Childhood trauma affects individual across a lifetime

Scientific findings on Childhood Trauma

Watched a TED talk lately, in which describing how childhood trauma can affect individual health tremendously across the lifespan.

Though I knew it’s essential to learn / grab information to enhance my healing process – not acknowledge the situation or hide from it doesn’t mean it will go away or doesn’t exist – but I always feel sad to read or watch this kind of scientific research about childhood trauma.   Many findings are resonate to me.

Life struggles

As an abused (survivor), I knew how difficult to get over all the hurt memories/triggers as flashbacks strike me hardly from time to time.  I may feel alright at this moment then suddenly feel terrible miserable according to what memories come to my mind.

Nobody can understand fully if they have never experienced the abused so that’s why many victims learned to shut down emotions. It can be even worsen to share with someone who don’t get the ideas about trauma, than keep all secrets by themselves.  The healing journey is tough especially when you are experiencing things that are taboos in society, victims can be feel very lonely even surrounded by friends.  This is exactly how I feel for a long time.

Low self-worth issue 

I’m kind of stuck in depressed mode lately.  Not only deal with regular triggers/flashbacks but also my negative emotions towards the one I secretly admired for several years.  He tries to attract my attention and chasing me for a long time but I just can’t manage the intimacy.  I don’t trust people easily because of my abused background, feel scare to be hurt thus usually keep an great distance from people.  Understand this is unhealthy coping mechanism but I still learning how to manage this self-destructive behavior.

The more I discovered his greatness, the more I feel low about my self-worth thus the more I afraid to let him get close to me.  Emotionally, I want to disappear forever then I don’t need to deal with all the emotion turmoils inside; but rationally I knew it’s essential for my healing journey, it gives me motivation to become a better self everyday.

Final thoughts

I hope more people will understand how childhood trauma can affect an individual’s entire life.  Take it serious, be alerted what not to do and what should do to every child.  It’s easily to prevent than heal the wound.  And for those who were abused / maltreated from childhood.  May we hold hands together, have courage and wisdom continuously to heal.

Photo credit : Pixabay

Let go of the Shame

What you can’t say owns you; What you hide controls you.

Shame is my buddy

What I remembered, my mom was unhappy most of the time.  Because of her miserable childhood and was then abused by relatives when she immigrated from her birth place to live under the roof of them.  This is how she met my Dad then jump into marriage within short period of time.  Marriage was an escape for her though it might jumped from one hell to another hell.

I was verbally and physically abused by her regularly because of her unstable emotional status.  I was brutally beat by all sorts of tools can be found at house, but when you were young, you can’t escape anywhere (many times I was tied to the window).  Besides physical, I was also mentally and emotional abused, my mom is very creative for humiliating people.  But as mentioned, when you were young without any close friends to compare with, it’s impossible to realize it’s not a norm.

It was tough but whenever I think back, it’s not as damage as what I was suffered after she run away from the family.  She is a person who can’t control her emotion / temper but treat me nicely when mentally stable.  At least she built me a strong foundation of personal value, good and bad, in which save me from trouble afterwards.  I have the potential to reach the even worst situation while struggling all traumas by my own.  It’s true we never have a strong mom-daughter relationship but she is the one who treated me the BEST in this family anyway.

Shame about my parents’ divorce

30 years ago, divorce is very rare in comparing to nowadays society.  Thus when my parents divorced especially my mom disappeared completely, it’s a huge shame for me.  I kept the secret from my friends at school (though not many friends actually) as I was afraid to be judged / teased.  I was shamed for not having lunch boxes that prepared by mom like other school kids. Not only school, but also there are many curious neighbors started to notice the absence of my mom so I need to answer numerous questions that I don’t want to or don’t know how to.  I usually turn away whenever I spotted them from distance.

Shame to replace my mom role

I was very sad and felt deprived for not able to have the life I was supposed to live as a teenager because of family situation.  I had no choice but need to replace my mom role to take care everything at home.  I was forced to grow up so fast within short period of time.  It was confused, helpless because I was not only taking care of myself but also needed to nurture little sister, who was only few years old when my mom run away.  It’s extremely a irresponsible act as a parent but there’s nobody I can blame for.  I was brain-washed to give up all my dreams or desire but pick up all responsibilities which was not supposed mine.  Nobody asked my opinion about the birth of my sister, if I knew I was the one to pick up the mess then I should be informed properly at first place.

Shame for my verbal / emotional abuse

I didn’t miss my mom much since we were not that close anyway.  But if comparing with my abusive dad, she is the best I met in family.  My Dad is a psychopath, immature, selfish, manipulating and narcissistic.  He wears the mask perfectly thus nobody know his truth.

Like other narcissistic parent, he carry a nice image : nice, generous, caring, etc. outside the house.  I was so sick of his role acting so hate to listen his speech / conversation with others.  Who knows such a nice acting man will become another horrible guy at home?  He’s short tempered, abusive and mean.  I tried very hard but still fail to forget all humiliations he put on me.  Frequent flashbacks drive me crazy, his cruel comments / judgments lead me to depressed mode from time to time.  I had to learn to shut down my emotions or keep myself busy in order to get rid of these hurtful memories.

Now I learned from many psychologists / professionals’ articles that he projected his weakness / loathe / failure onto me. The more he hate and feel insecure about himself, the more he will humiliate others as this is the way to make them feel good about themselves.  It’s how he get ride of his own blames by transferring them to others.

Shame for sexual abuse

When I was a kid, there were blurred memories my dad came to my room molested me.  But the situation gone worst since my mom run away.  He abused me verbally and mentally and talked me bad in front of sisters, create a fence and distance me from sisters.  Then he created many rumors in front of other relatives so people believe how bad I am.  This further cut my support systems since I don’t have too many friends due to the non-stopped chaos at home.  I pick up the role of family “scapegoat”.

Reasons why I never respect him because I hate his distrustful tactics.  When I lack of supports then he can fool me around as he wished.  He started to molest me whenever he want without showing any remorse.  And started to treat me badly to prove that if I want to gain his attention / love / caring, I better obey him as much as he wants.

I was confused and scared and didn’t know how to handle the situation.  Am I too over-reacting? Shall I scream?   I felt extremely uncomfortable and devastated every time he sexually abused me.  As I growing old, the knowledge I gained from media and newspapers etc. proved that I am victim of physical, mental, sexual and domestic abused

I started to feel furious and depressed.  Tried to commit suicide and lost the motivation to live my life.  The anger is huge because I was betrayed by my family members.  Not only my dad but my sisters and relatives, family’s friends are all ignored my situation.  My sisters just care their own privilege because the more worst I am suffering, the better benefit they get from my abuse.  Many times I screamed loudly inside and cried for the whole night until my eyes can’t open up as they were swallowed.  I was blamed for everything, I don’t have right to fight or argue back, or blamed for being too sensitive.  Fortunately I was not totally naive thus able to stop my dad getting any further for several situations (he can rape / induce me into sex acts), otherwise my trauma can become even worst than now.

Same as many other sexual abused survivors, I felt extremely shame for my sexual abuse.  I don’t want to let anyone know because I don’t know how to explain how come my Dad will do this to me, his biological daughter.

Shame for being left alone

My dad never earn my respect.  Outsiders will think I’m such a rebellious / repenting daughter with too many issues.   Who knows the truth? It’s simply because I am not good at (or hate) acting.  The more he use different despicable tricks to show me his power, the more I look down on him.

He’s not a good husband so his wife willing to give up everything and run away.  He’s also not a good parent because he simply transfer all his responsibility to me.  Everyday when he stepped into home, he became a king and only ordered this and that, to sit, sleep and eat.  I was the one who run from here and there to serve him like a servant.  If I refuse to do or doing not properly, he will blame me for being lazy or humiliated me with swear / abusive words, which end up stamped on my heart forever.  It hurts so much when your dad insult you.  Of course he can’t called as dad because no father on earth will sexually abuse his daughter.

He’s a psychopath so never do introspection.  Like other abusers, he break all my support system not only create rumors about me in front of others, but I was kick out from family celebrations.  Nobody celebrate my birthdays or uninvited for reunions.  This is the way he shows his power, to show me that if I don’t follow his rules, I will never gain his care/attention.  I don’t really care actually.  It’s better to stay alone at home rather than pretending we are good family to others.  Though it hurts a lot and I cried so much every time secretly.  How cruel they are!

Shame for simply being a human

The common tactic narcissistic / abusive parent used in dysfunctional family is : to create rumors about that “scapegoat” and spread it openly everywhere.  This help others to believe there are reasons I was not be loved or cared because I am a bad person at family.

But those who understand the dynamic of dysfunctional family will understand usually the “scapegoat” in the family is the one who actually see the truth behind the good-looking family.  I am the one who refuse to follow the sick path thus shaken this toxic system in the family.

I lived in the dark hole for such a long time, never have courage to disclose or tell the truth.  Everyone believe I’m the one who should blame for all the problems and relatives dislike me too.  But now I understand the importance of speaking the truth, not only for justice but for my own mental health.

Over the years, I swallowed so many secrets / angers that make me depressed and suffered from PTSD.  I always want to live my own life but my mental status not allow me to do so.  But recently, I spent great efforts to get back to track, to rebuild myself, to get stronger, as I finally realize the first step to heal is to speak up, this is the way I admit the situation before I can fully be honest to myself and the world.  I never able to establish a healthy strong relationships with others because there are so many things I don’t want to tell. I felt like others will not like me once they found out my background.

I am getting stronger and braver everyday thus lead me to start this blog.  But if I can do it again, I will not keep all these as my own secrets because I sabotage myself so much for so long……I was trapped by lots of my self-destructive behaviors. It’s not worth it but further lead me to a very depressed status.

Final thoughts

I carried so many shame over years, wish I can live freely without shame one day. I’m not the one who abuse and doing bad things, why should I feel guilty and shame for others’ faults? I have more to learn.

Photo credit : Pixabay

I’m attracted to psychopathic bosses

 The root of all evil is abuse of power – Patricia Cornwell

I know there are many talented applicants in the market so never consider myself as the “super-class” / irreplaceable employee.  But after work with numerous people who work at similar positions as I have, I really have confident to rate myself as a valuable staff and can make positive contribution to many companies.  People who take senior positions or earning high salary simply because they stay at same position very long.

Where are good / reasonable boss?

Got few job offers lately but sadly I was either kicked out or make my own decision to quit.   From time to time, I doubt if I expect too much.  Not mentioning the job responsibilities or never ended working hours, many bosses I reported to were narcissism or even can be classified as psychopath.  I always feel it’s easy to deal with daily routines than handling all sorts of abusive/non-sense/BS and offensive behaviors.  I hate to say this but it looks like people are not as kind/considerate as it used to be.  Not expecting a saint, but it’s kind of difficult to find a reasonable or someone I do respect to work with nowadays.  It seems that not too many bosses understand the way they treat their staffs, will end up lead them to success / failure.

For example, the one I just quit last week : She is a mean and old woman, with terrible personality that make over 50 staffs resigned from the company for the last year.  I was alerted when I knew over 20 staffs were taking my position, not sure what happened or the truth, but once I start to work with her, I noticed her abusive/narcissistic behaviors.  Totally a torture!  She kept on complaining this and that, e.g. wondering why she can’t good staff.  Seems that she never reflect herself from the past as she is the one who should blamed for.

Glad I do have some knowledge of psychopaths/narcissistic absorbed via numerous blogs/articles/podcasts over years due to my abused family background.  The moment I met this old lady boss, I knew somethings wrong but not sure how to address in words.  During the whole interview, she spent 90% of the time to complain/black-mouth her staffs, how bad and stupid they are, lack of responsibilities etc. etc.  At the surface, she acted politely, nicely and reasonably so I guess her explanations has points, until I worked with her.

Being Mean

She is not a bad person I assume, who proudly claim herself as christian.  But according to my experience in just 4 days :  I witness how she re-act extremely sensitive to very small stuffs, always scream, scold and humiliate staff for minor mistakes, or even there are many times it’s not the fault of staffs, but she simply look for a target to scold at.  She never use foul language but her speech is so hash/sarcastic/rude, verbally abuse us so we no longer feel motivated to perform well.  We learned to keep quiet, stay alert like walking on the eggshell all the times.

Gossip Queen

Another huge flaw of her is love to talk bad behind people.   First of all, from 9:00-7:00 everyday, she seems never feel happy for anything or anyone.  Anything happen will become a tragedy in her eyes;  anyone who stand in front of her or raise up any ideas/opinions will become her target to scold with.  Then she loves to gossip person A in front of person B, then gossip person B in front of person A.  Her habit confused me a lot as I don’t know when is she telling the truth or if she can be trusted.  The one who talk people bad in front of me, I can guarantee she/he will do the same in front of others about me.  That scare me!

I started to feel headache whenever I met her as she is the one who always interrupt my work for non-sense critics/judgments about others.  This attitude also create many mistrust among colleagues because we never know who will betray who, in order to gain the attention/benefit from the boss.

Look at me, I’m so Great!

She also an arrogant/selfish person.  Always disturb us from routines to hear her success/greatness : e.g. how she never as a staff because the first day she walk in the market is boss already; how her company/reputation is so famous that attracted so many big brands; how she never wear the same cloth everyday, how success / high educated of her friends are, etc. etc. bragging and bragging….. I was so tired of hearing her boast.

Useless meetings

She loves meetings!! What major points to be discussed is basically how bad for a staff (scapegoat) at certain situation..  That’s my second day at work so I just sat quietly and nodes occasionally without inputs.  Whole situation is extremely unprofessional and waste of time/resources.  We can actually work effectively with this 2 hours’ waste.  This pattern is common and used to have TWO meetings every week because she loves to share her FEELINGS and non-sense opinions from time to time.  That’s the reason for our overtime work.

And because of her big ego, she never admit her own mistakes.  I never want to finger point any wrong doers but it’s exhausted to deal with blames that was not belongs to myself all the times.   That’s suck!

What I learned

If I want to succeed, I need to surround myself with people I admire and the environment must be align with my goal.  I must be humble, willing to listen others’ opinions so I can improve continuously.

I found my self-esteem is actually improving.  If all these happening 5 years ago, I will simply accept my situation and don’t know how to get out of the trap.  Not saying I reach the best but at least I acknowledge the problem and give myself other choice.  I am more conscious nowadays to set health boundaries and choose my environment.  There’s a saying “We are the average of 5 people we hang around with”.

Photo credit : Unsplash – by Rayi Christian Wicaksono

My Dance Teacher save my life

If fear didn’t exist, I’d run up to you, kiss you and tell you that I love you.

Such title sounds a bit over-rated but it’s the truth.

Surviving through all non-sense, abused experiences make me completely lost for a long period of time.  I simply stay alive, not living my life. Without supports and adequate knowledge, I was 100 pounds overweight, completely out-of-shaped, extremely low self-esteem/self-worth, lack of motivation to live my dream, dress terribly, confused and depressed most of awake time.  At that point, I really don’t know how my life will head to, in fact, I gave up myself since the so-called healing journey is too difficult to handle.

Then, fate lead me to meet my dance teacher.  Coupons are included in monthly gym membership so my initial intention was straight forward : don’t waste money I paid for.  I always want to lose weight but I had emotional eating issue, this self-sabotage habit is the most comfortable defense mechanism I used since young especially when emotions are too overwhelmed.

Dancing suddenly introduced to my life and attracted my attention immediately.  This is a very new experience for me.  I started to care how I look and dress; I started to eat healthy and exercise more to lose weight, so I can look better in class. I was highly motivated by this thought especially when I see the pounds really can came off after those efforts I paid.

It was surprising to see how one success can lead to another, Once I feel better about myself, then I started to rethink my life and dreams, which I never dare to think of.  I’m terrible in dancing and stand at the back, my confidence and self-esteem are crashed to bottom after classes very often.  Nevertheless, I keep pushing myself to attend class as I found it actually bring positive changes/reflections to my life..  Over the years, I gave up things so easily whenever I bump into failure but I told myself not this time.  I want to expose myself to uncomfortable situation so my weakness can be recognized.

Negative things are gossips and comparisons do exists.  This scare me  since I’m very unsociable especially when environment filled with ladies.  I always verbally/emotional bullied thus try my best to stay low-key in class, I don’t want to get into any trouble before I learn how to deal with conflicts.

What I learn from my dance teacher?

He’s from india, who strive to change his life by fighting opportunity to work abroad.  Before I met him, I never think of working abroad or people can actually change their life destiny if they want to.  I was taught to accept what is life throwing to me.  This is how I deal with all family dramas and abusive behaviors.  See a real person who has aspiration for having a better life is very eye-opening to me.  It’s very inspiring and motivated me to re-think my life too.

Yeah, I’ve great crush on him

I have trust issue so have difficult to develop intimate relationship.  Deep down I always attracted to people who is happy, optimistic, confident, spontaneous with courage.  Guess we are attracted to people who has quality that we don’t have but admire.

He is such an energetic, confident guy filled with positive attitude during teaching.  I realized he has a big vision and dare to dream big, and witness how he build up his empire bit by bit in these years.  Sadly, my low self-esteem make me scare of any positive relationship and usually distance myself to people I admire, feel unworthy of attention and love.

I’m Sorry

Realized your eyes start following me.  I knew many times you wanted to approach me but my cool attitude scare you away. I felt your frustrations for not getting attention.  Sorry, but I’m afraid you will find out who I am, my past etc. so all the fantasies fade away.  I rather keep everything in my fantasy than ruining it.

Weird way to motivate myself

Beside of the crush, reason why I stay in class though there are many frustrations is it’s the toughest way to put myself out of comfort zone.  Plus, many beautiful, young girls who dance proudly with confidence.  This further put me into another low level of self-esteem.  But I told myself this is exactly what I need to learn to cope with.

Since young, I was told how ugly, unworthy and unfavorable I am.  I used to hide myself but in reality there’s always someone who is prettier, smarter and better than me.  The best solution is to learn how to deal with my self-esteem issue.

Dancing keep me stay conscious to take good care of myself.  I didn’t care how I look or dress as I thought why bother to take care all these fuss when there’s nobody love me.  Now I think this self-sabotage behavior might drag me further to the drain.

Final thoughts

From time to time, I sensed you want to give up and leave me alone.  I’m sad but understand I can’t angry, otherwise it’s unfair to you.   I am the one who keep distance and avoid eye contacts so I deserve it.

No matter what, I thankful for having you in my life journey.  Thanks for picking my soul up when I was at the lowest point.

Many issues I need to figure out by myself, that’s why I want to keep distance with the one I adore before I cause any harm/hurts to you.

Photo : Unsplash – by Amanda Sandlin

Why I hate those interview red tape

It’s not how far you fall,

but how high you bounce that counts. – Zig ZiglarI

I’ve been looking for job recently, what irritate me usually is not because rejections, but journey of interview.  My performance can be 100% different according to situation – either rated as valuable or a loser.

Application Form, really ?

I’m bored and exhausted for those seemed never-ended, 4,5, 6+ pages long application forms.  Still don’t understand their purposes or wonder if it’s adequate for understanding a candidate.

Aren’t employers already knew background of applicant from their resumes before they were invited for interview? Why applicants should sit in conference room to rewrite everything from their CVs to tiny boxes on the form? Totally waste of time, papers and manpower.

Every time when I was presented a form for completion, can’t control myself but grumble inside then causally write down key points.  It’s disrespect and kind of stupid to treat a potential candidate as a student / kid doing copybooks.

Why my past salary is essential to your decision?

What’s the point for me to list out salary history? So if I earned $5,000 in past, then it’s the guideline for what I should ask for this new job? Can I adjust my expectation according to given status, such as working hours, my interests, prospect and happiness? It’s annoying when I sense interviewers’ facial expressions while calculating how much I worth.

I may ask for more because of job requirements, in reverse, may expect less if working hours are shorter.  What I ask is represent the present situation, what the heck my past salary history doing for.

Test, Test and Test …..

Tests are  acceptable at certain level, but seriously? some of them can take applicants’ hours to finish, e.g. write 1,000 words in English, then 1,000 words in Chinese + translate another 1,000 words article; after that, please go to another room to have computer and internet skills tests, then during interview, English, Chinese and Mandarin oral, plus listening skills tests….oops, don’t you remember there’s a 7 pages application form need to be filled before all these examinations?  It’s so exhausting!

Many times I found these so-called tests are not well-designed for testing out specific skills.  They simply want to make the process LOOK more professional.  It’s essential for many expertise to have tests during elimination, but for general administrative posts, really?

Skills and knowledge can always be equipped / learned once the staff join the company, however personality and attitude need years to be developed.  One who pass all these tests, even with remarkable results are not equivalent to their competence at work.  As long as character/attitude is on right track, why bother manual skills, e.g. typing speed, software skills.  Most of the job advertisements show a potential staff should be independent, mature, well-organised, able to handle pressure or even honest, etc.; which however all these tests are unable to target the needs.

Travel experience vs. working history stability?

Compare to many regular employees, I’m kind of travel quite a lot thus always being judged for not having a stable working history.  This can be a huge issue for many employers as they think my living style is unacceptable.  Our culture praise highly for those who follow rules.  Unlucky, I never fit well to many society norms.  The more I travel and meet new people, the more I realize there are many other ways of living.

To live an ordinary life or find a stable/well-paid job, own car, houses etc. is good for majority of people, but there also have other people who simply want to live their own designed lives, so they don’t care to climb up the ladder of the corporation.

Many employers don’t consider travel can bring invaluable wisdom/experience to an individual, which lead them manage any position with more initiative, creativity than regular candidate, which can make an unique / positive contribution to any company in certain way.  Instead, they rate me as immature, unrealistic or weird.

That’s why I feel so lonely at many working environments.  I respect everyone has his/her own choice of living, I respect people cherish safe and comfort zone life, but why don’t they also accept me to have my own desire/dream of living, without judging me “strange” or lazy?

Don’t be a douchebag/asshole

There were times I came across with so-called management level professionals, who can make a significant decision for my application.  They are so mean, rude and arrogant. I always believe how you treat others represents a lot about your inner self. Though my self-esteem dropped to bottom after meeting them, but at the end I feel glad for not stuck with these jerks in the office.

Final thoughts

Interview is an great opportunity for both parties to meet face to face.  It’s possible you like somebody on paper but feel uncomfortable to talk to in person.  It’s a myth we can get along with everyone and will be tough to spend most of our lives in same environment if can’t get along well with each other.

What’s personality/characteristic of this person? optimistic? open-minded? think-out-of the box or closed-minded? well-driven? At the same time, applicants can take this chance to learn more about the culture of the company and job requirements.

I would say these elements are much more important than individual manual skills and bureaucratic administration.

Photo : Unsplash – By Victor Erixon

Abused survivor’s journey is Rough

 The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident. Usually they are sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, or outspoken child.

In other words, he/she is the child who refuses to stay silence in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

– Glynis Sherwood

It’s not my choice

I’m a family scapegoat.  Don’t even know this term until recent years.  I just felt all the dramas doesn’t make sense even based on my limited awareness of my situation.  I just acting rebellious which lead me to a rough life journey!  Every time I hear someone says “we can choose our friends and lovers, but never family members”.  Damn true!

However, I disagree the saying of “since they are my family members, thus we need to cherish the bond and forgive anything they did to me.  It’s necessary to compromise and let go in any relationship otherwise we will have a resentful life by complaining this and that.

But according to my family history, I would say it’s better living as an orphan than growing up in such a sick family environment.   I was forced to become mature at a very early age, act as a mother taking care of siblings, housework, etc. while struggling through all life challenges by my own self.

Why I write now?

Personal

Years of abusive relationship taught me to shut up and shut down all my anger/frustration as no one will care or help me.  The better survival skills for myself is “don’t touch the scar within myself”.  I thought I can handle or believe the so-called “time will heal”.  Sadly, all shame / hurtful memories never leave my mind.  To cope with the dysfunctional family, I learned to act tough as a defend mechanism.  Abusers treat me this way because they want to show their power by proving that my life will be miserable without their supports/love.  I hate to see they win.

But the truth is : I never feel any better over these years, results and mistakes were repeated continuously.  Strive to read and learn as many as I can, to understand what’s the situation about.  The more information I get, the more I realize how messed up my life is.  Started to realize speak out is the hardest but most important step of healing.  I’m lonely, depressed and hope to connect to the world like a new born baby.

For many years, I feel so shame for myself so build up a wall with people to protect myself being hurt.  Knew this is the worst decision but the most comfortable coping skills.  If family can’t be trusted and can betray me, it’s difficult for me to trust others so I feel safe this way though feel extremely lonely.

External

During this life searching journey, thanks for many writers who devoted to share their own stories, which helps me learn a lot about my situation.  Education of abuse is tremendously important as this still a taboo in many cultures in this century.  People don’t share much or choose to hide from lies.  Of course I still have a long way to go, but I hope to speak out so may be someone in somewhere has the similar situation so we can both learn from each other.

Final thoughts

I never want to be an abused survivor or feel comfortable to say “how strong I am” to go through all these.  Because I don’t want to, but if that’s my fate, well, I better start to unlearn everything bad for me and relearn new strategies from now on.

Photo : Unsplash – Jeff Sheldon

New Habits in 2015

New Habit 2015

Oops…..This quote explains my status over years.

End of every year, I used to delicate lots of time to map out resolutions for next year. Deep down, I desire to change. Unsuccessfully, resolutions went to trash after a short period of time it was listed.  Read an article early ago that alerted me : it’s not effective to make a list for resolution but habits.  Resolutions can be easily forgot after 2-3 weeks/months but habits will change individual lifestyle.  So here I am!

List of New Habit 2015 :

PHYSICAL

Get Fit ! Back on track again! I’ve been struggling with my weight my whole life, which steamed from prolonged emotional/verbal/sexual abuse of dysfunctional family.  While there are people pick alcohol, drugs or sex, I pick food as my best friend to smooth my emotions.

2 years ago, I told myself  “enough is enough” as I finally realized I should be the one who love myself the most, otherwise I can never expect others to love/ respect me. After die-hard exercise and rigid diet, 80 lbs were lost then started to pick myself up bit by bit.

Holiday seasons never easy as triggers are hard for me to handle well.  I felt back to my old habits once again : stuffed food to my mouth continuously past month.   Well, new year just started so it’s time to get rid of those unwanted 15-20 lbs by going back to gym.

Eat healthy, Exercise 4 times a week, nurture myself well!

EMOTION

Struggling negative thoughts/emotions from time to time : doing OK when mood is stable but can lie in bed, lock myself up for days to escape from real life.   One of the reasons I start this blog is not only want to practice my writing skills but also a breakthrough: to learn how to speak out and express the true me.  This is a big milestone for many abused survivors as we have learned to keep secrets for myself and shut down emotions/feelings from outsiders for years.

Understand my blogs will show up many of my flaws but I am learning to put away perfectionism.  Many psychologists suggests writing is a good healing journey.

RELATIONSHIP

Since young, I knew the only person who can help myself to survive from this sick environment is “me”.  Thus never stop learning by consuming tons of books, courses and podcast etc.  I’m kind of raise myself up from zero to the stage of acknowledgement; unlearned every bad habits/perspectives gained since young continuously.  Strive to live a very different journey from my family members.

However, years of trauma experiences has already molded me into a person with very low self-esteem, lack of confidence, afraid to have intimate relationship.  I have trust issue and this lead me to another dead-end corner : feel more comfortable to hang around with people who have similar history/personality/character.

Another quote “You’re the average of five people you spend the most time with” also strike me very hard lately.  Yeah, there’s really nobody around me, who I am aspire to become at this stage.  It obviously my weakness so I need to figure out who should I be friend with in coming year.  Feel jealous, envy whenever I see amazing people but never have confidence to approach due to my self-worth issue.  I kind of thinking why these amazing people bother to hang around with such a loser.

Over years, I’ve been struggling with PTSD/depression that finally reach the point “really sick of this life”.  I don’t want to see myself being the same as I’m now after 10 years.  I need big changes! Time fly so fast, memories 20 years ago seem like 2 weeks before.  This scared me and feel sad for my lost years from time to time.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Well, New Year just started, hope it’s not too late to turn things upside down now.