Put your own emotional needs last – grew up with a verbally, physically abusive parent, or a manipulative one, your own emotional life will always come last in the hierarchy of household.
You take rejection and failure very hard. Children of toxic parents often have a terrifying reaction to anything that isn’t stellar success.
Dysfunctional families have a number of pretty good actors.
– Gene Hackman
According to my personal experience, this is true that everyone is acting a specific role to maintain the so-called harmony of family system.
The scapegoat – typically the child often described as imitating, deceitful, hostile and disobedient.
There are families that always focus on a specific child, claiming that he / she is the root of all problems in family.
Do you recognize one in your circle of friends? Or sadly you actually one of these scapegoat? What’s your opinion?
Photo credit : Pixabay – cherylholt
We Fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection.
I consider myself not an aggressive person, seldom project my problems / emotions to outsiders. However I found myself handle rejection and failure not very well, or should I say kind of unhealthy.
We are Runner
Not mean run from the field, but from many struggles / situations that scare us or give us pressure.
I keep on repeating the same old habits again and again, e.g. resigned from work when feeling uncomfortable for certain colleagues / bosses or tasks; stopped calling friends when they get too close or try to dig deep about my life history; kept far away from people I fell in love or have butterflies in heart.
Simply escape from situation that I don’t know how to handle, seem impossible to manage or feel uncomfortable.
Lack of problem-solving skills
I’m a good problem solver at work or anything that not involved emotions / relationships. Unfortunately, we are living in society surrounding with different types of personalities / characters and people from different backgrounds.
Always find difficulties to handle relationship-related issues. Never learned or have a good model when grow up.
The way my family members / parents handle stress and problems are : find a scapegoat to blame on; blow up when things get tough so I used to feel like walking on eggshells everyday; or they run away, ignore problems -act like it never exists, this is what I learn and accustomed to.
My mom run away and left 3 daughters without a single word. Just disappeared forever because she’s unhappy for the marriage, never care about parental responsibilities.
My dad is abusive, narcissistic and have many personality disorder symptoms. It’s difficult to live with him without going crazy. A person who suppose to care and love you, but now a childish and abusive parent, the experience is rough.
Learn from Dysfunction
Adult survivors from dysfunctional / toxic family seldom know what’s the right way to handle stress / problems and relationships.
Since what we learned and witnessed are so sicko, unhealthy, we never know what’s normal until we educated ourselves, or when we spot behaviors from other normal families. We were brainwashed for this is how the world is running and what family suppose to be. we never judge or curious about the truth behind.
2 common traits for adult survivors : either very attached and enmeshed to a relationship, strive for attention until this scare away people. It an be very exhausted to carry another person’s burden emotionally and psychologically.
Another type, like me, will reject you before you reject us. We are not willing to invest too much / deep on friendship or any other relationship, not because we are COLD but in fact, so scare to lose or being rejected.
The most safety net is “NOT START”. It’s so stupid and self-sabotage but we can’t control.
Scare of rejection
The pain of being rejected by parents / family was so fierce and we don’t have courage to re-experience similar pain again. We stop / avoid any chance of being hurt by building up a wall.
Sometimes when you meet someone who seem not welcoming for your existence, perhaps it really means they don’t like you. But other times it might be a signal that they afraid of losing you.
I knew it because I’m belong to that type, the more I love a person, the more I act cold because I don’t want my weakness / vulnerability will be showed to that person.
Have you meet someone who seems so unattached? Don’t you realize they just scare and fear of rejection / failure?
Or if you are survivor, How you handle?
Photo credit : Unsplash – Abigail Keenan
Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.
Every time when I read news about child abuse at family, this hurts and made me sad.
Family is suppose the most safety place for naive child. How come?
How about your family? Is it make you heartache? or make you feel warm and safe always?
Photo credit : Unsplash
You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.
Gym I used to go will soon moved to a new location. I’m feeling ….. lost.
People might feel strange about my feelings but it’s not just a “place” for me to exercise, instead it’s filled with many emotions, struggles and memories. Now the centre is close so kind of like my past was buried.
I can’t survive without the existence of this centre, and make me think about the 3 C’s of any healing journey.
Choice – only make one small change at a time
At the beginning, simply because I was sick of being trapped at my self-destructive behaviors / depression. I wanted to do something, change and take control of my life. I used to stuff myself food after food to ease my inner pain. Completely throw the towel.
I was completed gave up and messed up, didn’t know what’s the purpose to live for and swallow for how this all happened to me? I was so devastated and depressed. Life so dreadful and seem hopeless.
I somehow manage to reflect when my emotion is on track, not staying in bed for days. Thought if nobody care and love me, then let me love myself. So I started to join gym membership and spent lots of time in gym.
It’s a safe place for me to hang around, simply relax or did nothing. Just need a break from chaos life. Finally I have a place to go to, didn’t need to wander around the street wait until everybody sleep so I can back home; can read, watch TV etc., love the sense of freedom. Sooner I started to hop on machines to do bits of exercise.
Exercise habits begun and when I see the progress and all biological / physiological changes of my body, I exercised more. Besides, heard how exercise can help depression so I tried to force myself to do it though sometimes I didn’t have mood to do so.
Day after day, eventually shed off 100+ lbs. I didn’t take a big leap but just tiny bits by bits.
Chance – aware new opportunities
Then one day a dancing class attract my attention. I thought SCREW IT, just try it. Never a good dancer but love music or catch up the beats. Instead, I’m always the most clumsy one in the class, but just kept on pushing myself to attend class….
Then started to set some goals for myself, such as “lose 2 lbs before next class” so I can look better in the mirror.
Although I never feel comfortable to social, look extremely cool, unfriendly and kept everyone an arm distance, scare people will ask me too many personal questions, but I take the opportunity and gave myself a chance to try new things.
My confidence / self-esteem start to build up, and start to think again : well, if I can conquer such a big challenge, what else I can’t change?”. Thus I take the healing journey a step further.
Change – your life will become better
It’s like a snowball effect.
Because I have more confidence, I’m more willing to put myself out to explore and learn, in such, able to encounter / meet more people I admire. Started to observe why some people are so confident and charming, how can I become them?
There’s a saying “If you don’t see you are changing, it means you did nothing for the past months / years so your are not growing”.
That’s true, I used to admire some people but after months / years when listened / read their opinions again, I no longer agree them as much as I was at the beginning.
In the past, I thought this was my problem but now I understand because if we are growing continuously – our mindset / perspective will be different. That’s actually a good sign of self-development.
Remember the movie “Cast Away” by Tom Hanks? The main support for him when he was in the island was the “football”, it’s the only “human” he can rely on while he’s lonely and frustrated – help to maintain his spirits and soul without going sane.
Similar to me, gym is not a gym. Feel sad,lost and sure will miss it, but at the same time feel blessed for its existence during my tough / foggy years.
How about you? Do you have any place that you seriously attached to? where it filled with unforgettable memories?
Photo Credit : Unsplash – Graphic Mama
It’s easier to build up a child than repair an adult.
Chose your words wisely.
Do you agree it’s much difficult to heal an adult than nurturing a child properly?
I knew it because it took me years to reach this point but there still a long road ahead.
Image Credit : Pixabay – Unsplash
Stop letting people who do too little for you – control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions
– Will Smith
Many abused child who raised in dysfunctional / toxic family, like me, are not able to aware toxic family system.
This is what we get used to : chaos, abused, bullied, neglect, either physically or emotionally, even though when adults of abusive family survived and manage to stumble upon adulthood, but many of us still stuck at unhealthy mindset / behaviors.
Some of us acknowledge the challenge but don’t know how to get out from the crap; others may even don’t realize the effects on them, so when you don’t see the problem, you can never know the problem need to be fixed.
Many people don’t understand why victims keep on attracting or tolerate abusers / narcissists continuously into their lives.
Can’t explain all cases but according to my own experiences, I would say many of us are not conscious of our choices, it might because the loneliness or naive.
Many seem uncomfortable to hang around with people who are sweet, nice, kind or treat us well with respect, sadly this is not what we accustomed to when we were young, we are so afraid or subconsciously we don’t believe we deserve to be loved.
That’s why many professionals said it can easily take a whole life to heal simply few minutes or one incident of trauma.
Do you agree? Please share your comments or share this post to increase pubic awareness.