rationally I knew it’s essential for my healing journey, it gives me motivation to become a better self everyday.

Final thoughts

I hope more people will understand how childhood trauma can affect an individual’s entire life.  Take it serious, be alerted what not to do and what should do to every child.  It’s easily to prevent than heal the wound.  And for those who were abused / maltreated from childhood.  May we hold hands together, have courage and wisdom continuously to heal.

Photo credit : Pixabay

Let go of the Shame

What you can’t say owns you; What you hide controls you.

Shame is my buddy

What I remembered, my mom was unhappy most of the time.  Because of her miserable childhood and was then abused by relatives when she immigrated from her birth place to live under the roof of them.  This is how she met my Dad then jump into marriage within short period of time.  Marriage was an escape for her though it might jumped from one hell to another hell.

I was verbally and physically abused by her regularly because of her unstable emotional status.  I was brutally beat by all sorts of tools can be found at house, but when you were young, you can’t escape anywhere (many times I was tied to the window).  Besides physical, I was also mentally and emotional abused, my mom is very creative for humiliating people.  But as mentioned, when you were young without any close friends to compare with, it’s impossible to realize it’s not a norm.

It was tough but whenever I think back, it’s not as damage as what I was suffered after she run away from the family.  She is a person who can’t control her emotion / temper but treat me nicely when mentally stable.  At least she built me a strong foundation of personal value, good and bad, in which save me from trouble afterwards.  I have the potential to reach the even worst situation while struggling all traumas by my own.  It’s true we never have a strong mom-daughter relationship but she is the one who treated me the BEST in this family anyway.

Shame about my parents’ divorce

30 years ago, divorce is very rare in comparing to nowadays society.  Thus when my parents divorced especially my mom disappeared completely, it’s a huge shame for me.  I kept the secret from my friends at school (though not many friends actually) as I was afraid to be judged / teased.  I was shamed for not having lunch boxes that prepared by mom like other school kids. Not only school, but also there are many curious neighbors started to notice the absence of my mom so I need to answer numerous questions that I don’t want to or don’t know how to.  I usually turn away whenever I spotted them from distance.

Shame to replace my mom role

I was very sad and felt deprived for not able to have the life I was supposed to live as a teenager because of family situation.  I had no choice but need to replace my mom role to take care everything at home.  I was forced to grow up so fast within short period of time.  It was confused, helpless because I was not only taking care of myself but also needed to nurture little sister, who was only few years old when my mom run away.  It’s extremely a irresponsible act as a parent but there’s nobody I can blame for.  I was brain-washed to give up all my dreams or desire but pick up all responsibilities which was not supposed mine.  Nobody asked my opinion about the birth of my sister, if I knew I was the one to pick up the mess then I should be informed properly at first place.

Shame for my verbal / emotional abuse

I didn’t miss my mom much since we were not that close anyway.  But if comparing with my abusive dad, she is the best I met in family.  My Dad is a psychopath, immature, selfish, manipulating and narcissistic.  He wears the mask perfectly thus nobody know his truth.

Like other narcissistic parent, he carry a nice image : nice, generous, caring, etc. outside the house.  I was so sick of his role acting so hate to listen his speech / conversation with others.  Who knows such a nice acting man will become another horrible guy at home?  He’s short tempered, abusive and mean.  I tried very hard but still fail to forget all humiliations he put on me.  Frequent flashbacks drive me crazy, his cruel comments / judgments lead me to depressed mode from time to time.  I had to learn to shut down my emotions or keep myself busy in order to get rid of these hurtful memories.

Now I learned from many psychologists / professionals’ articles that he projected his weakness / loathe / failure onto me. The more he hate and feel insecure about himself, the more he will humiliate others as this is the way to make them feel good about themselves.  It’s how he get ride of his own blames by transferring them to others.

Shame for sexual abuse

When I was a kid, there were blurred memories my dad came to my room molested me.  But the situation gone worst since my mom run away.  He abused me verbally and mentally and talked me bad in front of sisters, create a fence and distance me from sisters.  Then he created many rumors in front of other relatives so people believe how bad I am.  This further cut my support systems since I don’t have too many friends due to the non-stopped chaos at home.  I pick up the role of family “scapegoat”.

Reasons why I never respect him because I hate his distrustful tactics.  When I lack of supports then he can fool me around as he wished.  He started to molest me whenever he want without showing any remorse.  And started to treat me badly to prove that if I want to gain his attention / love / caring, I better obey him as much as he wants.

I was confused and scared and didn’t know how to handle the situation.  Am I too over-reacting? Shall I scream?   I felt extremely uncomfortable and devastated every time he sexually abused me.  As I growing old, the knowledge I gained from media and newspapers etc. proved that I am victim of physical, mental, sexual and domestic abused

I started to feel furious and depressed.  Tried to commit suicide and lost the motivation to live my life.  The anger is huge because I was betrayed by my family members.  Not only my dad but my sisters and relatives, family’s friends are all ignored my situation.  My sisters just care their own privilege because the more worst I am suffering, the better benefit they get from my abuse.  Many times I screamed loudly inside and cried for the whole night until my eyes can’t open up as they were swallowed.  I was blamed for everything, I don’t have right to fight or argue back, or blamed for being too sensitive.  Fortunately I was not totally naive thus able to stop my dad getting any further for several situations (he can rape / induce me into sex acts), otherwise my trauma can become even worst than now.

Same as many other sexual abused survivors, I felt extremely shame for my sexual abuse.  I don’t want to let anyone know because I don’t know how to explain how come my Dad will do this to me, his biological daughter.

Shame for being left alone

My dad never earn my respect.  Outsiders will think I’m such a rebellious / repenting daughter with too many issues.   Who knows the truth? It’s simply because I am not good at (or hate) acting.  The more he use different despicable tricks to show me his power, the more I look down on him.

He’s not a good husband so his wife willing to give up everything and run away.  He’s also not a good parent because he simply transfer all his responsibility to me.  Everyday when he stepped into home, he became a king and only ordered this and that, to sit, sleep and eat.  I was the one who run from here and there to serve him like a servant.  If I refuse to do or doing not properly, he will blame me for being lazy or humiliated me with swear / abusive words, which end up stamped on my heart forever.  It hurts so much when your dad insult you.  Of course he can’t called as dad because no father on earth will sexually abuse his daughter.

He’s a psychopath so never do introspection.  Like other abusers, he break all my support system not only create rumors about me in front of others, but I was kick out from family celebrations.  Nobody celebrate my birthdays or uninvited for reunions.  This is the way he shows his power, to show me that if I don’t follow his rules, I will never gain his care/attention.  I don’t really care actually.  It’s better to stay alone at home rather than pretending we are good family to others.  Though it hurts a lot and I cried so much every time secretly.  How cruel they are!

Shame for simply being a human

The common tactic narcissistic / abusive parent used in dysfunctional family is : to create rumors about that “scapegoat” and spread it openly everywhere.  This help others to believe there are reasons I was not be loved or cared because I am a bad person at family.

But those who understand the dynamic of dysfunctional family will understand usually the “scapegoat” in the family is the one who actually see the truth behind the good-looking family.  I am the one who refuse to follow the sick path thus shaken this toxic system in the family.

I lived in the dark hole for such a long time, never have courage to disclose or tell the truth.  Everyone believe I’m the one who should blame for all the problems and relatives dislike me too.  But now I understand the importance of speaking the truth, not only for justice but for my own mental health.

Over the years, I swallowed so many secrets / angers that make me depressed and suffered from PTSD.  I always want to live my own life but my mental status not allow me to do so.  But recently, I spent great efforts to get back to track, to rebuild myself, to get stronger, as I finally realize the first step to heal is to speak up, this is the way I admit the situation before I can fully be honest to myself and the world.  I never able to establish a healthy strong relationships with others because there are so many things I don’t want to tell. I felt like others will not like me once they found out my background.

I am getting stronger and braver everyday thus lead me to start this blog.  But if I can do it again, I will not keep all these as my own secrets because I sabotage myself so much for so long……I was trapped by lots of my self-destructive behaviors. It’s not worth it but further lead me to a very depressed status.

Final thoughts

I carried so many shame over years, wish I can live freely without shame one day. I’m not the one who abuse and doing bad things, why should I feel guilty and shame for others’ faults? I have more to learn.

Photo credit : Pixabay

I’m attracted to psychopathic bosses

 The root of all evil is abuse of power – Patricia Cornwell

I know there are many talented applicants in the market so never consider myself as the “super-class” / irreplaceable employee.  But after work with numerous people who work at similar positions as I have, I really have confident to rate myself as a valuable staff and can make positive contribution to many companies.  People who take senior positions or earning high salary simply because they stay at same position very long.

Where are good / reasonable boss?

Got few job offers lately but sadly I was either kicked out or make my own decision to quit.   From time to time, I doubt if I expect too much.  Not mentioning the job responsibilities or never ended working hours, many bosses I reported to were narcissism or even can be classified as psychopath.  I always feel it’s easy to deal with daily routines than handling all sorts of abusive/non-sense/BS and offensive behaviors.  I hate to say this but it looks like people are not as kind/considerate as it used to be.  Not expecting a saint, but it’s kind of difficult to find a reasonable or someone I do respect to work with nowadays.  It seems that not too many bosses understand the way they treat their staffs, will end up lead them to success / failure.

For example, the one I just quit last week : She is a mean and old woman, with terrible personality that make over 50 staffs resigned from the company for the last year.  I was alerted when I knew over 20 staffs were taking my position, not sure what happened or the truth, but once I start to work with her, I noticed her abusive/narcissistic behaviors.  Totally a torture!  She kept on complaining this and that, e.g. wondering why she can’t good staff.  Seems that she never reflect herself from the past as she is the one who should blamed for.

Glad I do have some knowledge of psychopaths/narcissistic absorbed via numerous blogs/articles/podcasts over years due to my abused family background.  The moment I met this old lady boss, I knew somethings wrong but not sure how to address in words.  During the whole interview, she spent 90% of the time to complain/black-mouth her staffs, how bad and stupid they are, lack of responsibilities etc. etc.  At the surface, she acted politely, nicely and reasonably so I guess her explanations has points, until I worked with her.

Being Mean

She is not a bad person I assume, who proudly claim herself as christian.  But according to my experience in just 4 days :  I witness how she re-act extremely sensitive to very small stuffs, always scream, scold and humiliate staff for minor mistakes, or even there are many times it’s not the fault of staffs, but she simply look for a target to scold at.  She never use foul language but her speech is so hash/sarcastic/rude, verbally abuse us so we no longer feel motivated to perform well.  We learned to keep quiet, stay alert like walking on the eggshell all the times.

Gossip Queen

Another huge flaw of her is love to talk bad behind people.   First of all, from 9:00-7:00 everyday, she seems never feel happy for anything or anyone.  Anything happen will become a tragedy in her eyes;  anyone who stand in front of her or raise up any ideas/opinions will become her target to scold with.  Then she loves to gossip person A in front of person B, then gossip person B in front of person A.  Her habit confused me a lot as I don’t know when is she telling the truth or if she can be trusted.  The one who talk people bad in front of me, I can guarantee she/he will do the same in front of others about me.  That scare me!

I started to feel headache whenever I met her as she is the one who always interrupt my work for non-sense critics/judgments about others.  This attitude also create many mistrust among colleagues because we never know who will betray who, in order to gain the attention/benefit from the boss.

Look at me, I’m so Great!

She also an arrogant/selfish person.  Always disturb us from routines to hear her success/greatness : e.g. how she never as a staff because the first day she walk in the market is boss already; how her company/reputation is so famous that attracted so many big brands; how she never wear the same cloth everyday, how success / high educated of her friends are, etc. etc. bragging and bragging….. I was so tired of hearing her boast.

Useless meetings

She loves meetings!! What major points to be discussed is basically how bad for a staff (scapegoat) at certain situation..  That’s my second day at work so I just sat quietly and nodes occasionally without inputs.  Whole situation is extremely unprofessional and waste of time/resources.  We can actually work effectively with this 2 hours’ waste.  This pattern is common and used to have TWO meetings every week because she loves to share her FEELINGS and non-sense opinions from time to time.  That’s the reason for our overtime work.

And because of her big ego, she never admit her own mistakes.  I never want to finger point any wrong doers but it’s exhausted to deal with blames that was not belongs to myself all the times.   That’s suck!

What I learned

If I want to succeed, I need to surround myself with people I admire and the environment must be align with my goal.  I must be humble, willing to listen others’ opinions so I can improve continuously.

I found my self-esteem is actually improving.  If all these happening 5 years ago, I will simply accept my situation and don’t know how to get out of the trap.  Not saying I reach the best but at least I acknowledge the problem and give myself other choice.  I am more conscious nowadays to set health boundaries and choose my environment.  There’s a saying “We are the average of 5 people we hang around with”.

Photo credit : Unsplash – by Rayi Christian Wicaksono

My Dance Teacher save my life

If fear didn’t exist, I’d run up to you, kiss you and tell you that I love you.

Such title sounds a bit over-rated but it’s the truth.

Surviving through all non-sense, abused experiences make me completely lost for a long period of time.  I simply stay alive, not living my life. Without supports and adequate knowledge, I was 100 pounds overweight, completely out-of-shaped, extremely low self-esteem/self-worth, lack of motivation to live my dream, dress terribly, confused and depressed most of awake time.  At that point, I really don’t know how my life will head to, in fact, I gave up myself since the so-called healing journey is too difficult to handle.

Then, fate lead me to meet my dance teacher.  Coupons are included in monthly gym membership so my initial intention was straight forward : don’t waste money I paid for.  I always want to lose weight but I had emotional eating issue, this self-sabotage habit is the most comfortable defense mechanism I used since young especially when emotions are too overwhelmed.

Dancing suddenly introduced to my life and attracted my attention immediately.  This is a very new experience for me.  I started to care how I look and dress; I started to eat healthy and exercise more to lose weight, so I can look better in class. I was highly motivated by this thought especially when I see the pounds really can came off after those efforts I paid.

It was surprising to see how one success can lead to another, Once I feel better about myself, then I started to rethink my life and dreams, which I never dare to think of.  I’m terrible in dancing and stand at the back, my confidence and self-esteem are crashed to bottom after classes very often.  Nevertheless, I keep pushing myself to attend class as I found it actually bring positive changes/reflections to my life..  Over the years, I gave up things so easily whenever I bump into failure but I told myself not this time.  I want to expose myself to uncomfortable situation so my weakness can be recognized.

Negative things are gossips and comparisons do exists.  This scare me  since I’m very unsociable especially when environment filled with ladies.  I always verbally/emotional bullied thus try my best to stay low-key in class, I don’t want to get into any trouble before I learn how to deal with conflicts.

What I learn from my dance teacher?

He’s from india, who strive to change his life by fighting opportunity to work abroad.  Before I met him, I never think of working abroad or people can actually change their life destiny if they want to.  I was taught to accept what is life throwing to me.  This is how I deal with all family dramas and abusive behaviors.  See a real person who has aspiration for having a better life is very eye-opening to me.  It’s very inspiring and motivated me to re-think my life too.

Yeah, I’ve great crush on him

I have trust issue so have difficult to develop intimate relationship.  Deep down I always attracted to people who is happy, optimistic, confident, spontaneous with courage.  Guess we are attracted to people who has quality that we don’t have but admire.

He is such an energetic, confident guy filled with positive attitude during teaching.  I realized he has a big vision and dare to dream big, and witness how he build up his empire bit by bit in these years.  Sadly, my low self-esteem make me scare of any positive relationship and usually distance myself to people I admire, feel unworthy of attention and love.

I’m Sorry

Realized your eyes start following me.  I knew many times you wanted to approach me but my cool attitude scare you away. I felt your frustrations for not getting attention.  Sorry, but I’m afraid you will find out who I am, my past etc. so all the fantasies fade away.  I rather keep everything in my fantasy than ruining it.

Weird way to motivate myself

Beside of the crush, reason why I stay in class though there are many frustrations is it’s the toughest way to put myself out of comfort zone.  Plus, many beautiful, young girls who dance proudly with confidence.  This further put me into another low level of self-esteem.  But I told myself this is exactly what I need to learn to cope with.

Since young, I was told how ugly, unworthy and unfavorable I am.  I used to hide myself but in reality there’s always someone who is prettier, smarter and better than me.  The best solution is to learn how to deal with my self-esteem issue.

Dancing keep me stay conscious to take good care of myself.  I didn’t care how I look or dress as I thought why bother to take care all these fuss when there’s nobody love me.  Now I think this self-sabotage behavior might drag me further to the drain.

Final thoughts

From time to time, I sensed you want to give up and leave me alone.  I’m sad but understand I can’t angry, otherwise it’s unfair to you.   I am the one who keep distance and avoid eye contacts so I deserve it.

No matter what, I thankful for having you in my life journey.  Thanks for picking my soul up when I was at the lowest point.

Many issues I need to figure out by myself, that’s why I want to keep distance with the one I adore before I cause any harm/hurts to you.

Photo : Unsplash – by Amanda Sandlin

Why I hate those interview red tape

It’s not how far you fall,

but how high you bounce that counts. – Zig ZiglarI

I’ve been looking for job recently, what irritate me usually is not because rejections, but journey of interview.  My performance can be 100% different according to situation – either rated as valuable or a loser.

Application Form, really ?

I’m bored and exhausted for those seemed never-ended, 4,5, 6+ pages long application forms.  Still don’t understand their purposes or wonder if it’s adequate for understanding a candidate.

Aren’t employers already knew background of applicant from their resumes before they were invited for interview? Why applicants should sit in conference room to rewrite everything from their CVs to tiny boxes on the form? Totally waste of time, papers and manpower.

Every time when I was presented a form for completion, can’t control myself but grumble inside then causally write down key points.  It’s disrespect and kind of stupid to treat a potential candidate as a student / kid doing copybooks.

Why my past salary is essential to your decision?

What’s the point for me to list out salary history? So if I earned $5,000 in past, then it’s the guideline for what I should ask for this new job? Can I adjust my expectation according to given status, such as working hours, my interests, prospect and happiness? It’s annoying when I sense interviewers’ facial expressions while calculating how much I worth.

I may ask for more because of job requirements, in reverse, may expect less if working hours are shorter.  What I ask is represent the present situation, what the heck my past salary history doing for.

Test, Test and Test …..

Tests are  acceptable at certain level, but seriously? some of them can take applicants’ hours to finish, e.g. write 1,000 words in English, then 1,000 words in Chinese + translate another 1,000 words article; after that, please go to another room to have computer and internet skills tests, then during interview, English, Chinese and Mandarin oral, plus listening skills tests….oops, don’t you remember there’s a 7 pages application form need to be filled before all these examinations?  It’s so exhausting!

Many times I found these so-called tests are not well-designed for testing out specific skills.  They simply want to make the process LOOK more professional.  It’s essential for many expertise to have tests during elimination, but for general administrative posts, really?

Skills and knowledge can always be equipped / learned once the staff join the company, however personality and attitude need years to be developed.  One who pass all these tests, even with remarkable results are not equivalent to their competence at work.  As long as character/attitude is on right track, why bother manual skills, e.g. typing speed, software skills.  Most of the job advertisements show a potential staff should be independent, mature, well-organised, able to handle pressure or even honest, etc.; which however all these tests are unable to target the needs.

Travel experience vs. working history stability?

Compare to many regular employees, I’m kind of travel quite a lot thus always being judged for not having a stable working history.  This can be a huge issue for many employers as they think my living style is unacceptable.  Our culture praise highly for those who follow rules.  Unlucky, I never fit well to many society norms.  The more I travel and meet new people, the more I realize there are many other ways of living.

To live an ordinary life or find a stable/well-paid job, own car, houses etc. is good for majority of people, but there also have other people who simply want to live their own designed lives, so they don’t care to climb up the ladder of the corporation.

Many employers don’t consider travel can bring invaluable wisdom/experience to an individual, which lead them manage any position with more initiative, creativity than regular candidate, which can make an unique / positive contribution to any company in certain way.  Instead, they rate me as immature, unrealistic or weird.

That’s why I feel so lonely at many working environments.  I respect everyone has his/her own choice of living, I respect people cherish safe and comfort zone life, but why don’t they also accept me to have my own desire/dream of living, without judging me “strange” or lazy?

Don’t be a douchebag/asshole

There were times I came across with so-called management level professionals, who can make a significant decision for my application.  They are so mean, rude and arrogant. I always believe how you treat others represents a lot about your inner self. Though my self-esteem dropped to bottom after meeting them, but at the end I feel glad for not stuck with these jerks in the office.

Final thoughts

Interview is an great opportunity for both parties to meet face to face.  It’s possible you like somebody on paper but feel uncomfortable to talk to in person.  It’s a myth we can get along with everyone and will be tough to spend most of our lives in same environment if can’t get along well with each other.

What’s personality/characteristic of this person? optimistic? open-minded? think-out-of the box or closed-minded? well-driven? At the same time, applicants can take this chance to learn more about the culture of the company and job requirements.

I would say these elements are much more important than individual manual skills and bureaucratic administration.

Photo : Unsplash – By Victor Erixon