How to identify a Narcissistic Psychopath

Protect your spirit from contamination.  

Limit your time with negative people.

– Thema Davis

“Narcissistic” – a getting-familiar term is emerged in recent years, which is a serious personality disorder.  Glad more people are acknowledged and educated gradually online.  This help me a lot since I used to be very confused, shame, trapped or don’t know how to use proper words describing my experiences.  Thought I just too demanding / unrealistic on people, too sensitive / emotional on how I was treated.

Hate to admit but somehow I attracted lots of narcissistic / toxic people, don’t know if it’s because my tone of voice, facial or body language delivering messages to abusers that they can walk over me without resistance (people do comment I look kind of gentle, soft and kind).  This always confuse me as I’ve been thinking do I really need to behave more tough, ferocious,  or mean so people will not mess with me?

Anyway, after years of experience, guess I’m well-qualified to share my bits of “wisdom” about their common traits :

Attention seekers

Since they have low self-worth, self-esteem and surprisingly lack of self-confidence, they’re hungry for external confirmation in proving their competence.  They love to show off, be respected, admired and become the center of attention.   Like a performer on stage, who know exactly what others expect so will behave / act in certain way at specific environment.

Outsiders will be attracted quickly at the beginning by their success, humor, charm or generosity that exhibited.   Only people who are closed to them will know the truth behind scene, despise these hypocritical gestures and rolling eyes at the corner of the stage.

Be superior

They have difficulties to accept different individual have their own talents, instead, viewing others are inferior to them.

Work with narcissistic bosses is a torture experience : they judge, humiliate and verbal abuse those who under his / her supervision, making insulting comments or put people down constantly.  They considered themselves as the most knowledgeable, wise and skillful person in that environment.  People should listen and follow what they ordered.

They’re so afraid being judged or temper can be explodes when their mistakes were found.  They hate to be “wrong” in any of their decisions / judgement since this downgrade their admiration points to others.  In such, they will yell, scold others before people raised up comments then run away, leaving victims in fog with lots of self-doubts.

Strong messages they deliver : “you are working FOR, not working WITH me”; or “Just do it! Because I say so!”.

Hide inner emptiness

There are people who use brand clothes, luxury products hiding insecurity.  Similarly, the more someone feel empty inside, the more they need external things, such as fame, wealth to validate themselves.

One of the narcissistic boss I worked with, has more than 10 different titles from various well-known organisations displayed on her name card.  Many people felt amazed and adore her devotion / success / contribution so and so ……admiring that how a person can fulfill so much for her life.  And because there are many titles were assigned from famous charities / welfare organisations, this also give outsiders an image of “what a kindness / generous person in the world she is”.

This hero-effect however never be sacred to us, who being with her 9 hours a day in office.  We all know the fake / pretension – she’s a completely different person in private place, who easily burst out anger for small stuffs, e.g. who mis-titled her or forgot to invite her for a ceremony.  Even many media news reported how great she is but we all see her inner emptiness in daily basis.

NO tolerance for shame

They can be extremely over-sensitive to any small issues that make them feel inadequate, insecure, or shameful.  When you have doubts or confront about their judgments / decisions / behaviors, they will either shut down completely, avoid, transfer the blames to others, or even worse, turn the table upside down – become critical and hostile to victims.

You can never have a fair negotiation with them, unless you make them feel superior and hero.  Ironically, there are no shortage of deceived followers surrounding them to enhance their false-self.

Ignore boundaries

What? Boundaries? What is that?  Narcissistic psychopath have difficulties seeing things from another people’s perspective. And since they view themselves such an important and superior individual, they have no concern or actually don’t have concept about boundaries.  People with healthy mind-set consider each human is an individual, in contrast, narcissists view others as an extension of themselves.

They might keep calling you outside office hours / your private time simply because they want to, no matter it’s important or just a minor inquiry.   They check your emails, stare on your computer seeing what you are doing, love digging your privacy up or cross over your emotional boundaries.  Just don’t feel necessary to respect other human rights and feelings.

React as a toddler

There were many times I just feel like communicate with a 2-3 years old child.  Physically, narcissists look like a normal adult but according to their emotional responses, it’s kind of like an uneducated toddler / child who lose temper, sit on the floor and screamed for a toy they loved.

According to psychology theory, narcissists were stuck at certain child development stage thus have difficulties to handle problems, stress or anything that out of their comfort zone with a more mature approach.  Some of them may be spoiled so never learn how to respect others’ needs, but the world should response to their wishes / desires.  Others may be raised in an abusive environment or by narcissistic parents so their ability of empathy, EQ, self-esteem etc. were missed out a lot during development.

Final thoughts

I believe everyone deserved to be  treated with respect.

Stay away from toxic / narcissistic / abusive people as much as you can.  No one can change anyone until this person willing to make changes on their own wishes.  You can never explain, change or argue for justice with them.  You are dealing with personality disorder issue so the more you try to negotiate, the more you will be trapped then end up feeling more miserable.

Let it go! Move on and live your life, only surround with people who contribute positively to your spirit, strength and wisdom would be my final advice.

How about you? Have you ever encountered difficult / toxic people? how you handle?

Photo credit : Pixabay – Jill111

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Psychology # 1 – Family Scapegoat

Are you the family scapegoat? or have you ever meet someone who experienced the same?

Most of the time, these children grew up in dysfunctional families don’t understand what happened to them, thought it’s normal and it supposed to be what family means.

They aware how sickness it was only until they strive to figure out the truth and heal from childhood trauma.

Are you a victim of your habits?

 We are what we repeatedly do,

Excellence therefore is not an act but a habit. ~ Aristotle

I used to have habit listing out resolutions to motivate myself have a prosperous / meaningful year.  Don’t do this anymore since I found myself kept on dropping behind or forgot them completely months later.

Instead, installed a countdown mobile apps to remind myself how many days I’ve left until certain deadline, and how many years I’ve left in life.  This gesture do give me some pressure as it constantly alert me how little times I have left to fulfill my dreams and do whatever I want to.

Especially when I heard news from friends/acquaintance who got married, have kids, work in big project, travel around the world or work abroad etc.  Seems like everyone is accomplish something continuously except me, who repeat the same old thing and stuck under same old circumstances.  This urge me to push myself  “I got to do something” by changing my old habits / strategies.

Try new things, take new challenge

I love to explore and observe but at certain level, I’m an introvert, always do the same thing to keep myself have some routine.  This ease my tension and give me some guidance while dealing with life chaos.  Guess grab this habit since young as I need certain level of “stable”, something I can control while dealing with my unstable emotion and toxic environment.

But I start to realize the repeated consequences of my behaviors and importance of putting myself out of comfort zone more frequently, which can offer me some new insights / perspectives.

I tried, though not always succeed because many of my behaviors become an automatic reflected response.  But I’m more conscious to make different choices from my daily routines, e.g. eat at different restaurant, take a different route to work. Sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable to awkward to adjust but I know it’s necessary for my self-growth.

Say “Yes” more

I found myself reject potential opportunities often due to my self-doubts, limited beliefs : accepted underpaid and lower rank job position because I was not feeling I’m worth it.

From now on, I should give myself more chances, more open to possibilities as I never know what if I say yes.  The worst scenario is I fail like an idiot, but it’s also probably a great chance for me reaching upper level.  “It’s not about how we fail, but how we bounce back after failure”.

Stop Procrastination

I never have problems acquiring knowledge / wisdom via books / online platforms etc. This however put me into a mode of procrastination, always afraid to make a start so the best excuse is I’m not ready yet.

Continuous learning is good but if I start to understand the motto of “knowledge is not the king, until I applied it”. I can always sharping / adjust my understandings along practices.  Tried to set a limit of my time / energy to simply learning but start to put effort in actual doing.

All-or-nothing mentality

Perfectionism.  I can spend 100+ hours to finish an assignment because I thought I must finish all books on the shelf for a final perfect answer, otherwise my paper was not good enough.  This devastated used-to-be habit forced me spending lots and lots of time to do 1 thing but forgot other 99 things that need to be accomplished.

Similar to my exercise regime, when I skipped 1 day / 1 meal, which was not as my initial plan, then I will beat myself up, felt uncomfortable and eventually drop the whole plan off.  I felt disappointed for myself, or thought it’s not worth to go to gym even it’ just 30 minutes.

Still tough until now but I’m more alert to my decision.  Sometimes manage to persuade myself to complete a task even though it’s not end up as original planned.  I learned to comfort myself that every tiny bits of efforts is counted, and stop sticking to certain thing for too long then ignore other also important tasks.

Emotional intelligence

Normally don’t project my emotions to others, e.g. yelling, but swallow emotions internally.  My performance and motivation always lead by emotional status at certain moment.  When emotion overwhelmed, I can give up things easily, run away or hide myself like a ostrich.

When things getting tough or out of my control, e.g. toxic working environment – I resigned so I never learn / practice how to deal with difficult people.  Noted it become a cycle of my life, kept on bumping into same situation, sadly I manage with same technique and response, no doubt results are all the same.

Dong the same thing over and over again expecting different results is insane – Albert Einstein

It is necessary to learn being true / honest to my feelings but at the same time learning how to handle chaos without dragging myself into “double harm” zone repeatedly is also important.

Closing thoughts

If times can go back, these are advice I will give to aged 18 ME.  I’m sick and tired of being same old ME.  I found myself not happy at my current status, got to make some dramatic changes.

Do you have habits that drag you down? Any good habits that lift you up?

Photo credit : Pixabay – Bessi

Quote of the day # 4 : Blood related vs. Loyalty

Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family.

This may explain why many adopted kids trust their foster parents more, rather than biological family.

Do you think blood related relationship wins all?

Photo credit : Pixabay – fancycrave1

BuckUp # 3 : How to have more confidence

Confidence is what make a person sexy.

One of famous motivational speakers I like is Brendon Burchard.   Felt myself resonate with him easily because he’s not simply delivering thoughts like reading another self-help / self-development books, but very genuine, deep, up-spirit, especially enjoy watching his smile, definitely light up my days.   This make me realize I actually like people who smile a lot. From his videos, not merely learning life skills but also presentation, speaking and persuasion techniques.

His optimistic, energetic energy is so contagious, always lift my spirit up or make me have deep introspection on myself after watching.

“You are the average of 5 person you hang around with”, so if anyone who has difficulties to find mentors in real life like me, it’s a good source to motivate yourself, especially when times need more encouragement, wisdom and insights to get back on horse.

Video credit source : Brendon Burchard

Don’t stop comparing yourself to other people

It’s difficult for us not to comparing ourselves to others, I’m learning but still a lot of work to do.   Understand it’s kind of stupid as there are so many people prettier, better and clever than us – never-ended comparison if we want to.  Don’t consider myself comparing all the times, but occasionally which raise my self- doubts, or lower self-esteem.

How to be beautiful

Maintaining a tidy / approachable outlook and dress appropriate is important according to my experiences, but also believe beautiful is come from within. I came across so many so-called pretty persons but their behaviors / attitudes / personalities disgusted me so I never see them as a beautiful person.   This video is not teaching you how to make up or dress up but mode your inner beauty.

How to have more confidence

Confidence is very important.  I witnessed so many people who are talented but seldom succeed anything because their lack of confidence.  At the same time see confident persons get what they want simply because they believe they can.  Deep down understand I’m not worse than many co-workers / friends according to my knowledge / experience / traits, but my lack of confidence pull me down or sabotage my success / relationships frequently.  Never stop learning and practice this skill.

How to make a great 1st impression

Are you curious why some people can win others’ attention / trust right in the first 5 minutes? Learn from this video and hope you’ll be one of them.

Dealing with difficult times in life

If you are struggling in something now, or if you know anyone who you care / love is going through tough times, share this video with them.

How to become extraordinary

Many people want to be extraordinary right? but how to define extraordinary? Richer? Prettier? What to do to reach the extraordinary level of life?

Closing thoughts

I love absorbing wisdom from different people / background, because nobody can offer us the ultimate answer for all life challenges.  Person A may good at business topic according his / her experiences in the field, but person B may have better insights / strategics on relationships due to their happy marriage or numerous failed past-experiences..  In my opinion, to glorify / fantasize the ONLY ONE mentor is a myth.

How you feel about these videos? Or do you have any other resources that help you to become a better version of you?

Please share and comment.

Photo credit : Pixabay – 873770

5 stages of grief every survivor go through

Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but to start over.

Probably many people heard of “5 stages of grief” after the loss of loved-ones or divorce etc.  According to my personal experience, abused survivors also going through similar healing / grieving process.     It’s not necessary have specific order or time limit for each stage as it depends on individuals’ perception / experiences : some may stuck at certain stage much longer than other stages; jump around or wandering back and forth.

Denial

Human born to have coping mechanism to protect ourselves and eliminate pains / hurts while handling disasters/trauma.   But this habit may sometimes obstruct our objective thinking.   For example, when we are confronted by difficult situation we tend to deny the facts.

It’s common to find wives who deny all evidences indicated from their husband’s affairs, they reject to accept the truth that the so-called good marriage actually ended long time ago; someone who has anger issues reject to see the deep-rooted childhood abused issues.

It’s so scary to admit and dealing with truths so people usually chose to ignore problems.  During this stage, victims feel numb, confused and avoid any hints / signals that obviously seen.  Wives who were betrayed make excuses to rationalize their husbands’ disloyal attitudes in smoothing overwhelming emotions.

Survivors who was abused in childhood may may block out conversations whenever people bring up childhood topics.  I knew it because I was one of them, even until today I still not 100% comfortable to share my childhood stories.  I have chatted with several abused survivors who were raised by toxic / abusive parents, but explained their situations in a oddly calm tone, acted like there’s nothing bad happened to them, or tried very hard to glorify the whole experience.

Victims may isolated, withdraw from friends and society in avoiding reality.  Unfortunately, the more we deny, the longer we delay the healing process.

It took me years to overcome my fears, shame and finally willing to open my heart and eyes to explore more about my situation.  I used to act like a ostrich, who bury my head to the sand.

Anger

When victims were confronted to face the facts, usually not only ignore and deny, but also the most common initial emotion that emerged is anger.

I used to misunderstood this emotion but now realize “anger” is just a mask of many hidden emotions, e.g. fear, shame, frustration, anxiety, worry, etc.   Very often, when people were embarrassed, their uncontrollable anger will be burst out irrationally.  Obviously, it’s much easy to put the blame to others than unmasking / dealing the truth.

People can feel angry and throw temper to their friends, loved-ones, outsiders : common TV episodes showed family members yell, scream to doctors / nurses who were failed to heal their significant others / loved ones; when a friend point out how abusive their partner are, or disclose their partners’ cheating behaviors, etc.  wives / husbands will get angry towards these supporting friends for judging their personal lives.

In some other cases, victims can get angry on their own selves for making stupid mistakes and decisions, e.g picked the wrong person to marry.  I experienced an extreme angry phrase years ago, though I seldom project my anger to others but tend to bury all these frustration inward.  There’s no suitable words can be used to describe my feelings, it’s just like a huge fire burning inside and there’s nothing I can do to calm it down.  I was so furious for myself for being naive, listen to abuser’s comments and orders; angry at myself for not able to be brave, speak out and stand up for myself.

Bargaining

At this stage, victims try to resolve and control the situation, which is clarified as the weakest stage by many professionals. It’s because people who reach this status are willing to do everything in order to postpone, amend any mistakes that made, or change the situation.

For example, many people may spend huge amount of money on different alternative treatments after they were diagnosed from serious illness.   A wife who is suffering from domestic violence / narcissistic abused may seek out spiritual healers, have new superstitious belief about their past-lives, current relationships etc.

Victims will try to make a deal or promise, do anything to take away those pains and problems.  They are hungry for information, jump around asking for helps / advice from their friends / family, e.g. buy expensive clothes / cosmetics in order to attract their men back.  “Please tell me what to do and I will do anything” is a sign for people at this stage, they willing to compromise and make any changes to make things happen.

When I look back to my life, there’s time I was SO hungry for any information / knowledge I can be found.  Now I understand I was in panic mode, trying my every effort to dig out the ultimate solution which can lift me up to the ground from the bottom. I was crazy and spent hours and hours to join numerous courses, books and seminars.   I’m still eager to learn all healing techniques but now is more reasonable and time manageable.  Absorb information more wisely.

Depression

Victims at this stage feeling hopeless, helplessness, vulnerable, unmotivated and there seem nothing can be done to fix the problems.  This is the time people give up, depressed or easily indulged in destructive behaviors / habits, e.g. substance abuse, eating disorder or gambling, etc.

Some may upset for wasting such a lot of time on a wrong person; depressed for wasting so much money buying luxury things for their loved-one, shamed for not speaking up about their sexual abused stories by relatives / family members.

I picked up binge-eating to smooth my emotions / anger and frustration.  I thought I never have depression but now with a more clear mentality, noticed that I was actually suffered from PTSD and depression for years, though symptoms were not severe because I mainly eat for my emotions.  This is definitely not a good coping mechanism but at least it distract me from touching another destructive behavior.   When things go right, I was doing OK, but when flashbacks and emotions dived in, my daily life can be collapsed completely for days, weeks or even months.

Acceptance

After going through all denial, mourning moments, survivors will reach the stage accept facts.  They started to face the situation bravely and listen to others’ comments / suggestions.

A female / male who was finally accepted they were actually betrayed by partners will start to search for professional help, e.g. marriage counselling, or accept the reality of such relationship already ended so they move on.  An abused survivor start to accept what actually happened in the past and will strive to heal from abusive experience, e.g. start to eat healthy, exercise or get rid of destructive behaviors.  They explore new plans and options to start a new chapter of life.

Closing thoughts

According to my own experience, anyone who go through any kinds of traumatic events should cut themselves some slacks.   Healing and coping loss is a very unique / personal experience. Outsiders can never fully understand what you been through and doubt about your emotions reactions to certain things.

Please allow yourself to grieve naturally according to your own tempo.  Cry, yell and depressed when you need, but just make sure you get back to the horse with more strength and wisdom.

Photo credit : Pixabay – techzia

Quote of the day # 3 : Scapegoating

Scapegoating is a form of abuse & bullying occurs in the place

you should feel most safe – your family.

– Glynis Sherwood

Are you familiar with this term? How you feel about it?

Photo credit : Pixabay – Greyerbaby

How long it takes to heal a broken heart ?

“In tragedy, it’s hard to find a good resolution,

it’s not black and white, but a big fog of gray.”

 – Paul Dano

I can’t help but my heart sink while watching below video : a homeless man plays piano (Come Sail Away) he found at street, this bring me have an urge to write about common myths of healing after traumatic events.

Story Behind

Donald Gould, a 51 year old guy started played piano as a kid and later in US Marine Corps. Studied music at University since he wanted to teach music.

In 1998, his wife died unexpectedly – he was totally lost and hit rock bottom of his life.  Not only started struggling with substance abuse but also lost custody of his only 3 years old son.  He became homeless and live in the street for years.

This until one day he found a piano at street and was videotaped by a passerby, who posted it online thus he became famous suddenly

Pain is uniquely personal experience

People who never experienced traumatic events, e.g. abused / tragedy will have difficulties to fully understand why and how it takes so long for victims to heal (or so-called “get over it”).

Truth is every human is so unique, different person experience same event is not necessary behave or react the same.  Some people survived from accidents/disasters may move on easily and quickly, but other survivors may suffer from PTSD or depression.  The way how individual respond to incidents are various and can be affected by many other internal / external factors, e.g. characteristics, family background, past experiences, support systems etc.  Numerous unpredictable elements will alter how different individual coping with grief, loss or pain.

In my opinion, it’s unfair to judge any individual’s own experiences according to our own perception.  We are not that person, or if when we never experience the same situation, it’s impossible to imagine how exactly it cause their pains.  Simply throwing irresponsible comments such as “that person can move on after that incident, why can’t you?” is unhelpful.

Healing process can’t speed up

Many outsiders primary have good intentions to support victims, hope to round things up quickly. To protect and stop victims continuing indulge in hurtful feelings / memories, they may try to weaken the seriousness of trauma, comforting survivors by saying “past is past, let’s move on, or even more worse blame-the victim by saying “I told you so…”., etc.  Or never bring up the matters again, in their philosophy “out of sight, out of mind’.

Unfortunately, the most damage that any traumatic events bring to a person is not only physical but more importantly are emotional and psychological effects.  Physical wounds can be seen and healed over times, but emotional scars are invisible and difficult to set a timer on it.

Anyone who experienced an abusive relationship / history or other kinds of trauma will experience “frozen moments”.  They can walk, speak and live like a normal personal psychically but psychologically act like a zombie wandering around without soul.

Healing needs time, but how much time is enough? We can never get the clear answer because every individual survivor is so unique, each one healing schedule is so different.  Terrible consolation to an abused survivor is asking them to pull themselves together.    Some take weeks, months, and others may need years or even a lifetime.

That’s why law sentenced abusers (child molesters, child abusers, human traffickers etc) severely because it’s not about physical damages but uncountable emotional / psychological turmoils that survivors need to carry years after trauma.

What not-to-do

Push survivors to heal without honoring their own schedule or blame the victim can never help victims.  In fact, the more you push the more they shut down and scare away.  They just not ready yet and need time to figure things out on their own speed / agenda.

Many survivors may feel the guilt / shame for not forgiving / healing as quickly as possible, or have pressure of being judge as “too sensitive”, “over-thinking”, so they act like nothing happened, cover up wounds, swallow anger / sadness / frustration inward.  All so-called helps may simply adding salt to the wound

Closing thoughts

Above mentioned guy obviously experienced traumatic event on his life.  He might has personal issues originally but his wife’s death was a trigger that lead his life go further south afterwards.  It’s sad to see a talent person reached that point  I can imagine one who gave up his life in such great degree was suffering from a tremendous grief of loss.

This story indicated how big impact of trauma can do us, and how little we do as support system.

How you feel about the story of this man?

Photo credit : Unsplash

Change your adult attachment style to have a lovely relationship (Part 2)

Every time you’re tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past, or a pioneer of the future? 

– Deepak Chopra

This is part 2 of adult attachment style.

Anyone who never had experience of growing up from dysfunctional / toxic / abusive family, they just don’t have clear clues how painful, confused and disorientate it can be.  I can’t emphasize enough it’s very important to educate public, especially primary caretakers as the way they raise their child will definitely alter his / her every aspect of life.

Not as causal as many outsiders think, or simply throw sentences : “past is past, let’s move on!”, “Don’t cry on spilled milk”.   Once an individual’s self-belief, self-image and self-confidence etc was damaged / distorted, it needs lots more of time / energy / methods to heal the wounds than don’t make it happen at the first place.

Dismissive attachment style

If a child is rejected / betrayed continually by parents, raising in a toxic, lack of love, care environment, he / she will have difficulties to develop maturely.  As times goes by, they learn to mother themselves independently during the development process.  They managed to disconnect from parents and environment,  shut down emotions or ask for help in order to limit those harmful / hurtful feelings / emotions.  The whole time they are in survival mode, tackle all life challenges by themselves and realized that it’s better not relying on others, even parents.  People can’t be trust.

Sadly, this unhealthy relationship pattern is prolonged to adulthood.  People of this type are very detached from people and environment.  They feel more comfortable and safer to do everything alone, don’t consider the necessity and importance of close relationship with others.  Besides, they view relationships never last long, or are dangerous / hurtful.  They worry things out of their control and love to live on their own terms.  In such, they don’t need to deal with disappointments, rejections or emotions that potentially evolved with companion.  They seem so “COLD” like a zombie.

They may jump from relationships to relationships as simply a thought of long-lasting relationship already scare them away, or prefer long-distance relationship because it won’t consume all their energy / attention in which they never willing to sacrifice 100% because of the fear of failure in relationship.  Since they don’t have great desire of closeness with others, they will never have motivation to figure out what’s the problem and solution – feeling everything just fine.

A female solo-traveler I met on the road years ago was exactly belong to this type : very independent, tough and love to do everything on her own.  She doesn’t care hanging around with other fellow travelers and reacted extremely sensitive, always worrying that other travelers or locals took advantage from her.  Similar to me, she had a difficult childhood and guess that’s the reason we bound to each other so quickly at the beginning.  But after spending some time traveled with her, I felt so exhausted mentally, end up we argued and split up.

I quite understand why she suppress her feelings / emotions, but it’s just too difficult to relate to someone who was so isolated, rejected to open up her thoughts/ideas while planning itinerary.  People with dismissive adult attachment style tend to avoid conflict / stress by distancing themselves.

Preoccupied

In our society, people are praised and judged according to how much money, what title they hold etc.  This give excuses for people of this type to chase their success, fame, reputation even further without critics.  In fact, they are very self-critical, insecure, low self-esteem thus need continued attention, approval and reassurance from others.  No matter how success, beautiful or wealthy they are, the internal never-ended self-doubts and comparisons are killing them.

They hungry for so-called achievements at the expense of other’s benefits, e.g. families harmony or own health.  At surface, such over-work pattern project an image of diligent, industrious but the truth is they love to be admired, complimented and always worrying one day their status will be faded.  In order to maintain their current positions/status, they work even more hours or skipping more friends/family events.

Not saying that working hard is bad but there’s a fine line.  According to psychology, anyone who put everything on one basket signaling something wrong, e.g. sex / drug addiction, over-work, probably trying to escape from something that afraid to confront, e.g. a bad marriage or a lonely / boring life.

There are another group of people from this type, who don’t care much about money or career etc, but addict to relationships.  Deep inside, they have low self-esteem and don’t believe they are worthy enough to have a good relationship, thus always worry and afraid being rejected / betrayed by others.  Because of the fear, they keep an eye / ears on their partners all time, very clingy, needy or overly dependent with their friends / partners, e.g. excessive calling, texting. They are willing to do everything pleasing their partners / friends in exchanging of care and attention.

People with healthy boundary have a balance between relationships : maintain an intimate / close relationships with others while owing their own lives, hobbies, personal time.  Unfortunately, people with preoccupied attachment style have problems to smooth their inner insecurities without react desperately in their relationships.

Closing thoughts

Doesn’t mean we will stuck in same style forever, but attachment theory giving us some guidance, showing how our behaviors / thoughts are influenced.  Research shows that it’s difficult for individuals to change from one attachment style to another, unless an individual alert to the problems and willing to make changes on their own wishes – to break through the unhealthy pattern.

Secure attachment type is the most healthy personality and we should surround ourselves with them more.   Besides, work on developing our self-confidence, self-image issues and learning more about relationships.  Sure It needs to take lots of practice and effort, since unlearning wrong patterns to re-build a healthy one takes time and courage.

And if you are secure type, please be patience and don’t being too pushy to your partners / friends (in case they are dismissive/avoidant or preoccupied).    The more you push the more you’ll drive them away, they’ll getting more nervous and panic which end up push them back to their caves.   Once an individual shut down it’ll be more difficult to help them.  Show yourself as example of what is healthy relationship means, they might not saying anything but actually peeking on your behaviors/attitude, when they’re ready they’ll change and make a difference because you prove them how life and relationship can be so lovely.

Do you know anyone belongs to these types? how you feel and handle?

Photo credit : Shaun Dunphy

Quote of the day # 2 : Dysfunctional home

Children in Dysfunctional homes at risk of abuse are kept in danger for too long, because politically correct rules we won’t challenge unfit parents.

– Michael Gove

Do you agree?

Photo credit : Pixabay : Skitterphoto