I found not too many people understand the importance of psychological boundaries.
Especially for those who were abused for a long time, they lost the identity and fear of missing out or abandonment. This make them very valuable, either let others step over their boundaries and being controlled by others’ desire and need.
Or they become very controlling and want to step in other business. Always want to check and spy on their love ones, sadly, this unhealthy clinging scare people away.
How about you? Do you protect your psychological boundaries? Or let others violate according to their needs?
Intellectual boundaries are violated when someone dismisses or belittles your thoughts or ideas.
Love is about give freedom and power, not gaining control or possession.
Love vs. Control.
I noted and always amazed by how many people not able to distinguish these two terms.
What is True Love?
In my philosophy, if you love and care a person, you should let them think and do whatever that fits and align to their core value. If you really love a person, you don’t force them to agree or follow your path.
Many abused survivors learned unhealthy / toxic relationship from dysfunctional / abusive family. We don’t know how to identify what’s right / wrong and the best for us. It took me years to understand the truth of love.
Previously, I watched TV / movies or reading inspiring books, I can’t stop to take a deep breath for myself….wow…..that’s what normal people do in a healthy relationship? It’s so different from what I learned from home. Kind of like living in another planet and hard to find people understand me.
The Mask of Control
Many abusers / toxic parents / abusive relationship tend to trap targets by using an incredible word “love”. They brainwashed you this is a form of “love” but in fact it’s masking their hidden insecure / intention – to control / manipulate.
Many moms LOVE their kids so much so they take care everything for them, e.g. cooking, dressing and arranging everything for them. People think this is Love, but it’s not, instead, it’s a control in a subtle way.
Manipulative people usually make you become dependent on them until you lost your independence, you can’t think and feel in your own way, or survive according to your own wish, rely on manipulative people’s existence completely. That’s what we found common from co-dependent relationship.
No joking, my ex-boss rely on her husband unreasonably, though she’s the boss but we all know who’s controlling everything behind in the company. She’s so dependent at many aspect, can’t manage even a small task at work or her personal life. Messy, disorganized and called her husband for help almost every hour, 20+ times daily.
Her husband kept all passwords and operation procedures in his hand. Although he’s not physically at the office but he checked every email we sent, watched us via CCTV frequently.
Seriously, this is not Love
My ex-boss’s claim “this is love” while we all feel sick for those manipulative behaviors, she is so happy because she thinks her husband doing all these because he’s really love her. Wow! That’s a delusion.
Many abuse survivors may assume the person who control us, plan everything and direct us to do things according to instructions is LOVE. Many of us learned from toxic family that there’s no point to stand up for ourselves. It seems easy and more peaceful if we just follow what we were asked.
Very soon, we lost the control of ourselves and hand all the power to others’ hands, at worst, many of them tend to attract abusers / narcissists / controllers to manager their lives because at the end, this is what we get used to.
We thought this is normal! This is Love, right?
Hope more people can bring this topic for discussion. So many times I want to scream when I found out someone trapped or being naive for their so-called loving relationship.
Frustrated to see when people don’t realize the truth behind.
How about you? Are you loving others or controlling someone? Or you are “loving” by someone?
Please share your thoughts.
Photo credit : Pixabay – NatKar26
You cannot change the people around you, but can change the people that you chose to be around.
How you chose the right people around you? Do you agree people around you will affect your every aspect of life tremendously?
Photo credit : Pixabay – Unsplash
Feed Your Mind #1
Started this series, I know how difficult it is to survive and act normal after years of abuse. Our soul, spirits, self-esteem / self-confidence are all shattered to pieces on floor.
Of course it’s essential to educate public and break silence, many years ago people don’t feel alright to discuss AIDS, Homosexual etc. But the more we share and discuss, taboos will soon become normal to be addressed.
But at the same time since we, adult survivors don’t have good model to guide us : what’s right and good for us, I strongly feel self-education is essential during the healing journey, please try to search and learn from as many as mentors you can locate, either from immediate environment (quite difficult for many of us because we tend to stay an arm distance from crowd to protect ourselves) or internet.
At the end, we can’t keep on complaining, feel sorry for our past and depressed all times, we got to be strong, stand up tall and pick up the brains from others, in order to fight for lives that we dream of.
Watched below interesting video, the author really caught my attention because he seems understand very much about relationships, especially for those who were abused from childhood or suffered from trauma.
Pin point relationship issues that we adult survivors go through in adult relationships and how we react to environment / surrounding people.
If you don’t understand or want to let others know how it feels as an adult survivor, this is a good video to share. And if you are a survivor, it might enlighten your perspective.
Haven’t read the book yet (by Neil Strauss) but this short 11 minutes video already spoke our minds. I felt connected to what he mentioned. It’s hard to someone who know how you actually feel or struggles you going through.
Enjoy and let me know how you feel about his thoughts.
Don’t let negative / toxic people rent space in your head.
Raise the rent & kick them out ! – Robert Tew
Another day to feed our mind and soul.
Mathew Hussey is quite well-known to many people, especially women who look for advice about relationships. I thought his advice are not only good for intimate relationships, but also good for self-development, self-growth, enhance self-image / self confidence etc., since he usually focus more on fixing our inner problems, by doing more self-reflection and self-examination.
I believe if we want to understand and communicate well with men, it’s always important to listen men’s perspective, instead of reading / absorbing information from other women or so-called professionals we found from magazines (though I still enjoy reading these stuffs but deep down realize we can never get men codes, understand the truth behind if not listening to men directly).
Video source : Matthew Hussey
5 Signs You’re Dating A Toxic Person
Many people not realizing they are dating someone who actually damage their self-image / self-esteem or other aspects of lives. We may tend to settle for less because it’s so scary to date anyone who is out of our league. End up wasting lots of youth / time on someone who just drag us down to drains, with or without our notice.
One Mindset For a Successful Life
Why there are people who can reach their full potential, live their dream life? But other people who seem got stuck from time to time? What are the mindset and secrets behind? what are differences between these 2 groups of people?
Get The Guy In 9 Foolproof Steps
It’s not a video telling you tricks / techniques to win a guy, but more on individuals’ internal work. See how many steps you finished, if yes, check them out and congratulate to you; if not, don’t be disappointed, it’s not too late to unlearn the bad habits, relearn the new and good ones.
The Real Secret to Keeping Your Man
Many people forget to nurture relationships once they settle. I can understand why couples / lovers fell apart after years because either one of them continuing growing, relationships become boring, stale or take it for granted.
THIS Gets Him Addicted to You Forever…
Why there are people – the longer you spend time with, the more you attract to them? But other people as soon as you get to know them, you lost all motivation / desire / attraction? I believe chemistry things only last for months so it’s acceptable to not addicted to anyone as much as the first time we met, but it doesn’t mean we can do nothing to strengthen / consolidate any relationships, to make it more refresh, excited and hopefully move to a next higher level.
The Compliment He’s Dying To Hear
Many times I was annoyed / irritated by conversations that overheard in public restaurants / areas. Some people still think it’s their responsibility to fix their partners, to change / mode them into the one they thought they should be, thus so many nagging, complaints, yelling along the way. In psychology, we have to do 5 good things to smooth damages that bring from 1 complaints / bad experience.
I’m always envy / amazed by happy-together couples / lovers, they seem so compatible to each other without any efforts, or understand all secret codes of healthy relationships.
Truth is relationships need to be learned since there’s no official lesson at school, or even worse, if we don’t have good models in family, it might affect our relationships with others tremendously.
So what your thoughts on these tips? Have you ever aware their existence? or you are one of them who made similar mistakes?
Photo credit : Pixabay – Stokpic
Everything you want is on the other side of fear
– Jack Canfield
During my psychology classes, I was attracted to correlation between early childhood and adult attachment styles which can affect our relationships with others across lifespan.
Heard comments continuously towards abused surviovrs – saying that “Past is past”, but the truth is our behavior / perspective / reaction and belief system etc. were established since born. Infants / children treat parents and home as secure base during exploration and development. If for some reasons the environment can’t nurture as expected, this will influence, or even worse damage tremendously on every level of a child mentally, emotionally and psychologically.
Thus it’s impossible to heal completely until we honestly dig to the dirt underneath. Past is not just the past, but these are emotional baggages we carried years that mold our mindset. How we perceive ourselves? Our self-worth, self-esteem, self-image, self-confidnece etc. not only affect how we react to the world but also, somehow make us attracted to like-minded fellows, or those who want to take advantages from our weakness.
According to theory, there are 4 types of attachment styles: Secure, Dismissive-Avoidant, Anxious-Preoccupied and Fearful-Avoidant.
I always admire this type of people, who always present themselves with confidence, courages, open and positive attitudes. Children who grown up in a stable and nurture home environment allow them establishing their secured identities satisfactionary.
They learned and established healthy boundaries with unshakable self-belief : don’t see others as extension to themselves, respect another person’s space and individuality. They know how to balance independence and intimacy – don’t scare to maintain a healthy, intimate and trust relationships with others but at the same time not being needy, control or clinging. Their emotions are stable and have power to manage conflicts.
Like attracts alike. This type of people are more easily to attracted to similar level of mindset / attitude / energy group of people. Snowball effect leads them become more successfull, happier and powerful along career, relationship paths.
Fearful – Avoidant
In contrast, children who raised up in abusive / toxic families, being controlled or brainwashed by narcissistic parents will undoubtely establish unhealthy self-belief system. When a child was abused / hurt or betrayed, they learned not to trust others, detached their feelings from surroundings in order to eliminate hurtful feelings / memories. It’s an essential survival skills to be equipped to survive in a toxic environment.
Sadly, many abused survivors bring this distored belief about themselves and the world into adulthood unconsciously. Deep down they need love, care and intimacy but since they have learnt from experiences that people can’t be trusted (not even your parents), or when they were not treated with respect by own blood-related family members, how the earth they expect outsiders will love and care about them?
Such great fear of being betrayed / hurt again stop their motivation to search for healthy relationships. They have difficulties to open hearts and emotions, connect to outsiders as it’s so painful to touch those inner invisble wounds. Some of them may even feel awkward when dealing with kindness or closeness because they never experience these elments from childhood. Other victims may behave defensive, self-guided, short-tempered, over-reacting on small stuffs or such a perfectionist that scares people away.
People are threatened / annoyed by these behaviors so try to keep distance from them in avoiding troubles. Another snowball effect is rolling but in wrong direction : Fearful-Avoidant type may either attract the wrong people to their world that drag them furthe down to the hole, or they become more and more shut-down / self-contained / self-abased. When they reach old age, feeling lonely, miserable with regrets.
What’s my type?
Yes, I belong to fearful-avoidant type. But I’m learning to thow away this name-tag. Though I seldom argue, being harsh or project my problems / emotions onto others, but I do feel scare whenever people try to get closer to me, interested to getting know more about me, not meaning physically but emotionally.
I want to have good friends, close relationships but I’m so scare to open myself up to outsiders. Because of my abusive history, I used to worry how others feel about me, I don’t like to be judged, looked down or honestly say I felt shame for not having a normal life like general people.
Before now, my self-worth was very low that I didn’t expect nice people want to be my friends. I used to feel inferior to those who have good families/partners/friends, etc. I had no problems to read books or learn from successful people, but my old-aged belief system made me staying away from people I admire in reality. I was the one who stared at people I envy / jealous at the corner without saying a word, then left with sorrow inside. I thought I can never live the lives like them. I felt more comfortable to hang around with people who’s motivation / energy / intelligence level below me, or who treat me disrespectfully, judge me or drag me down emotionally and mentally.
How to break the curse ?
I spent years to deal with my fear of relationships. In fact, I can’t say I “deal” with it because I never, I just simply put it aside without acknowledge it. In recent years I became more conscious and confident enough to face my fear by absorbing tons of articles / books / seminars in searching for solutions.
Now I understand I need to be more brave, get in touch with secure type people. They are actually the category that can support and supplement what fearful-avoidant type lack of. They don’t feel intimidated by my success, growth and don’t need to step over / degrade me in earning their own confidence / self-worth. They are my role models who can teach me how to connect with others in a healthy and positive way.
I’m sharing this not because I’m perfect or reach my success now, in fact, I’m still struggling on my journey, many self-examination and introspection are on-going.
But I want anyone who belongs to my type know how to leap over. Not wasting as much as my time and energy during the searching. It’s always scarely to dig deep internally but that’s the only way to heal until we figure out who we really are.
To understand more about the attachment theory can make us appraoch the world with clearer lense, hopefully turn life upside down in case you are not happy with what you are having now.
What about you? what’s your attachment style? How about people around you? what are their type that actually reflect your own type?
Photo credit : google image
Don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs,
but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.
– George S. Patton
I resigned once AGAIN….. Don’t understand what message / signal I delivered to the world, I tend to attracted toxic / abusive / narcissistic bosses.
These people were totally normal, nice and react professionally during interviews or at least at the early stage of relations. Unfortunately, their true face / personality were unfold, no longer care in hiding their insecure, ugly traits, controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviors. Many of them are even well-recognized to the public, gain great reputations / awards and are praised as generous, kind and successful person.
Drama Episodes I experienced
– at last working day, entrance’s password was changed to stop me enter the office, my belongings were packed and throw out to the street. I was treated as a thief and I need to call police to get my final paycheck as they tried to make excuse to cut down the payment. Though I finally won for justice but they actually throw the paycheck to floor for me to pick up. So humiliated that I cried for days.
– I was picked for every small stuff, no matter it’s my fault or not but they simply want to find any opportunity to show others how bad, stupid and lousy staff I was. Blame, yell, emotional and verbally abused become normal. I was so exhausted after work not because the work-load but all psychological burden, so afraid to get back office after every weekends.
– Colleagues joined together gave me hard time, refused to share their knowledge / skills about certain tasks. Gossiping, teasing and sarcastic comments about my appearance, how I dress or work are spread around office. It’s like bullying at high school and I was excluded / unannounced from their lunch, general gatherings, or even official meetings.
More dramas I hardly have time to write them all down…..it hurts….
In the past….
Many self-doubts were raised inside, I was so afraid to stand up for truth or speak out. In fact I lost motivation and confidence to communicate. People hurt people. Since I don’t know how to deal with non-sense, negotiate, fight back for justice so usually shut up and swallow all anger / frustration by myself. There’s no doubt to find myself trapped in depressed cycle for days or weeks, cried and indulged in emotional binge eating, self-criticized, self-hated as well as other self-destructive behaviors.
In the present…..
Though still a lot of inner work need to be done, but I sense myself getting stronger and tougher in comparing to previous days.
Nowadays, I find abusers / narcissistic shocking face when I strike back. They don’t expect the one who usually speak gently, enjoy harmony relationship will stand tall to speak up for herself in a firm and determined attitude.
My ex-boss once again try her best to spot any tiny opportunity to blame me, but this time I refuse to be a punching bag again so I argued back. Like a professional lawyer presented in court, I reply to her non-sense charges with dignity, strong evidence and persuasive appeal. I won the justice gracefully, chin up and chest out while she was embarrassed by her mean, childish and unprofessional / over-reacting behaviors.
I found myself handle abusive situations better nowadays.
– Before I left the position, I make a to-do list during my job hunting gap (I used to sleep whole day for weeks to smooth my depressed emotions);
– I continue my work-out the first day I left, stay fit and healthy (I used to binge eating);
– I have strong belief that I will find a job better than this (I used to blame myself to quit the job as I thought I will never find a better one).
– I don’t argue to my ex-boss, quit is quit, no further explanation as I feel life is too short to waste energy and time to anyone I don’t respect (I used to cry and react emotionally whenever I was mistreated).
– I listed out all necessary skills / knowledge I need to study during this break, opportunity is for everyone who’s prepared (I used to do nothing as I don’t believe there’s a better chance for me).
I changed….though not a big leap but every bits of differences represented my strength and a milestone for my self-growth.
I’m getting stronger and stronger everyday, both emotionally and psychologically. I’m more conscious to chose people around me and more sturdy to stay away from toxic people and environment.
The more confidence, self-worth and self-esteem I build up, the less I can tolerate to waste any minute of my treasure life to anymore that drag me down, or do nothing good to my life. I started to accept and realize this is the responsibilities of abusers to control their behaviors / emotions, not me.
I get faster to run away from narcissistic people to keep a healthy boundary. Because now I understand the longer I stay connect to toxic people, the easy my core value, soul and spirits will be contaminated without my notice. Sooner or later I will identify with their behaviors, thoughts and attitudes which lead me to unfulfilled life.
How about you? are you willing to surrender your dignity, life and happiness in exchanging a stable, high-paid or well-recognized position?
Photo credit : Foter
Don’t chase people. Be yourself. Do your own thing and work hard.
The right people who really belong in your life will come to you.
– Will Smith
I don’t have many friends in real life – people come and go, had good times but seldom stay connected for long. It’s one of the missing elements in my life and should do better.
Basically, I don’t trust or feel comfortable to have close relationships. I feel safer to keep distance, quiet or not standing out from crowd for avoiding conflicts or dramas. Love being alone and enjoy my own company most of the time, to fit in socially is still a challenge for me as I feel not able to be authentic. My energy level is decreased after social gatherings. It’s weird! I know.
This leads me to locate and follow mentors / people I admire from other channels, e.g. online, books, podcast, feel more peaceful as I only absorb wisdom / perspectives without dealing hassle. It however bring out other problems :
More disconnected to people in real life
Don’t mean to judge or despise anyone, but truth is the more I connected to amazing people online or via readings, the more I feel boring to hang around with people in real life. Imagine even if I learn only one new idea daily, I’ll have 365 new perspectives every year. My difficulties are unable to find people who can understand my point of view easily.
Frequently, I found myself try to act like an ignorant person, downgrade or hide what I know in order to fit in. Not only try not to let people feel I’m arrogant but also to limit arguments during discussions. People expect me support their perspectives and don’t really appreciate different thoughts. Gatherings started to make me feel more lonely and exhausted afterwards.
Not admire the same person as in past days
I doubt myself from time to time : am I a disloyal bitch? I can change my admiration or leave someone who I used to honor / respect very much. I questioned myself for making faces, rolling eyes or feeling annoyed when I heard / meet the same person preach the same topic. What happened to me? Even common friends, I was blamed for not hanging around as often as I used to be, or simply disappeared from that circle forever.
I curious and envy to hear people talking about their long-lasting friendship since childhood. It seems I’m the only person who can’t keep any relationship longer.
It took me a long time to figure out my problems, until recent years, I have different opinion …..
It’s OK to say goodbye
Reason why we no longer fit in the same environment is because our knowledge / ways of thinking are upgrading gradually and continuously. This actually a good sign of progress for any individual’s self-development.
If we hang around with people who do not like to change their thoughts, beliefs and behaviors, it sure will eventually ruin the relationship. It’s impossible to share life / opinions positively and openly when both parties are standing in different grounds. Many times I found the so-called friends are actually no longer connected. They just dragging the relationship because of that person is a childhood or long-time friend. Of course it’s still all right and nice to have causal chit-chats, but true and healthy relationships will not be developed positively.
Many times people just spending time together to kill time or boredom. It’s always fascinated me to see people in public areas, who seem talking and sharing non-stopped but when we listen carefully, they just talking about their own problems (not really connected or listening to each other’s words). What’s the point to have such friendship? Why don’t we just speak to the voice recorder, but stuck in any friendship that no longer nurture us?
Marriage or other love relationships
This principal is also good for applying to other relationships. Nowadays, many cheating stories can be heard among colleagues, media or circle of friends. Cheaters are always cheaters so I’m not giving any excuses to this category. But I found in some cases couples never plan to cheat but unfortunately as years goes by, the other half stop adding fire into the old relationship, stops learning and growing. Life getting boring, routine without any sparkles.
Many people think “LOVE” is the only element to bond two persons together. But the truth is never-ended exploration is necessary to strengthen any relationships. Sadly, many couples more like roommates or business partners, rather than connected with souls.
Similarly, many parents complained about their kids are no longer obedient or bond with them as it used to be. The situation will be more obvious when parents stop learning along with the fast pace growing speed of the society.
We should feel proud to see any children are now become more independent and confident to share their own thoughts. They are growing and learning new things everyday so no longer stuck to past perspective; more mature combined with improved judgment skills so eventually can survive better in modern society.
Sometimes I feel it’s more important to have a good relationship with myself, than running around to grab fake attention (like a chicken lost its head).
What about you? Do you have mentor or role models surrounding you? Have you ever check your relationship listing? Who drag you down or lift you up? Or how about “YOU” be a good person that other people look up to?
Photo credit : Foter