In toxic family, when targeted child speaks up or confront the abuse, other family members will join together to attack the abused child, protect narcissistic parent blindly and pretend everything is fine.
In scapegoating, one of the authority figures made a decision that somebody in the family has to be the bad guy.
Scapegoating is a serious family dysfunctional problem with one member of the family being blamed for small things, picked on and constantly put down.
The scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family.
– Glynis Sherwood
Sometimes the one who stand out is probably the one who notice the dysfunction. Don’t you agree?
Photo credit : Pixabay – Kaboompics
When I was young, I didn’t know what exactly going on in the dysfunctional family.
But somehow I just feel it’s not what it supposed to be. The family roles are so distorted and confused. My parents like child and me, as a kid like a parent.
Not only responsible for many housework, but also my parents’ emotional support. I hate this but I was too young to figure things out and stand up for myself.
Nowadays, whenever I heard someone say their kids are as like as their friends / buddies. This make me feel uncomfortable because kids are kids, they are not suppose to be your friends, this is a psychological abuse because child is not yet developed (mentally) to listen your struggles, such as marriage problems, emotional issues.
Please, let kids be kids.
In general, people crown parents as a king / queen of the castle. We are not comfortable to discuss / talk behind our parents because the logic of “there’s no bad parent” is already tattooed in our mind / spirit.
How dare we judge our parents? They have already sacrificed so much for us? So many excuses to support their destructive / abusive behaviors, such as “they don’t mean to hurt you, or it’s just because they didn’t have a nice / caring parents so they never learned how to parent their own kids …. so and so….
I was trapped in these kinds of stereotypes for many years, guilt and shame filled me up because I was not suppose to hate or judge my parents. What’s wrong with me? No one is perfect in the world right?
I am an evil and not a good person, etc. I was the one who need to be blamed because of my ungrateful / UN-forgiveness.
However, the more knowledge I gained, the more I understand abusive / toxic parents are related to serious personality disorder so impossible to fix. Some people really not qualified as parents since they project their anger / frustration on their own kids.
They don’t know we all human have CHOICE, to treat or not treat others in certain ways.
Are you lucky enough to have good parents? Or not?
Some People desperately look for Scapegoat, because they don’t want to see the truth.
– Jonathan Davis
Dysfunctional Family or any toxic system need a scapegoat. This is how the system works and the more people inside the system want to escape from blame / trouble, such toxic system will be bonded much stronger and exist longer.
Abusers need an Excuse
It’s difficult to explain to outsiders what’s going on inside dysfunctional family. Usually there’s a kid who is rebellious as he / she noticed the “sickness” inside family and not willing to conform the dysfunction. This makes abuser (usually parents) feel insecure so need a scapegoat to blame on.
Then when outsiders judge or curious about what’s happening in “look-good” family, these abusive parents will have a well-explained excuse to escape from their parental responsibilities : now it’s not their faults, they have already do their best and every other family members seems satisfied and live happier……only the so-called “bad” child is the one who ruins the harmony of the family.
People are lazy to find out the truth, we all are busy at our own issues so when you present outsiders a “seem-reasonable / OK” answers, why they care or some of them may not willing to accept the truth. So they accept and believe such troubled kid should take all responsibilities. Parents don’t love this kid because he/she is “bad”.
Abusers project their anger / frustration to Victim
Not uncommon to read news occasionally indicates that someone – who was a well-known priest / professionals / authorities etc. but was charged for domestic violence, unethical issues, e.g. sexual / child abuse etc.
According to psychology theory of “projection” – a common defense mechanism : there are chances when a person who blame / hate the most of certain topics, or have a stronger stereotypes, e.g. homosexual is evil, child molester is monster etc. the more they openly criticize a topic / person in public, potentially they want to transfer focus from their hidden secrets to the target.
They may actually own these thoughts but hate themselves, most importantly they don’t want outsiders feel they belongs to same type. Thus they will blame harshly for targets so outsiders will assume….well, he / she must not do the same thing.
My ex-boss always blame / humiliate others who is messy, lack of integrity or emotional unstable, etc. She loves to preach instructors / staffs about what’s conscious living, honesty and best communication skills. It’s really annoying to listen her “wisdom” during 1.5 hours meetings weekly, doesn’t she realize she’s behave exactly what she disguise?
As you can see, this phenomenon not only happened in dysfunctional / toxic family, but many environment such as workplace too.
My ex-colleague was the typical “scapegoat” at office. Boss and colleagues treated her like an emotional trash bin, who accept all the BS. When something wrong, nobody wants to take responsibilities but transfer blame on her.
I felt bad for her every time when I heard people talked behind her back. This reminded my situation at home. It’s difficult to turn the table, during the toxic system, it’s not always an abuser exists but also those who support them.
So reality check, are you the scapegoat or the one who supports the abuse happens?
Photo credit : Unplash – Bonnie Kittle