The scapegoat is blame for family’s problem, the rest of its members are stay in denial to their own contribution to this affairs.
You have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.
You have the power! Don’t you realize it? You owe yourself to achieve what you dream of.
Power come from within, and it needs experience, knowledge and wisdom to back up. So keep on learning and exploring.
Image credit : Pixabay – Unsplash
Bit scare and feel uncertain at the moment.
Found a lump on back for long, fear of finding the truth until now…well… kind of ready to confront my fear. Everyone afraid of terminal illness or die right? What if doctor diagnose me only have 3 / 6 months left?
What’s the purpose of my life? I’ve been stumble over years ….. when I start to live my life, then what? Time to end? I’m afraid so procrastinate to see doctor.
As an abuse survivor, many years was lost so I’m anxious to count my time left on earth from time to time. The more I realize stolen years the more I feel miserable / frustrated. But at the same time it push me to squeeze time to do the best I can nowadays.
Why I am here?
Reason I start this Blog and other social media platforms, because according to my personal experience, understand how difficulty / lonely / rough during healing journey.
Glad I love reading and surf around the net to find answers, over the years, many survivors share their stories openly and bravely so I am able to grab their insights / wisdom and courage bits by bits.
From the beginning refuse to admit my story, then acknowledged my situation, anger / frustration and hurtful memories bombarded me uncontrollably.
My Miserable Past
Remembered there were times I sat miserably at the park for nights, wandering around lonely for days, depressed and totally gave up myself. It’s sad and I don’t know how can I live through all those years. I was just completely lost, simply exist not alive.
There were moments I wanted to jump off the building, foolishly hope let public know about my story, I was screamed loudly in my heart, why me? why no justice? What happened and what’s wrong with me?
Because of other survivors’ stories, I regain courage / energy to restore, refresh and reborn again.
Though I’m not yet finish my healing or should I say there’s still a long way to go, but at least, if comparing to a year ago, I’m a better person now (both emotionally and psychologically).
This is why I want to share my bits of perspective / findings so hopeful my story / mistakes can help some people who are struggling now. Just like how I survive and regain power from other survivors’ stories.
Don’t know what will happen for the medical examination, but I always have a thought of what can I do before I die, or left behind the society after.
I’m grateful to have this platform to share with like-mind people. I carry many emotional baggage / trauma fro past and feel necessary to educate public.
Hate to see people go through the same path like me, this is why I start this platform.
Healing journey is bumpy, but Stay Strong!
Being able to survive, doesn’t mean it was ever OK.
I was sad. Though not devastated, but again I felt frustrated / sorry for myself.
It’s been 8+ months of my just-quit job, uncomfortable whenever I found colleagues manage to social well, have better relationship with other instructors / students / co-workers.
I’m not a bad person, or should I mention considering myself as kind, considerate and nice person in comparing to many “fake” / narcissists / mean / arrogant people at workplace. What’s wrong with me? Am I really end up live and die alone?
Am I really evolve?
Comparing to the past, I’ve already made quite a breakthrough for myself. Not many people can understand how hard and awkward we – childhood survivors to establish and maintain a relationship. Not mentioning the intimate one but also other social relationship at work and friends cycle.
No matter how much time has passed, how many courses we attended, books we read, it seems there still have many hidden trauma issues hold us back continuously.
Cling onto relationships
I found many childhood abuse survivors are very clinging to others, friends, lovers or anyone they can rely on. They tend to become controlling, co-dependent and pay 200% attention on surrounding people.
I knew it and totally understand how much burden we carry in having relationship with these type of clinging people. Because my sister belongs to this type. Over the years, because of her insecure, lack of confidence and jealousy issues, I kind of like living under her spotlights, it’s an extremely tiring journey.
Both of us grew up in dysfunctional family but it affect us completely different. Not only because personality / character are originally different but also we choose different route to handle all chaos at abusive house.
Start from the beginning, she chose to stand at my abusive dad’s side, join hands to hurt / bully me. This not only can ease her jealousy but also gain lots of advantages from my Dad.
Nowadays I understand if there’s an abuser / narcissist, there must has someone stand next to them in supporting his her evil acts. There were so many times I hate her so much because of her betray and selfishness.
But now when I look at her, who is experiencing a miserable life, depressed and lonely. I know this is not the life I want and I do feel relief for myself : fighting back and not conform to the dysfunction, it’s a tough journey combine with lots of invisible scars, but sometimes I do feel proud of myself – have enough courage to stand up for myself, refuse to follow her path long time ago.
Keep an arm distance
This is me. I have trust issue with people since young. Obviously, I learned that people are hurtful and can’t be trust / rely on, even though they are your so-called family members.
Generally chit chat and social is fine for me, I’m not freaky or like a psychopath. At surface, people view me a normal person, but I always keep a certain distance from others. I feel uncomfortable to disclose my lives / stories to others, to avoid outsiders dig deep and eventually judge me, I don’t step over other people’s business too. For me, this is a safe social boundary.
This make many people feel I’m cold, mystery, secret and hard to get closer. I tend to isolate myself from surroundings, feel more comfortable to stay in my cave than sharing my emotions / stories with others. In such, I found myself lack of not only family but greatly social support. When I was hurt and sad, I kind of licking my wounds quietly at my own dark corner.
I knew this is my biggest problem so I have learned to write, this is a huge breakthrough for me as I have learned to share. This ease my pain and emotions.
Another thing I felt sad was proofing that workplace is cruel. Once you quit, those who used to be close / caring (at least pretending) changed faces immediately. They were no longer interested to say hello or chat with you because they knew they can’t get anything from my position now. It’s sad to discover the truth and once again make me feel unsafe to get close to people. People is difficult to be trust.
How about you? do you have difficulties to have relationship with others? or have you ever met someone who is kind of weird in your eyes? They seem so unattached to the environment?
I can tell you, they are not weird, but just don’t know how to interact. Deep down, they are hungry for love and care but just scare. Like me.
Photo credit : Unsplash
May be I don’t cry, but it hurts;
May be I won’t say, but I feel;
May be I don’t show but I care.
Can’t remember since when I started to numb my emotions / feelings. Of course I still have regular human responses, such as angry, sad or happy but mostly I shut myself up for a very long period of time, especially if they are family related.
The more self-education about abuse I obtained the more I understand this is a typical coping mechanism for many abuse survivors. We must disassociate ourselves from people / environment in order to cease / limit any potential emotional breakdown.
Violated social norms
It’s just so difficult for any abusers to fight against social norms / expectations. Like many other survivors, I never open myself up to share my story / experiences with others. Because I understand what we are about to share are not what majority people love to believe or listen in society.
Don’t mean to judge but this is the fundamental comfort zone for many people, it’s uncomfortable for many people to know / accept the truth that there’s dysfunctional families, there are parents who are not good for their kids. People feel more relieved or easy to digest for positive family stories.
It’s understandable but sure will make survivors feel uncomfortable to talk about their stories. This make us feel isolated from the crowd.
Betrayed by family
I always have problems to understand whenever seeing movies / TV episodes showing how people cry for their parents / family members’ problems, illness or felt touched when they sacrifice to do something good for them. I was confused and mentally stuck at those scenes.
This never happened to me as in my family, parents are non-questionable authority figures so kids must do whatever was told / ordered. There’s no so-called unconditioned love as we need to exchange our benefits / welfare / rights for attention / love.
Though I was so naive, young without many concrete concepts about definitions of parenting or healthy family. But somehow I sense how different of my family in comparing to others.
My mom was emotional abusive, neglected us and I was treated like her maid helped her to do housework. She’s an unhappy, jealous and emotional unstable woman who married my dad at very young age, simply want to escape from an abusive relative. I sense her regret for being tapped with a man not in love with.
Later when she found another man, she ran away and left 3 young kids (the youngest only 1 year old) with their narcissistic / abusive father, who cares only his benefits, lack of empathy. Straightly mentioned, not really mentally / psychologically well equipped as a parent. This further make me want to stay away from the “normal” crowd as I was so shamed for being raised in such kind of family.
Different from same age fellows
I was so self-conscious to hide all secrets for my own. Whenever my friends / classmate chatted about their families, parents or siblings. I just can’t resonate, feel stuck, staring at empty space in avoiding my turn to share.
Today when I look back, realized that I actually spent lots of lonely times at school during my childhood / teenager years. People think I was very shy / introvert, well, I do have many introvert traits, but most of the time was because I was afraid to attract attention, be asked for what’s going on in family or how I was doing during holidays.
I just don’t have much to share as I was not living like a normal kid / teenager. When my classmates / friends hanging around with their friends, participate different extracurricular activities, I was busy at non-stopped household works, raising my sisters and took care of my childish father. There were tons of chaos running daily in my life. Remember I used to take a deep breath and sigh whenever I put my keys out in front of home, just exhausted not only physically but mainly emotionally – don’t know what would happened that day after I step inside my toxic family. My unique life distance myself from majority of normal kids at my age.
Alien at workplace / Love environment
Generally, parents like to see their child has better education, success in career, happy and own their families one day. But that’s not the case in many dysfunctional families again.
Manipulative / toxic parents never want to see their kids grow because this will eventually challenge their powers or harm to their selfish benefits. I was a good student with good grades but my dad was very good at using guilty / shame to trap me in his selfish / evil plan. He persuaded me that I was the one who need to responsible for chaos in the family after his divorce. Thus I was not encouraged to have my own friends, social life or continuing my education.
I was berated / blamed / insult for not being considerate whenever I want to have my own rights / desire. I was so naive (stupid) to believe that’s what I supposed to do – take over housework and officially become a mom. I was insult for not putting family at first priority or whenever I try to explore outside world. Of course today I understood how selfish my abusive dad was – who transfer all blames / responsibilities from his shoulder to a kid.
This make me had lots of difficulties relating to other colleagues when I step into job market. Not only I never know how to establish healthy relationships with people since I was caged at home most of the time, but also I was afraid to be discovered about my family and how I was treated. I was brainstormed need to sacrifice everything for my toxic family, otherwise, I was not worthy for the family.
Because of my abusive histories, I was extremely nervous to have any romantic relationships, not only because my dad humiliated me when I dress well or attempt to socialize with others, but also I was terrified once they know my secrets, will no longer like me. To avoid getting hurts or dumped, I chose subconsciously not to step into any potential love relationships, or react stony when guys approach me.
Like the quote mentioned above, abuse survivors might not cry in front of you, but those hidden / unbearable hurts are tattooed in our hearts, which become part of our identities.
Abusive trauma make us have difficulties to connect with people, not only because of deep rooted trust issues but also we don’t feel safe / comfortable to share our stories or lean / rely on others. Same as many abuse survivors, I learn and manage very well to do everything on my own since early age. It’s sad / lonely but at least keep me peace, and in fact we can’t find the common grounds that can relate to majority of people.
Next time when you see someone who’s sitting alone during lunch break, please go forward or invite them as your companion. They may not as weird / strange as you think, but simply feeling uncomfortable to approach others, or try to protect themselves from hurts after going through tough times.
They may not say anything at the beginning or react cold to your kindness, but I assure you that they actually appreciate your effort for being supportive.
Are you survivor? Do you feel similar loneliness even if you surround by many people? How do you handle it?
Photo credit : Pixabay – PublicDomainPictures