You find trusting relationships difficult – if parents, who are meant to be our main caregivers are deficient or can’t give us real support, we will find difficult to create supportive attachments when we grow up, or believe they are going last.
Scapegoats hold on to destructive relationship by forgetting the abuse and focusing on the fantasy.
Scapegoat can be attracted to people who repeatedly neglect, abuse or victimize them, which bolsters shame and self-blame.
Unhealthy families discourage individual expression. Everyone must conform to thoughts and actions of toxic parents.
Typical characteristic of dysfunctional family. Contrary to healthy family which allow every individual own their desires and speak their own voices.
Which type of family are you belong to?
Photo credit : Pixabay – jarmoluk
A house where a child is unsafe is not a home
Child need to be nurtured and developed in an environment that is safe and healthy.
What do you do to make sure your environment is good for kids to explore and develop into a healthy human?
Photo credit : Pixabay – thedanw
In any dysfunctional family, if there’s a scapegoat, there will be a golden child.
When I was young, I was not understand / confused, how come my younger sister can do whatever she liked, go to school, enjoy after school activities without caring much about household or all the chaos in family.
Nobody will scold her for mistakes but I was the one who take all the blames.
It’s sad and miserable to grow up in such environment. Not only affect my own well-being but it damaged sibling relationships seriously. Never have close sibling relationships as many times it reminds me those betrays / laughs / gossips.
How about you? Are you the golden child and how you feel about this privilege?
We Fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection.
I consider myself not an aggressive person, seldom project my problems / emotions to outsiders. However I found myself handle rejection and failure not very well, or should I say kind of unhealthy.
We are Runner
Not mean run from the field, but from many struggles / situations that scare us or give us pressure.
I keep on repeating the same old habits again and again, e.g. resigned from work when feeling uncomfortable for certain colleagues / bosses or tasks; stopped calling friends when they get too close or try to dig deep about my life history; kept far away from people I fell in love or have butterflies in heart.
Simply escape from situation that I don’t know how to handle, seem impossible to manage or feel uncomfortable.
Lack of problem-solving skills
I’m a good problem solver at work or anything that not involved emotions / relationships. Unfortunately, we are living in society surrounding with different types of personalities / characters and people from different backgrounds.
Always find difficulties to handle relationship-related issues. Never learned or have a good model when grow up.
The way my family members / parents handle stress and problems are : find a scapegoat to blame on; blow up when things get tough so I used to feel like walking on eggshells everyday; or they run away, ignore problems -act like it never exists, this is what I learn and accustomed to.
My mom run away and left 3 daughters without a single word. Just disappeared forever because she’s unhappy for the marriage, never care about parental responsibilities.
My dad is abusive, narcissistic and have many personality disorder symptoms. It’s difficult to live with him without going crazy. A person who suppose to care and love you, but now a childish and abusive parent, the experience is rough.
Learn from Dysfunction
Adult survivors from dysfunctional / toxic family seldom know what’s the right way to handle stress / problems and relationships.
Since what we learned and witnessed are so sicko, unhealthy, we never know what’s normal until we educated ourselves, or when we spot behaviors from other normal families. We were brainwashed for this is how the world is running and what family suppose to be. we never judge or curious about the truth behind.
2 common traits for adult survivors : either very attached and enmeshed to a relationship, strive for attention until this scare away people. It an be very exhausted to carry another person’s burden emotionally and psychologically.
Another type, like me, will reject you before you reject us. We are not willing to invest too much / deep on friendship or any other relationship, not because we are COLD but in fact, so scare to lose or being rejected.
The most safety net is “NOT START”. It’s so stupid and self-sabotage but we can’t control.
Scare of rejection
The pain of being rejected by parents / family was so fierce and we don’t have courage to re-experience similar pain again. We stop / avoid any chance of being hurt by building up a wall.
Sometimes when you meet someone who seem not welcoming for your existence, perhaps it really means they don’t like you. But other times it might be a signal that they afraid of losing you.
I knew it because I’m belong to that type, the more I love a person, the more I act cold because I don’t want my weakness / vulnerability will be showed to that person.
Have you meet someone who seems so unattached? Don’t you realize they just scare and fear of rejection / failure?
Or if you are survivor, How you handle?
Photo credit : Unsplash – Abigail Keenan
Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.
Every time when I read news about child abuse at family, this hurts and made me sad.
Family is suppose the most safety place for naive child. How come?
How about your family? Is it make you heartache? or make you feel warm and safe always?
Photo credit : Unsplash
It took me years to understand the term of “scapegoating”, the more I gain the knowledge, the more anger / frustration I got.
Wish I can understand this term when I was young, it can definitely save me lots of energy / time towards healing journey.
Hope less people will be trapped like me for so long.