I measure myself in strength,
not pounds, sometimes in smiles
– Laurie Halse Anderson
From time to time, I’m frustrated at how much time / money people spend in fixing their outer appearance. People are so afraid to be judged according to their physical attribution.
I have no problem to see if someone who cares the look and dress nice, but simply because these make them feel worthy and a sign of self-love, not because assume once they change this and that, people will love or respect them more.
It’s not, I’ve met so many so-called gorgeous / beautiful people, but you just can’t get along with them after you know their characters / personalities. You just don’t want to spend 5 minutes more with them because their energy just drag you down.
I strongly feel inner beauty is the most incompatible quality that make you attract others.
So, How do you define yourself?
Image credit : Pixabay – PublicDomainPicture
You can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood.
Guess not many people is well qualified like me to write this post.
Don’t care about Physical Appearance
I was there. I gave up my appearance by dressing so sloppy, wore big baggy clothes all time. It’s one the defense mechanism we, especially for sexually abused survivors from early age.
We were so scare to be noticed or center of attention. We lost control of our body, abusers stare at our body sexually without our permission, or touched / kissed us while we felt extremely uncomfortable.
I piled up all the shame, guilt and self-blame inside. The most safety thing I can do / control / protect myself was wearing large-size clothes, messy appearance. In such, we avoid evil attention. This works! Sadly, at the same time I self-sabotage myself. Not only make abuser lost interest on us but also all other people at our environments.
Surround with people who treat us wrong
Adults who grew up from dysfunctional family never learn how to treat others or to be treated in the right and proper way. There were no models to be followed. We thought this is how the world is running and how parents suppose to treat their kids or what kids are supposed to do : OBEY!
Then when we are adult, we have hard time to establish / maintain healthy relationship with others. Deep down our self-esteem / self-belief / self-confidence is so low so we unconsciously believe that we are “damage” products and not deserved to be loved / treated nicely and respectfully.
Because we look into ourselves in this way, this is also how we project to the world. Eventually, we attract same level of people or others, e.g. narcissists / controllers / abusers who spot our weakness. This become a downward spiral : the more we surround ourselves with wrong people, the worst we make life decisions.
My life was kind of foggy until I started to meet nice fellows. Doesn’t mean I’m be friends with them (still scare of too close) but I started to observe people I admire : how they think and handle emotions and struggles, etc. Started to realize if I want myself to have a smilar life, or become this person – I should learn from what they are doing RIGHT.
Eat. Eat and Eat.
Of course it’s not the 100% formula. But since I was there so totally understand how abused survivors / anyone going through emotional turmoils tend to stuff ourselves with food, lots of foods. We treat food not nurturing but a method to ease our emotions. Many psychologists mentioned since we feel lives are out of control, this is the only thing we can control : i.e. EAT.
I was 100+ overweight years ago. Until I told myself enough was enough, if I don’t care or love myself, how can I expect others will? So I changed. Now every time when I saw someone who’s extremely overweight – not in a healthy way, I feel sad because I kind of feeling this person may experience something in his / her life. Trust me, I know how it feels when you are stuck in life and there seems no hope. Food is the easy way to escape from reality.
It’s extremely difficult for people who never gone through similar trauma to understand the truth behind fully. That’s why it’s so difficult for abuse survivors to heal because along the journey we don’t have enough support or sometimes were misjudged / misunderstood.
Do you feel the same way? or you spot someone you know have similar symptoms? This may be the signal they cry for help from within.
You may ask / judge why he /she behave this and that? Answer is they have no choice because they never learn the right way to make the right decision, or handle chaos.
Some people are lucky enough to learn in a fast path, probably they meet a mentor or experience some life changing moments, but many are learn from a hard and long path.
Photo credit : Unsplash – Leonardo Wong
You can always make more money, but cannot make more time.
When I was an employee, be honest I did wander here and there, bits by bits of time during work, chit chat, wandering around, not serious as I basically a hardworking and devoted staff. But simply feel it’s the time of my company / employer and I didn’t owe it. So if I’m not doing something valuable to the company, well….it’s their lost.
But since I start my “be my own boss” journey. I never ever be so conscious of my time like in the past. Because now it’s actually my time. If I waste it on something useless, e.g. day dream, watching TV,at the same time I lost the time to build up my business or developing myself.
When I was employed, I felt tired after or even in the middle at work, but now I am building something for my own, though still feel tired but I’m more willing to suffer, squeeze every minute to make the most of my limited time everyday. Though I’m still exhausted every night but deep down I’m fulfilled because now I own everything : time, ideas, results.
Not only for entrepreneur, but everybody, the older we are – the more alert we have about time.
My situation is much complicated, also as a abused survivor, my childhood was stolen, filled with foggy / sad memories. After that, it took me years to figure out what’s happened and heal the wounds. Sometimes, I’m frustrated for all those unconscious years I lost and trapped. Wish I can wake up much earlier to earn my life back.
Invest your time wisely! Don’t waste your precious life on something that not meaningful to you, or not align with your core value.
I know it’s easier said than done. But try not to care what others think about you,simply take back the control of your life.
Try your best to use your time that can benefit to your own good. Life is short. Every minute counts. You can never take back the minute that just pasted.
Photo credit : Pixabay
The True Entrepreneur is a Doer, not a Dreamer – Nolan Bushnell
Well…I know it’s kind of weird to write blogs about business / entrepreneur here. I have been thinking about to separate this series in a different blog, but eventually would like to make it happen it.
Because I want people get to know me as a whole person, there are ups and downs, abusive background but at the same time I would like to make my life become better, no matter what happened to me in the past and the challenges I am having from time to time, due to the self-limiting beliefs and other self-sabotage habits that I gained / learned since young.
Start a 100 Day challenge of Start-up Entrepreneur for myself, would like to jot down my whole start-up journey. This make me stay alive and alert about the process.
For long, I have never think about to be my own boss, but the longer I work the stronger feeling I have….I might the type of person who is “unemployable”.
Sign 1 : You are Independent
I am very independent. Guess it’s because the abusive / dysfunctional family background, this make me learn to survive by my own since early age. I learned to take care of myself without much support from family members. This is one of the reason I pick up reading since young because there are so many things that I don’t know and how to manage.
No joking, I even went to library to grab all the well-known / famous books relating to parenting and how to raise a successful / confident kids etc. I dived into the books not only because this is one of the ways I can shut myself down, stay away from troubles, but also I was hungry to learn how to become a better person even though I didn’t have a supportive/normal parents.
This independence make many bosses found challenges to work with me. Those who are open-minded and flexible are fine with me, but whenever I worked with bosses who are close-minded, fixed, control and micro-management etc. They just hate me and put me in great troubles.
Sign 2 – You are Rebellious
No doubt I’m having troubles to trust and have close relationship with others. But I am not naive, over the years, I worked with many smart persons and explore the world quite a bit, books / podcasts / seminars etc. do change my perspectives greatly from time to time.
When I was young, I rely on family and parents, but I think deep down I’m a rebellious person, hate to follow orders or conform to BS / non-sense, especially if I found it’s not align with my beliefs or understandings.
I challenge authorities continuously. This again make those who are manipulated or know-it-all personalities go crazy when they found that I don’t buy their BS.
Sign 3 – You are evolving continuously
If you are the type of person who feel extremely comfortable to stay in the comfort zone. Then you will doing fine at many of the jobs. But if you are like me, always hungry to learn and discover more, strive to become better day by day. Then sooner or later, you will feel boring and lack of fulfillment at work.
Unless you are working at creative industry, which require changes frequently, otherwise majority of business / industry may drag you down after you service a period of time.
Because of your drive / motivation to grow, you are no longer as the same person you were when the 1st day you join the company. You keep on evolving and when the company / position stay at the same dynamic. This will drive you nuts. You no longer feel exciting to go to work every day because you found yourself keep on repeating the same old thing day by day.
I’m not saying that it’s bad to work with others, but I do eventually discover that there are certain types of people just “unemployable”. They are doing terrible to report to others but doing great when they manage their lives and be their own boss.
If you are happy with what you are doing now. Good for you! But if you found 3 above-mentioned symptoms, you may better sit down and have a honest check for yourselves.
I learned it a tough way, many conflicts and unhappiness at work, job-hopping from time to time, there were times I blame myself for being not tolerant with the situation like others, what’s wrong with me? But now I start to realize it’s not the job / situation, but probably because of my own characters.
It’s probably happen to many other abuse survivor, we have many self-doubts for ourselves, we don’t believe we can actually make things happen. So many of us choose to follow the norm and accept all the chaos throw to us. Until one day, we finally feel…this is it, enough is enough. Time to take charge of our own lives.
Photo credit : Pixabay
I can shake off everything as I write,
my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.
– Ann Frank
About a year ago, I’ll tell you I never feel comfortable / necessary / important to start my blog. This is however completely change now. It’s been almost a year since I started, there are obvious improvements / benefits to many aspects of my life.
Always have doubts whenever I heard professionals’ advice of writing but today I would like to encourage / urge any abused survivors to share your own story NOW.
I’m not particularly emotionally unstable (or should I say learning to shut down emotions?). I learned to numb, detach, or don’t respond to external circumstances that potentially trigger my feelings / emotions since young.
Guess it’s a common attitude for many abused survivors, we just can’t feel and react all the times or situation since those events can be very hurtful / painful. But as a human, there’s no doubt my emotions do jump ups and downs occasionally, especially when flashbacks / hurtful memories bombarded me suddenly. This put me into depression, PTSD symptoms, anxious or other self-destructive behaviors, e.g. binge eating, only sleep or simply do nothing. This distract my routine a lot but I just can’t control it.
But since I grab the habit of writing, I start to learn expressing my feelings / emotions more productively in words. Though sometimes it’s still difficult to find right words describing true situation / feelings, but at least better than swallow all negative feelings / thoughts inward as I used to be. Writing is one of the healing tools (besides of exercise) to help me calming my emotions in a more positive way. It distracts me from over-thinking or other limit self-sabotage thoughts.
Basically, I’m kind of a soft, tender and mellow person. Not many stuffs can make me yell, scream or jump around. But there were times my anger was completely over-the top (out-of-control). It happened when I start to realize my situation via self-education, I felt betrayed / hurt and angry.
I reached the stage of getting so furious to see / hear or stay in the same room with my abuser/by-standers. I had evil thoughts to hurt those who hurt me. That uncontrollable feelings happened many years ago and those angry memories are still very strong nowadays. Of course I never really hurt anyone but all internalized anger was so strong which make me feel pains all over my body, muscle and organs.
According to my personality, understand I’ll never tough enough to confront with family authority figure. Like many other abused survivors, no matter how mad we are, at certain point we’re so afraid to ruin the so-called family’s reputation / system, no matter how dysfunctional / toxic it is. Somehow we feel if we disclose those secrets, we’ll be the one who ruin everything.
Writing things down help me to transfer my anger / frustration to a more peaceful platform. It’s kind of like sharing feelings / thoughts with someone sit quietly in front of me without any judgment / critics.
Learn to open up
Same as many other survivors, we are very good at hiding secrets, especially if they are taboos. People general enjoying hearing warm, loving and touchy family stories; all parents and family members are supposed to support and care each other unconditionally.
Well, that’s definitely not my experiences. My family always “weird” according to my observation, it’s a war zone (though outsiders only see the best-fake side). I’m always acting alert, tense and guard for any potential dramas throw to me.
Feel more safe to shut down, stay away or keep a length-arm distance from others. Trust issue lead me afraid to open up and share intimate thoughts with others. I embed shame, guilt and not-good-enough image as a target of abuse. Most people tend to blind-fold, only want to see / listen what they love a family should be, and many outsiders tend to judge / confront victims rather than supporting them for justice. This make victims getting more worry to share their stories because of “blame the victims” and “re-victimizing” symptoms.
Writing teach me how to open up myself gradually. Not saying that I’m fake or bad to others, but I always build a huge wall around me. I can communicate well but only reach to certain level of closeness, this avoid me to establish a genuine relationships with others. I’m scare to open up – afraid to be judged or look down according to my history.
Writing help me to re-collect, re-organize my thoughts / feelings thus I’m getting more clarity about what happened to me. Surprisingly, we always think we know who we are or what we think, but truth is we’ll reach a much deeper and objective self-reflection / self-actualized status when writing all down. This enhance any individual’s self-growth journey.
A baby you own
Once I heard a motivational speaker mentioned that we talk and talk all day long with friends sharing our thoughts / feelings, but after conversation all gone. Fortunately, writing is a “digital record” that will be existed once we published online. We never know how long we still alive in this world, but our articles / videos will be there FOREVER. Your next generation or a stranger from another side of the earth can read your mind. How amazing is it?
We never know when and who will read your articles, and somehow you change a bit of their perspectives, or alter their lifestyle etc. A true story : a poor family lived in rural area never have access to business ideas but the father love to gather together with his kids everyday after work, listened to entrepreneur podcasts from a crappy old computer, took notes while listening. After a period of time, the father gather enough knowledge so start his own business based on knowledge he learned from the net. Now they earn better money and get rid of the several-generation history of poverty.
We are creating something that ultimately belong to us and possibly changing someone’s life. This accomplishment can never be achieved when you working for your boss. No matter how hard you work, the business / brand / profit still belongs to them. But a writing platform is completely owned by you – which can be organized / created according to your own desire / purpose and rules.
Contribute to public education
Generally, it’s not a specific person can change anyone’s life dramatically. But every bits of information this person absorb changing their lives subtlety and gradually.
Every writer is a contributor to plant a seed into a field. We never know when and how it grows but sure one day will. Writing and sharing your memoir / story is actually adding a seed into another person’s mind / soul. We are the farmer who plant the seed, lead the thought or break a taboo. The more we share and talk about certain topic, the more it becomes normal, wide-spread and be aware.
I was so confused and hopeless until I came across more articles of narcissistic, toxic parents or abusive family etc. Not too many people in my cycle hear these terms so it’s difficult to find someone to share or learn from. But today I’m more educated and self-awareness – thanks for all contributors of books / videos / articles that came to my life.
I would suggest my younger-self or anyone who surviving from trauma start writing as earlier as possible.
Advantages may not be emerged at the first day / month / year, but sure will benefit to your life continuously, whether it’s physically, psychological or emotionally. At least I do.
What make you want to write and share your story / experience?
It’s actually your hobby? or you have mission or purpose to do so?
How you feel so far since you start this writing habit?
Image credit : Pixabay – Foundry
I would rather be alone than surrounded by people who only pretend to care.
Do you agree it’s better to be alone sometimes?
Image credit : StockSnap.io – Abigail Keenan
No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you are,
how you treat people tells all.
Don’t you agree?
Image credit :Pixabay – Foundry
Confidence is what make a person sexy.
One of famous motivational speakers I like is Brendon Burchard. Felt myself resonate with him easily because he’s not simply delivering thoughts like reading another self-help / self-development books, but very genuine, deep, up-spirit, especially enjoy watching his smile, definitely light up my days. This make me realize I actually like people who smile a lot. From his videos, not merely learning life skills but also presentation, speaking and persuasion techniques.
His optimistic, energetic energy is so contagious, always lift my spirit up or make me have deep introspection on myself after watching.
“You are the average of 5 person you hang around with”, so if anyone who has difficulties to find mentors in real life like me, it’s a good source to motivate yourself, especially when times need more encouragement, wisdom and insights to get back on horse.
Video credit source : Brendon Burchard
Don’t stop comparing yourself to other people
It’s difficult for us not to comparing ourselves to others, I’m learning but still a lot of work to do. Understand it’s kind of stupid as there are so many people prettier, better and clever than us – never-ended comparison if we want to. Don’t consider myself comparing all the times, but occasionally which raise my self- doubts, or lower self-esteem.
How to be beautiful
Maintaining a tidy / approachable outlook and dress appropriate is important according to my experiences, but also believe beautiful is come from within. I came across so many so-called pretty persons but their behaviors / attitudes / personalities disgusted me so I never see them as a beautiful person. This video is not teaching you how to make up or dress up but mode your inner beauty.
How to have more confidence
Confidence is very important. I witnessed so many people who are talented but seldom succeed anything because their lack of confidence. At the same time see confident persons get what they want simply because they believe they can. Deep down understand I’m not worse than many co-workers / friends according to my knowledge / experience / traits, but my lack of confidence pull me down or sabotage my success / relationships frequently. Never stop learning and practice this skill.
How to make a great 1st impression
Are you curious why some people can win others’ attention / trust right in the first 5 minutes? Learn from this video and hope you’ll be one of them.
Dealing with difficult times in life
If you are struggling in something now, or if you know anyone who you care / love is going through tough times, share this video with them.
How to become extraordinary
Many people want to be extraordinary right? but how to define extraordinary? Richer? Prettier? What to do to reach the extraordinary level of life?
I love absorbing wisdom from different people / background, because nobody can offer us the ultimate answer for all life challenges. Person A may good at business topic according his / her experiences in the field, but person B may have better insights / strategics on relationships due to their happy marriage or numerous failed past-experiences.. In my opinion, to glorify / fantasize the ONLY ONE mentor is a myth.
How you feel about these videos? Or do you have any other resources that help you to become a better version of you?
Please share and comment.
Photo credit : Pixabay – 873770
Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but to start over.
Probably many people heard of “5 stages of grief” after the loss of loved-ones or divorce etc. According to my personal experience, abused survivors also going through similar healing / grieving process. It’s not necessary have specific order or time limit for each stage as it depends on individuals’ perception / experiences : some may stuck at certain stage much longer than other stages; jump around or wandering back and forth.
Human born to have coping mechanism to protect ourselves and eliminate pains / hurts while handling disasters/trauma. But this habit may sometimes obstruct our objective thinking. For example, when we are confronted by difficult situation we tend to deny the facts.
It’s common to find wives who deny all evidences indicated from their husband’s affairs, they reject to accept the truth that the so-called good marriage actually ended long time ago; someone who has anger issues reject to see the deep-rooted childhood abused issues.
It’s so scary to admit and dealing with truths so people usually chose to ignore problems. During this stage, victims feel numb, confused and avoid any hints / signals that obviously seen. Wives who were betrayed make excuses to rationalize their husbands’ disloyal attitudes in smoothing overwhelming emotions.
Survivors who was abused in childhood may may block out conversations whenever people bring up childhood topics. I knew it because I was one of them, even until today I still not 100% comfortable to share my childhood stories. I have chatted with several abused survivors who were raised by toxic / abusive parents, but explained their situations in a oddly calm tone, acted like there’s nothing bad happened to them, or tried very hard to glorify the whole experience.
Victims may isolated, withdraw from friends and society in avoiding reality. Unfortunately, the more we deny, the longer we delay the healing process.
It took me years to overcome my fears, shame and finally willing to open my heart and eyes to explore more about my situation. I used to act like a ostrich, who bury my head to the sand.
When victims were confronted to face the facts, usually not only ignore and deny, but also the most common initial emotion that emerged is anger.
I used to misunderstood this emotion but now realize “anger” is just a mask of many hidden emotions, e.g. fear, shame, frustration, anxiety, worry, etc. Very often, when people were embarrassed, their uncontrollable anger will be burst out irrationally. Obviously, it’s much easy to put the blame to others than unmasking / dealing the truth.
People can feel angry and throw temper to their friends, loved-ones, outsiders : common TV episodes showed family members yell, scream to doctors / nurses who were failed to heal their significant others / loved ones; when a friend point out how abusive their partner are, or disclose their partners’ cheating behaviors, etc. wives / husbands will get angry towards these supporting friends for judging their personal lives.
In some other cases, victims can get angry on their own selves for making stupid mistakes and decisions, e.g picked the wrong person to marry. I experienced an extreme angry phrase years ago, though I seldom project my anger to others but tend to bury all these frustration inward. There’s no suitable words can be used to describe my feelings, it’s just like a huge fire burning inside and there’s nothing I can do to calm it down. I was so furious for myself for being naive, listen to abuser’s comments and orders; angry at myself for not able to be brave, speak out and stand up for myself.
At this stage, victims try to resolve and control the situation, which is clarified as the weakest stage by many professionals. It’s because people who reach this status are willing to do everything in order to postpone, amend any mistakes that made, or change the situation.
For example, many people may spend huge amount of money on different alternative treatments after they were diagnosed from serious illness. A wife who is suffering from domestic violence / narcissistic abused may seek out spiritual healers, have new superstitious belief about their past-lives, current relationships etc.
Victims will try to make a deal or promise, do anything to take away those pains and problems. They are hungry for information, jump around asking for helps / advice from their friends / family, e.g. buy expensive clothes / cosmetics in order to attract their men back. “Please tell me what to do and I will do anything” is a sign for people at this stage, they willing to compromise and make any changes to make things happen.
When I look back to my life, there’s time I was SO hungry for any information / knowledge I can be found. Now I understand I was in panic mode, trying my every effort to dig out the ultimate solution which can lift me up to the ground from the bottom. I was crazy and spent hours and hours to join numerous courses, books and seminars. I’m still eager to learn all healing techniques but now is more reasonable and time manageable. Absorb information more wisely.
Victims at this stage feeling hopeless, helplessness, vulnerable, unmotivated and there seem nothing can be done to fix the problems. This is the time people give up, depressed or easily indulged in destructive behaviors / habits, e.g. substance abuse, eating disorder or gambling, etc.
Some may upset for wasting such a lot of time on a wrong person; depressed for wasting so much money buying luxury things for their loved-one, shamed for not speaking up about their sexual abused stories by relatives / family members.
I picked up binge-eating to smooth my emotions / anger and frustration. I thought I never have depression but now with a more clear mentality, noticed that I was actually suffered from PTSD and depression for years, though symptoms were not severe because I mainly eat for my emotions. This is definitely not a good coping mechanism but at least it distract me from touching another destructive behavior. When things go right, I was doing OK, but when flashbacks and emotions dived in, my daily life can be collapsed completely for days, weeks or even months.
After going through all denial, mourning moments, survivors will reach the stage accept facts. They started to face the situation bravely and listen to others’ comments / suggestions.
A female / male who was finally accepted they were actually betrayed by partners will start to search for professional help, e.g. marriage counselling, or accept the reality of such relationship already ended so they move on. An abused survivor start to accept what actually happened in the past and will strive to heal from abusive experience, e.g. start to eat healthy, exercise or get rid of destructive behaviors. They explore new plans and options to start a new chapter of life.
According to my own experience, anyone who go through any kinds of traumatic events should cut themselves some slacks. Healing and coping loss is a very unique / personal experience. Outsiders can never fully understand what you been through and doubt about your emotions reactions to certain things.
Please allow yourself to grieve naturally according to your own tempo. Cry, yell and depressed when you need, but just make sure you get back to the horse with more strength and wisdom.
Photo credit : Pixabay – techzia