In abusive family, no one for a child to tell and hide.
They kept the pain to themselves while a part of them died.
People who fall into adult trauma bonds seek to the rescued from their painful childhood.
They crave validation from others in an attempt to escape the shame that defines them.
Some parents are completely undeserving of their child’s love. It’s not automatic. As in any kinds of relationship. It must be earned.
When we used to get hurt, we don’t know how to react when others appreciate us, so we end up pushing people away.
What I observe
My new consulting career force myself go outside to attend seminars and networking occasionally. This totally out of my comfort zone since my life is quite routine (boring?) and mostly alone. Feeling uncomfortable however, this is a must for any soloentreneur.
Over the past few months, I’ve been observed many speakers / visitors etc. in public situations and noticed there are people who look very fierce / unapproachable or seem harsh. Whenever the host ask us to connect or take part of some activities, I tend to move away from this type of seem-unfriendly people.
This makes myself do lots of self-reflection. Am I one of them?
I used to consider myself as extrovert since I love to explore, travel and always curious to learn new things. No doubt to attend any talks / functions alone as long as it interests me. Until I read more articles about introvert from professionals then realize and rename myself as an introvert.
If you are also an introvert, you should understand what and how we introverts feel : although we still very curious to explore here and there, but eventually we need time to release our tension from activities. Our energy drained when spending too much time around people. In fact, we don’t enjoy social, chit chat very much. Not because we hate people but simply need lots of private time to recharge.
There are no problems for us to stay alone/silent for the whole day / week, by just diving into books / videos or anything that interests us. Seriously, I can speak to nobody for a week / month (though it’s unhealthy to wellbeing so not encourage).
I know it. Especially start from this year, realize and admit more about the importance of having a relationship with another human.
This is also one of the destructive habits abuse survivor developed since childhood. We were so exhausted / drained by all the chaos and trauma at home. After going through all the emotional / psychological battles….today when we are adults, we become cherish more to peace, quiet or no non-sense life, e.g. gossips, conflicts etc.
Same, my abuse family taught me to self-nurture and solves problems by myself since very early age. This lead me to grow up very fast, more resistant to other kids, but at the same time, we lost the tendency to ask for help / support from others. When our biological family betrays us, this disrupts all our beliefs and trust that others can rely on.
No doubt we become very independent but also dive into the dangerous zone : “ALONE” mode forever.
Lost the ability to Relate
Combining with inborn personalities and after birth life history. This actually destroys my abilities to communicate with others. I found myself having difficulties to connect with others comfortably. Many of the times, either I feel exhausted / impatience or lack of motivation to connect.
The longer history of feeling comfortable to being ALONE actually destroys my willingness to connect. This is not a good sign and I consciously want to change this inhuman ability since this year. More self-improvament work need to be done.
Maybe, there are other survivors having similar struggles like me. They are misunderstood by others for the whole life, which in fact they hungry for love, care and acceptance. We just need more time than other normal people.
However, who else will stay so long, be patience to understand us, before we are judged?
Whenever I look around in networking environments, kept on asking myself ….. am I look alike these seem unapproachable people?
Deep down I know myself NOT, but may be the long established mode made me look-alike them for protecting myself being hurt again.
Encourage you to check on yourself, maybe you also project your inner fear / insecure to the public world? Is it the reason to explain why we always attract wrong people to us? They think we are the same group of people but in fact we belong to another group of people who misundertsand us?
Remember there’s a saying : if we want to have a certain type of partner / friend, we must become their type first.
What do you think? Are you react to the world exactly what you meant inside? Or you always give the wrong message to others? How do you feel about my findings? Welcome for your comments.
Image Credit : Unsplash – Tamara Bellis
People read this Blog might laugh at me for being so …… showoff? How stupid I’m to claim for such a small number of fans, while there are many celebrity got their hundreds / thousands of fans. Ooops…
Nope! The truth is I tried to give up either this blog / FB Page several times, especially when there are only have few nos. of people hang around. Also when I worked, my life just crazily busy and exhausted every day without any more energy to do other things.
Seriously…Wish I have more Time
I am not full time blogger or FB manager so need to squeeze time here and there in order to balance & manage everything. I enjoy the sharing moments : sometimes when I read something good and worth to share, I will scream at my heart….OH, I got to share this publicly so in case someone read it….or may be this can empower him / her to have a nice day…so and so.
Because of trust issue and insecurity, I get used to stay alone though sometimes I feel lonely and hopeless. This blog and FB platform helps me to stretch further from my comfort zone and learning to be more brave to open myself. And there are times I asked myself, what if one day when I die, what did I do to contribute to this planet? I die my physical body will go but my words will be seen by others forever. It seems good, worth to live with purpose.
Writing & Sharing help Survivors to heal
During my healing journey, learned so much and gained courage to speak up for myself finally, this is a huge step forward for me since I kept all secrets and carried all emotional baggage for years. I felt shame and guilty to complain or own my history.
Reason I started this blog and my FB page, not only find a channel to smooth my thoughts / emotions but also, I would like to join the abuse survivors’ force, to contribute my bits. Break the taboos and silence so hopefully can help others to heal at their own pace too.
Thank You to you ALL
Thanks for many of you always support and give me courage to keep on.
Please feel free to comment and share whenever you feel like, or you are very welcome to drop by my Facebook Page, I’m kind of more active, more posts to be shared over there, since I am not limited to the access of desktop like I use wordpress.
My handle at Facebook @RebelliousGoat (or name Rebellious Scapegoat). Hope to see you there.
Have a lovely weekend! Love!