Umm….though I’m a scapegoat, but do find some of the characteristics from “Lost Child”.
I was so QUIET and always lock myself in room for days, dive into reading and own stuffs in order to escape from the dysfunction / chaos at home.
When I step into adulthood, I feel anxious and shy in front of strangers, afraid of conflict because I already sick with drama.
How about you? Do you have these symptoms too?
When I was young, thought it’s what every child suppose to do at home.
Since we were not allowed to have a healthy social life, kind of locked up in the dysfunctional family so I don’t know what’s normal.
This until the more I approach outsiders, the more I read and educate myself, I was noticed that my role is exchanged with toxic parents.
In personal experience, sure it will damage child’s basic needs and developmental journey.
From time to time, I depressed for all those years I lost and took me years to establish all the necessary skills to survive in the society.
In general, people crown parents as a king / queen of the castle. We are not comfortable to discuss / talk behind our parents because the logic of “there’s no bad parent” is already tattooed in our mind / spirit.
How dare we judge our parents? They have already sacrificed so much for us? So many excuses to support their destructive / abusive behaviors, such as “they don’t mean to hurt you, or it’s just because they didn’t have a nice / caring parents so they never learned how to parent their own kids …. so and so….
I was trapped in these kinds of stereotypes for many years, guilt and shame filled me up because I was not suppose to hate or judge my parents. What’s wrong with me? No one is perfect in the world right?
I am an evil and not a good person, etc. I was the one who need to be blamed because of my ungrateful / UN-forgiveness.
However, the more knowledge I gained, the more I understand abusive / toxic parents are related to serious personality disorder so impossible to fix. Some people really not qualified as parents since they project their anger / frustration on their own kids.
They don’t know we all human have CHOICE, to treat or not treat others in certain ways.
Are you lucky enough to have good parents? Or not?
Symptoms on me was not that obvious, I guess. Whenever I heard or read stories from other survivors, they seem suffering from this in a much obvious way.
When people discuss / bring out their abusive history, they seem forget everything or deny what’s happening to them. Or make it like….there’s no problem at all. this is how life suppose to be.
In my case, I’m kind of unattached to the chaos / trauma, numbed and learned not to attach to people / events. It’s just too painful / hurtful!
I used to cry myself out for the whole night, depressed and wandering around the street with an empty heart and soul. Just can’t figure out what’s going on and what’s wrong with me.
Very soon, I learned to “dissociate” from toxic environment or dysfunctional attribute, as this is how I survive.
How about you?