Quote of the day # 11 : Family

Family is not always about blood, sometimes its about who is there to hold your hand and support you, when you need them

Image credit : Pixabay – Greyerbaby

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BuckUp # 6 : What matters most in life?

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

Bumped into this video channel by accident.  At first, I thought topics are too serious but was amazed by it’s presentation.  It’s funny to watch animated cartoons as they try to present serious topics with a humor / funny / cutie approach.  This make audience easy to understand and not get bored while watching.

Video Sources : Prager University

What matters most in life?

Everyone is so busy.  I worked with so many professionals / successful business people but what I commonly found from their lives : they are not happy at all.  This always scare me and remind myself that I never want to have the same life.

What really that matters in life? money? fame? success? Many people spent whole life chasing something that not really matter to them, until one day they realized “oh, life is finished”.   Sadly people keep doing same thing over and over again because they don’t know how or afraid to change even when they notice this is not what they want for life.

Understanding Men and Women : why they see things differently

No secret that men and women are thinking differently.  But what surprised me is there still lots of people projecting their frame of thinking to other sex.  Many conflicts I observed from couples / lovers are originated from their inability of using a different sex-perspective in communicating with another half.

He wants you

Title is not well to explain the video, but this one is actually quite funny.  It explores how to deal with your lover / couple watching another women in public / beach.  Demonstration is funny and after watching this video, many women should be relieved, feel much better or no longer afraid when next time their men stare at other women.

The missing tile symptom

Many people tend to spot on missing elements in life, i.e. negative.  Some people just drive me crazy as they never stop to find mistakes / faults / flaws on things / people in daily life.  They nag and complain every time open mouths which make them look very ugly. (even if they put on lots of make up or dress nicely).

Not saying I’m completely positive, but I still can distinguish people who are just “emotion vampire”, drain you down and eat up all your energy.  This video teach us how to view things differently.

Happiness Equation

How to be happy? This is a never-ended discussed topic.  See if this equation help you to be more happy.

Change your life

If you are not happy with your current status, learn from video to change it.

So, what matters most in your life?

Are you jealous or feel uncomfortable when your men watching another women?

Are you always focus at bad side when things happen?

Image credit : Pixabay – Unsplash

Aftermath of abuse (2) – Feel like living in a Lonely Planet

May be I don’t cry, but it hurts;

May be I won’t say, but I feel;

May be I don’t show but I care.

Can’t remember since when I started to numb my emotions / feelings.  Of course I still have regular human responses, such as angry, sad or happy but mostly I shut myself up for a very long period of time, especially if they are family related.

The more self-education about abuse I obtained the more I understand this is a typical coping mechanism for many abuse survivors.  We must disassociate ourselves from people / environment in order to cease / limit any potential emotional breakdown.

Violated social norms

It’s just so difficult for any abusers to fight against social norms / expectations.  Like many other survivors, I never open myself up to share my story / experiences with others.  Because I understand what we are about to share are not what majority people love to believe or listen in society.

Don’t mean to judge but this is the fundamental comfort zone for many people, it’s uncomfortable for many people to know / accept the truth that there’s dysfunctional families, there are parents who are not good for their kids.  People feel more relieved or easy to digest for positive family stories.

It’s understandable but sure will make survivors feel uncomfortable to talk about their stories.  This make us feel isolated from the crowd.

Betrayed by family

I always have problems to understand whenever seeing movies / TV episodes showing how people cry for their parents / family members’ problems, illness or felt touched when they sacrifice to do something good for them.  I was confused and mentally stuck at those scenes.

This never happened to me as in my family, parents are non-questionable authority figures so kids must do whatever was told / ordered.  There’s no so-called unconditioned love as we need to exchange our benefits / welfare / rights for attention / love.

Though I was so naive, young without many concrete concepts about definitions of parenting or healthy family.  But somehow I sense how different of my family in comparing to others.

My mom was emotional abusive, neglected us and I was treated like her maid helped her to do housework.  She’s an unhappy, jealous and emotional unstable woman who married my dad at very young age, simply want to escape from an abusive relative.  I sense her regret for being tapped with a man not in love with.

Later when she found another man, she ran away and left 3 young kids (the youngest only 1 year old) with their narcissistic / abusive father, who cares only his benefits, lack of empathy.  Straightly mentioned, not really mentally / psychologically well equipped as a parent.  This further make me want to stay away from the “normal” crowd as I was so shamed for being raised in such kind of family.

Different from same age fellows

I was so self-conscious to hide all secrets for my own.  Whenever my friends / classmate chatted about their families, parents or siblings.   I just can’t resonate, feel stuck, staring at empty space in avoiding my turn to share.

Today when I look back, realized that I actually spent lots of lonely times at school during my childhood / teenager years. People think  I was very shy / introvert, well, I do have many introvert traits, but most of the time was because I was afraid to attract attention, be asked for what’s going on in family or how I was doing during holidays.

I just don’t have much to share as I was not living like a normal kid / teenager.  When my classmates / friends hanging around with their friends, participate different extracurricular activities, I was busy at non-stopped household works, raising my sisters and took care of my childish father.  There were tons of chaos running daily in my life.  Remember I used to take a deep breath and sigh whenever I put my keys out in front of home, just exhausted not only physically but mainly emotionally – don’t know what would happened that day after I step inside my toxic family.  My unique life distance myself from majority of normal kids at my age.

Alien at workplace / Love environment

Generally, parents like to see their child has better education, success in career, happy and own their families one day.  But that’s not the case in many dysfunctional families again.

Manipulative / toxic parents never want to see their kids grow because this will eventually challenge their powers or harm to their selfish benefits.  I was a good student with good grades but my dad was very good at using guilty / shame to trap me in his selfish / evil plan. He persuaded me that I was the one who need to responsible for chaos in the family after his divorce. Thus I was not encouraged to have my own friends, social life or continuing my education.

I was berated / blamed / insult for not being considerate whenever I want to have my own rights / desire.  I was so naive (stupid) to believe that’s what I supposed to do – take over housework and officially become a mom. I was insult for not putting family at first priority or whenever I try to explore outside world.  Of course today I understood how selfish my abusive dad was – who transfer all blames / responsibilities from his shoulder to a kid.

This make me had lots of difficulties relating to other colleagues when I step into job market.  Not only I never know how to establish healthy relationships with people since I was caged at home most of the time, but also I was afraid to be discovered about my family and how I was treated.  I was brainstormed need to sacrifice everything for my toxic family, otherwise, I was not worthy for the family.

Because of my abusive histories, I was extremely nervous to have any romantic relationships, not only because my dad humiliated me when I dress well or attempt to socialize with others, but also I was terrified once they know my secrets, will no longer like me.  To avoid getting hurts or dumped, I chose subconsciously not to step into any potential love relationships, or react stony when guys approach me.

Closing thoughts

Like the quote mentioned above, abuse survivors might not cry in front of you, but those hidden / unbearable hurts are tattooed in our hearts, which become part of our identities.

Abusive trauma make us have difficulties to connect with people, not only because of deep rooted trust issues but also we don’t feel safe / comfortable to share our stories or lean / rely on others.  Same as many abuse survivors, I learn and manage very well to do everything on my own since early age.  It’s sad / lonely but at least keep me peace, and in fact we can’t find the common grounds that can relate to majority of people.

Next time when you see someone who’s sitting alone during lunch break, please go forward or invite them as your companion.  They may not as weird / strange as you think, but simply feeling uncomfortable to approach others, or try to protect themselves from hurts after going through tough times.

They may not say anything at the beginning or react cold to your kindness, but I assure you that they actually appreciate your effort for being supportive.

Are you survivor? Do you feel similar loneliness even if you surround by many people? How do you handle it?

Photo credit : Pixabay – PublicDomainPictures

Quote of the day # 9 : Childhood

Always remember, childhood is

what you spend the rest of your life overcoming.

Please remember how you treat a child is not simply affect his / her at this moment, but a whole life.

Do you agree? How’s your childhood? Do you feel it affects how you live today?

Image credit : StockSnap.io – Alicja Colon

How to put a proper name tag on Abused Survivor?

Wise men do not wear name tags.  

The more people talk about their own skills, the more desperate they are.  

– NisiOisiN

Whenever I read books / articles written by abused survivors, those uniqueness always confused me to think about my own situation.  Well, how can I label myself? Or is it only my problems? How about other abused survivors?

Many writers are so specific about their personal experience / trauma, no offence but we can put a name tag for each individual easily, e.g. sexual / physical abused, domestic violence, child / emotional abused survivors etc.

But according to my complicated background, I always have difficulties to put a proper name-tag about my abuse / story. Seems like I’m stuck in the crossroads – somehow associated with different category.  This make me struggle from time to time during healing because I’m not dealing with one trauma, and don’t know how to relate with other survivors more appropriately.  How should I introduce myself to others?

Complication of dysfunctional family system

Guess it’s commonly happened in dysfunctional families, there must have toxic / abusive parents who ruin and harass healthy / functional system at first place.

Once the system is distorted, these toxic parents can do whatever they want according to their own desires / selfish purposes. Thus it always make situation more complicated / worse since many other abuse behaviors will be carried out in such toxic environment.   This makes abused survivors growing up in dysfunctional family have more challenges / emotional baggage to move on.

You may need a whole life to heal one trauma, but now you’ve got 2, 3, or even 5….it’s hard to image how long it’ll take to reach the final destination.  It’s like a magician / crown who throwing different balls in two hands at the same time.

More name-tags of self-destructive behaviors

Not only name-tags that originated from initial abuses, but now abused survivors feel extremely shame, guilty, betrayed and hurt.  Very often, abused victims will establish many self-destructive behaviors as coping mechanism.

There’s no doubt these self-harm attitudes are bad to soul, spirits or emotions, but since they don’t have role models to guide them how to deal with problems properly, this will become the only tactic they can lean on, e.g. smoking, alcohol, drugs, addiction, eating disorder etc. These are the only gateway we can numb ourselves, detach from drama or distress at any particular time.

I knew how it felt as I used to binge eating whenever emotions felt overwhelmed. I ate all my emotions down to throat. Eventually, like other survivors, I owned more name-tags, e.g. “Fatty”, “Glutton”; or “Cold” because of my trust issue.  Many other abused survivors who are suffering from PTSD / depression after abuse may be labelled as “Lazy”, “Slothful”.

Imagine abused survivors may need to bring a bag carrying all the name-tags in case someone asking about “who are you?”.

Shall I introduce myself as a emotional abused survivor? but what about those bad consequences / effects after years of verbally abused and childhood neglected?  Which label is more appropriate for me to address myself, so outsiders will understand me more?

Closing thoughts

I assume nobody want to be labelled or stereotyped.  But this is the Must-Have life-long challenge for many abused survivors, wearing different hats and change according to different situation.

Outsiders may think ….well… as long as they manage to heal their trauma after narcissistic abuse, (for example), they will be fine and live a happy life thereafter.  But the truth is many abused survivors may need to tackle other emotional / physical / psychological trauma simultaneously that come with other abuses they were experienced during a period of abused years.

They may also have difficulties to have mutual healthy relationships with others, since it’s extremely difficult to address themselves properly.  When we don’t know how to position ourselves, we’ll have problems to be truly authentic or even aware our wishes / expectations.

I still believe there’s hope for healing, but just need more time, patience, strength and support.

Do you have similar difficulties as like as me?

Winners never Quit – is that true?

There’s a difference between quitting,

and knowing when you have had enough.

Binge watched reality TV show lately, in which a husband declared several times that he’s not a “quitter” so kept trying to mend his marriage, sad for audience to watch since they really not compatible with each other, but he just hold on a thought of “being loyal / nice”.

Well, I’m kind of a “quitter” from many people’s perspectives.  This always give myself lots of doubts and ask : am I too soon to quit?  What if I stay and let circumstances continuing?  Should I be more patience, realistic, conformity to policies / regulations / social norms? Am I over-thinking / over-sensitive / over-reacted ? Many people seem doing OK to survive their unhappy / conventional / unfulfilled life / job without any resistance.

At some point, I have to admit I do quit easily, happens often when I feel scare / pressure / uncomfortable, mostly related to relationships.  Still struggling to handle stress / relationship / emotions healthily.  But at other times, I consider myself as braver than many people.

It may because since awake from years of abusive history, I’m getting more conscious, less willing to waste time on things / people that harm to me, physically, emotionally or life.  I’m more determined today to let go and leave when I found an environment or people I interacted with will never change.  Assuming it’s better to invest my precious time / energy on meaningful matters instead.  Time is really too short, I got to cut the loss as quick as possible.

Suggest to quit when …..

After years of self-education about abused topics and healing, I learned there’s a reason behind any individual who tolerate non-stopped abusive / toxic relationships without leaving, feeling or expressing anything.   It’s because when an individual doesn’t own a healthy sense of self-worth, don’t love / value themselves, will have difficulties to stand up for themselves, or even worse, make excuse for abusers who treated them disrespectfully.

Self-care is not only dress nicely, but also learning how to respect ourselves with dignity.  We never can expect others respect us if we don’t do this to ourselves at first place.  Sometimes we have to teach others how to treat us if necessary.

Abusers / narcissistic / toxic people raise up the bars of abusive gestures gradually and continuously towards victims.  At the beginning, they may put all dramas like a joke, behave offensive / insulting in a causal manner – aim to make all these like : they didn’t mean to do this to you; it’s just a joke; or simply treat you as their closed friends / mates so there’s no need to fake.  But in fact they have purpose to test your limit : see how you react and how much you can tolerant their BS.

I dealt with so many so-called professional / successful people, what irritated / annoyed me is they’re actually very smart (cunning) – understand how to wear different masks in front of different people, know exactly who must be treated with respect / civility, but who can be verbally, emotional and psychologically abused.  They evaluate / distinguish people carefully into different category to fulfill their different desires / purpose.

Many nice / warm / civilized people tend to have difficulties dealing with this type of fake-fellow.  Similar to me, my personality and moral value make me cherish peaceful / harmony.  I used to think everyone will treat each other with respect.  I thought everyone understand the moral of “don’t say anything to others that we don’t want to listen, or do anything to others that we don’t want to be treated”.  This unrealistic perception was vanished once I finally realize there’re people holding a complete opposite moral standard from me.

Frequently these people are acting so humble, nice and normal when we first met.  Unfortunately, after a certain period of time of communication their true-self are surfaced.  Once they noticed my standard / limit, they’ll no longer care how I feel thus my daily working life is like living in hell.  I can’t sleep, binge eating, depressed, so stressful not because of the work load but all emotional burdens.  That’s why I keep on quitting from abusive working environments.  Of course never expect there’s a perfect job in the world, but when the environment is out-of control and already fueling poison to my soul / spirit, what’s the point for me to continue?

Or there are times when I overheard others said divorce is bad.  In my opinion, it’s better to leave a rotten relationship than stuck in an unhappy / mental-tortured environment.  Many parents might think it’s better for kids owning a so-called in-house father / mother but the truth is : how kids can learn to love / establish a healthy relationship in such a toxic environment? How kids can concentrate on their study while there are non-stop arguing / blaming / fighting at home? Don’t we think it’s wise to quit, let kids learning how to maintain a healthy relationship while breaking up?

Closing thoughts

Enough is enough, our life is blinked away every second at faster-than-you-thought speed.  If this is what we hate or not align with our core value.  May be it’s really a right time to quit.

What your thoughts on “quitting”?  Do you think a quitter is a loser? Have you ever quit on someone / something that no longer benefit to you?

Photo credit : Pixabay – ericbrn13

5 Signs You’re Dating A Toxic Person (BuckUp # 5)

Don’t let negative / toxic people rent space in your head.

Raise the rent & kick them out ! – Robert Tew

Another day to feed our mind and soul.

Mathew Hussey is quite well-known to many people, especially women who look for advice about relationships.  I thought his advice are not only good for intimate relationships, but also good for self-development, self-growth, enhance self-image / self confidence etc., since he usually focus more on fixing our inner problems, by doing more self-reflection and self-examination.

I believe if we want to understand and communicate well with men, it’s always important to listen men’s perspective, instead of reading / absorbing information from other women or so-called professionals we found from magazines (though I still enjoy reading these stuffs but deep down realize we can never get men codes, understand the truth behind if not listening to men directly).

Video source : Matthew Hussey

5 Signs You’re Dating A Toxic Person

Many people not realizing they are dating someone who actually damage their self-image / self-esteem or other aspects of lives.  We may tend to settle for less because it’s so scary to date anyone who is out of our league.  End up wasting lots of youth / time on someone who just drag us down to drains, with or without our notice.

One Mindset For a Successful Life

Why there are people who can reach their full potential, live their dream life? But other people who seem got stuck from time to time? What are the mindset and secrets behind? what are differences between these 2 groups of people?

Get The Guy In 9 Foolproof Steps

It’s not a video telling you tricks / techniques to win a guy, but more on individuals’ internal work.  See how many steps you finished, if yes, check them out and congratulate to you; if not, don’t be disappointed, it’s not too late to unlearn the bad habits, relearn the new and good ones.

The Real Secret to Keeping Your Man

Many people forget to nurture relationships once they settle.  I can understand why couples / lovers fell apart after years because either one of them continuing growing, relationships become boring, stale or take it for granted.

THIS Gets Him Addicted to You Forever…

Why there are people – the longer you spend time with, the more you attract to them? But other people as soon as you get to know them, you lost all motivation / desire / attraction?  I believe chemistry things only last for months so it’s acceptable to not addicted to anyone as much as the first time we met, but it doesn’t mean we can do nothing to strengthen / consolidate any relationships, to make it more refresh, excited and hopefully move to a next higher level.

The Compliment He’s Dying To Hear

Many times I was annoyed / irritated by conversations that overheard in public restaurants / areas.  Some people still think it’s their responsibility to fix their partners, to change / mode them into the one they thought they should be, thus so many nagging, complaints, yelling along the way.  In psychology, we have to do 5 good things to smooth damages that bring from 1 complaints / bad experience.

Closing thoughts

I’m always envy / amazed by happy-together couples / lovers, they seem so compatible to each other without any efforts, or understand all secret codes of healthy relationships.

Truth is relationships need to be learned since there’s no official lesson at school, or even worse, if we don’t have good models in family, it might affect our relationships with others tremendously.

So what your thoughts on these tips? Have you ever aware their existence? or you are one of them who made similar mistakes?

Photo credit : Pixabay – Stokpic