The scapegoat is blame for family’s problem, the rest of its members are stay in denial to their own contribution to this affairs.
You are not allowed to be yourself. Not allowed to have your own needs, personality and independence.
This Quote described my situation at dysfunctional family very well.
According to my observation, it’s not only happen in family system, but also in everyday life, such as workplace.
Many times I observed colleagues / bosses will favorite a specific staff, in order to show his / her hate on another person. Body languages displayed that these targets people are no longer worthy in their eyes.
And if it happens in family, it can destroy self-esteem / self-worth of a child, which in turn will affect his / her all aspect of life.
Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.
Every time when I read news about child abuse at family, this hurts and made me sad.
Family is suppose the most safety place for naive child. How come?
How about your family? Is it make you heartache? or make you feel warm and safe always?
Photo credit : Unsplash
It took me years to understand the term of “scapegoating”, the more I gain the knowledge, the more anger / frustration I got.
Wish I can understand this term when I was young, it can definitely save me lots of energy / time towards healing journey.
Hope less people will be trapped like me for so long.
Some People desperately look for Scapegoat, because they don’t want to see the truth.
– Jonathan Davis
Dysfunctional Family or any toxic system need a scapegoat. This is how the system works and the more people inside the system want to escape from blame / trouble, such toxic system will be bonded much stronger and exist longer.
Abusers need an Excuse
It’s difficult to explain to outsiders what’s going on inside dysfunctional family. Usually there’s a kid who is rebellious as he / she noticed the “sickness” inside family and not willing to conform the dysfunction. This makes abuser (usually parents) feel insecure so need a scapegoat to blame on.
Then when outsiders judge or curious about what’s happening in “look-good” family, these abusive parents will have a well-explained excuse to escape from their parental responsibilities : now it’s not their faults, they have already do their best and every other family members seems satisfied and live happier……only the so-called “bad” child is the one who ruins the harmony of the family.
People are lazy to find out the truth, we all are busy at our own issues so when you present outsiders a “seem-reasonable / OK” answers, why they care or some of them may not willing to accept the truth. So they accept and believe such troubled kid should take all responsibilities. Parents don’t love this kid because he/she is “bad”.
Abusers project their anger / frustration to Victim
Not uncommon to read news occasionally indicates that someone – who was a well-known priest / professionals / authorities etc. but was charged for domestic violence, unethical issues, e.g. sexual / child abuse etc.
According to psychology theory of “projection” – a common defense mechanism : there are chances when a person who blame / hate the most of certain topics, or have a stronger stereotypes, e.g. homosexual is evil, child molester is monster etc. the more they openly criticize a topic / person in public, potentially they want to transfer focus from their hidden secrets to the target.
They may actually own these thoughts but hate themselves, most importantly they don’t want outsiders feel they belongs to same type. Thus they will blame harshly for targets so outsiders will assume….well, he / she must not do the same thing.
My ex-boss always blame / humiliate others who is messy, lack of integrity or emotional unstable, etc. She loves to preach instructors / staffs about what’s conscious living, honesty and best communication skills. It’s really annoying to listen her “wisdom” during 1.5 hours meetings weekly, doesn’t she realize she’s behave exactly what she disguise?
As you can see, this phenomenon not only happened in dysfunctional / toxic family, but many environment such as workplace too.
My ex-colleague was the typical “scapegoat” at office. Boss and colleagues treated her like an emotional trash bin, who accept all the BS. When something wrong, nobody wants to take responsibilities but transfer blame on her.
I felt bad for her every time when I heard people talked behind her back. This reminded my situation at home. It’s difficult to turn the table, during the toxic system, it’s not always an abuser exists but also those who support them.
So reality check, are you the scapegoat or the one who supports the abuse happens?
Photo credit : Unplash – Bonnie Kittle
It made me sad whenever I heard news / stories about child abuse. Every time this remind my sad childhood. Also made me mad because I deeply understand how difficult it is and how long it takes to heal / survive after long-term abuse.
Dysfunctional / abusive family destroy everything : not only the bonding between child and parents, but also child’s ability to trust, which end up affect every aspects, such as self-worth, self-confidence, relationship with others in his / her lifetime.
And if he / she has his / her own family, the trauma and dysfunctional may bring to next generation. The effect of child abuse is so tremendous and unpredictable.
Many people still misjudge / misunderstand how childhood trauma can affect individuals and people tend to blame the victims or simply ask them to forget it, move on etc. People don’t quite understand once the scars are there, even though it’s invisible but still tattooed on survivors’ souls / spirits FOREVER.
Hope more and more people get educated about this topic and take it serious.
And you? are you aware the problem?