In narcissistic family system, poor family boundaries are norm. Intrusiveness, mistreatment, abuse is normalized.
You have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them.
Your inner voice is incredibly critical – children of toxic parents often have a severe deficit in self-esteem and self-worth.
When I was young, thought it’s what every child suppose to do at home.
Since we were not allowed to have a healthy social life, kind of locked up in the dysfunctional family so I don’t know what’s normal.
This until the more I approach outsiders, the more I read and educate myself, I was noticed that my role is exchanged with toxic parents.
In personal experience, sure it will damage child’s basic needs and developmental journey.
From time to time, I depressed for all those years I lost and took me years to establish all the necessary skills to survive in the society.
That’s why people say the person who anger with you is not really related to what you do sometimes.
It’s probably they had a bad day or going through some struggles in life that they can’t deal with.
So are you always use “displacement” to escape from your troubles?
This is not new to many of abuse survivors, people don’t quite understand why victims / survivors don’t fight for themselves or “do something”.
Sure there are strong individuals will figure it all out and stand up for themselves at early age of abuse. But there are times when victims are abused for a longer period of time, especially without enough support system, this will lead them to this “learned helplessness” mode.
I knew it because I was there. There were times I just feel no matter I do was useless and felt stuck. This until I started to pick myself up from the bottom, read and learn as many as possible I can from other survivors / experts, sooner or later, you will notice there’s a light at the end of tunnel.
So don’t give up yourself even though others give you up. Stay strong!
We Fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection.
I consider myself not an aggressive person, seldom project my problems / emotions to outsiders. However I found myself handle rejection and failure not very well, or should I say kind of unhealthy.
We are Runner
Not mean run from the field, but from many struggles / situations that scare us or give us pressure.
I keep on repeating the same old habits again and again, e.g. resigned from work when feeling uncomfortable for certain colleagues / bosses or tasks; stopped calling friends when they get too close or try to dig deep about my life history; kept far away from people I fell in love or have butterflies in heart.
Simply escape from situation that I don’t know how to handle, seem impossible to manage or feel uncomfortable.
Lack of problem-solving skills
I’m a good problem solver at work or anything that not involved emotions / relationships. Unfortunately, we are living in society surrounding with different types of personalities / characters and people from different backgrounds.
Always find difficulties to handle relationship-related issues. Never learned or have a good model when grow up.
The way my family members / parents handle stress and problems are : find a scapegoat to blame on; blow up when things get tough so I used to feel like walking on eggshells everyday; or they run away, ignore problems -act like it never exists, this is what I learn and accustomed to.
My mom run away and left 3 daughters without a single word. Just disappeared forever because she’s unhappy for the marriage, never care about parental responsibilities.
My dad is abusive, narcissistic and have many personality disorder symptoms. It’s difficult to live with him without going crazy. A person who suppose to care and love you, but now a childish and abusive parent, the experience is rough.
Learn from Dysfunction
Adult survivors from dysfunctional / toxic family seldom know what’s the right way to handle stress / problems and relationships.
Since what we learned and witnessed are so sicko, unhealthy, we never know what’s normal until we educated ourselves, or when we spot behaviors from other normal families. We were brainwashed for this is how the world is running and what family suppose to be. we never judge or curious about the truth behind.
2 common traits for adult survivors : either very attached and enmeshed to a relationship, strive for attention until this scare away people. It an be very exhausted to carry another person’s burden emotionally and psychologically.
Another type, like me, will reject you before you reject us. We are not willing to invest too much / deep on friendship or any other relationship, not because we are COLD but in fact, so scare to lose or being rejected.
The most safety net is “NOT START”. It’s so stupid and self-sabotage but we can’t control.
Scare of rejection
The pain of being rejected by parents / family was so fierce and we don’t have courage to re-experience similar pain again. We stop / avoid any chance of being hurt by building up a wall.
Sometimes when you meet someone who seem not welcoming for your existence, perhaps it really means they don’t like you. But other times it might be a signal that they afraid of losing you.
I knew it because I’m belong to that type, the more I love a person, the more I act cold because I don’t want my weakness / vulnerability will be showed to that person.
Have you meet someone who seems so unattached? Don’t you realize they just scare and fear of rejection / failure?
Or if you are survivor, How you handle?
Photo credit : Unsplash – Abigail Keenan