For many abuse survivors, the urge to have love / attention is so severe, since this is what they are lack of when they grew up in dysfunctional family.
This can lead to another cycle of trauma if we are not be careful of our relationship pattern.
From time to time I met people who jump from this to that relationship non-stop, they seem enjoy very much for the FAKE attention, but seldom see they are deeply connected to anyone.
At the end of the day, they are staring at the wall alone and die empty inside. It’s sad.
You know someone owns this attribute? How do you feel about their inner conflicts?
When we used to get hurt, we don’t know how to react when others appreciate us, so we end up pushing people away.
What I observe
My new consulting career force myself go outside to attend seminars and networking occasionally. This totally out of my comfort zone since my life is quite routine (boring?) and mostly alone. Feeling uncomfortable however, this is a must for any soloentreneur.
Over the past few months, I’ve been observed many speakers / visitors etc. in public situations and noticed there are people who look very fierce / unapproachable or seem harsh. Whenever the host ask us to connect or take part of some activities, I tend to move away from this type of seem-unfriendly people.
This makes myself do lots of self-reflection. Am I one of them?
I used to consider myself as extrovert since I love to explore, travel and always curious to learn new things. No doubt to attend any talks / functions alone as long as it interests me. Until I read more articles about introvert from professionals then realize and rename myself as an introvert.
If you are also an introvert, you should understand what and how we introverts feel : although we still very curious to explore here and there, but eventually we need time to release our tension from activities. Our energy drained when spending too much time around people. In fact, we don’t enjoy social, chit chat very much. Not because we hate people but simply need lots of private time to recharge.
There are no problems for us to stay alone/silent for the whole day / week, by just diving into books / videos or anything that interests us. Seriously, I can speak to nobody for a week / month (though it’s unhealthy to wellbeing so not encourage).
I know it. Especially start from this year, realize and admit more about the importance of having a relationship with another human.
This is also one of the destructive habits abuse survivor developed since childhood. We were so exhausted / drained by all the chaos and trauma at home. After going through all the emotional / psychological battles….today when we are adults, we become cherish more to peace, quiet or no non-sense life, e.g. gossips, conflicts etc.
Same, my abuse family taught me to self-nurture and solves problems by myself since very early age. This lead me to grow up very fast, more resistant to other kids, but at the same time, we lost the tendency to ask for help / support from others. When our biological family betrays us, this disrupts all our beliefs and trust that others can rely on.
No doubt we become very independent but also dive into the dangerous zone : “ALONE” mode forever.
Lost the ability to Relate
Combining with inborn personalities and after birth life history. This actually destroys my abilities to communicate with others. I found myself having difficulties to connect with others comfortably. Many of the times, either I feel exhausted / impatience or lack of motivation to connect.
The longer history of feeling comfortable to being ALONE actually destroys my willingness to connect. This is not a good sign and I consciously want to change this inhuman ability since this year. More self-improvament work need to be done.
Maybe, there are other survivors having similar struggles like me. They are misunderstood by others for the whole life, which in fact they hungry for love, care and acceptance. We just need more time than other normal people.
However, who else will stay so long, be patience to understand us, before we are judged?
Whenever I look around in networking environments, kept on asking myself ….. am I look alike these seem unapproachable people?
Deep down I know myself NOT, but may be the long established mode made me look-alike them for protecting myself being hurt again.
Encourage you to check on yourself, maybe you also project your inner fear / insecure to the public world? Is it the reason to explain why we always attract wrong people to us? They think we are the same group of people but in fact we belong to another group of people who misundertsand us?
Remember there’s a saying : if we want to have a certain type of partner / friend, we must become their type first.
What do you think? Are you react to the world exactly what you meant inside? Or you always give the wrong message to others? How do you feel about my findings? Welcome for your comments.
Image Credit : Unsplash – Tamara Bellis
Love is about give freedom and power, not gaining control or possession.
Love vs. Control.
I noted and always amazed by how many people not able to distinguish these two terms.
What is True Love?
In my philosophy, if you love and care a person, you should let them think and do whatever that fits and align to their core value. If you really love a person, you don’t force them to agree or follow your path.
Many abused survivors learned unhealthy / toxic relationship from dysfunctional / abusive family. We don’t know how to identify what’s right / wrong and the best for us. It took me years to understand the truth of love.
Previously, I watched TV / movies or reading inspiring books, I can’t stop to take a deep breath for myself….wow…..that’s what normal people do in a healthy relationship? It’s so different from what I learned from home. Kind of like living in another planet and hard to find people understand me.
The Mask of Control
Many abusers / toxic parents / abusive relationship tend to trap targets by using an incredible word “love”. They brainwashed you this is a form of “love” but in fact it’s masking their hidden insecure / intention – to control / manipulate.
Many moms LOVE their kids so much so they take care everything for them, e.g. cooking, dressing and arranging everything for them. People think this is Love, but it’s not, instead, it’s a control in a subtle way.
Manipulative people usually make you become dependent on them until you lost your independence, you can’t think and feel in your own way, or survive according to your own wish, rely on manipulative people’s existence completely. That’s what we found common from co-dependent relationship.
No joking, my ex-boss rely on her husband unreasonably, though she’s the boss but we all know who’s controlling everything behind in the company. She’s so dependent at many aspect, can’t manage even a small task at work or her personal life. Messy, disorganized and called her husband for help almost every hour, 20+ times daily.
Her husband kept all passwords and operation procedures in his hand. Although he’s not physically at the office but he checked every email we sent, watched us via CCTV frequently.
Seriously, this is not Love
My ex-boss’s claim “this is love” while we all feel sick for those manipulative behaviors, she is so happy because she thinks her husband doing all these because he’s really love her. Wow! That’s a delusion.
Many abuse survivors may assume the person who control us, plan everything and direct us to do things according to instructions is LOVE. Many of us learned from toxic family that there’s no point to stand up for ourselves. It seems easy and more peaceful if we just follow what we were asked.
Very soon, we lost the control of ourselves and hand all the power to others’ hands, at worst, many of them tend to attract abusers / narcissists / controllers to manager their lives because at the end, this is what we get used to.
We thought this is normal! This is Love, right?
Hope more people can bring this topic for discussion. So many times I want to scream when I found out someone trapped or being naive for their so-called loving relationship.
Frustrated to see when people don’t realize the truth behind.
How about you? Are you loving others or controlling someone? Or you are “loving” by someone?
Please share your thoughts.
Photo credit : Pixabay – NatKar26
You cannot change the people around you, but can change the people that you chose to be around.
How you chose the right people around you? Do you agree people around you will affect your every aspect of life tremendously?
Photo credit : Pixabay – Unsplash
Never a stalker until today…. devastated experience.
Story starts from …
5 Years ago, I met him and bits by bits, he make huge impact on my healing and personal development.
At first, it’s just the energy he deliver made me feel “I want to become better and success like him”. So I started to take care of my weight and outer appearance, it’s just like a snowball effect, when you fix 1 thing, it will motivate you to fix another thing and carry on ….more and more improvements will be shown.
After lost 100+ lbs I started to dress better (I used to dress big and loss T-Shirt and looked really “shit”), then begin to have laser face treatment to remove all the scars / spots / black dots that displayed all over my face.
Not only people started to notice my change and comment my increased beauty, but also this change my attitude towards life so I started to crave for healing techniques and care much about my career.
No words can explain my deepest thanks to “him” from bottom of heart because it’s all started from him.
Healing – Just Do 1 Thing at a time
Thus for any abuse survivor, my little advice is just start 1 little thing first, then you will tackle one by one along the journey. Doesn’t mean it’s easy, the process is tough and needs lots of persistent. But when you conquer this, in my situation, when I knew I can lose so many weight, I realized I can do better and conquer other things too.
So just 1 Thing! Fellow Survivors.
Can’t remember when it happened, the more time we get together the more I sense my crush on him. That’s suck! Because he’s married with kids.
If it’s only my personal feelings, the whole situation might easier. The trick is I started to realize he seem start to feel interest on me too. He’s so handsome, confident, intelligent and success, so why on earth he will pay attention to me? I’m shy, social awkward and have emotional baggage that hold me back to have good relationship with others.
This is what I thought at the beginning, but many incidents showed he tried to attract my attention and approach me whenever there’s chance. Always stared at me and mirror my reactions, tell jokes etc.
Like many other survivors, I do have serious trust issues, always keep an arm distance from others and build up a wall to protect myself. General social conversation is OK, but if it’s getting close or intimacy, I will have big trouble.
The more they get close,the more I hide away. That’s terrible experience for many people who wanted to have relationship with me. I saw there were many times he was so disappointed when fail to get my attention.
At surface, I am cold and looks like don’t care much, but deep down I was craving for this attention so much but just too scare to react / response his interests.
Addict and Attached deeply
I know I’m a terrible person, addict and attached to this cycle for years and not strong enough to cut the relationship.
This morning went through all his social profiles and the process crashed me. All photos related to his wife, kids and they seem so happy together. I am so sad.
Also I was amused by men can really act like a different person, no matter they have families, kids or wives, they can have another adventure life outside home.
I know I can catch his heart simply anytime when I say “yes” or being much warm and approachable. He tried very hard, this might because men’s ego, the more difficult the more they want to chase that woman.
Never play “easy” not because I wanted to play “game” but because I know if I accept this relationship I will be in trouble. I can’t handle my vulnerability.
I’m stuck with lots of emotions now. If it’s not because of this, I actually quite admire his guts, courage and enthusiasm to fight for what he wants for life, I witness he starts from Zero, work his ass off, plan everything intelligently to own such a good life now : warm home, good professions, rich with high reputations.
Sometimes I can’t figure out whether I’m attracted to him because of him is him, or because his attitude / core value and wisdom, in which that’s all the qualities I wish myself can equip.
He changes many people lives, I want to become such kind of person, impact others instead of following what others think and feel. Don’t like myself being trapped with him but at the same time I know I am not ready to let go yet.
At great level, he motivated me become better, I want to improve every time before I met him. When I don’t need to meet him for a while, I just stay lazy and lose the motivation. This is unhealthy although I know.
I wanted to stop and discontinue the unhealthy fantasy…..but simply the thought of leaving and never see him again….already drive me crazy, cry and feel devastated. Sucks!
You can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood.
Guess not many people is well qualified like me to write this post.
Don’t care about Physical Appearance
I was there. I gave up my appearance by dressing so sloppy, wore big baggy clothes all time. It’s one the defense mechanism we, especially for sexually abused survivors from early age.
We were so scare to be noticed or center of attention. We lost control of our body, abusers stare at our body sexually without our permission, or touched / kissed us while we felt extremely uncomfortable.
I piled up all the shame, guilt and self-blame inside. The most safety thing I can do / control / protect myself was wearing large-size clothes, messy appearance. In such, we avoid evil attention. This works! Sadly, at the same time I self-sabotage myself. Not only make abuser lost interest on us but also all other people at our environments.
Surround with people who treat us wrong
Adults who grew up from dysfunctional family never learn how to treat others or to be treated in the right and proper way. There were no models to be followed. We thought this is how the world is running and how parents suppose to treat their kids or what kids are supposed to do : OBEY!
Then when we are adult, we have hard time to establish / maintain healthy relationship with others. Deep down our self-esteem / self-belief / self-confidence is so low so we unconsciously believe that we are “damage” products and not deserved to be loved / treated nicely and respectfully.
Because we look into ourselves in this way, this is also how we project to the world. Eventually, we attract same level of people or others, e.g. narcissists / controllers / abusers who spot our weakness. This become a downward spiral : the more we surround ourselves with wrong people, the worst we make life decisions.
My life was kind of foggy until I started to meet nice fellows. Doesn’t mean I’m be friends with them (still scare of too close) but I started to observe people I admire : how they think and handle emotions and struggles, etc. Started to realize if I want myself to have a smilar life, or become this person – I should learn from what they are doing RIGHT.
Eat. Eat and Eat.
Of course it’s not the 100% formula. But since I was there so totally understand how abused survivors / anyone going through emotional turmoils tend to stuff ourselves with food, lots of foods. We treat food not nurturing but a method to ease our emotions. Many psychologists mentioned since we feel lives are out of control, this is the only thing we can control : i.e. EAT.
I was 100+ overweight years ago. Until I told myself enough was enough, if I don’t care or love myself, how can I expect others will? So I changed. Now every time when I saw someone who’s extremely overweight – not in a healthy way, I feel sad because I kind of feeling this person may experience something in his / her life. Trust me, I know how it feels when you are stuck in life and there seems no hope. Food is the easy way to escape from reality.
It’s extremely difficult for people who never gone through similar trauma to understand the truth behind fully. That’s why it’s so difficult for abuse survivors to heal because along the journey we don’t have enough support or sometimes were misjudged / misunderstood.
Do you feel the same way? or you spot someone you know have similar symptoms? This may be the signal they cry for help from within.
You may ask / judge why he /she behave this and that? Answer is they have no choice because they never learn the right way to make the right decision, or handle chaos.
Some people are lucky enough to learn in a fast path, probably they meet a mentor or experience some life changing moments, but many are learn from a hard and long path.
Photo credit : Unsplash – Leonardo Wong
The wound is the place where the light enters you. – Rumi
Hope the light enters your life whenever you’re stuck in a dark place.
There were times I can’t see the lights, I was devastated, lost of hope and didn’t know how to handle the situation. But then eventually I saw the light in the tunnel.
It’s not easy! but we survive.
Image credit : Pixabay – AlexVan
Being able to survive, doesn’t mean it was ever OK.
I was sad. Though not devastated, but again I felt frustrated / sorry for myself.
It’s been 8+ months of my just-quit job, uncomfortable whenever I found colleagues manage to social well, have better relationship with other instructors / students / co-workers.
I’m not a bad person, or should I mention considering myself as kind, considerate and nice person in comparing to many “fake” / narcissists / mean / arrogant people at workplace. What’s wrong with me? Am I really end up live and die alone?
Am I really evolve?
Comparing to the past, I’ve already made quite a breakthrough for myself. Not many people can understand how hard and awkward we – childhood survivors to establish and maintain a relationship. Not mentioning the intimate one but also other social relationship at work and friends cycle.
No matter how much time has passed, how many courses we attended, books we read, it seems there still have many hidden trauma issues hold us back continuously.
Cling onto relationships
I found many childhood abuse survivors are very clinging to others, friends, lovers or anyone they can rely on. They tend to become controlling, co-dependent and pay 200% attention on surrounding people.
I knew it and totally understand how much burden we carry in having relationship with these type of clinging people. Because my sister belongs to this type. Over the years, because of her insecure, lack of confidence and jealousy issues, I kind of like living under her spotlights, it’s an extremely tiring journey.
Both of us grew up in dysfunctional family but it affect us completely different. Not only because personality / character are originally different but also we choose different route to handle all chaos at abusive house.
Start from the beginning, she chose to stand at my abusive dad’s side, join hands to hurt / bully me. This not only can ease her jealousy but also gain lots of advantages from my Dad.
Nowadays I understand if there’s an abuser / narcissist, there must has someone stand next to them in supporting his her evil acts. There were so many times I hate her so much because of her betray and selfishness.
But now when I look at her, who is experiencing a miserable life, depressed and lonely. I know this is not the life I want and I do feel relief for myself : fighting back and not conform to the dysfunction, it’s a tough journey combine with lots of invisible scars, but sometimes I do feel proud of myself – have enough courage to stand up for myself, refuse to follow her path long time ago.
Keep an arm distance
This is me. I have trust issue with people since young. Obviously, I learned that people are hurtful and can’t be trust / rely on, even though they are your so-called family members.
Generally chit chat and social is fine for me, I’m not freaky or like a psychopath. At surface, people view me a normal person, but I always keep a certain distance from others. I feel uncomfortable to disclose my lives / stories to others, to avoid outsiders dig deep and eventually judge me, I don’t step over other people’s business too. For me, this is a safe social boundary.
This make many people feel I’m cold, mystery, secret and hard to get closer. I tend to isolate myself from surroundings, feel more comfortable to stay in my cave than sharing my emotions / stories with others. In such, I found myself lack of not only family but greatly social support. When I was hurt and sad, I kind of licking my wounds quietly at my own dark corner.
I knew this is my biggest problem so I have learned to write, this is a huge breakthrough for me as I have learned to share. This ease my pain and emotions.
Another thing I felt sad was proofing that workplace is cruel. Once you quit, those who used to be close / caring (at least pretending) changed faces immediately. They were no longer interested to say hello or chat with you because they knew they can’t get anything from my position now. It’s sad to discover the truth and once again make me feel unsafe to get close to people. People is difficult to be trust.
How about you? do you have difficulties to have relationship with others? or have you ever met someone who is kind of weird in your eyes? They seem so unattached to the environment?
I can tell you, they are not weird, but just don’t know how to interact. Deep down, they are hungry for love and care but just scare. Like me.
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