Psychology # 49 : Repression

 

 

We should pay attention of children’s dreams, since they are not mature enough to express their feelings / thoughts but through their descriptions of dreams, we will get some ideas about their fear / concerns and stories that never told us.

 

Or sometimes I encountered people who claim they are “Morale” while keep on throwing dirty jokes, this actually indicate their repressed sexual desire at certain level.  I came across this situation several times and they are all female.

 

We never can trust what someone say in surface, a slip of tongue may express more about their hidden desire / value.  Watch out!

 

What do you think?

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Quote # 47 – Tears

 

 

I used to cried a lot, so confused, frustrated and lived in foggy days.

 

The more self-education I gained, the more strength and clarity I got about my situation.

 

Today, I no longer spent as much as time like before: feeling depressed or sorry for myself, though still feel frustrated from time to time but it’s more controllable.

 

 

How about you? How you deal with your past?

Psychology # 39 : Regression

 

 

After Abuse, victims may chose to lock themselves up, stay isolated from the crowd / society or engage in destructive behaviors.

 

That’s why the abuse is not only affect the moment of abuse, but most damaging is years after abused incident.

 

People simply underestimate the duration of healing journey.

 

Do you agree?

Psychology # 26 : Denial

 

 

Um…I would say this is very common around us.

 

The most common I found is when people refuse to be judged about their lovers / partners / husbands etc., they tend to deny the truth even though the symptoms / signs are obviously appear in front of them.

 

E.g. Wives will deny and make excuse for their husbands’ betray.

 

The stronger Ego we own, the higher chance we use this coping mechanism.  The more confident we are, the less likely we use this method, because when we reach that point, we have already strong enough mentally / psychologically to admit our mistakes / weakness, without blindfold the problems.

 

Many times we can’t solve the problem is because we refuse to see the problems.  Abuse is one of them.  People deny it happens so they never willing to handle it.

 

Do you use this defense mechanism very often?  How do you deal with failure or uncomfortable situation?

Quote of the day # 33 : Betray

The most damaging aspect of abuse is the trauma to our hearts and souls from being betrayed by people that we love and trust.

Betray is one of the most damaging thing to our soul / spirits.  We may never get heal completely once our heart was broken.

 

Photo credit : Pixabay – benscherjon

Adult Survivor – Evolve over years

 

 

Keep changing, keep growing, keep evolving!

 

 

Never easy for abuse survivors to go through festivals / celebrations as it’s always brought up many sad memories / hurtful flashbacks.

 

Don’t know why but recently many memories came up my minds during normal daily routine, e.g. visiting some places, packing up clothes, brushing teeth or other common activities etc.

 

Kind of like : when the moment people ready to die … all memories from the past come up like movie.

 

Strange. But this make me rethink my evolution over years.

 

 

Early Stage of Evoluation after Abuse

 

Many abuse victims, including me, had no clue and clouded with many uncertainty / self-doubts about the whole abuse situation. Especially when we were a child who was not mature enough to digest everything.

 

Nowadays whenever I read adult survivor stories, found there’s a commonality among abuse stories, we were act like a robot living in chaos / dramas and did’t know how to react.

 

We were brainstormed and distorted by all destructive / abusive behavior. Since we were humiliated, name-calling and emotionally abuse fiercely thus we had already believed this is what we supposed to be.  We believed we are not worthy, not deserved to be loved, hated ourselves with low self-esteem, lack of confidence, hopeless.

 

Remembered there were many sad memories during celebrations / festivals as I was never qualified to celebrate with family.  I was the only one who was left alone at home while everyone is cheering / dressing and prepared for going out to have family dinner etc.

 

Today when i think back, i can understand how clue my abusive dad was, remembered his smiles when he spot my sadness and how supportive of my siblings.

 

Tears can’t stop running on my cheeks and when i was really depressed, i cried for the whole night with a swallow eyes the next day.  I need to hide myself at school, being isolated, out of focus – so nobody will notice my sadness.

 

Many many years…. I was wandering around the streets / parks while staring at others having fun in public.  I sat quietly at dark so nobody noticed me wiping my tears.

 

I was so confused….didn’t know what happened and why this happened to me.  Am I that terrible that really not deserved to be loved? How can i believe others will love me when even my family / parent feel i’m disgusting?  Many self-hated within.

 

 

Middle Stage of Evoluation after Abuse

 

 

Luckily, I love reading, exploring and never tired of self-education.  When I wanted to figure out something, I can dive myself into hundreds of books / articles / speeches, etc.

 

Remember there were times I want to figure out what happened to me, dreaming having my own warm family one day, so i went to library everyday to read all the parenting books i can find on the shelf….would like to nurture and educate myself since I didn’t have a role model at home. I didn’t know how to behave, think and react to different situations. Kind of self-parenting for many years.

 

Though didn’t know what happened, but deep down… somehow I felt something wasn’t right, this motivated me to read / learn and investigate like crazy.  Once I discovered there are tons professionals / survivors sharing their thoughts and stories online, I can’t help but spent my energy to digest all information I can grab on.  This is the stage of “Hungry Learning”.

 

The more I educated myself, the more I felt angry inside.  At early stage, I thought I was ugly, fat and rubbish (what I was name-called at home), now I realized I was abused.  My rage started to pile up and this hurt me terribly, both mentally and physically.  My muscle was so tease and feeling pain here and there.  The stress, pressure and rage…..My heart was about to explode and i even had thoughts to smack my abusive dad, everyone and want them die.

 

In the meantime, I felt terrible guilty and shame having such evil thoughts because I supposed not to feel this way towards my blood-related family, right? This is not a good daughter should be reacted, right? Or even a decent human should not react this way? How can I be so ungrateful and unforgivable? Am I an evil? What a terrible person!

 

Tried to suppress my emotions / feelings but it boiling inside.  This hurts!  The more my family and abusive dad pretend everything is fine, telling others that I’m the only one who has troubles and so “bad”……the more angry I got.

 

Outsiders always view my dad as a “God” and a humble father, who sacrifice so much for his family but so unluckily that he has such a bad daughter – “me”, who always bring troubles to the family.  I wanted to scream loud and throw up!!  He’s not the same person he project in public, you guys never know his true identify, what a fake / narcissistic / abusive person.

 

No matter what happened to me, I didn’t have the guts to disclose anything : how he abused me emotionally and sexually. How he betrayed and play tricks to torture me.

 

I realize how weak he was and can foresee ….if I speak up and confront with him, tell the truths to relatives / his friends, end up I’ll become the bad person, who betray the family and ruin the harmony.

 

All sorts of chaos and trauma drive me crazy. I didn’t know how to control my anger.

 

 

 

Later Stage of Evolution After Abuse

 

I’m more grounded nowadays, not only because of getting more mature, but also I have more other channels to express myself.  Though still struggling with trust issue, having difficulties to establish intimacy / healthy relationship with others, but I’m kind of on the right track.

 

Exercise habit helps me to ease my emotion, plus since I started writing, launch facebook page …..I have more funnels to speak up my mind.

 

I used to underestimate the power of writing, but now I would suggest anyone who go through any sorts of trauma should try writing.  Nothing fancy or professional but I simply jot down your thoughts / feelings, this is the way we survivors learn to open and share those secrets.

 

Since i started to write my story, not only heal my invisible pain and accept my history, but also make me realize that I’m not alone in the planet.

 

Sad but you will be surprised to find out ….. there actually many other survivors went through similar situation.  Just need to open yourself and the right people will find you. This new experience definitely minimize my loneliness, strengthen my courage to own my life.

 

 

 

Final Thoughts

 

 

Purpose of this blog is not simply sharing my abuse history or healing journey, but I would like to encourage anyone who’s suffering similar situation….. understand that there’s really a way out, as long as you keep on moving and evolving, “the better you” will soon be emerged.

 

Do not make the same mistakes like me, staying alone, isolated from the society.  There are bad people but also good people, you just need to make some efforts to find them.

 

I wish I can understand all these concepts as early as possible so I didn’t waste so much time and energy to sob / figure out all by myself.  Sometimes we can fix the problem, but there are things that we really can’t amend, but better let go.

 

Today, I cherish every moment as I sorry for myself for how much time i wasted, it’s not worth it if I can do it all again.

 

What do you think? Have you ever evolved over years? Or feeling stuck at the same old situation? Don’t know how to crawl out? Love to hear your comments.

 

 

 

Image Credit : Pixabay – MichaelGiada

2 Typical relationship styles of Childhood Trauma survivors

 

Being able to survive, doesn’t mean it was ever OK.

 

 

I was sad. Though not devastated, but again I felt frustrated / sorry for myself.

 

It’s been 8+ months of my just-quit job, uncomfortable whenever I found colleagues manage to social well, have better relationship with other instructors / students / co-workers.

 

I’m not a bad person, or should I mention considering myself as kind, considerate and nice person in comparing to many “fake” / narcissists / mean / arrogant people at workplace.  What’s wrong with me?  Am I really end up live and die alone?

 

Am I really evolve?

 

Comparing to the past, I’ve already made quite a breakthrough for myself.  Not many people can understand how hard and awkward we – childhood survivors to establish and maintain a relationship.  Not mentioning the intimate one but also other social relationship at work and friends cycle.

 

No matter how much time has passed, how many courses we attended, books we read, it seems there still have many hidden trauma issues hold us back continuously.

 

 

Cling onto relationships

 

I found many childhood abuse survivors are very clinging to others, friends, lovers or anyone they can rely on.   They tend to become controlling, co-dependent and pay 200% attention on surrounding people.

 

I knew it and totally understand how much burden we carry in having relationship with these type of clinging people. Because my sister belongs to this type.  Over the years, because of her insecure, lack of confidence and jealousy issues, I kind of like living under her spotlights, it’s an extremely tiring journey.

 

Both of us grew up in dysfunctional family but it affect us completely different.  Not only because personality / character are originally different but also we choose different route to handle all chaos at abusive house.

 

Start from the beginning, she chose to stand at my abusive dad’s side, join hands to hurt / bully me.  This not only can ease her jealousy but also gain lots of advantages from my Dad.

 

Nowadays I understand if there’s an abuser / narcissist, there must has someone stand next to them in supporting  his her evil acts. There were so many times I hate her so much because of her betray and selfishness.

 

But now when I look at her, who is experiencing a miserable life, depressed and lonely.  I know this is not the life I want and I do feel relief for myself : fighting back and not conform to the dysfunction, it’s a tough journey combine with lots of invisible scars, but sometimes I do feel proud of myself – have enough courage to stand up for myself, refuse to follow her path long time ago.

 

Keep an arm distance

 

This is me.  I have trust issue with people since young.  Obviously, I learned that people are hurtful and can’t be trust / rely on, even though they are your so-called family members.

 

Generally chit chat and social is fine for me, I’m not freaky or like a psychopath.  At surface, people view me a normal person,  but I always keep a certain distance from others.  I feel uncomfortable to disclose my lives / stories to others, to avoid outsiders dig deep and eventually judge me, I don’t step over other people’s business too.  For me, this is a safe social boundary.

 

This make many people feel I’m cold, mystery, secret and hard to get closer.  I tend to isolate myself from surroundings, feel more comfortable to stay in my cave than sharing my emotions / stories with others.  In such, I found myself lack of not only family but greatly social support.  When I was hurt and sad, I kind of licking my wounds quietly at my own dark corner.

 

I knew this is my biggest problem so I have learned to write, this is a huge breakthrough for me as I have learned to share.  This ease my pain and emotions.

 

 

Final thoughts

 

 

Another thing I felt sad was proofing that workplace is cruel.  Once you quit, those who used to be close / caring (at least pretending) changed faces immediately.  They were no longer interested to say hello or chat with you because they knew they can’t get anything from my position now.  It’s sad to discover the truth and once again make me feel unsafe to get close to people.  People is difficult to be trust.

 

 

 

How about you? do you have difficulties to have relationship with others? or have you ever met someone who is kind of weird in your eyes? They seem so unattached to the environment?

 

 

I can tell you, they are not weird, but just don’t know how to interact.  Deep down, they are hungry for love and care but just scare.  Like me.

 

 

 

Photo credit : Unsplash

How writing your trauma heals wounds

I can shake off everything as I write,

my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.

– Ann Frank

About a year ago, I’ll tell you I never feel comfortable / necessary / important to start my blog. This is however completely change now.  It’s been almost a year since I started, there are obvious improvements / benefits to many aspects of my life.

Always have doubts whenever I heard professionals’ advice of writing but today I would like to encourage / urge any abused survivors to share your own story NOW.

Emotional Stability

I’m not particularly emotionally unstable (or should I say learning to shut down emotions?). I learned to numb, detach, or don’t respond to external circumstances that potentially trigger my feelings / emotions since young.

Guess it’s a common attitude for many abused survivors, we just can’t feel and react all the times or situation since those events can be very hurtful / painful.  But as a human, there’s no doubt my emotions do jump ups and downs occasionally, especially when flashbacks / hurtful memories bombarded me suddenly.  This put me into depression, PTSD symptoms, anxious or other self-destructive behaviors, e.g. binge eating, only sleep or simply do nothing.  This distract my routine a lot but I just can’t control it.

But since I grab the habit of writing, I start to learn expressing my feelings / emotions more productively in words.  Though sometimes it’s still difficult to find right words describing true situation / feelings, but at least better than swallow all negative feelings / thoughts inward as I used to be.  Writing is one of the healing tools (besides of exercise) to help me calming my emotions in a more positive way.  It distracts me from over-thinking or other limit self-sabotage thoughts.

Anger eliminator

Basically, I’m kind of a soft, tender and mellow person.  Not many stuffs can make me yell, scream or jump around.  But there were times my anger was completely over-the top (out-of-control).  It happened when I start to realize my situation via self-education, I felt betrayed / hurt and angry.

I reached the stage of getting so furious to see / hear or stay in the same room with my abuser/by-standers.   I had evil thoughts to hurt those who hurt me.  That uncontrollable feelings happened many years ago and those angry memories are still very strong nowadays.  Of course I never really hurt anyone but all internalized anger was so strong which make me feel pains all over my body, muscle and organs.

According to my personality, understand I’ll never tough enough to confront with family authority figure.  Like many other abused survivors, no matter how mad we are, at certain point we’re so afraid to ruin the so-called family’s reputation / system, no matter how dysfunctional / toxic it is.   Somehow we feel if we disclose those secrets, we’ll be the one who ruin everything.

Writing things down help me to transfer my anger / frustration to a more peaceful platform.  It’s kind of like sharing feelings / thoughts with someone sit quietly in front of me without any judgment / critics.

Learn to open up

Same as many other survivors, we are very good at hiding secrets, especially if they are taboos.   People general enjoying hearing warm, loving and touchy family stories; all parents and family members are supposed to support and care each other unconditionally.

Well, that’s definitely not my experiences.  My family always “weird” according to my observation, it’s a war zone (though outsiders only see the best-fake side).  I’m always acting alert, tense and guard for any potential dramas throw to me.

Feel more safe to shut down, stay away or keep a length-arm distance from others.  Trust issue lead me afraid to open up and share intimate thoughts with others.  I embed shame, guilt and not-good-enough image as a target of abuse.  Most people tend to blind-fold, only want to see / listen what they love a family should be, and many outsiders tend to judge / confront victims rather than supporting them for justice.   This make victims getting more worry to share their stories because of “blame the victims” and “re-victimizing” symptoms.

Writing teach me how to open up myself gradually.  Not saying that I’m fake or bad to others, but I always build a huge wall around me.  I can communicate well but only reach to certain level of closeness, this avoid me to establish a genuine relationships with others.  I’m scare to open up – afraid to be judged or look down according to my history.

More Clarity

Writing help me to re-collect, re-organize my thoughts / feelings thus I’m getting more clarity about what happened to me. Surprisingly, we always think we know who we are or what we think, but truth is we’ll reach a much deeper and objective self-reflection / self-actualized status when writing all down.  This enhance any individual’s self-growth journey.

A baby you own

Once I heard a motivational speaker mentioned that we talk and talk all day long with friends sharing our thoughts / feelings, but after conversation all gone.  Fortunately, writing is a “digital record” that will be existed once we published online.  We never know how long we still alive in this world, but our articles / videos will be there FOREVER.  Your next generation or a stranger from another side of the earth can read your mind.  How amazing is it?

We never know when and who will read your articles, and somehow you change a bit of their perspectives, or alter their lifestyle etc.  A true story : a poor family lived in rural area never have access to business ideas but the father love to gather together with his kids everyday after work, listened to entrepreneur podcasts from a crappy old computer, took notes while listening.   After a period of time, the father gather enough knowledge so start his own business based on knowledge he learned from the net.  Now they earn better money and get rid of the several-generation history of poverty.

We are creating something that ultimately belong to us and possibly changing someone’s life.  This accomplishment can never be achieved when you working for your boss.  No matter how hard you work, the business / brand / profit still belongs to them.  But a writing platform is completely owned by you – which can be organized / created according to your own desire / purpose and rules.

Contribute to public education

Generally, it’s not a specific person can change anyone’s life dramatically.  But every bits of information this person absorb changing their lives subtlety and gradually.

Every writer is a contributor to plant a seed into a field.  We never know when and how it grows but sure one day will. Writing and sharing your memoir / story is actually adding a seed into another person’s mind / soul.  We are the farmer who plant the seed, lead the thought or break a taboo.  The more we share and talk about certain topic, the more it becomes normal, wide-spread and be aware.

I was so confused and hopeless until I came across more articles of narcissistic, toxic parents or abusive family etc.  Not too many people in my cycle hear these terms so it’s difficult to find someone to share or learn from.  But today I’m more educated and self-awareness – thanks for all contributors of books / videos / articles that came to my life.

Closing thoughts

I would suggest my younger-self or anyone who surviving from trauma start writing as earlier as possible.

Advantages may not be emerged at the first day / month / year, but sure will benefit to your life continuously, whether it’s physically, psychological or emotionally.  At least I do.

What make you want to write and share your story / experience?

It’s actually your hobby? or you have mission or purpose to do so?

How you feel so far since you start this writing habit?

Image credit : Pixabay – Foundry

5 stages of grief every survivor go through

Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but to start over.

Probably many people heard of “5 stages of grief” after the loss of loved-ones or divorce etc.  According to my personal experience, abused survivors also going through similar healing / grieving process.     It’s not necessary have specific order or time limit for each stage as it depends on individuals’ perception / experiences : some may stuck at certain stage much longer than other stages; jump around or wandering back and forth.

Denial

Human born to have coping mechanism to protect ourselves and eliminate pains / hurts while handling disasters/trauma.   But this habit may sometimes obstruct our objective thinking.   For example, when we are confronted by difficult situation we tend to deny the facts.

It’s common to find wives who deny all evidences indicated from their husband’s affairs, they reject to accept the truth that the so-called good marriage actually ended long time ago; someone who has anger issues reject to see the deep-rooted childhood abused issues.

It’s so scary to admit and dealing with truths so people usually chose to ignore problems.  During this stage, victims feel numb, confused and avoid any hints / signals that obviously seen.  Wives who were betrayed make excuses to rationalize their husbands’ disloyal attitudes in smoothing overwhelming emotions.

Survivors who was abused in childhood may may block out conversations whenever people bring up childhood topics.  I knew it because I was one of them, even until today I still not 100% comfortable to share my childhood stories.  I have chatted with several abused survivors who were raised by toxic / abusive parents, but explained their situations in a oddly calm tone, acted like there’s nothing bad happened to them, or tried very hard to glorify the whole experience.

Victims may isolated, withdraw from friends and society in avoiding reality.  Unfortunately, the more we deny, the longer we delay the healing process.

It took me years to overcome my fears, shame and finally willing to open my heart and eyes to explore more about my situation.  I used to act like a ostrich, who bury my head to the sand.

Anger

When victims were confronted to face the facts, usually not only ignore and deny, but also the most common initial emotion that emerged is anger.

I used to misunderstood this emotion but now realize “anger” is just a mask of many hidden emotions, e.g. fear, shame, frustration, anxiety, worry, etc.   Very often, when people were embarrassed, their uncontrollable anger will be burst out irrationally.  Obviously, it’s much easy to put the blame to others than unmasking / dealing the truth.

People can feel angry and throw temper to their friends, loved-ones, outsiders : common TV episodes showed family members yell, scream to doctors / nurses who were failed to heal their significant others / loved ones; when a friend point out how abusive their partner are, or disclose their partners’ cheating behaviors, etc.  wives / husbands will get angry towards these supporting friends for judging their personal lives.

In some other cases, victims can get angry on their own selves for making stupid mistakes and decisions, e.g picked the wrong person to marry.  I experienced an extreme angry phrase years ago, though I seldom project my anger to others but tend to bury all these frustration inward.  There’s no suitable words can be used to describe my feelings, it’s just like a huge fire burning inside and there’s nothing I can do to calm it down.  I was so furious for myself for being naive, listen to abuser’s comments and orders; angry at myself for not able to be brave, speak out and stand up for myself.

Bargaining

At this stage, victims try to resolve and control the situation, which is clarified as the weakest stage by many professionals. It’s because people who reach this status are willing to do everything in order to postpone, amend any mistakes that made, or change the situation.

For example, many people may spend huge amount of money on different alternative treatments after they were diagnosed from serious illness.   A wife who is suffering from domestic violence / narcissistic abused may seek out spiritual healers, have new superstitious belief about their past-lives, current relationships etc.

Victims will try to make a deal or promise, do anything to take away those pains and problems.  They are hungry for information, jump around asking for helps / advice from their friends / family, e.g. buy expensive clothes / cosmetics in order to attract their men back.  “Please tell me what to do and I will do anything” is a sign for people at this stage, they willing to compromise and make any changes to make things happen.

When I look back to my life, there’s time I was SO hungry for any information / knowledge I can be found.  Now I understand I was in panic mode, trying my every effort to dig out the ultimate solution which can lift me up to the ground from the bottom. I was crazy and spent hours and hours to join numerous courses, books and seminars.   I’m still eager to learn all healing techniques but now is more reasonable and time manageable.  Absorb information more wisely.

Depression

Victims at this stage feeling hopeless, helplessness, vulnerable, unmotivated and there seem nothing can be done to fix the problems.  This is the time people give up, depressed or easily indulged in destructive behaviors / habits, e.g. substance abuse, eating disorder or gambling, etc.

Some may upset for wasting such a lot of time on a wrong person; depressed for wasting so much money buying luxury things for their loved-one, shamed for not speaking up about their sexual abused stories by relatives / family members.

I picked up binge-eating to smooth my emotions / anger and frustration.  I thought I never have depression but now with a more clear mentality, noticed that I was actually suffered from PTSD and depression for years, though symptoms were not severe because I mainly eat for my emotions.  This is definitely not a good coping mechanism but at least it distract me from touching another destructive behavior.   When things go right, I was doing OK, but when flashbacks and emotions dived in, my daily life can be collapsed completely for days, weeks or even months.

Acceptance

After going through all denial, mourning moments, survivors will reach the stage accept facts.  They started to face the situation bravely and listen to others’ comments / suggestions.

A female / male who was finally accepted they were actually betrayed by partners will start to search for professional help, e.g. marriage counselling, or accept the reality of such relationship already ended so they move on.  An abused survivor start to accept what actually happened in the past and will strive to heal from abusive experience, e.g. start to eat healthy, exercise or get rid of destructive behaviors.  They explore new plans and options to start a new chapter of life.

Closing thoughts

According to my own experience, anyone who go through any kinds of traumatic events should cut themselves some slacks.   Healing and coping loss is a very unique / personal experience. Outsiders can never fully understand what you been through and doubt about your emotions reactions to certain things.

Please allow yourself to grieve naturally according to your own tempo.  Cry, yell and depressed when you need, but just make sure you get back to the horse with more strength and wisdom.

Photo credit : Pixabay – techzia

How long it takes to heal a broken heart ?

“In tragedy, it’s hard to find a good resolution,

it’s not black and white, but a big fog of gray.”

 – Paul Dano

I can’t help but my heart sink while watching below video : a homeless man plays piano (Come Sail Away) he found at street, this bring me have an urge to write about common myths of healing after traumatic events.

Story Behind

Donald Gould, a 51 year old guy started played piano as a kid and later in US Marine Corps. Studied music at University since he wanted to teach music.

In 1998, his wife died unexpectedly – he was totally lost and hit rock bottom of his life.  Not only started struggling with substance abuse but also lost custody of his only 3 years old son.  He became homeless and live in the street for years.

This until one day he found a piano at street and was videotaped by a passerby, who posted it online thus he became famous suddenly

Pain is uniquely personal experience

People who never experienced traumatic events, e.g. abused / tragedy will have difficulties to fully understand why and how it takes so long for victims to heal (or so-called “get over it”).

Truth is every human is so unique, different person experience same event is not necessary behave or react the same.  Some people survived from accidents/disasters may move on easily and quickly, but other survivors may suffer from PTSD or depression.  The way how individual respond to incidents are various and can be affected by many other internal / external factors, e.g. characteristics, family background, past experiences, support systems etc.  Numerous unpredictable elements will alter how different individual coping with grief, loss or pain.

In my opinion, it’s unfair to judge any individual’s own experiences according to our own perception.  We are not that person, or if when we never experience the same situation, it’s impossible to imagine how exactly it cause their pains.  Simply throwing irresponsible comments such as “that person can move on after that incident, why can’t you?” is unhelpful.

Healing process can’t speed up

Many outsiders primary have good intentions to support victims, hope to round things up quickly. To protect and stop victims continuing indulge in hurtful feelings / memories, they may try to weaken the seriousness of trauma, comforting survivors by saying “past is past, let’s move on, or even more worse blame-the victim by saying “I told you so…”., etc.  Or never bring up the matters again, in their philosophy “out of sight, out of mind’.

Unfortunately, the most damage that any traumatic events bring to a person is not only physical but more importantly are emotional and psychological effects.  Physical wounds can be seen and healed over times, but emotional scars are invisible and difficult to set a timer on it.

Anyone who experienced an abusive relationship / history or other kinds of trauma will experience “frozen moments”.  They can walk, speak and live like a normal personal psychically but psychologically act like a zombie wandering around without soul.

Healing needs time, but how much time is enough? We can never get the clear answer because every individual survivor is so unique, each one healing schedule is so different.  Terrible consolation to an abused survivor is asking them to pull themselves together.    Some take weeks, months, and others may need years or even a lifetime.

That’s why law sentenced abusers (child molesters, child abusers, human traffickers etc) severely because it’s not about physical damages but uncountable emotional / psychological turmoils that survivors need to carry years after trauma.

What not-to-do

Push survivors to heal without honoring their own schedule or blame the victim can never help victims.  In fact, the more you push the more they shut down and scare away.  They just not ready yet and need time to figure things out on their own speed / agenda.

Many survivors may feel the guilt / shame for not forgiving / healing as quickly as possible, or have pressure of being judge as “too sensitive”, “over-thinking”, so they act like nothing happened, cover up wounds, swallow anger / sadness / frustration inward.  All so-called helps may simply adding salt to the wound

Closing thoughts

Above mentioned guy obviously experienced traumatic event on his life.  He might has personal issues originally but his wife’s death was a trigger that lead his life go further south afterwards.  It’s sad to see a talent person reached that point  I can imagine one who gave up his life in such great degree was suffering from a tremendous grief of loss.

This story indicated how big impact of trauma can do us, and how little we do as support system.

How you feel about the story of this man?

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