Your inner voice is incredibly critical – children of toxic parents often have a severe deficit in self-esteem and self-worth.
Parent control you to giving you expensive gifts then expect something in return.
Speak up, let others know when they hurt / angered you.
Otherwise you’re giving permission for them to continue to treat you the same way in future.
– Beverly Engel
Many people don’t know the boundaries or understand what’s is okay / or not okay, until you point it out.
Don’t you agree?
Photo credit : Pixabay – ju_sajjad0
In any dysfunctional family, if there’s a scapegoat, there will be a golden child.
When I was young, I was not understand / confused, how come my younger sister can do whatever she liked, go to school, enjoy after school activities without caring much about household or all the chaos in family.
Nobody will scold her for mistakes but I was the one who take all the blames.
It’s sad and miserable to grow up in such environment. Not only affect my own well-being but it damaged sibling relationships seriously. Never have close sibling relationships as many times it reminds me those betrays / laughs / gossips.
How about you? Are you the golden child and how you feel about this privilege?
Love is about give freedom and power, not gaining control or possession.
Love vs. Control.
I noted and always amazed by how many people not able to distinguish these two terms.
What is True Love?
In my philosophy, if you love and care a person, you should let them think and do whatever that fits and align to their core value. If you really love a person, you don’t force them to agree or follow your path.
Many abused survivors learned unhealthy / toxic relationship from dysfunctional / abusive family. We don’t know how to identify what’s right / wrong and the best for us. It took me years to understand the truth of love.
Previously, I watched TV / movies or reading inspiring books, I can’t stop to take a deep breath for myself….wow…..that’s what normal people do in a healthy relationship? It’s so different from what I learned from home. Kind of like living in another planet and hard to find people understand me.
The Mask of Control
Many abusers / toxic parents / abusive relationship tend to trap targets by using an incredible word “love”. They brainwashed you this is a form of “love” but in fact it’s masking their hidden insecure / intention – to control / manipulate.
Many moms LOVE their kids so much so they take care everything for them, e.g. cooking, dressing and arranging everything for them. People think this is Love, but it’s not, instead, it’s a control in a subtle way.
Manipulative people usually make you become dependent on them until you lost your independence, you can’t think and feel in your own way, or survive according to your own wish, rely on manipulative people’s existence completely. That’s what we found common from co-dependent relationship.
No joking, my ex-boss rely on her husband unreasonably, though she’s the boss but we all know who’s controlling everything behind in the company. She’s so dependent at many aspect, can’t manage even a small task at work or her personal life. Messy, disorganized and called her husband for help almost every hour, 20+ times daily.
Her husband kept all passwords and operation procedures in his hand. Although he’s not physically at the office but he checked every email we sent, watched us via CCTV frequently.
Seriously, this is not Love
My ex-boss’s claim “this is love” while we all feel sick for those manipulative behaviors, she is so happy because she thinks her husband doing all these because he’s really love her. Wow! That’s a delusion.
Many abuse survivors may assume the person who control us, plan everything and direct us to do things according to instructions is LOVE. Many of us learned from toxic family that there’s no point to stand up for ourselves. It seems easy and more peaceful if we just follow what we were asked.
Very soon, we lost the control of ourselves and hand all the power to others’ hands, at worst, many of them tend to attract abusers / narcissists / controllers to manager their lives because at the end, this is what we get used to.
We thought this is normal! This is Love, right?
Hope more people can bring this topic for discussion. So many times I want to scream when I found out someone trapped or being naive for their so-called loving relationship.
Frustrated to see when people don’t realize the truth behind.
How about you? Are you loving others or controlling someone? Or you are “loving” by someone?
Please share your thoughts.
Photo credit : Pixabay – NatKar26
Scapegoat is the truth teller,
who complaining problems and confronts parent
on the dysfunctional family situation.
Anyone who following my blog should understand I’m a scapegoat in dysfunctional family.
Years ago, I can hardly understand what’s the meaning of terms e.g. narcissistic, scapegoat and dysfunctional etc.
I just feel something wrong but my knowledge base was not well enough to figure out chaos / struggles in my life. Gladly I love to read / listen podcasts etc to put myself to unlearn and relearn many things.
Family / parents are always the taboos to discuss, people love to see shiny things or listen touching / lovely family stories. Because people don’t feel comfortable to disclose so more dirty secrets are hidden.
Are you the truth teller? Are you suffering for being honest to yourself? Please share your thoughts or this post so we help to raise public awareness.
Image credit : Pixabay – Foundry
In our culture, we were taught not to judge parents or families.
It’s a taboo or perceived as “disloyal” / “disgraceful” if you talk bad behind families. This make people who were abused in dysfunctional family feel afraid to share the dirty secrets because they know it’s difficult to find people to understand them.
And if those child grow up in dysfunctional family, since they don’t have enough exposure, guidelines or models, they were actually brainwashed and thought this is what supposed a family meant to be. They don’t have the knowledge / wisdom to clarify what is normal.
What do you think?