Don’t know if it’s common or not, but I do find some of the people feel trapped in toxic relationship, not because they love that person but scare of leaving the comfort zone.
This is true that as long as we get used to the environment, we feel it’s more safe and secure to stay in the same old situation, even though it hurts, rather than jump the cliff to explore another chance.
It’s scary, i knew it.
What do you think? Are you one of them? or you know someone like this?
Parents actively resist you showing autonomy and becoming an independently entity.
Parents continue dominating kids, impose strict rules on them providing no freedom.
This is a tricky and high-level mental manipulative technique.
Common found in abusive / toxic relationship in destructive system, such as family and workplace.
Are you familiar with this? Please share your experience.
I know this term very well, and guess it’s very familiar to abused survivor.
In toxic / abusive family, family members love to use this skill to trap the victims. Reasons why many survivors struggling a lot in healing because they are not only dealing with the abuse, but also the guilt and shame within.
As a human, we born to feel guilty for doing bad things, or treat others badly especially if they are our blood-related family members. We were raged for the abuse but at the same time abusers will use “guilt” to fool us, lead us to think this is our fault for not forgiving or “moving on” etc.
That’s why it’s takes lots of time and energy for any healing journey.
Love is about give freedom and power, not gaining control or possession.
Love vs. Control.
I noted and always amazed by how many people not able to distinguish these two terms.
What is True Love?
In my philosophy, if you love and care a person, you should let them think and do whatever that fits and align to their core value. If you really love a person, you don’t force them to agree or follow your path.
Many abused survivors learned unhealthy / toxic relationship from dysfunctional / abusive family. We don’t know how to identify what’s right / wrong and the best for us. It took me years to understand the truth of love.
Previously, I watched TV / movies or reading inspiring books, I can’t stop to take a deep breath for myself….wow…..that’s what normal people do in a healthy relationship? It’s so different from what I learned from home. Kind of like living in another planet and hard to find people understand me.
The Mask of Control
Many abusers / toxic parents / abusive relationship tend to trap targets by using an incredible word “love”. They brainwashed you this is a form of “love” but in fact it’s masking their hidden insecure / intention – to control / manipulate.
Many moms LOVE their kids so much so they take care everything for them, e.g. cooking, dressing and arranging everything for them. People think this is Love, but it’s not, instead, it’s a control in a subtle way.
Manipulative people usually make you become dependent on them until you lost your independence, you can’t think and feel in your own way, or survive according to your own wish, rely on manipulative people’s existence completely. That’s what we found common from co-dependent relationship.
No joking, my ex-boss rely on her husband unreasonably, though she’s the boss but we all know who’s controlling everything behind in the company. She’s so dependent at many aspect, can’t manage even a small task at work or her personal life. Messy, disorganized and called her husband for help almost every hour, 20+ times daily.
Her husband kept all passwords and operation procedures in his hand. Although he’s not physically at the office but he checked every email we sent, watched us via CCTV frequently.
Seriously, this is not Love
My ex-boss’s claim “this is love” while we all feel sick for those manipulative behaviors, she is so happy because she thinks her husband doing all these because he’s really love her. Wow! That’s a delusion.
Many abuse survivors may assume the person who control us, plan everything and direct us to do things according to instructions is LOVE. Many of us learned from toxic family that there’s no point to stand up for ourselves. It seems easy and more peaceful if we just follow what we were asked.
Very soon, we lost the control of ourselves and hand all the power to others’ hands, at worst, many of them tend to attract abusers / narcissists / controllers to manager their lives because at the end, this is what we get used to.
We thought this is normal! This is Love, right?
Hope more people can bring this topic for discussion. So many times I want to scream when I found out someone trapped or being naive for their so-called loving relationship.
Frustrated to see when people don’t realize the truth behind.
How about you? Are you loving others or controlling someone? Or you are “loving” by someone?
Please share your thoughts.
Photo credit : Pixabay – NatKar26
The more I educated myself, the more I realized I actually attract many narcissists into my life. Guess it’s because I used to have a very low self-esteem and no ideas about healthy boundaries.
Hope many people will understand this personality disorder as early as possible. It took me years to figure things out and start my healing journey.
How about you? Have you ever meet someone consist of this character? How do you deal with them?
If you pay much attention on your surrounding, you will discover this manipulative technique is quite common but people don’t realize.
Do you agree?
Anyone can have a child and call themselves “a parent”.
A real parent is someone who puts that child above their own selfish needs / wants.
Father’s day, same as other big festivals that used to drive me crazy and in emotional roller coaster. Numerous banners / advertisements / slogans are displayed over the places – TV, newspaper, magazine, shopping malls. It’s impossible to ignore and suppose it’s a big day to celebrate family heroes, right? Sadly, all those so-called meaning words / expressions used to hurt me like using a knife cut my heart/soul into pieces.
I used to dive into self-sabotaged / destructive habits for days (before and after). Glad in recent years, my emotional management skills are increasing though still have bumps from time to time, at least the ratio of indulging binge eat, non-stopped tears, or lay in bed for days without energy / motivation are inclined.
Dine together? No-No
As the scapegoat in the family, name-calling, manipulated, treated with disrespect, verbally, emotionally, psychologically and sexually abused constantly are usual. I was not welcomed to dine together at routine family’s meals or eat out, at the beginning, my abusive dad will pull all his favorite dishes to his side so I only pick those non-fresh/unfavorable dishes in front of me sheepishly.
He delivered a clear message to me that I’m not worthy enough to share foods with the family. I was so shamed / humiliated and eventually only go to dinning table after everyone finished their meals. I was the one who cook, clean dishes so I can’t stop my tears when I see there’s nothing left on the table for me.
Besides, there were times I was not allowed to turn on the light so need to eat barely leftovers alone in dark. Remember the night I let my tears run widely on my cheeks and swear to myself that “this was the last time I “dine” with my family”, it’s just doesn’t worth it.”. Especially when I noticed he took pleasure with smiles on my misfortune.
Thereafter, I started to prepare my own food and eat separately with my so-called family. It’s weird and strange to tell anyone that I used to stay in room by myself, while all happy noises running outside in the dinning room. I feel like a roommate more than a family member. It’s extremely hurtful whenever these memories flash back to my mind.
Festivals / Celebrations? Another no-no
My birthdays were not celebrated, needless to say, I was never invited for any family gatherings, e.g. birthdays, reunions, etc. I was invisible and excluded from all celebrations / reunion. It was devastated and hurtful to see everyone is dressing nicely, ready to go and chat happily afterwards about what happened, while I’m left alone and felt miserable about myself. My dad spread rumors around relatives indicated that I was the bad /worst and misbehaved.
My dad made sure I understand that he’s controlling my life/reputation, if I don’t do what he wants then I will be treated like in hell, he has all the power to control my happiness in family. That’s why I despise him and reject his rules constantly, until reaching the point that I didn’t care whether he treated me his daughter or not.
I felt the day he start to abuse me, he’s already lost his right being my father. I used to wander around at streets for hours during holidays because I was so shamed to let anyone know how my family treated me. I witness how other family members happily celebrate at public and felt miserable about myself.
Sometimes I just sat in a corner of the park to cry myself off. It’s unfair and what’s wrong with me?
No one care about my existence, I was betrayed by every family members. Such unspeakable wounds took me a very long time to heal and re-build my self-worth/confidence. Now I understand it’s commonly found in dysfunctional family system, all family members will identified with toxic parents, join together like a community to enhance the abusive relationship, to projet problems on others’ shoulders can help to ignore individuals’ flaws and issues.
No expectation is good expectation
No longer have unrealistic desire / expectation of a warm and welcoming biological family. This family is sick. Over years, I learned to accept the truth that there are families or parents not toxic but people afraid to admit because it’s out of the norm.
I started to educated myself more about dysfunctional / toxic / narcissistic / abusive family / parents to understanding my situation, so I feel less trapped by the confusion / misconception.
Don’t mean I’m expert now but my coping skill is getting more healthy and less harmful to myself. I no longer willing to waste my life on something I can’t control. Be responsible to myself to learn how to nurture / comfort my inner child, more conscious to chose people and environment I’m engaged, etc.
I used to feel extremely confused and jealous for my sisters, who were treated completely different from me. They laugh / tease whenever I was humiliated or mistreated. But now when I observed their lives, that’s not what I want to become – especially the one who used to be praised as the WELL-BEHAVED sister is becoming the loneliest, insecure person because she put 200% energy / time to please my dad, which proves the old saying “You are who your are hanging around with”.
How about you? Do you have good and supporting parents and family ? That’s good and I am happy for you. If not, how do you deal with your ambivalent feelings during stereotype festivals?
Photo credit : Pixabay – PublicDomainPictures