Quote of the day # 35 : Difficult People

Leave & thanks for all difficult people in your life, they show you exactly who you do not want to be.

 

This is exactly how I feel from time to time, their disgusting attitudes remind me strongly that I will never become this type of person.

 

What do you think?

 

 

Photo credit : Pixabay – Unsplash

BuckUp # 4 : How to deal with Toxic & Difficult people

Some people like clouds, when they disappear the day is brighter.

Video credit Source : Actualized.org

Kind of skeptical at the beginning, video settings and presenter not quite impressed me, in fact, a bit scare.  Don’t know why as it’s just personal feeling.  However, I push myself to step out of comfort zone, not being too judgmental as according to view counts, looks like he has something to say that benefit to audiences.

Surprised because people commonly create 2-5 minutes short videos but he absolutely ambitious beyond standard. Many of videos are well-worth to watch as they’re so intense / serious, make sense, combine with psychological theories.   Value of videos are similar to hundred dollars we usually pay in one-to-one course in the market.

How to deal with difficult and toxic people

The more I educated myself about toxic relationship, the more I realized there are actually many difficult / toxic people around us, e.g. narcissist, chronic downer, critic, etc. all can drag us down constantly or harm to our self-growth.  Unfortunately we can’t stay away from them always (family members, colleagues / bosses, etc.).  Learn how to deal with them is a life-long wisdom.  Or in reverse, learning how NOT-to-be a toxic people, so we can attract more positive people to our lives. “Like attract alike”.

How To Create Your Dream Career

I don’t know, are there anyone still have a dream career nowadays? I found many people drag themselves to work daily, unhappy, exhausted, back home to sleep, then another day, year…till end of life.  Many people I came across hate their jobs.  Me too.  Hope you are not one of them.

How To Stop Being Jealous

This is a good one. He loves to approach many topics based on psychology.  Jealous is not really related to another person, but our own-selves so many inner works need to be done.  I witness many people (sorry, mostly female) gossip, complain, bully, nag on their targets at work.  Most of the time, in my opinion targets didn’t do anything wrong (or do nothing actually), they were punished simply because abusers jealous of their beauty, talent, boyfriends’ status or whatsoever.

How To Stop Caring What People Think Of You

Living in society, inevitably we need to take some considerations of others’ comments / feelings.  But if we are Too concern what others think all the time, we can never live our lives according to own wishes / desires if only following the trend.

Low Self Esteem In Women

Self-esteem is a very important element for individual’s success in life / relationship / career.

How To Love Yourself

We can’t expect others love / care us until we love ourselves.

Closing thoughts

There’s no one-end solution for any problem.  Listen different perspectives from different angles can wider and open our eyes to tackle our weakness.

So have you ever deal with toxic people? Are you caring how others see you? Do you think you love yourself enough?

Photo credit :  Pixabay – Unsplash

How to identify a Narcissistic Psychopath

Protect your spirit from contamination.  

Limit your time with negative people.

– Thema Davis

“Narcissistic” – a getting-familiar term is emerged in recent years, which is a serious personality disorder.  Glad more people are acknowledged and educated gradually online.  This help me a lot since I used to be very confused, shame, trapped or don’t know how to use proper words describing my experiences.  Thought I just too demanding / unrealistic on people, too sensitive / emotional on how I was treated.

Hate to admit but somehow I attracted lots of narcissistic / toxic people, don’t know if it’s because my tone of voice, facial or body language delivering messages to abusers that they can walk over me without resistance (people do comment I look kind of gentle, soft and kind).  This always confuse me as I’ve been thinking do I really need to behave more tough, ferocious,  or mean so people will not mess with me?

Anyway, after years of experience, guess I’m well-qualified to share my bits of “wisdom” about their common traits :

Attention seekers

Since they have low self-worth, self-esteem and surprisingly lack of self-confidence, they’re hungry for external confirmation in proving their competence.  They love to show off, be respected, admired and become the center of attention.   Like a performer on stage, who know exactly what others expect so will behave / act in certain way at specific environment.

Outsiders will be attracted quickly at the beginning by their success, humor, charm or generosity that exhibited.   Only people who are closed to them will know the truth behind scene, despise these hypocritical gestures and rolling eyes at the corner of the stage.

Be superior

They have difficulties to accept different individual have their own talents, instead, viewing others are inferior to them.

Work with narcissistic bosses is a torture experience : they judge, humiliate and verbal abuse those who under his / her supervision, making insulting comments or put people down constantly.  They considered themselves as the most knowledgeable, wise and skillful person in that environment.  People should listen and follow what they ordered.

They’re so afraid being judged or temper can be explodes when their mistakes were found.  They hate to be “wrong” in any of their decisions / judgement since this downgrade their admiration points to others.  In such, they will yell, scold others before people raised up comments then run away, leaving victims in fog with lots of self-doubts.

Strong messages they deliver : “you are working FOR, not working WITH me”; or “Just do it! Because I say so!”.

Hide inner emptiness

There are people who use brand clothes, luxury products hiding insecurity.  Similarly, the more someone feel empty inside, the more they need external things, such as fame, wealth to validate themselves.

One of the narcissistic boss I worked with, has more than 10 different titles from various well-known organisations displayed on her name card.  Many people felt amazed and adore her devotion / success / contribution so and so ……admiring that how a person can fulfill so much for her life.  And because there are many titles were assigned from famous charities / welfare organisations, this also give outsiders an image of “what a kindness / generous person in the world she is”.

This hero-effect however never be sacred to us, who being with her 9 hours a day in office.  We all know the fake / pretension – she’s a completely different person in private place, who easily burst out anger for small stuffs, e.g. who mis-titled her or forgot to invite her for a ceremony.  Even many media news reported how great she is but we all see her inner emptiness in daily basis.

NO tolerance for shame

They can be extremely over-sensitive to any small issues that make them feel inadequate, insecure, or shameful.  When you have doubts or confront about their judgments / decisions / behaviors, they will either shut down completely, avoid, transfer the blames to others, or even worse, turn the table upside down – become critical and hostile to victims.

You can never have a fair negotiation with them, unless you make them feel superior and hero.  Ironically, there are no shortage of deceived followers surrounding them to enhance their false-self.

Ignore boundaries

What? Boundaries? What is that?  Narcissistic psychopath have difficulties seeing things from another people’s perspective. And since they view themselves such an important and superior individual, they have no concern or actually don’t have concept about boundaries.  People with healthy mind-set consider each human is an individual, in contrast, narcissists view others as an extension of themselves.

They might keep calling you outside office hours / your private time simply because they want to, no matter it’s important or just a minor inquiry.   They check your emails, stare on your computer seeing what you are doing, love digging your privacy up or cross over your emotional boundaries.  Just don’t feel necessary to respect other human rights and feelings.

React as a toddler

There were many times I just feel like communicate with a 2-3 years old child.  Physically, narcissists look like a normal adult but according to their emotional responses, it’s kind of like an uneducated toddler / child who lose temper, sit on the floor and screamed for a toy they loved.

According to psychology theory, narcissists were stuck at certain child development stage thus have difficulties to handle problems, stress or anything that out of their comfort zone with a more mature approach.  Some of them may be spoiled so never learn how to respect others’ needs, but the world should response to their wishes / desires.  Others may be raised in an abusive environment or by narcissistic parents so their ability of empathy, EQ, self-esteem etc. were missed out a lot during development.

Final thoughts

I believe everyone deserved to be  treated with respect.

Stay away from toxic / narcissistic / abusive people as much as you can.  No one can change anyone until this person willing to make changes on their own wishes.  You can never explain, change or argue for justice with them.  You are dealing with personality disorder issue so the more you try to negotiate, the more you will be trapped then end up feeling more miserable.

Let it go! Move on and live your life, only surround with people who contribute positively to your spirit, strength and wisdom would be my final advice.

How about you? Have you ever encountered difficult / toxic people? how you handle?

Photo credit : Pixabay – Jill111

Fathers day – a day licking wounds

Anyone can have a child and call themselves “a parent”.  

A real parent is someone who puts that child above their own selfish needs / wants.

Father’s day, same as other big festivals that used to drive me crazy and in emotional roller coaster.  Numerous banners / advertisements / slogans are displayed over the places – TV, newspaper, magazine, shopping malls.  It’s impossible to ignore and suppose it’s a big day to celebrate family heroes, right? Sadly, all those so-called meaning words / expressions used to hurt me like using a knife cut my heart/soul into pieces.

I used to dive into self-sabotaged / destructive habits for days (before and after).   Glad in recent years, my emotional management skills are increasing though still have bumps from time to time, at least the ratio of indulging binge eat, non-stopped tears, or lay in bed for days without energy / motivation are inclined.

Dine together? No-No

As the scapegoat in the family, name-calling, manipulated, treated with disrespect, verbally, emotionally, psychologically and sexually abused constantly are usual.  I was not welcomed to dine together at routine family’s meals or eat out, at the beginning, my abusive dad will pull all his favorite dishes to his side so I only pick those non-fresh/unfavorable dishes in front of me sheepishly.

He delivered a clear message to me that I’m not worthy enough to share foods with the family.   I was so shamed / humiliated and eventually only go to dinning table after everyone finished their meals.   I was the one who cook, clean dishes so I can’t stop my tears when I see there’s nothing left on the table for me.

Besides, there were times I was not allowed to turn on the light so need to eat barely leftovers alone in dark.  Remember the night I let my tears run widely on my cheeks and swear to myself that “this was the last time I “dine” with my family”, it’s just doesn’t worth it.”.  Especially when I noticed he took pleasure with smiles on my misfortune.

Thereafter, I started to prepare my own food and eat separately with my so-called family.  It’s weird and strange to tell anyone that I used to stay in room by myself, while all happy noises running outside in the dinning room.  I feel like a roommate more than a family member.  It’s extremely hurtful whenever these memories flash back to my mind.

Festivals / Celebrations? Another no-no  

My birthdays were not celebrated, needless to say, I was never invited for any family gatherings, e.g. birthdays, reunions, etc. I was invisible and excluded from all celebrations / reunion.   It was devastated and hurtful to see everyone is dressing nicely, ready to go and chat happily afterwards about what happened, while I’m left alone and felt miserable about myself.  My dad spread rumors around relatives indicated that I was the bad /worst and misbehaved.

My dad made sure I understand that he’s controlling my life/reputation, if I don’t do what he wants then I will be treated like in hell, he has all the power to control my happiness in family.   That’s why I despise him and reject his rules constantly, until reaching the point that I didn’t care whether he treated me his daughter or not.

I felt the day he start to abuse me, he’s already lost his right being my father.   I used to wander around at streets for hours during holidays because I was so shamed to let anyone know how my family treated me.  I witness how other family members happily celebrate at public and felt miserable about myself.

Sometimes I just sat in a corner of the park to cry myself off.   It’s unfair and what’s wrong with me?

No one care about my existence, I was betrayed by every family members.  Such unspeakable wounds took me a very long time to heal and re-build my self-worth/confidence.  Now I understand it’s commonly found in dysfunctional family system, all family members will identified with toxic parents, join together like a community to enhance the abusive relationship, to projet problems on others’ shoulders can help to ignore individuals’ flaws and issues.

No expectation is good expectation

No longer have unrealistic desire / expectation of a warm and welcoming biological family.  This family is sick.  Over years, I learned to accept the truth that there are families or parents not toxic but people afraid to admit because it’s out of the norm.

I started to educated myself more about dysfunctional / toxic / narcissistic / abusive family / parents to understanding my situation, so I feel less trapped by the confusion / misconception.

Closing thoughts

Don’t mean I’m expert now but my coping skill is getting more healthy and less harmful to myself.  I no longer willing to waste my life on something I can’t control.  Be responsible to myself to learn how to nurture / comfort my inner child,  more conscious to chose people and environment I’m engaged, etc.

I used to feel extremely confused and jealous for my sisters, who were treated completely different from me.  They laugh / tease whenever I was humiliated or mistreated.  But now when I observed their lives, that’s not what I want to become – especially the one who used to be praised as the WELL-BEHAVED sister is becoming the loneliest, insecure person because she put 200% energy / time to please my dad, which proves the old saying “You are who your are hanging around with”.

How about you? Do you have good and supporting parents and family ? That’s good and I am happy for you.   If not, how do you deal with your ambivalent feelings during stereotype festivals?

Photo credit :  Pixabay – PublicDomainPictures

Aren’t you a Punching Bag? Bounce Back!

Don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs,

but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.

– George S. Patton

I resigned once AGAIN….. Don’t understand what message / signal I delivered to the world, I tend to attracted toxic / abusive / narcissistic bosses.

These people were totally normal, nice and react professionally during interviews or at least at the early stage of relations. Unfortunately, their true face / personality were unfold, no longer care in hiding their insecure, ugly traits, controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviors.  Many of them are even well-recognized to the public, gain great reputations / awards and are praised as generous, kind and successful person.

Drama Episodes I experienced 

– at last working day, entrance’s password was changed to stop me enter the office, my belongings were packed and throw out to the street.  I was treated as a thief and I need to call police to get my final paycheck as they tried to make excuse to cut down the payment.  Though I finally won for justice but they actually throw the paycheck to floor for me to pick up.  So humiliated that I cried for days.

– I was picked for every small stuff, no matter it’s my fault or not but they simply want to find any opportunity to show others how bad, stupid and lousy staff I was.  Blame, yell, emotional and verbally abused become normal.  I was so exhausted after work not because the work-load but all psychological burden, so afraid to get back office after every weekends.

– Colleagues joined together gave me hard time, refused to share their knowledge / skills about certain tasks.  Gossiping, teasing and sarcastic comments about my appearance, how I dress or work are spread around office.  It’s like bullying at high school and I was excluded / unannounced from their lunch, general gatherings, or even official meetings.

More dramas I hardly have time to write them all down…..it hurts….

In the past….

Many self-doubts were raised inside, I was so afraid to stand up for truth or speak out.  In fact I lost motivation and confidence to communicate. People hurt people.  Since I don’t know how to deal with non-sense, negotiate, fight back for justice so usually shut up and swallow all anger / frustration by myself.  There’s no doubt to find myself trapped in depressed cycle for days or weeks, cried and indulged in emotional binge eating, self-criticized, self-hated as well as other self-destructive behaviors.

In the present….. 

Though still a lot of inner work need to be done, but I sense myself getting stronger and tougher in comparing to previous days.

Nowadays, I find abusers / narcissistic shocking face when I strike back.  They don’t expect the one who usually speak gently, enjoy harmony relationship will stand tall to speak up for herself in a firm and determined attitude.

My ex-boss once again try her best to spot any tiny opportunity to blame me, but this time I refuse to be a punching bag again so I argued back.  Like a professional lawyer presented in court, I reply to her non-sense charges with dignity, strong evidence and persuasive appeal.  I won the justice gracefully, chin up and chest out while she was embarrassed by her mean, childish and unprofessional / over-reacting behaviors.

I found myself handle abusive situations better nowadays.

– Before I left the position, I make a to-do list during my job hunting gap (I used to sleep whole day for weeks to smooth my depressed emotions);

– I continue my work-out the first day I left, stay fit and healthy (I used to binge eating);

– I have strong belief that I will find a job better than this (I used to blame myself to quit the job as I thought I will never find a better one).

– I don’t argue to my ex-boss, quit is quit, no further explanation as I feel life is too short to waste energy and time to anyone I don’t respect (I used to cry and react emotionally whenever I was mistreated).

– I listed out all necessary skills / knowledge I need to study during this break, opportunity is for everyone who’s prepared (I used to do nothing as I don’t believe there’s a better chance for me).

I changed….though not a big leap but every bits of differences represented my strength and a milestone for my self-growth.

Final thoughts

I’m getting stronger and stronger everyday, both emotionally and psychologically.  I’m more conscious to chose people around me and more sturdy to stay away from toxic people and environment.

The more confidence, self-worth and self-esteem I build up, the less I can tolerate to waste any minute of my treasure life to anymore that drag me down, or do nothing good to my life.   I started to accept and realize this is the responsibilities of abusers to control their behaviors / emotions, not me.

I get faster to run away from narcissistic people to keep a healthy boundary.   Because now I understand the longer I stay connect to toxic people, the easy my core value, soul and spirits will be contaminated without my notice.  Sooner or later I will identify with their behaviors, thoughts and attitudes which lead me to unfulfilled life.

How about you? are you willing to surrender your dignity, life and happiness in exchanging a stable, high-paid or well-recognized position?

Photo credit : Foter

What I’ve learned after abuse (And You should too!)

Dysfunctional family’s rule :

Smile like nothing’s wrong,

Pretend everything’s all right,

Act like its all perfect,

even though inside it really HURTS….

 

 

 

It’s like riding roller coaster for any victims inside dysfunctional / abusive family. Everyday is a new challenge filled with lots of confused concepts, self-doubts, self-esteem issues.

 

Going through years of abusive history, I now grab better sense of understanding and wisdom of whole situation.

 

 

Build up strong self-esteem / self-worth

 

 

Any victims gone through verbally, physically, emotionally or sexually abuse, who deal with name-calling, beating, neglected, humiliated will undoubtedly trash their self-esteem downwards.  It took me a long time to unlearn, re-build my confidence, self-love and self-image via books, online sources.  Knowledge is power.

 

Remember, we all human and equally deserved to be loved, cared and respected, without losing our dignity, freedom and aspiration.

 

Develop a support system

 

One common character for abused victims are : tend to keep secrets for their own.  It can because the shame of letting others know about their abused stories, since society tend to protect and making excuse for abusers / manipulators, rather than look into the matter objectively to help victims.  That’s called blame-the victim symptom.

 

Or sometimes it’s because victims want to protect the reputation of abusers or toxic family, like in my case, I was afraid my abusive dad and the so-called family harmony will be destroyed because of my honesty.  I waited and hope one day they will wake up and amend their faults.

 

But the truth is abusers never feel sorry or think it’s necessary their responsibilities.  To speak up, it’s the only way for own survival skill, the more we cover up, the more anger, frustration, emotion turmoils were carried on shoulders and buried inside.  Eventually will be exploded and damaged us tremendously.

 

Besides of self-healing, never underestimate the power of disclosure because we never know who will read your story, inspired or saved their life by your sharing. I was devastated for long until I read and read more survivors’ stories.  I become more and more confident to  stand up, accept and be authentic to myself.  If not because of others stories and courage I found from their writings, I probably still crawling with tears in the cave now.

 

We are not alone, Let’s hold hands together as a strong supporting community.  “It’s easy to break a chopstick, but they become unbreakable when we pull them all together”.

 

Improve social skills

 

Always victims were controlled / manipulated in many aspects of life, they were restricted to social life or many of the times siblings are not encouraged to develop a healthy relationship.

 

In such dysfunctional system without proper role model, abused victims will have difficulties to learn how to communicate or interact with other people, or worst, pick up wrong social behaviors from toxic environment, which in turn affect not only childhood development, but further ruining adaption during adulthood, or even the whole lifespan.

 

For myself, I have trust issue.  Being alone made me feel more peaceful though lonely from time to time, but at least it helps me to stay away from dramas or hassle.   Again, it took me a long time to regain social skills so I scare less in social environment.

 

 

Surround yourself with good people

 

“You are the average of five people you spend the most time with”, be more conscious to do some reality check : whether people surround you are contributed to your life positively or negatively.

 

Victims were raised in the toxic environment at first place, this unfortunately sometimes lead them to hang around with wrong people in later life, which further drag them to the drainage.  Victims who feel unworthy of love, care and respect are more likely to introduce other abusers to their life.

 

It’s because we get used to the abused environment so tend to be more accustomed / comfort to repeated / similar environment, though it doesn’t serve us any better.  Sometimes it can be more scarcely to be treated differently because it’s not we’ve experienced.

 

Since long, I’m sick of below average and not living the life to the fullest.   Now I getting more sense of if I want to succeed, I must surround myself with people who’s ahead of me or already achieved what I desire.   It’s a challenge for me to approach higher rank people but I’m learning.

 

In the worst case scenario, estranged from abusive family or leave any toxic relationship is necessary.    Set up healthy boundaries is extremely important for healing.  We have to accept that many times toxic people don’t change, the only change we can do is ourselves and our choice of environment.

 

Continue to stay in any hurtful / abusive relationship can only further harm us. We just can’t help others before we can help ourselves.  Before we healed and get stronger emotionally and psychologically, we can only dragged and damaged by others’ behaviors.

 

 

Final thoughts

Not saying that I accomplish all these criteria but working on progress.  For any abused survivors, it’s better to pick one of the above items to work on it in avoiding overwhelming by emotions or seem-like long-listed unattainable goals.

 

What do you think?

 

 

 

 

Photo credit :  Foter