Quote of the day # 4 : Blood related vs. Loyalty

Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family.

This may explain why many adopted kids trust their foster parents more, rather than biological family.

Do you think blood related relationship wins all?

Photo credit : Pixabay – fancycrave1

BuckUp # 3 : How to have more confidence

Confidence is what make a person sexy.

One of famous motivational speakers I like is Brendon Burchard.   Felt myself resonate with him easily because he’s not simply delivering thoughts like reading another self-help / self-development books, but very genuine, deep, up-spirit, especially enjoy watching his smile, definitely light up my days.   This make me realize I actually like people who smile a lot. From his videos, not merely learning life skills but also presentation, speaking and persuasion techniques.

His optimistic, energetic energy is so contagious, always lift my spirit up or make me have deep introspection on myself after watching.

“You are the average of 5 person you hang around with”, so if anyone who has difficulties to find mentors in real life like me, it’s a good source to motivate yourself, especially when times need more encouragement, wisdom and insights to get back on horse.

Video credit source : Brendon Burchard

Don’t stop comparing yourself to other people

It’s difficult for us not to comparing ourselves to others, I’m learning but still a lot of work to do.   Understand it’s kind of stupid as there are so many people prettier, better and clever than us – never-ended comparison if we want to.  Don’t consider myself comparing all the times, but occasionally which raise my self- doubts, or lower self-esteem.

How to be beautiful

Maintaining a tidy / approachable outlook and dress appropriate is important according to my experiences, but also believe beautiful is come from within. I came across so many so-called pretty persons but their behaviors / attitudes / personalities disgusted me so I never see them as a beautiful person.   This video is not teaching you how to make up or dress up but mode your inner beauty.

How to have more confidence

Confidence is very important.  I witnessed so many people who are talented but seldom succeed anything because their lack of confidence.  At the same time see confident persons get what they want simply because they believe they can.  Deep down understand I’m not worse than many co-workers / friends according to my knowledge / experience / traits, but my lack of confidence pull me down or sabotage my success / relationships frequently.  Never stop learning and practice this skill.

How to make a great 1st impression

Are you curious why some people can win others’ attention / trust right in the first 5 minutes? Learn from this video and hope you’ll be one of them.

Dealing with difficult times in life

If you are struggling in something now, or if you know anyone who you care / love is going through tough times, share this video with them.

How to become extraordinary

Many people want to be extraordinary right? but how to define extraordinary? Richer? Prettier? What to do to reach the extraordinary level of life?

Closing thoughts

I love absorbing wisdom from different people / background, because nobody can offer us the ultimate answer for all life challenges.  Person A may good at business topic according his / her experiences in the field, but person B may have better insights / strategics on relationships due to their happy marriage or numerous failed past-experiences..  In my opinion, to glorify / fantasize the ONLY ONE mentor is a myth.

How you feel about these videos? Or do you have any other resources that help you to become a better version of you?

Please share and comment.

Photo credit : Pixabay – 873770

5 stages of grief every survivor go through

Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but to start over.

Probably many people heard of “5 stages of grief” after the loss of loved-ones or divorce etc.  According to my personal experience, abused survivors also going through similar healing / grieving process.     It’s not necessary have specific order or time limit for each stage as it depends on individuals’ perception / experiences : some may stuck at certain stage much longer than other stages; jump around or wandering back and forth.

Denial

Human born to have coping mechanism to protect ourselves and eliminate pains / hurts while handling disasters/trauma.   But this habit may sometimes obstruct our objective thinking.   For example, when we are confronted by difficult situation we tend to deny the facts.

It’s common to find wives who deny all evidences indicated from their husband’s affairs, they reject to accept the truth that the so-called good marriage actually ended long time ago; someone who has anger issues reject to see the deep-rooted childhood abused issues.

It’s so scary to admit and dealing with truths so people usually chose to ignore problems.  During this stage, victims feel numb, confused and avoid any hints / signals that obviously seen.  Wives who were betrayed make excuses to rationalize their husbands’ disloyal attitudes in smoothing overwhelming emotions.

Survivors who was abused in childhood may may block out conversations whenever people bring up childhood topics.  I knew it because I was one of them, even until today I still not 100% comfortable to share my childhood stories.  I have chatted with several abused survivors who were raised by toxic / abusive parents, but explained their situations in a oddly calm tone, acted like there’s nothing bad happened to them, or tried very hard to glorify the whole experience.

Victims may isolated, withdraw from friends and society in avoiding reality.  Unfortunately, the more we deny, the longer we delay the healing process.

It took me years to overcome my fears, shame and finally willing to open my heart and eyes to explore more about my situation.  I used to act like a ostrich, who bury my head to the sand.

Anger

When victims were confronted to face the facts, usually not only ignore and deny, but also the most common initial emotion that emerged is anger.

I used to misunderstood this emotion but now realize “anger” is just a mask of many hidden emotions, e.g. fear, shame, frustration, anxiety, worry, etc.   Very often, when people were embarrassed, their uncontrollable anger will be burst out irrationally.  Obviously, it’s much easy to put the blame to others than unmasking / dealing the truth.

People can feel angry and throw temper to their friends, loved-ones, outsiders : common TV episodes showed family members yell, scream to doctors / nurses who were failed to heal their significant others / loved ones; when a friend point out how abusive their partner are, or disclose their partners’ cheating behaviors, etc.  wives / husbands will get angry towards these supporting friends for judging their personal lives.

In some other cases, victims can get angry on their own selves for making stupid mistakes and decisions, e.g picked the wrong person to marry.  I experienced an extreme angry phrase years ago, though I seldom project my anger to others but tend to bury all these frustration inward.  There’s no suitable words can be used to describe my feelings, it’s just like a huge fire burning inside and there’s nothing I can do to calm it down.  I was so furious for myself for being naive, listen to abuser’s comments and orders; angry at myself for not able to be brave, speak out and stand up for myself.

Bargaining

At this stage, victims try to resolve and control the situation, which is clarified as the weakest stage by many professionals. It’s because people who reach this status are willing to do everything in order to postpone, amend any mistakes that made, or change the situation.

For example, many people may spend huge amount of money on different alternative treatments after they were diagnosed from serious illness.   A wife who is suffering from domestic violence / narcissistic abused may seek out spiritual healers, have new superstitious belief about their past-lives, current relationships etc.

Victims will try to make a deal or promise, do anything to take away those pains and problems.  They are hungry for information, jump around asking for helps / advice from their friends / family, e.g. buy expensive clothes / cosmetics in order to attract their men back.  “Please tell me what to do and I will do anything” is a sign for people at this stage, they willing to compromise and make any changes to make things happen.

When I look back to my life, there’s time I was SO hungry for any information / knowledge I can be found.  Now I understand I was in panic mode, trying my every effort to dig out the ultimate solution which can lift me up to the ground from the bottom. I was crazy and spent hours and hours to join numerous courses, books and seminars.   I’m still eager to learn all healing techniques but now is more reasonable and time manageable.  Absorb information more wisely.

Depression

Victims at this stage feeling hopeless, helplessness, vulnerable, unmotivated and there seem nothing can be done to fix the problems.  This is the time people give up, depressed or easily indulged in destructive behaviors / habits, e.g. substance abuse, eating disorder or gambling, etc.

Some may upset for wasting such a lot of time on a wrong person; depressed for wasting so much money buying luxury things for their loved-one, shamed for not speaking up about their sexual abused stories by relatives / family members.

I picked up binge-eating to smooth my emotions / anger and frustration.  I thought I never have depression but now with a more clear mentality, noticed that I was actually suffered from PTSD and depression for years, though symptoms were not severe because I mainly eat for my emotions.  This is definitely not a good coping mechanism but at least it distract me from touching another destructive behavior.   When things go right, I was doing OK, but when flashbacks and emotions dived in, my daily life can be collapsed completely for days, weeks or even months.

Acceptance

After going through all denial, mourning moments, survivors will reach the stage accept facts.  They started to face the situation bravely and listen to others’ comments / suggestions.

A female / male who was finally accepted they were actually betrayed by partners will start to search for professional help, e.g. marriage counselling, or accept the reality of such relationship already ended so they move on.  An abused survivor start to accept what actually happened in the past and will strive to heal from abusive experience, e.g. start to eat healthy, exercise or get rid of destructive behaviors.  They explore new plans and options to start a new chapter of life.

Closing thoughts

According to my own experience, anyone who go through any kinds of traumatic events should cut themselves some slacks.   Healing and coping loss is a very unique / personal experience. Outsiders can never fully understand what you been through and doubt about your emotions reactions to certain things.

Please allow yourself to grieve naturally according to your own tempo.  Cry, yell and depressed when you need, but just make sure you get back to the horse with more strength and wisdom.

Photo credit : Pixabay – techzia

Quote of the day # 3 : Scapegoating

Scapegoating is a form of abuse & bullying occurs in the place

you should feel most safe – your family.

– Glynis Sherwood

Are you familiar with this term? How you feel about it?

Photo credit : Pixabay – Greyerbaby

How long it takes to heal a broken heart ?

“In tragedy, it’s hard to find a good resolution,

it’s not black and white, but a big fog of gray.”

 – Paul Dano

I can’t help but my heart sink while watching below video : a homeless man plays piano (Come Sail Away) he found at street, this bring me have an urge to write about common myths of healing after traumatic events.

Story Behind

Donald Gould, a 51 year old guy started played piano as a kid and later in US Marine Corps. Studied music at University since he wanted to teach music.

In 1998, his wife died unexpectedly – he was totally lost and hit rock bottom of his life.  Not only started struggling with substance abuse but also lost custody of his only 3 years old son.  He became homeless and live in the street for years.

This until one day he found a piano at street and was videotaped by a passerby, who posted it online thus he became famous suddenly

Pain is uniquely personal experience

People who never experienced traumatic events, e.g. abused / tragedy will have difficulties to fully understand why and how it takes so long for victims to heal (or so-called “get over it”).

Truth is every human is so unique, different person experience same event is not necessary behave or react the same.  Some people survived from accidents/disasters may move on easily and quickly, but other survivors may suffer from PTSD or depression.  The way how individual respond to incidents are various and can be affected by many other internal / external factors, e.g. characteristics, family background, past experiences, support systems etc.  Numerous unpredictable elements will alter how different individual coping with grief, loss or pain.

In my opinion, it’s unfair to judge any individual’s own experiences according to our own perception.  We are not that person, or if when we never experience the same situation, it’s impossible to imagine how exactly it cause their pains.  Simply throwing irresponsible comments such as “that person can move on after that incident, why can’t you?” is unhelpful.

Healing process can’t speed up

Many outsiders primary have good intentions to support victims, hope to round things up quickly. To protect and stop victims continuing indulge in hurtful feelings / memories, they may try to weaken the seriousness of trauma, comforting survivors by saying “past is past, let’s move on, or even more worse blame-the victim by saying “I told you so…”., etc.  Or never bring up the matters again, in their philosophy “out of sight, out of mind’.

Unfortunately, the most damage that any traumatic events bring to a person is not only physical but more importantly are emotional and psychological effects.  Physical wounds can be seen and healed over times, but emotional scars are invisible and difficult to set a timer on it.

Anyone who experienced an abusive relationship / history or other kinds of trauma will experience “frozen moments”.  They can walk, speak and live like a normal personal psychically but psychologically act like a zombie wandering around without soul.

Healing needs time, but how much time is enough? We can never get the clear answer because every individual survivor is so unique, each one healing schedule is so different.  Terrible consolation to an abused survivor is asking them to pull themselves together.    Some take weeks, months, and others may need years or even a lifetime.

That’s why law sentenced abusers (child molesters, child abusers, human traffickers etc) severely because it’s not about physical damages but uncountable emotional / psychological turmoils that survivors need to carry years after trauma.

What not-to-do

Push survivors to heal without honoring their own schedule or blame the victim can never help victims.  In fact, the more you push the more they shut down and scare away.  They just not ready yet and need time to figure things out on their own speed / agenda.

Many survivors may feel the guilt / shame for not forgiving / healing as quickly as possible, or have pressure of being judge as “too sensitive”, “over-thinking”, so they act like nothing happened, cover up wounds, swallow anger / sadness / frustration inward.  All so-called helps may simply adding salt to the wound

Closing thoughts

Above mentioned guy obviously experienced traumatic event on his life.  He might has personal issues originally but his wife’s death was a trigger that lead his life go further south afterwards.  It’s sad to see a talent person reached that point  I can imagine one who gave up his life in such great degree was suffering from a tremendous grief of loss.

This story indicated how big impact of trauma can do us, and how little we do as support system.

How you feel about the story of this man?

Photo credit : Unsplash

Change your adult attachment style to have a lovely relationship (Part 2)

Every time you’re tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past, or a pioneer of the future? 

– Deepak Chopra

This is part 2 of adult attachment style.

Anyone who never had experience of growing up from dysfunctional / toxic / abusive family, they just don’t have clear clues how painful, confused and disorientate it can be.  I can’t emphasize enough it’s very important to educate public, especially primary caretakers as the way they raise their child will definitely alter his / her every aspect of life.

Not as causal as many outsiders think, or simply throw sentences : “past is past, let’s move on!”, “Don’t cry on spilled milk”.   Once an individual’s self-belief, self-image and self-confidence etc was damaged / distorted, it needs lots more of time / energy / methods to heal the wounds than don’t make it happen at the first place.

Dismissive attachment style

If a child is rejected / betrayed continually by parents, raising in a toxic, lack of love, care environment, he / she will have difficulties to develop maturely.  As times goes by, they learn to mother themselves independently during the development process.  They managed to disconnect from parents and environment,  shut down emotions or ask for help in order to limit those harmful / hurtful feelings / emotions.  The whole time they are in survival mode, tackle all life challenges by themselves and realized that it’s better not relying on others, even parents.  People can’t be trust.

Sadly, this unhealthy relationship pattern is prolonged to adulthood.  People of this type are very detached from people and environment.  They feel more comfortable and safer to do everything alone, don’t consider the necessity and importance of close relationship with others.  Besides, they view relationships never last long, or are dangerous / hurtful.  They worry things out of their control and love to live on their own terms.  In such, they don’t need to deal with disappointments, rejections or emotions that potentially evolved with companion.  They seem so “COLD” like a zombie.

They may jump from relationships to relationships as simply a thought of long-lasting relationship already scare them away, or prefer long-distance relationship because it won’t consume all their energy / attention in which they never willing to sacrifice 100% because of the fear of failure in relationship.  Since they don’t have great desire of closeness with others, they will never have motivation to figure out what’s the problem and solution – feeling everything just fine.

A female solo-traveler I met on the road years ago was exactly belong to this type : very independent, tough and love to do everything on her own.  She doesn’t care hanging around with other fellow travelers and reacted extremely sensitive, always worrying that other travelers or locals took advantage from her.  Similar to me, she had a difficult childhood and guess that’s the reason we bound to each other so quickly at the beginning.  But after spending some time traveled with her, I felt so exhausted mentally, end up we argued and split up.

I quite understand why she suppress her feelings / emotions, but it’s just too difficult to relate to someone who was so isolated, rejected to open up her thoughts/ideas while planning itinerary.  People with dismissive adult attachment style tend to avoid conflict / stress by distancing themselves.

Preoccupied

In our society, people are praised and judged according to how much money, what title they hold etc.  This give excuses for people of this type to chase their success, fame, reputation even further without critics.  In fact, they are very self-critical, insecure, low self-esteem thus need continued attention, approval and reassurance from others.  No matter how success, beautiful or wealthy they are, the internal never-ended self-doubts and comparisons are killing them.

They hungry for so-called achievements at the expense of other’s benefits, e.g. families harmony or own health.  At surface, such over-work pattern project an image of diligent, industrious but the truth is they love to be admired, complimented and always worrying one day their status will be faded.  In order to maintain their current positions/status, they work even more hours or skipping more friends/family events.

Not saying that working hard is bad but there’s a fine line.  According to psychology, anyone who put everything on one basket signaling something wrong, e.g. sex / drug addiction, over-work, probably trying to escape from something that afraid to confront, e.g. a bad marriage or a lonely / boring life.

There are another group of people from this type, who don’t care much about money or career etc, but addict to relationships.  Deep inside, they have low self-esteem and don’t believe they are worthy enough to have a good relationship, thus always worry and afraid being rejected / betrayed by others.  Because of the fear, they keep an eye / ears on their partners all time, very clingy, needy or overly dependent with their friends / partners, e.g. excessive calling, texting. They are willing to do everything pleasing their partners / friends in exchanging of care and attention.

People with healthy boundary have a balance between relationships : maintain an intimate / close relationships with others while owing their own lives, hobbies, personal time.  Unfortunately, people with preoccupied attachment style have problems to smooth their inner insecurities without react desperately in their relationships.

Closing thoughts

Doesn’t mean we will stuck in same style forever, but attachment theory giving us some guidance, showing how our behaviors / thoughts are influenced.  Research shows that it’s difficult for individuals to change from one attachment style to another, unless an individual alert to the problems and willing to make changes on their own wishes – to break through the unhealthy pattern.

Secure attachment type is the most healthy personality and we should surround ourselves with them more.   Besides, work on developing our self-confidence, self-image issues and learning more about relationships.  Sure It needs to take lots of practice and effort, since unlearning wrong patterns to re-build a healthy one takes time and courage.

And if you are secure type, please be patience and don’t being too pushy to your partners / friends (in case they are dismissive/avoidant or preoccupied).    The more you push the more you’ll drive them away, they’ll getting more nervous and panic which end up push them back to their caves.   Once an individual shut down it’ll be more difficult to help them.  Show yourself as example of what is healthy relationship means, they might not saying anything but actually peeking on your behaviors/attitude, when they’re ready they’ll change and make a difference because you prove them how life and relationship can be so lovely.

Do you know anyone belongs to these types? how you feel and handle?

Photo credit : Shaun Dunphy

Quote of the day # 2 : Dysfunctional home

Children in Dysfunctional homes at risk of abuse are kept in danger for too long, because politically correct rules we won’t challenge unfit parents.

– Michael Gove

Do you agree?

Photo credit : Pixabay : Skitterphoto

BuckUp # 2 : How to attract a Great Guy

You attract what you put out there.

Same as many abused survivors, we never learn a healthy way to communicate.  What I found many survivors have difficulties to establish a healthy relationship with others, either getting too needy, insecure, co-dependent or become very defense, avoidance, build a huge wall surround themselves from hurts / harms, at the cost of ruining potential friendships or other relationships.

I’m one of them so always look for resources to learn from others’ perspectives / insights.  It’s not necessary always the famous speakers, sometimes I’m more related to those who share their wisdom based on their own personal experiences.  I feel it’s more real and persuasive than those who simply sharing their thoughts like a speech, without real experience.

Video Source credit : Joe Amoia

How to attract a great guy

Many people were in relationships but unhappy.  They may sell short to settle for someone who’s not that great, but simply because they are lonely and need someone around.  We got to learn how to attract the right one.

Is it OK for a guy to look at other woman?

This is a tricky one for many women and universal problem I guess.  You may feel more relax when your men look at other corner in future after watching this video.

Is jealous ruining your Love Life?

I’m jealous and don’t think I can get rid of this completely.  But comparing to some other women, I’m still in “under-control” mode.  Jealous is actually a reflection of how you see yourself.    Today I understand when I jealous someone, it’s not because they are better, greater or whatsoever, but it represents what’s lack in me and I want to own the same thing.

3 things which drive men away

There should have more but this video make it simple to list only 3.  See if you hit one of them?

How to communicate to a guy in a healthy way?

Even myself, as a woman, I found annoyed and irritated by some of behaviors / words women expressed sometimes. Some may act like “mothers” – nagging, complaining and guiding / teaching their men constantly.  Others may act like “princesses” always need to be loved, glorified, look after.  Both types are very exhausted to be around if I’m a guy.

Closing thoughts

We learned history, art or English etc. from school, but no official school for us to learn how to love / establish relationship. Unfortunately, I found many unhappiness / frustrations are originally from individual’s mindset.

Always amazed by how much time, effort and money people spent on learning how to equip certain technique / skills for their work, investments, but don’t care as much as love, relationship issues.  Money / success / fame can never compare to the level of true happiness that a harmony relationships bring us.

How you handle the situations for above ?

Photo credit :  Pixabay –  macadam13

Psychological Bias and Abuse (1)

People only see what they’re prepared to see.

According to psychology theory, human perception are easily be distorted frequently.  Understanding what irrational thoughts running in our head, not only general people but especially for abused survivors can be helpful during healing journey.

Psychological / cognitive bias lead individuals making inaccurate judgments, illogical interpretation about the world, own-selves or people surrounded.

Confirmation Bias

Don’t you realize people have tendency to hang around with people who have similar thoughts, interests, who agree with us more? As per old sayings : “like attracts alike”; or “you don’t need to approach someone to understand them, instead, their circle of friends can tell you more honestly about this person.

Conversely, human nature tend to resist, feel uncomfortable to  connect with people who disagree, different from our points of views / values.  End up, we found ourselves keep fueling pre-existing belief / perspectives while ignoring comments that benefit to us.

If an abused survivor believe “this is it”, it’s his / her fate being mistreated / humiliated / abused in certain way, this is their supposed destinies etc.  Then they will never have desire to look for better person who treat them nicely and respectfully. No matter what they gone through, they trust good people are exist in the world and they have power to chose / seek for help, reliable friends or another half, though it might take longer time or lots of effort to break through old-aged bias.

Sadly, if an abused survivor are crowded / trapped in distorted bias, e.g. woman are born to be submissive, all men are untrustworthy etc according to their experience, then surely will have higher chance to connect those who repeat the history: abusing them physically, emotionally or psychologically.   Self-limited beliefs are so strong that can demotivate individuals searching for resources / support systems for healing.  Instead, more indulge to information / hints that support and confirm their bias.

Certainly, confirmation bias will prevent individuals think logically / objectively about their situations.  They believe what they believe and will find evidence to prove their points, as a result making more wrong life decisions.

Fundamental Attribution Error

Human nature have coping mechanism protecting our self-ego and self-esteem.  It’s essential at certain level but in many situations, this common cognitive bias will affect our perception on success / failure etc.

Remember the first time I learned this bias, it’s kind of funny to me as I found lots of examples from my daily life.  Of course nowadays I’m more alerted to circumstances when it happens, especially interested to see how others react with this principle too.

This bias proving a common tendency that human love to blame others or external factors when things go wrong, e.g. abusers / narcissistic / toxic people selfishly put blame on others for their own faults / flaws, claiming that the root of problems are another person’s behaviors, reactions, thus they have rights and excuse to yell, abuse etc.  Other common scenarios such as : women got raped because they dress inappropriate, domestic violence exists due to wife / husband didn’t do what their second half asked / expected.  It’s now we well-known as “victim-blaming” symptom.

Ironically, in other times people love judging others according to numerous stereotypes / norms, e.g. age, race, culture, appearance, or something related to that person’s personality / characteristics / traits, etc.  Real environment / external influence are under-estimated or never be considered, e.g. rape victims should responsible for how they dress; victims of accidents should always responsible for what happened to their driving skills though it’s actually due to poor weather / road condition that moment.

People proud to comment success to their own efforts or own abilities / capabilities, e.g. narcissists don’t appreciate supporting staffs or any other contribution / efforts during the process of success, but interpret these as their own talents. Strangely, the other times same toxic bosses will blame their staffs as the problems of incapable staffs if there’s any company losses.  They deserved to be yelled, scolded or verbally abused but never thought about his / her own leadership skills.

How we perceive the cause of success / failure will definitely affect how we interact with others, which in turn affect all relationships, our happiness and many aspects of life fulfillment.  If we always feel it’s another person’s fault, we will never have the need to self-examine, self-reflect on our behaviors and attitudes, thus we can never grow.  Of even if we success at work with lots of money, we can never be truly happy without healthy relationships.

Closing thoughts

I’m still struggling and applying any new knowledge I’ve learned to my life.

I used to have these cognitive bias but now understand it’s important to destroy them, every time when similar thoughts come up my mind, I question my thoughts more often and keep on comparing the pros and cons within.

So have you ever trapped by these 2 common psychological bias?  Are you conscious about your thoughts and behaviors?

Quote of the day # 1 : Scapegoaters

Scapegoaters are insecure people,

who try to raise their own status by lower their targets’ status

– Glynis Sherwood

Do you agree that people who love to step over others are insecure ? Low self-esteem etc.?

Photo credit : Pixabay – Nissar